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Toliviaborrego

Is It Normal Not To Miss The Bad Parts Of Someone That Passed Away?

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I lost my mom almost a year ago. Im 32 years old, and weve always been close. But being the youngest, and her one child thats been pretty lost, she was understandably hard on me. she wanted better for me. so we would fight a lot. But we were always there for each other. I was her care taker, and was by her side when she passed away. We would fight but never failed to be there for each other. My mom has been the closest person to me, and i will always miss her, and think of her.

i think of her every single day, and miss her. but i have these ugly moments where i think that its more quiet and we arent fighting anymore.

it makes me feel like a horrible person. most days i realize its just negative thoughts. that if i was a horrible person, i wouldnt think about her at all, or grieve her. but some days i feel incredibly guilty.

have you guys experienced this after losing a loved one? Or am i just a horrible person? =(
 
 

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Dear Tolivia,

I think its normal to go through a range of emotions during grief. Even though its been almost a year, we all look back and think about our relationship with our parents. Nothing is ever black or write.

Please don't feel guilty for missing the fighting. I think part of our brains want to block that part out and think of only the good times. You are not a horrible person. Just a normal one that is going through the normal ups and downs of grief. Its tough.

Be kind to yourself. Please know we are all here to listen.

Take care of yourself.

 

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Dear Tolivia,

Grief is complicated.  Thats what I realise.  We try to find ways to grasp it but its impossible.  I too was very close to my mother.  My sister wasn't.  My mother was always hard on me but I knew she loved me.  With my sister she had no expectations of her and she pretty much got nothing from her.  My sister was cold but needy.  Even though I was close to my mom, she could be harsh and never praised me.  I only found out late in life she did praise me and talk about me all the time but not to me!  Mother daughter relationships can be complicated.  Now she is gone and I too think of her everyday, all I have left is memories.  Good ones and some difficult ones, guilt and the guilt that I could have done more, been a better person etc..  Our minds take over when our parent dies because the dynamic changes.  There is no dynamic anymore because the dynamic takes 2 people.  All that is left is our thoughts, our pain, our memories.  Whatever you feel there is nothing wrong with it.  Grief is difficult enough without the judgements you put on yourself of how to feel.  It is what it is.  Next week it may be different emotions.  Next month another layer.  We are all trying to do the best we can.  Feel what you feel there is nothing wrong about it.  I am sorry for your loss.

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On 8/20/2017 at 3:27 PM, sadandlost said:

Dear Tolivia,

Grief is complicated.  Thats what I realise.  We try to find ways to grasp it but its impossible.  I too was very close to my mother.  My sister wasn't.  My mother was always hard on me but I knew she loved me.  With my sister she had no expectations of her and she pretty much got nothing from her.  My sister was cold but needy.  Even though I was close to my mom, she could be harsh and never praised me.  I only found out late in life she did praise me and talk about me all the time but not to me!  Mother daughter relationships can be complicated.  Now she is gone and I too think of her everyday, all I have left is memories.  Good ones and some difficult ones, guilt and the guilt that I could have done more, been a better person etc..  Our minds take over when our parent dies because the dynamic changes.  There is no dynamic anymore because the dynamic takes 2 people.  All that is left is our thoughts, our pain, our memories.  Whatever you feel there is nothing wrong with it.  Grief is difficult enough without the judgements you put on yourself of how to feel.  It is what it is.  Next week it may be different emotions.  Next month another layer.  We are all trying to do the best we can.  Feel what you feel there is nothing wrong about it.  I am sorry for your loss.

Thank you, posting this made me feel a lot better. =)

sadandlost,

your relationship with your mom, reminds me of mine with my mom. I would often ask my mom was she was hard on me, moreso than my sister. She would tell me it was because she lost hope of changing my sister. But she wasnt giving up on me. lol dont get my wrong, she loved my sister and was very close to her. But my sister is pretty stubborn, and is also her first born. 

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Dear Toliviaborrego,

I'm glad it helped a little.  I come here because reading other people's posts helps me understand how complicated grief is.  It's all we are left with.  Trying to process our memories our thoughts when we loose our mothers.  Our mothers who brought us into the world who for the most part have always been there.  It's hard.  I'm also trying to process the difficult family dynamic and the painful relationship with my sister that has only gotten worse after my mother passed.  Hope it's a better day for you.

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Yes, it is very normal. I lost my Dad 3 months ago and I don't miss the arguments we sometimes got in and I don't miss the sappy phone calls from when he had a couple too many. Ok, maybe I miss them a little bit when I'm sad, but when I'm feeling ok I don't miss them and that is normal. 

I do miss the times when he would get mad at me for doing something dumb, but thats because I loved it when he showed me that he was worried, i think.  Plus, it was usually funny to hear what he'd say. ( You A-hole!  You drove 16 hours across states by YOURSELF? ARE YOU STUPID?)  haha.  he was adorable. 

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