My lover and best friend died - disenfranchised grief

[madworld]

I'm experiencing disenfranchised grief 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disenfranchised_grief There's the link if you haven't heard of it. It's basically grieving a loss that isn't acceptable to society. 

It's going to be a long story explaining everything, but maybe it will help to get it out. 

I met b, maybe 10 years ago, through mutual friends. A few years later, I got addicted to heroin. b was the only friend who was there for me. The rest of our friends all turned their back on me when I got into drugs. Although there were times we didn't see each other in person frequently, we always talked on instant messenger or texted. A lot of the stuff we talked about was sexual, it was a friends with benefits kind of relationship. There were a lot of times during my addiction that I pushed him away, and he would never give up on me. He would find me, even if I changed my phone number. Even when I blocked his phone number and stopped talking to him, he never gave up on me. And it meant a lot to me. 

Unfortunately, b was hurt in a serious accident and became addicted to painkillers, and then got a large settlement and got addicted to heroin, 3 years ago. I was his friend, and I struggle with addiction, so I was a person that he could talk to. He was a very private person, and I think that like I was the person he never felt like he had to lie to, like we could talk about sexual stuff and drugs or whatever. We had a level of intimacy I've never shared with anyone else. 

About 4 years ago, b got a girlfriend. I have a boyfriend and we've been together 7 years. If we weren't in other relationships, I think we would have been together. For the past 3 years, we've been extremely close, and for the past year, we've been definitely more than friends. Although he wasn't my "official" boyfriend, and he had another girlfriend, we spent almost every day together. We had sex. We said "I love you" all the time. He used to hold me, and the sound of his breathing would lull me to sleep. He was the only person I knew would be there forever. I knew if our relationship didn't work out, he would still always be there for me, as a lifelong friend. Most people who knew just the two of us assumed we were a couple. He may not have been my boyfriend, but since we did what boyfriends and girlfriends do, the pain of his death feels like my boyfriend died. He was found dead of a likely accidental drug overdose on May 27th 2017. 

The reaction from our mutual friends, who I haven't spoken to in years has been very cruel, and also his mother was very cruel to me. Basically, his friends all comforted his "real" girlfriend, and acted like I was just a bad person that increased her grief by having sex with her boyfriend, and maybe even giving him the drugs that killed him. When his mother told me he died, she accused me of being a drug addict, and just basically gave me a yelling at about what a horrible person I was, as I fell to the ground on her front porch clutching my chest. 14 people died of overdoses in our county, memorial day weekend. WHY HIM? Why did he have to be one of them? 

My own family, thinks I am crazy, and I need to move on. The other day, I said to my mom that we were a couple, which we were a couple, but we were not in a monogamous relationship, and she felt the need to remind me that he wasn't my boyfriend. Like, I KNOW that, but it doesn't matter. I loved him, and he loved me, and we had an intimacy together that we shared with no one else. 

I have looked at message boards about people losing their best friends, and like my grief seems way beyond theirs. It's been 3-4 months, and all I do is lay in bed and cry. I feel completely alone, because my best friend, my oldest friend, the person who knew me the best, the person who's love meant the most to me, is gone. I don't know what happens when we die, but I'm not sure we'll be reunited. He is just gone and I will never see him again. 

My friends who knew us as a couple, and who are generally more supportive of me in my grief, I have had to let go, because they got addicted to crack, and they changed. It isn't healthy for me to be around them anymore. So, I'm completely alone. I miss b. My heart is broken. I used to worry A LOT about dying, but now that he's died, I wouldn't be upset if I died, because I want to find him. I have honestly thought of intentionally overdosing on heroin, and having a friend use narcan to bring me back, because maybe I could see him one more time, and I want to know what it felt like when he died. Luckily, I don't have any friends stupid enough to help with something like that. 

I'm struggling with my addiction more than ever, and I can't handle checking into a detox or a rehab. I can't get up at a certain time and go to groups, and I cry constantly, and I don't think I could like complete a rehab program. Doing heroin is the only way I can like ease the pain enough to get out of bed and work for a few hours a day, and then go back to bed and cry. They should have programs for grief and addiction dual diagnosis, because I'm sure I'm not the only heroin addict who's loved one died of an overdose. I need him the most right now. Our love was my only comfort other than drugs. 

I don't have anyone else I love other than my mom. I stay alive for her, because another one of my close friends passed away, and I saw what it did to his mother, and I can't do that to my family. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss.

I am glad you are fighting your addiction rather than giving in to it...it is so extremely important to learn the value of self-care, all the more so in grief!  Your relationship is hard to define by normal standards, more than friends, but BF/GF doesn't quite define it either, why define it at all?  Boxes are made to make someone feel comfortable, but it's enough to know you were very special to each other and you had what you had together, a label isn't necessarily necessary to define your relationship.  You loved each other.  You cared about each other.  And you are grieving.  Of course you are!  You've lost someone very special to you, someone you thought would always be there for you!  And now you're having to find your way without that person, and that is hard...we all know what that is like, we've all lost our "special person" too.

I don't think a rehab program is there to be "liked", it's there to help.  It's there to save your life.  If you could find one that would offer one on one counseling that would be good.  It would be good if you could find the way to save yourself and make your life not only tolerable, but something good, you could do it for him, do it for yourself.  You are worth saving.  I'm glad you came here, at the very least it's a place you can safely express yourself and know you are heard and cared about.

I'm glad you have your mom...I'm older and my parents, my husband, and many friends have already passed.  I find myself alone all too much.  I get out around people, but can still feel alone in a crowd, but I have my dog and cat and I live for them.  Whatever helps us through this journey...

[KMB]

madworld, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I don't really know what to say. Words cannot take away the pain, I wish they could. The loss of a significant other, the permanent physical absence of them, is so heart rending, so insufferable. We are lost, confused, devastated, empty and lonely. Life for us has lost all meaning, joy and purpose. The only way through the grieving journey is to face it, let it have its way with us. We eventually learn to adjust, adapt to a different way for ourselves.

KayC brought up great advice, suggestions, so I won't repeat. Your friend is finally at peace now. He is in a beautiful place of love and light. He no longer has to struggle with addiction or any of the other complexities of this life here. He was a true friend to you, always sticking by you, despite his own issues. Now, it is your turn to stand by him, keep fighting your own addiction and lead the life he would surely want for you to have. The life he would have had for himself, if it wasn't for the addiction. You are a worthy person. Worthy of a life that has meaning and carrying on that legacy of love and true friendship that your loved one left for you.

[madworld]

Kay C - before he died, there was no need to define the relationship, but since I'm always crying, and have like serious depression now, people want to know what's wrong. So, it kind of forces me to say who died. Usually I say my best friend died, because I don't want my boyfriend to hear about it, and we certainly were best friends. For some people, who already knew or assumed we were in a relationship, they see it as my boyfriend died, and may not even know we weren't together. Usually those people know his name so it's not much of an issue, but if I'm with them I might say my boyfriend died. And to just say my best friend died, I feel like my grief does seem a little excessive.

It was weird that when the police talked to me they kept referring to him as my boyfriend, even though they had already interviewed his girlfriend. And I wondered why they were doing it, like was I crying too much to be just a friend? Did she tell them she thought we were having a relationship? Was this some kind of like interrogation tactic?  Was it because we were friends of the opposite gender? 

The fact is that we loved eachother and we were in a romantic relationship, and he passed away. And, I feel like acting like we were just friends isn't adequately expressing my feelings about the loss. I've read other stories about the silent grief people deal with when an affair ends, either by breaking up or death. It doesn't really matter, because the people who really matter and are close to this tragedy, know the truth.  It just like makes things a little harder, the fact our relationship didn't fit into the plutonic/monogamous dichotomy. 

I don't think anyone likes a rehab program. Because of my grief, I am just not able to do what they are asking of me. I am guessing after a few days it would be too much, and they would refer me to go elsewhere to get rid of me, or I would just leave. Just to get out of bed and take a shower takes all of my strength, and I'm lucky if I can eat something in between crying and sleeping. I have been to rehabs, so I know they do have expectations. 

 

KMC - None of us know what happens when you die. Some people believe that my friend will burn in hell for not accepting christ. Some people believe in reincarnation. Some people just believe that when you're dead, there's no conciousness. So, no I don't believe he's in a super happy place right now, and how could he be so gleeful and worry-free, knowing that his loved ones are absolutely destroyed right now. 

[KMB]

Granted, none of us really know for sure 100% what happens when we leave this earth. I have done a lot of reading, researching, for my own answers with my loss. There is a lot of evidence out there with NDE's . People's stories of coming back from edge of death are all very similar. There is proof of life after the physical death here.

I have my own belief system and no, I am not trying to influence you with it. I am just trying to bring you comfort. I feel that your friend is in the afterlife, seeing what his actions have done to his loved ones here. He has his regrets and remorse with his addictions. His soul will spend time reflecting and learning these lessons. During his spiritual journey, he will find acceptance and peace within his soul. He will be watching over you, loving you and trying his spiritual best at guiding you to the great life you deserve. He wouldn't want you to follow in his footsteps because he now knows how wrong his footsteps were.

Your path on this journey of loss will depend on what you believe. Have faith, trust, in yourself, that you will survive this tragic loss and go on to make your friend proud.  (HUGS)

[KayC]

I agree with KMB, I know there are different belief systems out there, and we all decide for ourselves, but I have had a NDE and it was peaceful and there was no stress, nothing bad, it was good, it makes me unafraid to die, for I know what is coming is good.  Read up on them, you'll see some commonalities, and these coming from people of all walks of faith.

Sometimes relationships are complicated, you can call it whatever you want, the fact that you already had a BF doesn't mean he wasn't also one.  It's not important what others think, what you know to be true of your relationship with him is real.