100% my fault.

[davesdon]

I posted recently about my husband's suicide (see "My husband killed himself because of me".

It was a month ago today.

I got his phone and dash cam back yesterday. He'd thrown away the card from the dash cam, so no footage of the night he killed himself, so no idea where he was most of the time.

He''d wiped most of his phone but using software I recovered most things.

I re-read our texts and emails and you know what? He's right. I was abusive. I left him once for a week and threw him out once for 2 weeks. During that time (and every other argument we had) I told him he could only have a contact centre or supervised access to his kids. When I left, he didn't see them for a week. When I threw him out he didn't see them for 2 weeks. To be fair, I never followed through on the threat of supervised access, he actually ended up seeing them at home or out for a meal but still...

My messages were abusive, putting him down, accusing him of things, calling him a monster, threatening to have him sent to prison for his previous violence (over 7 years ago!), just basically having a go at him. He didn't always reply but when he did, it was either out of sadness like "please leave me alone, let me suffer in peace" or occasionally he'd retaliate and accuse me of things. Mostly it was just me being awful to him.

Now I know most people will say hang on, he was violent for the first 2-3 years, he was abusive to me emotionally too, he drank too much, partied too much etc... but re-reading those messages, god I was awful.

Don't get me wrong it wasn't constant, but for the past 18 months or so we were on/off and I was constantly threatening him with prison/police, not seeing his kids unsupervised etc. 

He'd written that he hates himself for not being able to protect the kids from me, but that he will do all he can - then a few days later he committed suicide, leaving a note which advised whoever found him to read his phone for emails/messages and begging them to "please save my girls from that monster"

I really did drive him to it, as per his note and emails to me - he couldn't go on living in fear of the police, I'd taken everything from him. 

I'm so sad, all he wanted was his wife and kids, that's all I wanted too, but it ended up like this. If you read my other thread you'll get a better understanding.

But I truly believe I drove him to it. He kept saying "there's only one way out" to "escape my abuse" - and he was right.

[Djh0901kc]

All you can do is try to use what you know now to be a better person going forward. There's nothing you can do to change the past. I know it will be hard but if you dwell on it too much it's not going to be good for your state of mind.

[KayC]

18 hours ago, davesdon said:

I really did drive him to it

No one "drives" someone to suicide.  It was his choice and action, not yours.  Your relationship sounds tumultous and like a vicious cycle, unhealthy, but that doesn't mean you didn't love each other.  Neither of you seemed to know how to effectively communicate and interact in a positive way, it takes learning how to do that, especially in some relationship combinations.  Counseling can help you tremendously going forward.  PLEASE do not accept blame for his actions.  You couldn't have caused him any problems for something he did seven years ago, the statue of limitations was over.  He didn't have to end his life, HE just didn't know how to go forward, but that is not your fault.  I hope you hear us good on this, you are not to blame for anything he did, you own your actions, he owns his.  Like Djh said, all you can do is use what you are learning for positive effective change going forward.  Determine to learn all you can about how to be a healthy role model for your kids, they've seen a lot in their lives already, they really need you there for them.  (((hugs)))

PS:  Counseling is KEY

[hisha]

I don't want to talk about my life in details 

but I wanted to die for so long 

my mother hoped and prayed I do it 

my brother put the knife one day in my hand shouting at me to do it ( i was 16)

but I even though I really wanted to

 I didn't just to spite them 

ur husband wanted to die and to harm u 2 

[KMB]

davesdon, I also truly don't believe a person can drive someone else to suicide. You are not to blame for what your husband chose to do. His thinking process was messed up. Instead of owning up to his own insecurities, he blamed you, which was easier.  My life was impacted by a friends suicide attempt a few years ago. He spent a year recovering from surgery to repair the damage of the attempt, rehab and counseling. At the time of his attempt, he wasn't thinking of the consequences. He wasn't thinking rationally/logically. He wasn't thinking of his family or friends. The intent of suicide is internalized. Their mind is all on their issues and thinking they just want to find a permanent solution. Your husband probably had low self esteem and feelings of unworthiness before he met you. Alcohol is a depressant and co-enabled those feelings.

On 8/19/2017 at 5:12 PM, davesdon said:

He kept saying "there's only one way out" to "escape my abuse" - and he was right.

I feel it was his own abuse of himself he was referring to. Please, see to it you and your children seek out counseling. KayC is right. Counseling is KEY, if you want to achieve some peace at what your husband made his free will choice to do. It is so unfortunate he didn't seek out counseling for himself.   (HUGS)

[KMB]

hisha, I have no idea on what to express to you. You are in so much pain. Please, isn't there anyone for you, to reach out to, who will listen? Why would your own mother and brother encourage you to take your life? Seems to me they have major problems of their own. If they loved you, as family should, they wouldn't be treating you that way. I am so sorry!!

Try to stand up to your family and show them you are a worthy person! Your husband loved you, found you worthy of loving, having children with. Your life does have value and you have a lot to give to the world. Your husband lives on in your heart and in your children. You cannot fail him or yourself. He came into your life to teach you these things. Carry on his legacy of love, faith and trust.   (HUGS)

[chasnrosa]

Davesdon,

I'm not being mean. I just believe in being blunt and to the point. If life was so bad with you he could have left you. Being alone is much better than being miserable with someone else.  You didn't drive anyone to anything. Part of being human is being able to make your own choices. Like I said, I'm just being blunt. Don't be offended. Unfortunately, now you and your children have to carry on without him. And that was his choice to make. But you are the ones that have to live through the anguish and heartbreak. If you ever need anyone to talk to, let me know. I can't guarantee I'll be happy and awesome but I will be there for you.  I'm so sorry you have to go through this.  Its not fair.  Especially to your kids.  

[Eagle-96]

Davesdon, you are not to blame for his suicide. You never have been and you never will be. There are a million reasons people commit suicide, none of which are the fault of anyone other than the person that takes their life. You will come to realize this in your own timeframe and on your own terms. I hope that time comes for you soon. I pray you find peace and comfort as you navigate this road. 

My cousin lost her husband to suicide in 2014. Her daughter started a suicide awareness project that uses photography and the stories of suicide survivors and loved ones of those that have committed suicide. The goal is to reduce the stigma surrounding suicide and to tell of the impact the act can have. I have included a link to the website. I hope it can provide the beginning of healing for you. If you're not ready to hear the stories that's ok too.

http://stanleysessions.com/