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35 perfect years, now she's gone.


Chasbro

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My name is Charlie and my wife took her life on 3-26-17.....5 days before my birthday and 2 months short of our 34th anniversary.  We were best friends and even knew each other in high school.

We had 3 children, oldest son is a Blackhawk pilot in the Army, daughter has a bachelor's degree from WSU working at cbs radio in Detroit and my youngest son is a cnc machinist like me and my father before me. 

This had nothing to do with me our or children. She and I were in love and the only tears she cried were from happieness.

Her parents are narcissistic and she never got past it and they snapped her.

Had I know it was so bad I would have taken action. She exhibired no rash behaviour and turned to her bible for answers.  

I can't explain the feeling of trying to give her cpr a her chest not rising. I lift her sweater and the air is coming out a hole the size if a quarter. I called 911 and put the phone next to us. I blocked the hole with my hand and this time she got a breath.as I put my mouth on hers to blow in I saw her pupils change and looked like she was gone then in my arms trying to rescue her.

No note, nothing but a simple text to our phones..... i love you. 

There have never been darker days.

My Dad died on Christmas eve and I thought nothing could be worse, was I wrong. 

Thanks for reading and giving me a place to write.

Chas

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Hi Charlie, I am terrible sorry for your loss.

My partner died suddenly and I know how heartbreaking could be losing someone from one day to another, is hard to imagine our lives without them and we wish we could find a way to bring them back and we could live a happy life next to them.

Losing one person is terrible, but losing two relatives in a short period of time must be devastating, I can't imagine your pain and frustration. What you need to remember and keep in mind is that your wife loved you, even if she made a terrible decision, she loved you and your kids. I hope you can find relieve and consolation.

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It takes all I have just to get out of bed each day. Thank you so very much for your time to reply, I don't have many friends as she was all I needed.

God bless

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I'm so sorry for your losses,  Charlie.  The pain of losing a parent is heart-wrenching enough, but to lose a much loved soulmate is an indescrible pain and agony.  

You will find compassion, understanding and support here within our grief family as we've all suffered the loss of our spouse. 

Our loved ones have all died too young and in various manners, but on this forum our grief binds us together and we gain comfort and strength from each other. 

Please keep reading and posting.  The telling and retelling of our stories helps us heal some.   Grief ( I struggle to saythe word  journey as in my mind a journey is a fun, enjoyable thing)  grief is a twisted, pot hole ridden road we stumble along,  taking three step forwards, two back, many a time.  It sux.  But one day soon you may get a wee glimmer of hope from perhaps an interest you used to have, or from someone or something you see.  It feels amazing the first time it happens and it teaches us that there is hope we may forge some sort of new life. 

Sending strength and hugs.  

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So sorry for your loss Chasbro. It's never easy to lose someone so suddenly. I remember giving my wife CPR as she was having a heart attack. The helplessness. The fear. I could see the life slipping from her and there was nothing I could do. I am sorry you had to go through that and pray that those images fade from your memory. I know I wish they would fade from mine. I wish there was some magic potion we could use to take this pain and despair away. But there isn't. But we can offer you advice, an ear, or just a shoulder to cry on. We here are all part of this terrible club that none of us want to be a member of and we will be here to help you along this path. 

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Charlie,

I am so sorry, I wish there were words that were adequate, but there are none.  Five months out, one of the hardest times.  Keep breathing, one day at a time, it takes much time to process all this, but there will come a day when the pain won't be as intense and you'll learn to carry her inside your heart, the grief pain will lessen but the missing her will always be with you.  You've found a good place here, we're here, we're listening...

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It takes all I have just to get out of bed each day. Thank you so very much for your time to reply, I don't have many friends as she was all I needed. The weekend seems to be the most difficult as it was time alone, without work or our children and the issues they bring.

I have only good memories of her, we never argued as there was always a solution we could agree on. There is just a 7 or 8 hr pc of my mind I could have removed. 

When our youngest moved out on his own, we celebrated, dancing happy with the knowledge that all of our children had made it. After this, my youngest son moved back in here. But we also work together and we see too much of each other it seems. He had 3 years as a bachelor in his own place and didn't have anyone to talk to or disturb his sleep. On the other hand I spent all my time with her, always talking. 

God bless

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Being treated as a suspect for 7 hrs following was hell. I was surrounded by 4 cops in my kitchen while the "crime scene " was investigated. She was gone at 1:14 pm. My daughter and husband waited outside until the state police left with her body at 2:am. They told her it wasn't bad and just carpet removed  would be good. 

They took my photo, my clothes,  my dna, they swabbed my hands for gun powder residue.

NCIS use to be a favorite show, now I can't watch it. Her heart was obviously damaged and stopped so the blood loss was minimal. As I was allowed to leave at 8:pm, I walked out and my children were waiting in the driveway and all my neighborhood was on the porch watching. 

Nightmare......sorry all.

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I also had to try cpr that turned out to be useless. It really is a terrible feeling. I can't stop thinking now that maybe if I had known what I was doing maybe I could have saved her. It haunts me. So sorry you are going through this.

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35 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

I also had to try cpr that turned out to be useless. It really is a terrible feeling. I can't stop thinking now that maybe if I had known what I was doing maybe I could have saved her. It haunts me. So sorry you are going through this.

The pistol was my .357 revolver and loaded with personal protection rounds designed for max damage. It didn't exit but bounced and wrecked everything.

When I blew and her chest didn't raise, I knew she was in trouble. I found the entrance wound and covered it and blew, she exhaled, as I blew again I could see her eyes change and she passed as our lips touched one last time. But I kept at it until the police dragged me off and took me into the kitchen. I started to faint and reached out to grab a cop but just slid down his sides, touching his holstered gun. The look he gave me scared the hell out of me and I told him I'm not a threat. That's how it went down. 

The red cross puts on cpr classes and  I have had training. No one or nothing could have saved her, thing is.... she knew it. 

In the days following I was asked to give a written statement of the day. The Wayne County coroner wouldn't sign off and it was ruled possible homicide until further questions answered. I'm sure my hand prints where every where.

But they showed me photos from the scene.  I almost got sick and shattered like glass. But they showed me a photo of a butcher knife in our bedrooms lavatory.  "Do you know how it got there? Why it was there".

No but I know why she didn't use it, I would have saved her and she knew it.

But it also provides insight into her pain and the need to escape it. That's one of the hardest parts. 

Regards, Chas

20170819_155827.jpg

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32 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

That sounds truly awful. Sorry man

Thanks, your thoughts are most appreciated as are any that take the time to just look. Chas

Ps..as a new addition here I just noticed I may have posted this in the wrong forum. An assist by a moderator would be great.

Thanks y'all 

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Chas,

I am so sorry for your loss. I tried to give my husband CPR after a massive heart attack and was unable to save him. I watched him die and I can never erase it from my mind. I can't begin to imagine what you went through, being treated like a suspect. The people here have helped me when I had no one else who understands. I ask every morning for the strength to get through today, It seems impossible most times. My heart breaks for you and your children. 

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Chas, I am so sorry for your loss.  Your story is so devastating.   Sudden loss of a spouse is absolutely the worst thing that can happen in one’s life.  But, loss to suicide seems to compound the loss to such a level that it has to be unbearable.   I am three months into my own grief journey and there were times when I didn’t think that I would make it.  On two occasions I had the suicide hot line number out and was ready to call.  I felt like I was losing control and was scaring myself.  I was on the internet learning about how to do it.  When it came down to it, I could not visualize ending my life after a lifetime of happiness.  It’s like a nuclear option,  it would have destroyed me and every relationship around me.  I started taking care of myself, reading many grief books, exercising and anything to fill my day.  I worked on my grief and on my spiritual side as well.  I came to believe that there is an after- life and that gave me hope that I will see my husband one day and that he is in a better place.   Also, after reading other posters experiences, I could see that I was going through the same thing that they had and that their attitudes were changing and that they were moving through their grief.  This gave me hope and confidence that I could also process my grief and reach the other side and possibly once again live a happy fulfilled life.  But, for now, I still have a long way to go in my journey. 

Andrew

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Charlie, sadly all this process was only procedure

Within you, you know they are doing all they can to help you and your wife. When my boyfriend died, he had to go though several procedures because he was healthy and only 26 years old, and at first view, it was suspicious, at the end, his organs were donated, and trust me the procedure is awful, in order to preserve the organs the doctors had to make the "extraction" with the respirator turned on. It totally breaks me, also he was taken to the forensics due to the kind of death he had. I know are two different stories and events, but both have to be processed in a specific way.

All I can say and repeat to myself is that: It was procedure, and they did the best they could in order to take care of him and find answers.

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Charlie,

I am so sorry, this is a horrible nightmarish scene, I'm glad you found this place, and yes it's fine to post here.  Losing her was bad enough in and of itself, but to lose her in this way and then be subjected to all you went through with the investigation, my God, that's enough to send anyone over the edge!  I hope they have come to correct conclusions and don't continue to hound you, it's got to be hard to hold it together.  I lost my husband to heart attack and that was enough, the shock I went through, trying to function in the upcoming days, trying to grasp that he was gone, it was all too much, I can't imagine all that you went through on top of it.

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Thanks to all the fine people here who have cared enough to reply or just read.

I understand the importance of the investigation and questions, it's what laws are all about. I respect our protectors more than they know, our son is a Blackhawk pilot with a bronze star and countless medals.  

It is so difficult being on the other end of the questions.  They interviewed my neighbors, with one commenting that watching us from across the street made her have hope that real love was still alive. When she saw one, she saw the other. All 3 of our children are successful and on theit own. When we decided to start a family early, I asked her to give up her job, which she had a bachelor degree from Eastern Michigan to get, and be a stay at home mom and raise our kids with our values as opposed to a baby sitter or prevent school.  There's nothing wrong with that route, I just had a vision of what I wanted. All 3 were confirmed in Catholic faith.

We were an inseparable team that only until death did we part.

Again, thanks all.

Chas

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Chasbro,  I am deeply sorry for your loss and all that you are enduring because of it. It has to be beyond any description in being investigated due to your wife's actions. But, as you say, the law is the law, they have to do their job. You are trying to get through each day, coping with and processing her loss. I commend you in being able to hold it together as well as you can.

I don't know what your status is with your wife's parents at this time. I understand narcissism so well. My mother is a narcissist. She combined it with alcohol and my growing up years were awful. I didn't understand what was wrong with her back then. It took until my late 30's to figure it out. Narcissism is considered a mental health disorder. My brother also is a narcissist. I don't know if it can be genetically inherited. But, they both seem to enjoy making others lives hell. Almost 2 years ago, I had to file a harassment restraining order on my brother. I stay away from my mother. Life is hard enough without enduring added stress, abuse, from your own family. I am so sorry your wife didn't share with you her feelings of dealing with her parents. All we want is love, acceptance, and narcissists enjoy tearing people down, keeping them under their controlling thumb. They are unable to show any sincere empathy or remorse for their behavior, in how they treat others. It is all to boost their own self importance.

You have your children and they sound like fine, upstanding adults. You will all support each other through this new, difficult journey. Sending prayers of love, comfort, peace to you all.

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On 8/19/2017 at 9:52 PM, Andrew 521 said:

Chas, I am so sorry for your loss.  Your story is so devastating.   Sudden loss of a spouse is absolutely the worst thing that can happen in one’s life.  But, loss to suicide seems to compound the loss to such a level that it has to be unbearable.   I am three months into my own grief journey and there were times when I didn’t think that I would make it.  On two occasions I had the suicide hot line number out and was ready to call.  I felt like I was losing control and was scaring myself.  I was on the internet learning about how to do it.  When it came down to it, I could not visualize ending my life after a lifetime of happiness.  It’s like a nuclear option,  it would have destroyed me and every relationship around me.  I started taking care of myself, reading many grief books, exercising and anything to fill my day.  I worked on my grief and on my spiritual side as well.  I came to believe that there is an after- life and that gave me hope that I will see my husband one day and that he is in a better place.   Also, after reading other posters experiences, I could see that I was going through the same thing that they had and that their attitudes were changing and that they were moving through their grief.  This gave me hope and confidence that I could also process my grief and reach the other side and possibly once again live a happy fulfilled life.  But, for now, I still have a long way to go in my journey. 

Andrew

Andrew please don't ever think that that is an option to escape anything. We have to carry this with us this is what defines us this is what makes us and how we handle it will be looked upon when you stand in front of the face of God beg for forgiveness of your sins and hope he let you through the Pearly Gates so you can dance on the streets of gold in heaven. We will get through this I know we will it's a matter of learning how to live with it more than it is to get past it you'll never get past it you have to embrace it and carry it with you like a cross,

I'm pretty sure we all know somebody else that had to carry a cross.

Good luck

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1 hour ago, KMB said:

Chasbro,  I am deeply sorry for your loss and all that you are enduring because of it. It has to be beyond any description in being investigated due to your wife's actions. But, as you say, the law is the law, they have to do their job. You are trying to get through each day, coping with and processing her loss. I commend you in being able to hold it together as well as you can.

I don't know what your status is with your wife's parents at this time. I understand narcissism so well. My mother is a narcissist. She combined it with alcohol and my growing up years were awful. I didn't understand what was wrong with her back then. It took until my late 30's to figure it out. Narcissism is considered a mental health disorder. My brother also is a narcissist. I don't know if it can be genetically inherited. But, they both seem to enjoy making others lives hell. Almost 2 years ago, I had to file a harassment restraining order on my brother. I stay away from my mother. Life is hard enough without enduring added stress, abuse, from your own family. I am so sorry your wife didn't share with you her feelings of dealing with her parents. All we want is love, acceptance, and narcissists enjoy tearing people down, keeping them under their controlling thumb. They are unable to show any sincere empathy or remorse for their behavior, in how they treat others. It is all to boost their own self importance.

You have your children and they sound like fine, upstanding adults. You will all support each other through this new, difficult journey. Sending prayers of love, comfort, peace to you all.

I have yet to hear one word from her parents or her family and she had five brothers and sisters who are all married. And 35 years and never once cried sad tears we never once had a fight all we had was Love in This House. It's okay to blame me I can take that, but they're turning their back on my children or their own family ( hello? They're your grandchildren.......) sadly it gives you an idea of what my wife had to endure.

Many thanks

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Thanks to all the fine people here who have cared enough to reply or just read.

I understand the importance of the investigation and questions, it's what laws are all about. I respect our protectors more than they know, our son is a Blackhawk pilot with a bronze star and countless medals.  

It is so difficult being on the other end of the questions.  They interviewed my neighbors, with one commenting that watching us from across the street made her have hope that real love was still alive. When she saw one, she saw the other. All 3 of our children are successful and on theit own. When we decided to start a family early, I asked her to give up her job, which she had a bachelor degree from Eastern Michigan to get, and be a stay at home mom and raise our kids with our values as opposed to a baby sitter or prevent school.  There's nothing wrong with that route, I just had a vision of what I wanted. All 3 were confirmed in Catholic faith.

We were an inseparable team that only until death did we part.

Again, thanks all.

Chas

Ben and family. ...our hero!

Me and our other two kids.....

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You have a very beautiful family! Again, I am touched and sorry with your story.

Does your wife's family treat your wife's siblings the same as they did her? Just curious, you don't need to feel obligated to answer what might be considered a personal question.

I have 4 half sisters and my mother and brother treat them horribly also. it is such a dysfunctional family and there is no interaction among any of us due to anger, resentments and the continual control and belittlement of said mother and brother. It is a sad situation. I could use family support since the loss of my husband, but I know with my family it is a lost cause.

I am sorry your wife's family is not in contact. They are missing out not only in interacting with you, but also their grandchildren.

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My husband's family hasn't contacted me since his funeral, only three attended his funeral (he was one of 11 kids) even though all but one lived within easy driving distance.  His kids have had occasional contact with me but they're across the states, so more removed.

You do have a beautiful family!  It's often what we have created as a family not only what we're born into, and that shows with what you and your wife made together.

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 I'm still learning the website navigation so please forgive me. 

I will answer just about anything in the public regarding this matter if I thought it would help one person.

Her family's basically all narcissist. 

Let you point out, dysfunctional. ...I say it's they that put the fun in it. Just sad.

It was a breaking point about 3 years ago when she had told me she went to their house,( just 2 blocks away), and was attacked with questions about her eyes and such. She had laser surgery for glaucoma about 10 years ago and it was wonderful and she never needed anything else other than that but it wasn't good enough they seem to attack her that day and she put her hands up and walked out. The next day her father dropped her mother off at my house and she came in and he drove home she said down and told Teresa that she wanted to be her friend and that she had to make a decision that if she wanted to be her friend to be her friend but if not then she didn't want to be her friend. Theresa asked her to leave. She picked up the phone and called her dad and told him to come and get her mom and she is on her way home. That was the last time she talked to them other than calling them on Wednesday before she passed which was on a Sunday and she simply called them to tell them she loved them. Her dad said he wondered when she would come around to with she asked "what's that mean? I'm just calling to tell you I love you and Mom"

She was saying good bye for days to family,  but we couldn't tell until after.

If I had seen an indication of illness....she was a seamstress who worked out of the house. She interacted with people everyday. No one ever thought she's we so desperate or in such pain and torment that eventually took her from me.

I thought it was just time and maybe understanding and everything would would work out. She feel deep into her bible studies, I'm fine with it. But sickness, pain, torment  from her parents and shunned by family....it just didnt make sense to any of us, being the kids and I...that it were to end this way.

No dr I could have dragged her into could have seen it, she would have answered all the questions the way they wanted to hear and just been mad at me for it. I lived with her for 35 years and never talked about her childhood issues and never thought she was so desperate. 

It goes back to beatings as a little girl, from her hero, strapped with his belt for what ever reason. She once learned a new word but didn't know what it meant.

Mom...."Theresa, get my brush." 

Theresa...." Are you lazy?" .....

She was 4 and he beat the hell out of her. 

So, like I have said, I will carry this cross and it will forge me into a new man. I have felt so many emotions, hurt, anger,embarrassment, the list goes on. Now when people we know see me, they don't see Charlie,  they see Charlie how's wife killed herself. Should I feel shame?Should I feel embarrassed? Well I do.

But, this is now who I am, I accept what has been forced on me.

I if dont,  then the devil's grip on my soul has won. Why else would I be tested this way? I refuse to let evil prevale over me.

So I'm alone now, sure one thing I have are my children but they all have lives to live. But I have learned I can be alone anywhere I choose in the world really. We had dreams of retirement out west in Colorado with the Rockies off in the distance, and have enough land for a couple horses and just live simple and slow.

I think I'm going to follow up on our plan only just do it with my Border Collies now.

I hope this helps answer all so far. 

Thanks, Chas 

".....without fear, there can be no bravery......"

 

 

 

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darkshadowgirl

@Chasbro  my husband committed suicide also on 6/23/2017. I didn't have much warning. Things were going great, we were doing fun things, hiking and camping. He was hiding this from me as it happened suddenly and without warning. Did you have many clues? Anyway of knowing? We also had a happy life. Nothing to complain about, but he was secretly unhappy. I don't know why. Maybe it was his parents too. How do parents mess up their kids so bad that they kills themselves. He also may have CTE a degenerative brain disease. But I'll never know for sure.

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9 hours ago, darkshadowgirl said:

@Chasbro  my husband committed suicide also on 6/23/2017. I didn't have much warning. Things were going great, we were doing fun things, hiking and camping. He was hiding this from me as it happened suddenly and without warning. Did you have many clues? Anyway of knowing? We also had a happy life. Nothing to complain about, but he was secretly unhappy. I don't know why. Maybe it was his parents too. How do parents mess up their kids so bad that they kills themselves. He also may have CTE a degenerative brain disease. But I'll never know for sure.

No indication that she would do that. None. In looking back she was making peace with family in the weeks before.

Yes weeks. Once it becomes an option there's no telling what may trigger it. 

First off I want to tell you how very sorry I am for your loss. Many folks say they understand,  however unless you've lived it YOU CAN NOT UNDERSTAND SO PLEASE STOP SAYING YOU DO.

Sorry, but it has become annoying when I hear it. I do understand and my heart breaks for you. What you need to do is carry this with you and you will think of him every day.  Don't dwell on the last days but try and recall the dance, candle lit dinners above the city lights, the laughter and joy you brought each other.

You have a guardian angel now that will watch over you. Pray to him and pray to God.  They listen but their answers are subtle so pay attention to the little details of your day, he's with you.....you just have to look and keep your heart free. Don't let evil over take you when your weak. This is when you must be strong, fight the darkness, don't let evil grip your soul. Give your pain to Jesus, ask for guidance and help to understand this. 

I'm always ready to talk or text if you need a friend or just someone who really does feel the same valley cut through our hearts.

God bless, Chas 

9 hours ago, darkshadowgirl said:

@Chasbro  my husband committed suicide also on 6/23/2017. I didn't have much warning. Things were going great, we were doing fun things, hiking and camping. He was hiding this from me as it happened suddenly and without warning. Did you have many clues? Anyway of knowing? We also had a happy life. Nothing to complain about, but he was secretly unhappy. I don't know why. Maybe it was his parents too. How do parents mess up their kids so bad that they kills themselves. He also may have CTE a degenerative brain disease. But I'll never know for 

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Most of us do not foresee their committing suicide.  Some threaten it but many do not.  Keep in mind you are in no way responsible, it more than saddens and you wish you could have them back but you didn't get a say so in this.  I'm so sorry for both of you and I hope you find peace of mind.

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4 hours ago, darkshadowgirl said:

It is so frustrating, why do they not ask for help? Hide it from you. :(

Because rational thought no longer is part of the process.  If they really knew the pain it would cause, they wouldn't do it. But that's the way we think....rationally. .....they didn't have room in there thought pattern to think that way. 

This is my opinion and the way I see it. 

It may sound harsh or brash but it's the only explication I can find.

 

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20 hours ago, darkshadowgirl said:

It is so frustrating, why do they not ask for help? Hide it from you. :(

My cousin lost her husband to suicide 2 1/2 years ago. No hints that it was coming. No suicide note. Nothing she could have done to foresee or prevent it. You are NOT to blame. You never have been and you never will be. Those that commit suicide can't see past their own pain to realize the pain it will cause others. They believe they are past the point of help. I hope you find peace as you deal with your grief over your husbands passing.

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1 hour ago, Eagle-96 said:

Those that commit suicide can't see past their own pain to realize the pain it will cause others.

Often hope is forthcoming but they can't hang on for it.  That was the case for my friends' son, someone I'd known all his life and worked with  He had an appointment to see his therapist on Monday to change his medicine, yet he commit suicide over the weekend...he couldn't even hang on until Monday.  They found his dog in his truck with him.  How horrible it must have been for the poor dog!  And his mom allergic to dogs, they had to rehome him, I often wondered how the dog fared.  

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darkshadowgirl
3 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

My cousin lost her husband to suicide 2 1/2 years ago. No hints that it was coming. No suicide note. Nothing she could have done to foresee or prevent it. You are NOT to blame. You never have been and you never will be. Those that commit suicide can't see past their own pain to realize the pain it will cause others. They believe they are past the point of help. I hope you find peace as you deal with your grief over your husbands passing.

It's crazy how so many had no clue at all. If they are in so much pain how are they able to hide it so well? Well I guess for my husband he had been trained since childhood how to hide his feelings.

At least I'm not alone. How is your cousin doing now? Is she getting on with life again?

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41 minutes ago, darkshadowgirl said:

It's crazy how so many had no clue at all. If they are in so much pain how are they able to hide it so well? Well I guess for my husband he had been trained since childhood how to hide his feelings.

At least I'm not alone. How is your cousin doing now? Is she getting on with life again?

She is slowly accepting a life that she didn't want or ask for. She had a hard time with guilt afterwards. She thought surely she missed clues or hints as to what would happen. But then she realized that she didn't do anything wrong and there was nothing she could have done to prevent it. It wasn't easy but she learned to accept that it wasn't her fault. Her daughter Whitney started the suicide awareness project The Stanley Sessions which is a photography project featuring people affected by suicide. Both those who attempted suicide and who have lost someone to suicide.

http://stanleysessions.com/

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