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Lost without my love


Cela

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I feel so lost.  I am yearning to find people who can now understand me. I am in so much pain and I'm sitting here watching those around me resume their lives.

I'm 25 and my husband (he just has celebrated his 32nd birthday) died on June 22nd. He died only 2.5 weeks after our wedding. We deserved so so so many more years together.
 
He was my everything. We spent over 6 years together loving each other so intensely.  I wake everyday and it is not only that I want to see him lying there, I NEED to see him there. It hurts to reach out my arm to empty space. I feel like my heart has been carved out and then smashed with a hammer it hurts so bad at times. 
 
I returned back to work after 3 weeks. So many in my life told me it would be good for me to be back in a routine, but here I am at almost 2 months since his death and I hate every single day. 
 
Maybe not a great quality about me, I don't know, but in the past I put effort into my appearance. Earlier this week a coworker told me, and her tone was very rude, that I've let myself go. She commented how I always looked so put together and stylish and now *gasp* I didn't even wear makeup to work. I wanted to slap her... and just about every other person I work with lately. I can't be bothered to care about some things because I'm grieving. It is like they love to gossip about me and talk about how sad and frumpy I look, but can't be bothered to say something kind or show some compassion as I've just buried the love of my life. I'm sorry to ramble, obviously I've had a tough go of it at work lately.
 
I'd think I'd be happy to run out of the office, but coming home to the empty house is as if I'm being kicked in the gut every evening. Tonight I decided to take my dog and walk him to a local park and sit for a bit outside. I've been filling a notebook with letters to my love or writing memories or sketching his face. I am worried I'll forget things. I feel crazy then for worrying about forgetting because how could I ever forget anything about him, but I want to soak in all of him again. I want to remember the way he scrunched his face when he was upset about something or even the look he gave me when I said something ridiculous. The little way when he was super concentrated he would bite his lips. Most of all, his eyes. To stare into his eyes and to know that I was completely safe, completely loved, and completely his. He had a way of looking at me like I was the only person he had ever seen, like no one else had ever existed. 
 
I don't know what to do. I wish I knew what I should be doing or what the next step should be. For now I may lay in bed the rest of the evening and torture myself watching our wedding video that was just only mailed to me. Fantasizing about jumping back into those memories for just a bit, because sometimes this reality that he won't be coming back to me is simply too much. 
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**** the people you work with. I took three weeks off of work and I'm on my own in the field every day. I would never be able to go into and office and fake it for eight hours a day. You're stronger than I am

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alone and lost

Cela, I am so sorry for your loss. You are too young to go through so much pain. I know the pain you feel...It is relentless!!!  My husband passed away on July 15, after a year of battling cancer.  He turned 60 in October, and we celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary in December.  I'm so sorry that you had such a short amount of time with your husband.  40 years seems like a long time but it wasn't enough....I wanted more.   I retired from my full time job just before my husband was diagnosed, and have spent the last year being his caregiver and praying that we would have more time together.  My daughter-in-law and grandson were able to stay 3 weeks with me after the funeral, which was very comforting, but they went home last Sunday with my son and I am here in an empty house.  Then today I found a stack of old birthday and anniversary cards that we had given to each other.  I totally lost it.

I can't believe your coworker was so rude and insensitive.  Ignore her and do what you need to do for yourself.  Let them gossip, they obviously can't comprehend the loss you feel.  But I do. And I know how much it hurts.  The nights are so long....are you able to sleep through the night?  I have a few books on grieving, but they are a bit too much for me right now...at least they make me tired enough to fall asleep.

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4 hours ago, Cela said:

I feel so lost.  I am yearning to find people who can now understand me. I am in so much pain and I'm sitting here watching those around me resume their lives.

I'm 25 and my husband (he just has celebrated his 32nd birthday) died on June 22nd. He died only 2.5 weeks after our wedding. We deserved so so so many more years together.
 
He was my everything. We spent over 6 years together loving each other so intensely.  I wake everyday and it is not only that I want to see him lying there, I NEED to see him there. It hurts to reach out my arm to empty space. I feel like my heart has been carved out and then smashed with a hammer it hurts so bad at times. 
 
I returned back to work after 3 weeks. So many in my life told me it would be good for me to be back in a routine, but here I am at almost 2 months since his death and I hate every single day. 
 
Maybe not a great quality about me, I don't know, but in the past I put effort into my appearance. Earlier this week a coworker told me, and her tone was very rude, that I've let myself go. She commented how I always looked so put together and stylish and now *gasp* I didn't even wear makeup to work. I wanted to slap her... and just about every other person I work with lately. I can't be bothered to care about some things because I'm grieving. It is like they love to gossip about me and talk about how sad and frumpy I look, but can't be bothered to say something kind or show some compassion as I've just buried the love of my life. I'm sorry to ramble, obviously I've had a tough go of it at work lately.
 
I'd think I'd be happy to run out of the office, but coming home to the empty house is as if I'm being kicked in the gut every evening. Tonight I decided to take my dog and walk him to a local park and sit for a bit outside. I've been filling a notebook with letters to my love or writing memories or sketching his face. I am worried I'll forget things. I feel crazy then for worrying about forgetting because how could I ever forget anything about him, but I want to soak in all of him again. I want to remember the way he scrunched his face when he was upset about something or even the look he gave me when I said something ridiculous. The little way when he was super concentrated he would bite his lips. Most of all, his eyes. To stare into his eyes and to know that I was completely safe, completely loved, and completely his. He had a way of looking at me like I was the only person he had ever seen, like no one else had ever existed. 
 
I don't know what to do. I wish I knew what I should be doing or what the next step should be. For now I may lay in bed the rest of the evening and torture myself watching our wedding video that was just only mailed to me. Fantasizing about jumping back into those memories for just a bit, because sometimes this reality that he won't be coming back to me is simply too much. 

Hello Cela, as you I am only 25 years old, and at this age I am also grieving the death of my boyfriend, he was 26 years old, and he passed away 17 days before his birthday.

The loss of someone is a terrible thing, Mario died of brain death due to an accident with his car, one weekend we were sleeping together and having fun and the next one I was spending the night next to his coffin, and still hurts, the pain takes all my body and sometimes I can not move, the suffering is overwhelming. Also I am going through the second month after his dead, sometimes I feel this is not happening, I think I am going through a terrible nightmare, but my reality is worst than a nightmare, I can't "wake up" from this, my love one is gone and there is nothing I can do to change this terrible fate.

About your coworkers, please don't listen to them, they have no idea what is going into this, they have no clue of the sadness, desperation and frustration we are living. Maybe someone can relate with me, some days I can't even take a shower -I am not working atm- some days I woke up and cry, and all I can achieve is eating something and getting off the bed. Who cares if you are not wearing make up? Who cares about the way you look? I think beneath your face is you, and your feelings and it is  more important than anything. I admire your self control, I would have punched her in that face so hard, I am sorry about my vocabulary but she was stupid. Make yourself a favor and don't listen to them, don't pay attention to the whisper.

I think you are not crazy, or maybe if you are crazy I am too, I bought a notebook, a beautiful notebook and I want to write down everything, the way he look, how he made me feel, the way he told me I made him feel, memories, experiences, pictures, letters, everything... I don't want to forget about him, I am afraid of forgetting his face of the good things, so I want to write down everything. The important thing is to do what feel good for us.

We all want to come back to those beautiful and happy days, we were blessed and we need to appreciate and value all the beautiful memories.

Cela, I am so sorry for your lost, we are here and everything you need or think, don't hesitate in telling us.

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I am so deeply sorry for your loss, Cela.  You did deserve to have the rest of your lives together and I am sorry you didn't get that. 

Life is so cruel at times!!   We understand your pain, as all of us here have lost the love of our lives and are grieving.  My soulmate was tragically killed 19 months ago and I'm still raw and hurting nearly as badly as I was early days -  I've just learned strategies which help me cope better with my loss. 

I'm sorry you are being treated so badly at your workplace, hon.  I feel your co-workers are way out of line with their insensitive insults !!  Sadly, we have to bear in mind that those who haven't experienced what we have, can't possibly understand our pain as there are no words with which to explain it, If there were such words I'd suggest you print them all off a copy and hand it to them.  I'd probably lose the plot if people made comments like that to me, and not go back - eight hours each day in the park with the dog sounds much preferable.  Is there someone in a human resource position at your workplace who you could discuss the issue with?  Apart from that, I'm sorry I don't know what else to suggest. 

We each grieve in our own ways and timeframes, but we do share many emotions and physical problems.  Our hearts, minds and souls have all taken a severe battering and they will take a long time to heal.  We have all felt, still feel, and understand the lack of motivation & energy, loss of appetite, loss of sleep, the lack of caring much about anything and sometimes everyone else - apart from the loved one we just lost.  I figure this is natures way of giving us 'time out' to really feel our painful emotions and reflect on the life we shared with our departed loved one.  I feel it's a crucial part of grieving and healing in a healthy way, and maybe prevents us from making rash decisions we may later regret. 

Thoughts of the future instills a terrible fear in all of us and you will see from our posts, we often remind each other of the phrases 'one hour at a time'  'one day at a time'.  If we hope to keep our sanity, we need to learn to stop worrying about what tomorrow might bring.  It seems like an impossible way of thinking when our lives have just been ripped apart and our sense of safety demolished, but it's a very helpful coping tool to learn.  I have various other quotes scattered around my home as daily reminders.  

The letters and sketches you are penning are a great idea and will help your healing.  But rest assurred, long term you won't forget anything about your loved one.  I've had many nasty issues to deal with since losing my hubby, so I've been pleased recently to get the odd nice, surprise memory popping into my head.   Not of things we did or places we went, they've been well reflected on, but stupid things we laughed ourselves silly over (and over 22 years there were many!).  They make me smile and think, oh yeah! that was funny - but what I remember the most from these silly times was how I felt at the time - bathed in those warm fuzzies that can only come from a good, honest, dependable love. 

You 'are' doing what you need to do, Cela hon - you are grieving for your much loved husband, for times and memories that were anticipated but can now never be made.  This is the grief a surviving spouse.  There are no rules, no set patterns, no shortcuts.  It's an emotional rollercoaster.  It sucks bigtime, but in time your loss will get easier to bear. 

You have made your way to a forum made up of fellow grievers who understand your rawness, your pain, your loss.  They are compassionate and loving and generous enough to open their hearts and share their personal experiences in order to give hope, to uplift and inspire others.  I hope you'll keep reading and posting as healing can come from participating.  

Sending you strength, love and hugs Xx

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Cela,

Everything you are feeling is normal in grief.  Your coworker is inappropriate in their response, of course you don't care about such mundane things right now, this was hard hitting and a lot to take in!  It took me the longest time to absorb and process my George's death, it was totally unexpected and such a shock, I can only imagine how you must feel, so young, so newly married.  Keep coming here, we get it, we've felt what you're feeling, we'll be here for you, we're listening...

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I find it so hard to not gravitate to a "just wait 'til you are in my shoes" state of mind when people are insensitive. When we hear, "you need to move on" or "it's been xx months/years". My first inclination is to say, "come talk to me when you lose your spouse". I don't want to be vindictive or over the top but sometimes people need to be shocked into the reality we endure every second of every day. If we're getting down to brass tacks the score sheet is well in their favor. I mean the people who spout off their platitudes feel awkward around us for a minute or two. WE, on the other hand, are mired in despair 24/7. Maybe we should just tell them we'd gladly trade places with them if they're up for it.

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I posted a few weeks ago about my sudden loss of my husband. He died on June 22nd after a motorcycle accident. I greatly appreciate the responses I received, but I found myself at such a loss of words. I haven't posted again because I seem to have fallen into this deep grief hole. It is almost that 2 months of his death passed and the reality smacked me full on. I have been really struggling to navigate this life without him.

My beautiful Eddie died weeks after our wedding. Today, the 3rd, is my 3 month wedding anniversary. How can this be possible?

I am feeling more lost now than ever. Has anybody else found that the pain intensifies as time passes? How do you all navigate these terribly painful days?

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19 minutes ago, Cela said:

I posted a few weeks ago about my sudden loss of my husband. He died on June 22nd after a motorcycle accident. I greatly appreciate the responses I received, but I found myself at such a loss of words. I haven't posted again because I seem to have fallen into this deep grief hole. It is almost that 2 months of his death passed and the reality smacked me full on. I have been really struggling to navigate this life without him.

My beautiful Eddie died weeks after our wedding. Today, the 3rd, is my 3 month wedding anniversary. How can this be possible?

I am feeling more lost now than ever. Has anybody else found that the pain intensifies as time passes? How do you all navigate these terribly painful days?

I am also suffering from same pain as you described. Its 2 months for me too and its still hurt too much, i am 29 only and my husband was just turned 30. 

Its hurting so bad and i also want to stop this pain, i dont talk with anyone now and family feeling bad due to this behaviour because i was very talkative before but what can i do, this pain hurting so bad that i do not want to discuss about any rubbish topic, all i want to talk about is my husband but seems like no other interested or they think they might hurt me if they talk about him. 

I am so alone, its almost 2 months and not a single day without crying , i cry everywhere in cab , office, washroom, home wherever i want, i just dont care if people watching me.

I also want to know how people coping with this pain because its hurting very bad.

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The pain can crest and fall, it's very much like a roller coaster ride, not easy to go through.  The pain is extremely intense in the beginning months/years, but eventually subsides into kind of a sadness you carry inside you.  Not that you're sad all the time, you can experience good emotions but the sadness is always lurking underneath too.  Kind of hard to explain but we do eventually adjust to the changes it means for our lives, it's just that it seems unfathomable in the beginning.  It takes much time to process our grief.

I needed to talk to someone in the early days but all my friends disappeared.  As you can see from LoveGoli, we all handle our grief differently.  You have to do what feels most comfortable for you, there will be plenty of time for pushing past your comfort zone (things like going places alone).  I used to go out in the woods and scream and cry.  I'm sure I scared a lot of wild animals. :(

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Cela, Ditto on KayC's reply. We each find our own ways of coping. The pain is very intense in the early months and even beyond. Crying is the best release. I live in the country and I will go outside and cry, scream and yell. I sit in our lonely bed at night and smack the mattress many times to relieve the pent up emotions. The pain does lessen in intensity eventually. It becomes a deep sadness we carry with us. No part of this grieving is easy.

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Celia, hang in there.  I don't have much to add to what other members have said, but know that you are not alone and there's a handful of us who are at your stage of the grief process.  You are not alone. The feelings, emotions, and everyday difficulties you face are all normal.  There has not been a single day that I have not cried since my wife has been gone.  I am crying as I am writing you this response.  We are all grieving with you.  Hang in there.

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On 9/3/2017 at 2:19 AM, LoveGoli said:

I am also suffering from same pain as you described. Its 2 months for me too and its still hurt too much, i am 29 only and my husband was just turned 30. 

 

@LoveGoli I am so sorry that you are also feeling this immense pain. I am sending you hugs!

@KayC and @KMB thank you very much for your comments and sharing your experiences. I cry a lot, but try in public to hold it together. Sunglasses have become my best friend for any public outings. I know I am still very early into this. I'm trying to take it slowly and not think too far into the future. I was in a particularly low place when I posted, so I do appreciate you replying. It helps to know I'm not alone and that others are out there and surviving this.

11 hours ago, Azipod said:

Celia, hang in there.  I don't have much to add to what other members have said, but know that you are not alone and there's a handful of us who are at your stage of the grief process.  You are not alone. The feelings, emotions, and everyday difficulties you face are all normal.  There has not been a single day that I have not cried since my wife has been gone.  I am crying as I am writing you this response.  We are all grieving with you.  Hang in there.

@Azipod I'm very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing and commenting. It is nice to not feel so alone. I'm sorry we are in this awful place together.

Honestly, I appreciate you all here. I have been having a very difficult time with everything. I think part of my struggle is my one sister-in-law has been causing some drama. I think when grieving and already dealing with so much, hurtful things from those you thought were your family/friends really hurts. I have felt so much more alone here. I moved to another country to be with my husband. My parents are very far away. I have lived here for 6+ years and have made a life here, but his family was very much my family and my support. Now, I feel like I lost everybody. It is complicated and upsetting, but I am going to focus on taking care of myself. I've lost a lot of weight I've noticed because my clothes are too loose fitting. I think I will seek out somebody to be able to talk to 1 on 1. I know the pain I feel missing my love will never go away, but for now I guess I need to do better at even existing.

I was listening to some music while going through some things in my home. The playlist I selected on an app was for upbeat songs, but this song by Rhianna came on and I guess I never paid attention to the opening and/or I've never heard it before. The opening lines really struck a chord with me. It seems fitting for some current feelings.

"It’s like you’re screaming and no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important, that without them you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts. You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you. And when it’s over and it’s gone, you almost wish you could have all the bad stuff back, so you can have the good."

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I just lost my whole identity without him, what a person I was before: talkative, laughing all the time, sarcastic jokes , hardworking and now I am just numb, crying all the time and missing him.  Today one of my office friend was saying that what you have done to yourself , you are not looking good at all but I replied him that who cares if I am looking ugly, the one person who cared about my looks is gone so I don't care now.

The look in my husband eyes when I go to office , says everything about my look, his smile when I said Bye to him before leaving home or smile on my face when he reached home and ring the bell and I run towards the door and kiss him, Oh gosh I just miss all those days , never imagined life can be so cruel.

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I am sending you cyber hugs, Cela, and lots of them.  Like me, you have suffered a sudden, traumatic loss which comes with it's own set of complications.  It is essential we have a good support.  You say your family lives a long way away, but have you considered going home to them for a while?   We really need to be around people who at least try to understand what we are going through and have a desire to help us in anyway they can.  We need kindness and love and definitely not problematic people.  I could not have come through what I have and kept my sanity if not for my daughter and supportive friends, but especially my daughter - she's an incredible woman. 

Much to my astonishment my blended family started falling apart right away when my hubby was tragically killed, so I understand the effect your husbands family situation may be having on you. I have had to distance myself from my stepkids who are all middle-aged, been in my life for 22 years.  It wasn't easy and it hasn't solved the problem by any means, **** continues, and 20 months on I have come to the conclusion that they no longer deserve my loyalty.   Sadly, death brings out the best or the worst in folk and step families and in-laws can be a mine field. 

The greater the love, the greater the grief.  It seems grief is a torture those of us who had and lost a great love, must endure for many months, sometimes years.  Then ever so gradually without noticing it, we realize we are coping with everyday life a little better - functioning better at work or home with the children or fighting for justice, we are learning to push ourselves to meet other people's expectations.  The torture has eased to pain and heartache which we learn to conceal from others, but it sits just below the surface, often bubbling over without warning.  By this stage we don't give a toss who we cry in front of, or where.  

Along the way if we read and share our stories, our emotions, we can learn strategies and coping skills to help us cope better with our pain, in an attempt to rebuild our lives.  I think it starts with self-care.  Given the opportunity, maybe none of us would have ever got out of bed again.  I wouldn't have!!  After all, it is our private place, the place we were closest to our lost loved ones and where for a lot of us, spent the most time with them.  

I am glad you are going to have one on one counselling, Cela.  Try and find one who specializes in grief.  Also pleased you intend to carry our more self-care.

Sending you strength, love and hugs X 

 

 

 

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Strength, love and hugs to you too, LoveGoli. Your Goli would have been a very happy and proud man.   He won't forget those fun homecomings from you and you will hold them in your heart forever. Xx

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22 hours ago, KMB said:

I will go outside and cry, scream and yell. I sit in our lonely bed at night and smack the mattress many times to relieve the pent up emotions.

If I was younger when I went through this I think I would have taken up kickboxing or something, can be very therapeutic.  When I was young and at a very stressful time in my life, I got a punching bag and hung it in the garage, it actually helped.
 

I read you all's stories, and can relate to so much of it with what I've been through.  M88, my husband's family disappeared when he died, after his brother tried to get what he could.  I see his kids on social media but not much contact, but at least not totally cut off.  His family didn't even notify me when his dad passed.  It's like I wasn't anything to them, yet I was everything to him, he'd be stunned if he knew how it went.
 

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@M88 thank you so much for the hugs! The suddenness of it all is very difficult to process. He was gone in an instant and I feel that my brain still cannot keep up with the reality or the time that has passed even.  I'm sorry that you have experienced difficulties with some family as well. Like I mentioned, I moved to be with my husband. I actually have an older brother who lives not too far, but he is very busy with young children. I see him when I can, he is only a few hours. I actually met my husband because I was visiting my brother. My brother threw me a birthday party and my husband came as a guest with some friends. We had an instant connection it seemed. We made it work and I moved to this country to be with him. I don't regret my decisions, but with that move his family did become our main support system. I was close with his siblings, or so I thought. After his death in the early days they were all very nice to me. I was having difficulties comprehending anything so I don't know if they felt upset with me in any way, if they did I wasn't able to notice. It seems more that as paperwork has been completed and financial matters have come to light that his sister has been unkind. She has made multiple references that mere weeks before his death I would have been nothing in the eyes of anybody and that essentially as a "technicality" everything is willed to me. It is beyond ridiculous! It is not even as if some crazy windfall is happening. I guess things after a death can really show things about people. I would live on the street in a cardboard box if it would bring my husband back. I know probably not appropriate to discuss here on an open forum, but her real colors are showing and I feel uncomfortable now around his family because of comments made about me.

I met my husband on my 19th birthday. We had this almost instant intense and all encompassing love from day 1. We lived together for years, were engaged for quite some time, and finally married. It isn't like I just met his family or came into the picture. He was MY world. I saw him everyday. I woke every morning to his beautiful blue eyes and fell asleep every night in his arms. My every day has changed. My heart is shattered. I don't take away from his sister's grief as a sibling, but she also cannot understand how I feel. She saw him maybe every other month, if that.

@LoveGoli my heart goes out to you. I am sorry for your pain!

3 hours ago, KayC said:

If I was younger when I went through this I think I would have taken up kickboxing or something, can be very therapeutic.  When I was young and at a very stressful time in my life, I got a punching bag and hung it in the garage, it actually helped.
 

Great suggestions. Maybe I should give kickboxing a try!

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I don't know if I have PTSD from the night my husband died or if is normal to have such anxiety and issues around the time I received the phone call about his accident. 

I had an ok day at work, as ok a day as I think I am capable of at the moment. I was good and stopped to buy a salad to have for dinner tonight. I seemed ok. Then I took our dog for a walk and she seemed like she was searching out for something, pulling me more. She is normally a very good dog on walks. It was strange for her, exhausting for me. I do feel bad that maybe I'm not the best owner currently. I love her so much and I appreciate that she forces me to be out and doing things because she needs it. 

Anyway, we get home and it was as if the moment I shut the front door I caught the time on the clock hanging and instantly I shriveled up into this mess on our floor. I don't know if it was the time or that I really was so strong most of today that I boiled over emotionally or what. 

Nights are very difficult for me. My husband met his friends, it was his one friend's birthday, that night. He normally didn't go out too much on work nights, but it was summer and he wanted to spend time with his friends as we had only just returned from our honeymoon. Just after 9pm I received a phone call from his best friend that there had been an accident. His friend was frantic and and it was almost as if he was shouting information at me. He was driving with friends behind the ambulance and wanted me to meet them at the hospital. He said in this panicked voice that he thought my husband was dying. To hear those words over the phone. I don't even know what happened. It didn't feel real. I remember shouting back asking him to slow down, to explain what he meant, to tell me again where to go. I left my home and it is a miracle that I didn't crash myself going to the hospital. 

It's hard now to hear that friends voice. It's hard thinking about the phone call that changed my life. But it seems that many nights around that time my body ceases to function. I can't think, breathe. I feel as if I'm suffocating by the void that is now my life. 

Now, as some time has passed, I'm feeling ok again, as ok as can be. Crying, but not gasping for air. It is as if I explode in this horrible grief and then my body is still for a bit. I don't know if this is normal or if there is something wrong with me, of course there is something wrong with me - half of me died over 2 months ago.

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I don't know why my font is so big in my last message. Maybe the update? Or that I wrote it out in a fury on the notes in my phone and copied it here. Sorry if the font causing any issues. 

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5 hours ago, Cela said:

of course there is something wrong with me - half of me died over 2 months ago.

Nothing is wrong with you, we all are feeling the same and yes half of died 2 months before. I don't have words to comfort you because I am struggling in myself. 

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sunflowerlove

@Cela Hey lady! I finally got the chance to read your forums! We have  a few things in common. We're almost the same age and my boyfriend who is dead now was 31 years old when he passed in August 19, 2017. Stay strong and be considerate of what your passed love would want! Listen to music, go on a nice walk, or possibly buy a white candle for him and lit it so he can find peace in his heart in his soul where ever he is! No matter what religion a white candle is so peaceful and it brings peace too. Lots of happy thoughts. :)

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It is COMPLETELY normal to feel this way Cela. We are forever changed when we lose our soulmate. These emotional swings are to be expected. When I ride out the waves of emotion during a grief wave I feel as if I am at the lowest point on Earth. Sobbing, wailing, screaming. Then a semblance of peace comes over me. Our bodies work through the horrible feelings inside of us and then there is a calm. Hopefully the calm remains for a while and we can function at a level that allows us to perform even the most basic of tasks. Our lives truly are a roller coaster that we are strapped into on the day our soulmate dies. We never asked to get on the ride but we are here nevertheless. 

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@LoveGolithank you for all of your kind comments always. I know you and I are walking a similar path and are both struggling. I'm sending you hugs from afar my friend! 

@sunflowerloveI'm sorry to hear you have similarities to my story. We are much too young for this pain. 

1 hour ago, Eagle-96 said:

Our lives truly are a roller coaster that we are strapped into on the day our soulmate dies. We never asked to get on the ride but we are here nevertheless. 

This is such a great description! Exactly, strapped in without a choice. Strapped in for terrifying falls and the upward climb. 

@Eagle-96thank you for sharing. Your posts are always so insightful. 

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50 minutes ago, Cela said:

This is such a great description! Exactly, strapped in without a choice. Strapped in for terrifying falls and the upward climb. 

@Eagle-96thank you for sharing. Your posts are always so insightful. 

But don't forget. While much of this ride is terrifying and rough with twists and unexpected turns. Fear and anxiety jolting our body and distorting our reality. There are also the high points at the peak. Right before you take the plunge. If you look you can see clearly, sometimes for miles around. You can see those in your life who really care about you. You can see who is really in your corner. It allows you to separate the wheat from the chaff and hold close to those in your life who really care. Remember it's quality not quantity when it comes to friends.

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20 hours ago, Cela said:

It's hard now to hear that friends voice.

Some grief counseling and EFT might be helpful, it sounds like PTSD, it could be.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2010/03/using-emotional-freedom-techniques-eft.html

http://blog.healthjourneys.com/update-from-belleruth/emotional-freedom-technique-eft-may-look-weird-but-if-it-gets-the-job-done-do-we-care.html
 

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2 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

But don't forget. While much of this ride is terrifying and rough with twists and unexpected turns. Fear and anxiety jolting our body and distorting our reality. There are also the high points at the peak. Right before you take the plunge. If you look you can see clearly, sometimes for miles around. You can see those in your life who really care about you. You can see who is really in your corner. It allows you to separate the wheat from the chaff and hold close to those in your life who really care. Remember it's quality not quantity when it comes to friends.

This is beautifully written and definitely a great perspective to have. I will keep this in mind as you make a great point. 

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

Thank you very much for linking to some resources! I am starting grief counseling so I will read these and ask about it all when I meet my counselor. 

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Good luck with it!  I think it'd be easier to broach with a grief counselor, especially if they're aware of EFT.

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