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Eagle-96

Cemetery Marker

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Eagle-96   

Well, I got a call from the funeral home saying they laid the marker for Lori today. Sort of brings a brand new reality to this. I mean, I know she's gone but each little thing sort of twists the knife a little bit more. When I heard the message from the funeral home it was everything I could do to hold it together at my desk at work. I know it's just a piece of bronze on top of a granite square. It's a benign inanimate object carved by a person who never met Lori and knows nothing about how special she was. It marks a spot on the ground that holds the shell she used for 46 years. It's not her there in the ground. So why does it hurt so much all over again? I am leaving now to go see it. I expect I'll be a puddle for a while. 

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rlw   

I am so sorry.  I lost my husband to suicide in October and every time I had something to pick out it shook me to the core and I would be so very anxious for things such as the headstone and bench I ordered to come in but when they did I would completely lose it.  Each step seemed to make the impossible loss of him more real to me.  Also I think as all the final steps are done it leaves another hole in your life.  If all of those things are done then what can you do to take care of them now?  That's what you are here for and supposed to be doing for the rest of your life right?   Big big hugs to you today. 

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June   

I just started looking for a headstone.  I've decided what I want.  I've already received his military bronze plaque.  Now I just have to be able to agree to and sign the contract for the granite to put it on and my bronze plaque to go with it.  I just can't seem to take that step. 

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rlw   

June,

It took me a long time to decide on my husband's headstone and then to bring myself to order it.  I am not in a place yet where I can give any sort of flowery happy advice; not sure that place exists after the loss of a husband or wife; but you will eventually have spans of time where it isn't as hard to breath as it is right now.   All you can do is get up each morning, continue to breathe and when you are ready to take that step and order the granite you will do it.  I am and have always been a Christian but not the best prayer warrior at all but I have seen in my darkest days these past months and in the most unexpected times and ways god's presence in my life. I can tell you that  no matter what you are doing and aren't doing that you are doing everything you need to do and are doing a great job.  My ideas of grief and what it looked like and the timing of it (not that I thought of it too much before) were completely different from what it really is and the time and toll it truly takes.  I am sure it is also different for everyone.  Every step, breath and decision is a struggle.  Order your stone when you feel ready. 

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Ka9219   
1 hour ago, Eagle-96 said:

I know she's gone but each little thing sort of twists the knife a little bit more.

I totally understand this, I know Mario is dead but some times are a "new" reminder of his passing. Yesterday I was talking with a friend with who we used to play online games with. At the middle of the conversation in broke me, I felt the pain all over again, I felt desperation as the first day, because talking to him about how much we miss Mario make this real, I think we all inside of us hope this is only a bad dream, a terrible nightmare, and someday our love one will walk through the door... but there are those things that remind us that reality could be worst than a nightmare.

Mario was cremated so his "shell" is not longer here, his ashes are on the sea, so there is no place on earth with Mario's name, I don't know if it is better of worst, I can't find consolation in almost nothing.

I send you a big hug. 

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Ka9219   
1 hour ago, rlw said:

If all of those things are done then what can you do to take care of them now?  That's what you are here for and supposed to be doing for the rest of your life right?

In a world of positivism I think we should take care of ourselves. Maybe is a way to honor them?

I find myself asking the same question? And now what?? What do I suppose to do? What does life holds for me? I wish I could tell I've found some answers, but reality is that I just move from day to day and maybe someday I'll find out what do I suppose to do...

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KMB   

A beautiful marker, Eagle.

5 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

I know she's gone but each little thing sort of twists the knife a little bit more.

I had an unfortunate reminder on Tuesday morning. I had an appointment at the funeral home to make my own pre-arrangements. The funeral director actually had my husband's file with him to "help" with information. I actually had to turn away and stare out the window and compose myself before continuing with the arrangements. I think there are always going to be triggers of some sort we have to continually deal with.

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KMB   
4 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

Mario was cremated so his "shell" is not longer here, his ashes are on the sea, so there is no place on earth with Mario's name

You could still have a memorial stone made for Mario for yourself. I'm sure you could have a small one made up for your home, and with space for your name to be added.

My husband was cremated also. I still have his ashes here. I will spread them when I feel up to it, but I was thinking of a memorial marker for the property , which stays in the family.

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Ka9219   
39 minutes ago, KMB said:

You could still have a memorial stone made for Mario for yourself. I'm sure you could have a small one made up for your home, and with space for your name to be added.

My husband was cremated also. I still have his ashes here. I will spread them when I feel up to it, but I was thinking of a memorial marker for the property , which stays in the family.

Hi KMB, I haven't think of that, here in Costa Rica we don't tend to make this things, but I think it is a great idea, I love the idea someday someone could see the stone and see our names together, even after all the years.

Might I ask where do he wanted to be spread? I think all these markers and stones have a big meaning in our lives, it doesn't make it easier, but I think we are blessed to have the opportunity to honor them in life and in death...

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KayC   

Sean,

It is beautifully done, a tribute to her, and it's neat that you will share a spot with her.  I know it's not "her", but still the body she inhabited was familiar to you for so many years, it is special all the same.

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Eagle-96   
5 minutes ago, KayC said:

Sean,

It is beautifully done, a tribute to her, and it's neat that you will share a spot with her.  I know it's not "her", but still the body she inhabited was familiar to you for so many years, it is special all the same.

That was one of my considerations in picking that style in that it is a stacked vault. I will be placed above her so as to save space. It lessens our footprint and is more environmentally friendly. And, as iv'e stated before, She was the only one for me so I won't have to worry about someone else wanting me to be buried next to them. I'll go it alone for the rest of my days. I am hers and she is mine. 

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KMB   
15 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

Hi KMB, I haven't think of that, here in Costa Rica we don't tend to make this things, but I think it is a great idea, I love the idea someday someone could see the stone and see our names together, even after all the years.

Might I ask where do he wanted to be spread? I think all these markers and stones have a big meaning in our lives, it doesn't make it easier, but I think we are blessed to have the opportunity to honor them in life and in death...

Ka, I am not familiar with Costa Rica and the culture's customs and how loved ones can be honored. I live in Wisconsin/USA and in this state, you can do whatever you prefer with seeing to a loved one's wishes. My husband was an only child. His parents bought farming acreage the year my husband was born. His mother passed when he was in his early 30's. his dad passed the property down to him when he passed in 2005, and then I inherited it. My husband wanted his ashes spread at special places we had here on the property.I haven't been able to bring myself to do that yet. His ashes are next to our bed for now.

I might have a tattoo done in honor of my husband. I'm just waiting to be in a more stable frame of mind before I make a decision either way. I have been doing research and ashes can be used with ink in the out lining of a tattoo .Ashes can also be used in making designs in glass (heart shaped) as a keepsake. I might decide on neither of these. Especially a glass keepsake. I have images of someone donating it or tossing it out when I am gone. My husband has two grown children and they don't care about anything I do with their dad's belongings. His son will inherit the property when I'm gone and he is not the sentimental type.

So, maybe I will just spread my husband's ashes where he wanted them and get a headstone with both of our names to sit somewhere special out here. My oldest daughter is executor of my things and she can see to having my passing date added to the headstone.  I am just taking my time with these final decisions. God knows, I have plenty of time on my hands.

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Ka9219   
16 minutes ago, KMB said:

Ka, I am not familiar with Costa Rica and the culture's customs and how loved ones can be honored. I live in Wisconsin/USA and in this state, you can do whatever you prefer with seeing to a loved one's wishes. My husband was an only child. His parents bought farming acreage the year my husband was born. His mother passed when he was in his early 30's. his dad passed the property down to him when he passed in 2005, and then I inherited it. My husband wanted his ashes spread at special places we had here on the property.I haven't been able to bring myself to do that yet. His ashes are next to our bed for now.

I might have a tattoo done in honor of my husband. I'm just waiting to be in a more stable frame of mind before I make a decision either way. I have been doing research and ashes can be used with ink in the out lining of a tattoo .Ashes can also be used in making designs in glass (heart shaped) as a keepsake. I might decide on neither of these. Especially a glass keepsake. I have images of someone donating it or tossing it out when I am gone. My husband has two grown children and they don't care about anything I do with their dad's belongings. His son will inherit the property when I'm gone and he is not the sentimental type.

So, maybe I will just spread my husband's ashes where he wanted them and get a headstone with both of our names to sit somewhere special out here. My oldest daughter is executor of my things and she can see to having my passing date added to the headstone.  I am just taking my time with these final decisions. God knows, I have plenty of time on my hands.

KMB, I think Costa Rica has adopted several things of the American culture, since you are one the biggest business partner, and we have a big amount of migrations from USA -mostly elder- we have adapted to a very similar life style. But since Mario was still to young, he didn't own any property and he wanted his ashes to be spread on this sea. His favorite place was the Caribbean beaches, a specific place called Puerto Viejo. Maybe as a long-term project I'll buy some property in there and I can put the headstone in there.

I think I've heard about the multiple uses of ashes, and I think I recall the tattoo one. I also have been thinking in a tattoo, He was my sweet little bear, so I've been thinking in a couple of bears, but he also loved dragons, so maybe that could be good idea, as you, I am taking so time in order to think well what I want and what is better. Do you have in mind what do you want for the tattoo?

I love the idea of the heart shaped glass, will be meaningful. Is "nice" to see how the ashes become one with the place they used to loved. As my mother in law told me: we will never see the sea in the same way. It is sad to know we left him so far away from us, but also, is good to know he is in his favorite place

 

20170606_110947.jpg

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KMB   

Very beautiful picture!  I can see why Mario wanted his ashes floating free there.

My husband and I used to write letters to each other. I saved every letter, every card and even the little notes he would leave for me before he left for work. He signed off with" I love you forever, baby". Since I am right handed, I was thinking of having his sign off signature tattooed on my right hand. Always where I can see it. I've also thought of having a photo of him tattooed on one of my upper arms. Just ideas in the brewing stage. I have never been one for tatts, but I've admired the artistry of them. I'm willing to do this in honor of him.

I think that is a sweet idea to one day buy a piece of property in Puerto Viejo to place a memorial headstone.I feel that Mario would love that.  (HUGS)

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Dian   

I ordered a headstone with Doves holding a banner with wedding rings in the middle and our wedding date in the banner. It will have our last name and then his and mine with the dates. I bought a plot and will have his ashes buried and when my time comes mine will be buried as well in the same plot. I also just got a tattoo, my first on my forearm of an EE Cummings poem , I carry your heart with me, I carry it in my heart, I am never without it. The words are in the shape of a heart. I placed it on my forearm so I could see it  all the time. The headstone will not be ready until the end of September. This way when my time comes my kids,will know what to do and it's all paid for. My boys really wanted a place to go and honor their father. I'm planning on getting flowers the colors of his favorite football team placed on top. I think he would like that. God I miss him. Never thought I would be planning all of this at this stage of my life. 

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Ka9219   
5 hours ago, KMB said:

I think that is a sweet idea to one day buy a piece of property in Puerto Viejo to place a memorial headstone.I feel that Mario would love that.  (HUGS)

Do you think? He always wanted to live there, it is a small town, people around don't live in luxury and they look always happy and friendly. He was constantly telling me he wanted to lived there, with no worries about money or possessions, with the sea in front of our home, and the sound of the waves there to relax. And all I wanted was his happiness so I agreed with him, it was a long-term plan.

We were both planning to tattoo together but we never came up to a specific idea.  

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KayC   

I got a tattoo of our symbol with his name (in his handwriting) below it...it's in a private place, not for everyone else to see but I know it's there and that brings me comfort.
I didn't know about the things you could do with ashes, I spread his in our back yard after two years...I kind of wish now I'd had a diamond pendant made from some of them, but I hadn't heard of it until too late.

I like cremation because you can scatter the ashes where they'd like to be.  I know it's symbolic, they aren't really there, but it has meaning to us to be able to honor them in some way meaningful.  Sean, I like that you and Lori will be together again, and that you'll be over her, kind of like protecting her...now she awaits your joining her.

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M88   

That really is a lovely marker, Eagle.  I see the marker as a record that she lived, that she was loved, that she will one day be joined by her husband who loved her. 

I too bought a double depth plot for Gerry & I.  We didn't make old bones together as we expected, but one day our bones will intermingle forever.  

Sending strength and hugs. 

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Ka9219   
14 hours ago, KayC said:

I got a tattoo of our symbol with his name (in his handwriting) below it...it's in a private place, not for everyone else to see but I know it's there and that brings me comfort.
I didn't know about the things you could do with ashes, I spread his in our back yard after two years...I kind of wish now I'd had a diamond pendant made from some of them, but I hadn't heard of it until too late.

I like cremation because you can scatter the ashes where they'd like to be.  I know it's symbolic, they aren't really there, but it has meaning to us to be able to honor them in some way meaningful.  Sean, I like that you and Lori will be together again, and that you'll be over her, kind of like protecting her...now she awaits your joining her.

Yes, a lot of things are meaningful, and as always, we need to do what feels good and/or right for us. I like the idea of the tattoo, is something than no one can take away, almost like a memory. 

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cjoney   

It took me over 2 months to even look at what to have engraved on my husband's urn. I didn't expect it to come so soon and cried when I opened it. It took a couple of days before I took a picture and sent it to his sister. She made me feel better as she liked what I picked out. I guess seeing it feels so final. Praying for you.

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KayC   

cjoney,

I'm sure that was hard...it was hard for me picking up his ashes, I had my sister drive me there. It helps to have someone close to go with for these things.

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June   

I finally took the step and placed the order.  It will be similar to yours, Eagle, but will be 2 bronze plaques (his military) on one granite marker side by side.  I wish someone had told me about burying one atop the other.  As it is, a space was left between my husband and my mother for me.  
 

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June   

Did y'all save flowers from the service?  I did.  A couple of roses, a hydrangea, and daisies.  I hung them to dry.  
Today I arranged them in a beautiful black shadow box.  It looks really nice.  
I guess it's silly but whatever makes me feel better is what I do.  

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KayC   

I didn't think to do that but someone brought a picture of him with a poem she wrote for him, framed with some cherubs and I have it up on my bookcase still.  Someone also had a tiny angel in one of their plants and I placed it in my hanging planter, over the years it's broken but I still have it there.  I also had a marker made that I placed where I scattered his ashes by a tree in the back yard.

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