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Motherofanangel2017

4 Days old

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I'd never thought I'd be sitting here writing this. On July 27th 2017 I gave birth to a seemingly healthy baby boy. He was 7lbs even, head full of hair, came out eyes open and screaming. July 29th we got to bring our baby boy home. He was so precious! The minute he was born I just stared at him and cried. He was so perfect in every way. July 30th after his first night at home I woke up maybe around 7 am and I'd been with him the entire day. I was exhausted but I loved every minute of it, I did not know this would be my last day with my beautiful baby boy. I was a great mother. If he made the slightest noise I'd hop up quickly to tend to him and I never let him out of my sight. I woke up around maybe 3am to feed him and change his diaper. I was sleepy but I burped him and held him for a little as usual. I laid him down next to me and went to bed. Later that morning around 7am I here my boyfriend screaming my name, he brought my son over to me, he was not breathing and had a dried up stream of blood coming from his nose and mouth. He ran out of the door and drove to the hospital where they worked on our son for an hour but he was gone. My immediate thoughts were oh no what did I do? Did I sleep on him? What happened? I prayed harder then I ever had in my life but my baby boy was gone. I've since been depressed. I wanted to take my own life so that I could be with him. God saved me. I know my son is an angel now flying high waiting for us to reunite again. After the initial shock and blaming of myself, investigators and my counselor assured me that more than likely I had not been the cause of his passing. Nothing will make me feel better, except having him back but that definitely subsided the horrible guilt I had. We're still awaiting the autopsy. I don't know what I'd do if they tell me this was something I could have prevented. We love our son so much. I'm 21 years old, I made sure the world was ready for him when he came. I'd done everything right so I thought but in the end it doesn't mean a thing. I'm sad. I miss him. My world is Diminished. I'm afraid to have any future children. I've experienced so much loss and pain in my life when is it going to end? I know everything works according to Gods plan for us but why my baby? Why? I was released from a crazy hospital for lack of better words and I've talked to multiple counselors. Anyone else going through or been through this before? I need help.

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motherofanangel12017 I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son. How sudden and awful and scary. I hope the autopsy gives you some answers that will rest your mind a little although it does sound likely that it was SIDS sudden infant death syndrome which cannot be predicted or prevented.i am so saddened that you could not have had more time with him but like all of us it is never long enough never long enough. You and your boyfriend sound like you were great parents and the love for your baby shines through. You will forever miss him but in time a long time the pain will fade more and you will find the light again. There is never enough answers the why my child? is something we have all struggled with. I hope your faith helps you in these dark days and you have come to the right place for understanding and support. Take care

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motherof an angel....please go to 'Loss of Adult child' and post your story....there are many active parents on that site and I know of three parents that have also lost a baby and later lost an adult child....you will find many on that site that can relate to your grief with their experience. Please do not torture yourself in thinking you had any responsibility in his passing....as Lesley stated above...it does sound like SIDS...and sadly....there is still nothing that can predict that health issue. Please take care and be very kind and gentle with yourself....let others in your circle console you and his Dad....hold on to each other. I have learned that many times...there is simply no answers to questions....no reasoning or straight forward answers. We are simply beyond sad for you. Stay in Peace...Stay in Grace.

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