Lost my mother on July 27, 2017

[daeliptish]

I never imagined to be typing words on a grieving support group site today... July 27, 2017, A day I will never forget. The day I lost my mother to death. You know what pains me the most? The fact that she died alone in our room. I am an only child, 27 years of age and my father passed away on October 20, 1989. I was born on October 15, 1989, therefore I was only a mere 5 day old infant when I lost him to death. Basically, my whole life is just my Mama and I. She took care of me, educated me, fed me, gave me EVERYTHING, did EVERYTHING. She sacrificed 27 years of her life for me. I saw the moments of hardships, pains, and disappointments she endured just to give me a life that is comfortable. We would always go to bed at night and watch music videos of my favorite artists, or watch her favorite movies. We would laugh and cry together while watching, haha. Days before she died, she told me she was not feeling well. We were eating then and after she finished her meal, she suddenly felt not too good. She lied down on the bed and rested. For the first time, we didn't watch any videos because she rested instead. I was worried, but not too much as I thought it was a simple flu. I gave her meds when she woke up, even talked to her. She said she is going to be fine anyway so no need to get so worked up. Next day, I went to work. I couldn't leave her because it felt like my feet were too heavy. She said she was fine and just needed a cold glass of water, which I gave her. She told me "Go, or you'll be late", and I did go. 

That was the biggest regret of my life. If onlys and what ifs filled my existence now. If only i didn't leave, If only I had taken the initiative to call a doctor, if only I called an ambulance, If only I was by her side before she took her last breath. I was worried the whole day at work. It's like something is bothering me for some odd reason. I decided to take an early out at work. I needed to go home that's what I thought. I passed by a vendor who sells banana cue (it's a popular snack in the Philippines, it's basically sweetened bananas on a stick), it was her favorite snack and figured she will be happy if I buy three sticks of it for her. 

I went home and it's like time suddenly became so slow. I unlocked the door and I saw what will be the biggest nightmare in my life. I...saw my mother, leaning on the side of the bed, frozen and not breathing. I literally just looked at her. I did not know what to do. After a minute or two, panic sets in and I saw my hands shaking while dialing the numbers on my mobile phone. My phone even froze on me and I screamed the biggest curse I have ever said in my entire life. Minutes after, Medics came in, saying no heartbeat and no pulse. Nothing. She might have died at around 9AM. I saw her at 4:24 PM. 

Upon hearing what the medics said, I shook her, I poured water on her face, I slap her, I beat her chest, EVERYTHING out of desperation. I then broke down and cried. The reality slowly creeping on me that YES, she is gone, Christine. Our lives together suddenly flashed in front of me. I couldn't even grieve properly because I have to process her death certificate and cremation permit file the next day.

Who would have thought I would process that damn death certificate?! I was angry and bitter. It felt unfair. She, at the age of 54, died of a heart attack. That's what the coroner said. Up until this day, my head is still swimming around that day when I found her body. I still work, eat, take a bath, doing what Humans normally do but it all felt pointless now. Waking up everyday is a pain. The only motivation I have is that I know my mother wouldn't want me to waste my life away. She suffered 27 years and for me to just throw that all away is like being an ungrateful child. The least I can do to her is show her that her sacrifices didn't end up to nothing. 

I guess this void in my heart will always be in here now no matter what. I'd be happy one minute, but sad the next. I know time will heal me, but I also know it wouldn't heal me completely. 

[reader]

Dear Daeliptish,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I am so sorry for your pain and sorrow. Its a horrible shock.

I know no one can ever take the place of your beloved mom. But I hope you will surround yourself with loving friends and family during this difficult time.

Please know you are not alone and we are all here to listen.

Take care of yourself. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

[daeliptish]

Thank you so much for giving the time to respond to my thread.  You're right, no one can ever replace her. I know I'll find someone who will make me happy eventually, but I know it'll never fill in that void.  I am just grateful that I found this site and was able to pour out what I feel through writing my thoughts. This actually made me feel a little better. 

Thank you once again.

[sadandlost]

Dear Daeliptish,

I am deeply sorry for your loss.  I cried reading your story.  It is a terrible trauma to come home and find your mother dead.  I can't even imagine.  I don't even know what to say.  I wish I could say something that would make things a little better but I know there isn't anything.  Please know we are all here because we are also in the pain of devastating loss.  I am so sorry for you.  We are all in the same club now.  The club that no one wants to join but we are here, the sad club!  I hope you have someone around you who you feel close to that you can lean on who will be there for you.  If not, we are here to read your words and understand your pain.

[jeremyseeley]

i'm a big believer in heaven i hope and pray you can find peace in that daeliptish

[daeliptish]

On 8/18/2017 at 9:32 PM, sadandlost said:

Dear Daeliptish,

I am deeply sorry for your loss.  I cried reading your story.  It is a terrible trauma to come home and find your mother dead.  I can't even imagine.  I don't even know what to say.  I wish I could say something that would make things a little better but I know there isn't anything.  Please know we are all here because we are also in the pain of devastating loss.  I am so sorry for you.  We are all in the same club now.  The club that no one wants to join but we are here, the sad club!  I hope you have someone around you who you feel close to that you can lean on who will be there for you.  If not, we are here to read your words and understand your pain.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post.. Yes, even today my head is still swimming around that image I saw that day. I would dream about it, and I would end up thinking about it the whole day. Back from work now and it does help distract me from the pain, but every time I come home, that scene will greet me. I guess this is indeed trauma. I never understood how one feels when traumatized before, but now I know very well.

Aw, yeah the sad club.   But I am really glad to have found this site. It makes me feel lighter knowing that someone truly understands me. I hope someday we will all be healed from this pain.

[daeliptish]

On 8/19/2017 at 2:44 PM, jeremyseeley said:

i'm a big believer in heaven i hope and pray you can find peace in that daeliptish

Me too.  I really hope I will find inner peace... Someday I know I will. Thank you so much for your kind words.