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My husband took his life because of me


davesdon

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Hi.
My husband took his own life on 19 July and I really need some support. 

My husband was 31. We'd been together for 11 years, married for 9 and we have two beautiful daughters, Katie age 7 and Sophie age 2.

A bit of background: we met in 2006, and for the first couple of years we put each other through hell. He was violent, which I felt was my fault as I would obsessively interrogate and go on at him over the possibility of him cheating (he didn't) and his exes, which was silly as they were short-term relationships. He was also jealous and insecure. We were both quite immature to be honest.

We married in 2008 and the violence towards me stopped, though he was at times violent to objects (punching holes in walls etc). Katie was born in 2009 and he was the doting dad, we adored her. 2009-2014 was good, many happy times, just your normal marriage really.

2014 I wanted another child, my husband (Dave) didn't. He felt I didn't love him anymore as I was too focused on Katie and being a mum, I was close to death after childbirth and he'd only ever wanted one child. He eventually agreed to have another child to make me happy, and Sophie was born in 2015. He adored Sophie and she him.

Things then went downhill a few months after Sophie's birth. Dave met a friend called Dan and all of a sudden he went from hardly ever drinking (say 1 pint per month if that) to going out all night getting drunk and coming home at 2-3am. I felt this was unacceptable and that he was putting his friendship above our marriage/kids. At the end of 2015, Dave discovered some debt I'd hidden and he smashed up the house in a temper. The neighbours heard and called the police but we covered it up and no action was taken other than them asking Dave to leave for the night.

Life became difficult then as Dave blamed the neighbour for calling and refused to talk to her or let me talk to her, so we spent our life avoiding her. Throughout 2016 we had months we were split up (but living together) and months we were together. During the "split" times he felt excluded from family life as I carried on taking the children out but without him etc. I realise now that it was depressing for him. We ended 2016 on a positive note and making a go of things. I wanted another child but he didn't and it was a bit of an issue but to be honest it's quite a common thing for women to be broody a lot!

I'll now go into the suicide.

Beginning of January 2017, I came across an order on Amazon for a gas mask. After some research I realised it was for suicide and confronted him. He confirmed my suspicions and told me that suicide by gas was quick, guaranteed and painless which is why he had chosen it. I asked him if he'd been happy at Xmas and he said "I thought I could be" so I asked him to explain why he was suicidal and he said "because you're mental". I asked him to explain how I'm mental and he said I was "making up stuff every day to have a go at him about and couldn't just be normal/happy". I asked if he needed a doctor or counselling and he snorted and said the cure was for me to be "not mental". I asked if he'd considered the children and all they'd miss/he'd miss, and he said he had but they'd be better off without him and would get over it. I asked if he'd considered me and he expressed that he felt I wouldn't care and would get over it too. He seemed convinced I didn't care about him. After such a long talk I thought I'd changed his mind, he cancelled the order and promised not to do anything silly. I'd noticed that for a day or so before I found the order he'd shut down and not even looked at the kids he admitted this was to distance himself from them to make it easier to kill himself and that he felt it had worked.

A few weeks later, I checked his email and discovered he'd enquired about buying a mask in person and paying cash (to avoid being discovered). I confronted him and he got angry that I was "monitoring" his emails (you can understand why!) I can't remember much else other than I think he blamed it on me leaving him as I'd told him I wanted to leave. I emailed the company and told them not to serve him and they agreed.
Mid-February 2017 we had an argument over him drinking, he'd started drinking more at home and also going to the pub from work but denying it. The argument escalated into him calling Action Fraud and reporting me for "getting him into debt", I overheard him telling them he was in an abusive relationship. He pushed past me and I felt he was aggressive so I called the Police, who removed him from the house. He hadn't been violent but he was angry. I packed my stuff and went to a refuge with the children. I was gone for a few days before he started messaging me, asking how the kids were and to see them. I asked if he was going to do anything silly (suicide) but he ignored me. At first I suggested supervised contact or a contact centre but he refused saying there was no need. I relented and agreed he could see the children at the pub for dinner as long as I came. He then began to message me begging for me back, saying he'd do anything etc. to fix it. When I took the children to see him, he was teary, I'd never ever seen him like this at all, he was desperate for me to come home. A few days later I did and he was the happiest I'd EVER seen him.
He started making an effort with me and the kids (something I'd told him I was leaving him for, as he never bothered with the kids) and was genuinely really happy. We moved house to our dream area at the end of March.

There was an occasion but I can't recall when, certainly before March but possibly 2016 when he told me he "used to think I was poisoning his food" - I thought he was joking til he explained that that was why he always fed Sophie small bits of his dinner, to stop me poisoning it incase she had any. I see now how paranoid this was. At the time he felt I hated him enough to do that, to want him dead.
April 2017 and we had an argument. He'd been to the pub to avoid seeing my family and I was annoyed. He denied going to the pub. I then heard him on the phone saying "please come quick I'm worried for the kids" - so I explained to Katie he must have called the police but that it was ok and they would sort things. She became distressed. Dave then came over to us and began videoing us, calling me disgusting for dragging Katie into it, telling me I'd said I called the police etc. He later admitted the call I'd heard was "fake" to "get me to leave him alone" but he later called for real, to "give his side of the story" as the police arrived at 11pm. The police confirmed I hadn't called them and it was just a silly argument, but to this day Dave insists that I'd told Katie I'd called them. Despite the fact I had neither said it nor done it. Anyway I threw him out and told him he could attend Sophie's party the next day. He said he came back to sort things out (but was ignoring me!) so I carried on with the party. He then heard me on the phone to my friend asking if she and her partner were coming to the party. He then came downstairs and announced to the room "I have to go as Donna's arranged for me to be beaten up in front of the kids". What on earth!!! He left, stayed in a hotel for a few days, then rented a room. He came to see the kids at my house a few days later and I agreed he could come home.

End of May was our wedding anniversary and we had a nice night out. We'd tried date nights in 2016 but they'd ended badly as he always drank and even one drink turned him into an aggressive idiot. This one was nice though.

June was up and down with lots of arguments.

First week of July we went abroad on holiday. It was very hard work with a toddler and Katie, as Katie's behaviour is really difficult. This past year she has become full of attitude, nasty, doesn't listen, doesn't sleep, doesn't let me leave her room at night, to the point where if I try to leave she SCREAMS the house down which wakes her little sister. She knows I'll do anything to avoid that so she uses it as a weapon. If I sent Dave up instead, she'd scream that he was killing her, so that he felt he had to leave, and because she knew we'd be concerned about the neighbours believing her and calling social services. This was every night and could be all night sometimes. It meant getting no time to myself or with Dave, and put a hell of a lot of stress on us.

Anyway the holiday was nice but hard work - I didn't get any evenings with Dave due to Katie's behaviour, he drank a lot, on one day he refused to eat all day and ended up throwing up due to drinking (but denied it and tried to say his cocktail was dodgy). I did everything for the kids, from the aeroplane to sun cream applications and I wasn't happy about that.
The day we got back from holiday (13 July) we were all tired and Katie began playing up. After a few hours of it I sent Dave and he ended up smacking her, HARD. It left a handprint (which faded to be fair). I was very angry and yelled GET OFF HER! He then called me a vindictive b*tch and said I'd yelled it on purpose to get him arrested. Now I will be honest here and say that he has smacked her once before but not hard, and that I have smacked her before (very lightly) but it isn't something I condone or agree with and would not be happening again. Chronic sleep deprivation and 22 hours of her behaviour every day drove me to it. I've since had support and learned better coping mechanisms.

I didn't see Dave after that smack as he slept downstairs. I leave before him in the mornings too. Friday 14th I stayed in a hotel with the kids and emailed him telling him his smack was illegal/cruel and I couldn't forgive him, that all holiday I'd done everything while he drank and that I'd had enough and he needed to leave or I'd have him removed. Well he didn't leave, and instead spent the whole weekend in bed. Didn't get up for anything. I remember going in and asking him to move so that Sophie and me could have the bed as she was poorly (something he''d normally do) but he ignored me and instead set his phone up to record himself and the room. I remember going in a few times and he was either asleep, on his phone or staring at the ceiling. I panicked thinking he was suicidal again but the fact he was recording himself made me think he was just playing games. I didn't see him Monday morning as we leave before him. 

Emails were going back and forth, the usual arguments and accusations. I put a bag of his stuff outside on Monday and text him telling him to pick it up which he did (I didn't see him) and he stayed in a hotel that night. Tuesday he went to work as normal. I emailed him a list of some of the violent things he'd done to me and he replied "psychopath! I hope they get to our girls soon" which I took to mean he'd reported me for something or other. I now know it refers to his suicide note (which I'll go into in a minute)

Wednesday he died.

From speaking to police and Dan I have established a rough timeline.

On Tuesday 18th he was keen to finish work early. They finished, and he bought nitrogen on eBay and drove to collect it (1.5 hour drive). During the drive he spoke to Dan, said he was going for a drive and would see him tomorrow, nothing out of the ordinary. He collected the gas at 5pm. I cannot account for his whereabouts from 5-11pm. But I know that he was at a supermarket car park at some point after it closed at 11pm.
On Wednesday 19th at 1.30am he emailed me, saying he'd had 11 years of my abuse and control and there was only one way out, that he didn't care what lies I told or evidence I made up as he'd finally be free, that he failed to protect the girls and was paying for that. That no matter how good a liar I am I can't get out of it this time. Things like that. It ends with him saying he gave me everything he had, did everything I ever asked, built his life for our family but that it wasn't enough and nothing ever is. I replied at 5.30am but I have no idea if he got it or not as he was found dead at 6am. He was found approximately 45 minutes from my home.

**This is how he did it, feel free to skip**

He had done it by using a hose connected to nitrogen and filled a carrier bag with it, placed it over his head, secured with tape, and I believe died quickly and peacefully as if he'd gone to sleep. I know he did it correctly as that's the kind of man he was, and he wouldn't want to risk brain damage, so I assume he died within as little as 10-15 mins.

**Carry on**

He left a note. It began with my name and said he could no longer go on living in fear of false prosecution and being beaten up by my friends/family. It said I'd taken the girls from him when I'm the abuser, that he had nothing left and I win. It then details the cash he has on him (£1200) is his escape fund but he won't be needing it, that all his money should go only to the girls, that they (police??) should check his phone for emails as it will tell them all they need to know. It then says "please save my girls from that monster!" and finally to the girls he apologises for not being able to protect them from me and says he loves them both now and forever. It was a short, concise letter. He left a further 2 sheets of paper with various examples of domestic abuse I'd apparently done. Some true (not letting him cook or clean, I'm OCD but it never bothered him), some entirely untrue (threats to kill him) some twisted versions of events (saying I pushed him down the stairs and blamed him, but in reality it was him smashing up the house) and some things calculated to sound bad (saying I wouldn't let him watch tv if women were in underwear which isn't true, but if he wrote the truth which was that I didn't like him looking at naked women/porn then it wouldn't sound bad enough would it). 

There were also numbers for male domestic violence helplines/refuges and a child law website written on there. I don't know if he called these places.

I've since found wage slips he'd hidden in a work bag - somewhere nobody would think to look. One is from April 2017 which I know he used to rent his flat when I threw him out. The other 3 are for Aug, Sep and Oct 2016 so I can only assume he was planning to leave??? There was also a form in his van, the form you fill in to find out exactly what the police hold about you, all information - not dated or sent but filled in and signed.

So now here I am almost a month later.

Most people are over it now, they don't want to hear me going on and on about it. I'm alone quite a lot. I have a good friend but she's away til September. 
I'm waiting to get Dave's phone back from the police though I doubt it will yield any clues. The police are not investigating as they know it is suicide and nobody helped him. 

I have so many questions - to be honest I did threaten to have him arrested for his violence many times, pretty much every time we argued. I lied to him and said I had evidence, and he felt I would make up more. Is this why he killed himself, like he said? I have no idea where his paranoia about being beaten up came from as the bloke in question has never met him, he isn't the nicest of people but I can't recall ever telling Dave he'd be beaten up! I had photos of bruises on me to show the GP as I bruise easily, and Dave thought that was evidence on him despite me saying otherwise!

I have had 3 sessions so far with a counsellor. They help.

He hid so much from me - the money, wage slips, even his habits for example he told me he rarely saw Dan, turns out they had lunch together every day and drinks every Monday after work! They talked on the phone all the time!

He never once accepted any responsibility or apologised, he never accepted the violence, he'd just deny it or say I invented it. He went from blaming me for "bruising like a peach" or provoking him, to flat out denying it ever happened.

I just have so many questions - did he love me? If he did, why was he planning to leave? Why didn't he leave instead of die?

He was so convinced he'd never see his kids again or never see them unsupervised - no matter what I said. So why not spend the money on a lawyer to fight for access or fight for unsupervised access? He said he didn't want to drag the kids through contact centres so why not fight it? Hell why not stay in the marriage to see them that way?

He did nothing to fight for the kids, to "protect" them or fight for access. He did all this research on how to die, but no research on what would happen if I did go to the police about him!
I can only think him smacking Katie was a trigger - if I reported it, she'd back it up and then he might lose unsupervised or all access.

Why blame me and make up vicious lies?

Katie broke down when I told her, Sophie doesn't understand. Katie broke down at the funeral, and again when she came across his chain. Other than that she's been quite resilient and carried on as normal. I'm trying to be strong for her.

I am so angry - how could he take himself from me and them? He has missed so much and will miss so much more! This will affect them their whole lives!!!

It hurts that he didn't even say goodbye to me or them, he didn't at any point in emails/notes say he loved me. He didn't apologise for doing it, he didn't say anything about what he'd miss. Just lies and allegations!
The police know all of this and so does the coroner and my counsellor, all they can say is he must have been mentally unwell. Well that doesn't help me figure out why!!

I miss him so much, it would have been our 10 year wedding anniversary next year. 

What he did was so unnecessary, it was no different to any other argument (except him smacking Katie and me listing violence). I was expecting him home! I knew I should have got into that bed and talked to him or told him to come home! I feel like me kicking him out was the trigger and he made the decision that day or the day after. But I thought I'd talked him round before so maybe it was always going to happen.

Did he love me? Did he mean to die? Obviously his method was guaranteed to be fatal, but did he actually mean and want to die, or was it just he felt he had to? Did he do it out of anger or spite? Did he do it to punish me? Did he do it because he thought nobody would care? (he always felt I didn't love him)

Just so many questions.
There'll be an inquest as well.

I just don't know how to get through this - I'm usually ok in the day as I have the kids to keep me busy, but little things can upset me like seeing his favourite food in the shop. Nights are hard, I usually phone someone or go online to distract myself.

Sometimes I feel like I'm ok and I can do this, but then it hits me, it can be something small like Sophie says a new word, or something big like Christmas.

Katie tells me when she was alone with him he played with her lots - this shocked me as when I was around he barely did anything with them! I feel like he was too depressed when I was at home to play, but then when I was away he felt better and played with them! I didn't let him take them out on his own as I felt he wouldn't manage as it's hard work, but there was the odd occasion he took just Katie, or had them both at home if I went to doctors etc. I feel I robbed him of parenting by taking over and doing it all, like I took them away from him while he was still there. Although logically he could have played whenever he wanted!

I wonder how planned it was - he'd been selling his tools (his pride and joy) but said it was to buy new ones (possible). We'd only just come back from holiday, he'd been moaning about his tan lines!

But at the same time squirreling money away, etc... why not just leave? Why beg for me back in February, why come back in April, if he was so unhappy why not just leave? Was it just so he could still see the kids, in which case why kill himself?

I'm sorry this is so long, it's good to get it all out, I just don't understand why he did it, or how he could do it, knowing what he would leave behind. It scares me that I'll feel this way forever, that for our whole lives me and the girls will miss him, at milestones, at their weddings and every day in between. I feel guilty, like maybe he's right and it's my fault, like I took my girls' dad away.

I hope someone replies.
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I've just lost my wife through cancer don't blame your self from what uve said he sounded the one in the wrong not u

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Hi, I just read your post, I am so sorry you have to been through all these time finishing with a tragic ending.

Indeed, sometimes things didn't go as we expect, since we get married we expect to have a partner for the better and mostly for the worst, but we never expect our partner is the one who bring the worst into our lives. Love is a magnificent source of power and energy, but love can't not change people, we change only if we want to.

We need to understand that life is not a garden of flowers and a beautiful landscape, life is a journey, we need to go through several paths, some of them are beautiful, others not, and that's is why we need to accept that bad things happens, and happens to all of us. My boyfriend who died two months ago, he was a kind and sweet man, not only with me, but with everyone, his heart was generous and he was always happy and filled with good energy, and he died, there were no angels or god who could took care of him when he was in danger, something tragic happened to him and to me and his family.

You were and still are strong, and took care of him, you showed him you cared and that is a beautiful thing. Did he love you? The answer is within you, in your heart, you were the only one close enough next to him to know the answer to that question.

Depression is a terrible mental condition, it takes out the worst in us, make us do terrible things. I have a lovely family, they care so much, and still I've been through suicidal thoughts, because I am depressed. I can assure you he cared, and he loved you, but within depression, darkness blind us to the good things in world, his drinking was an "escape" for this reality, maybe he felt frustrated, hopeless and helpless. As I told you, depression make us do horrible things, maybe that's why he lied and blamed you, but you need to know this is not your fault, you showed him you care, you told him he have a family, two beautiful daughters who made life worth living it. He can't blame you and you can't blame yourself, he made a terrible choice, and with that choice he brought so much pain to you and your daughters, you are not guilty, you are the victim.

I am glad to hear you are looking for professional help, we all need support and a "guide" when we are going through a terrible time.

For what you wrote is clear he has and special place in your heart, you loved him and you choose him to be your partner and the father of your children.

Don't blame yourself, it wasn't yourself. If he made a decision you couldn't make nothing to stop it. There are always multiple choices, and he made his choice -a terrible choice- but he was the one who made that choice, he can't blame you, you can't blame yourself

I hope you and your daughters find hope and consolation, remember the good things, remember what is worth it.

 

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Davesdon

I am so very sorry for your loss and happy you were able to release all that was tormenting you.  Wow, you sound like a person willing to give him chance after chance after chance and there's nothing wrong with that; you wanted to save your marriage and family.   However, eventually there comes a time, when you MUST as a mother and protector do whatever it takes to defend yourself and your girls; and from your post, you did just that.  Sometimes we as humans have dark sides and dark issues in our lives and after a while, we begin to love our problems or deny we have any.   When we struggle for so long, we don't remember life without them; we don't want to remember; it not our fault - it's always someone else's fault.  Your husband seemed to have had many demons that he was just unable to deal with and without those demons, he didn't know who he really was.  It is unfortunate he was not strong to face his demons or confine in someone who could have helped him with them.   Broken people who refuse to seek help will try to break you; they can't help it; it's what they think they must do to feel better about themselves.

But what you MUST NOT do is blame yourself for his issues.  I don't want to sound too insensitive, but you don't ever have to feel guilty for protecting your children, his children from toxic people in your life. It doesn't matter whether that someone is a relative, friend, acquaintance or father - you don't have to make room for anyone who causes you pain, or makes you feel small.  It's one thing if a person own up to their behavior and makes an effort to change.  But if that person disregards your feelings, ignores your boundaries and continues to treat you and the children in a harmful way, then they had to go and as hard a decision it was for you to make, I commend you for it.  If it was important enough to him to want to change, he would have found a way, instead of finding excuses.

I don't think we should blame anyone or anything for our situations or problems and it was unfortunate your husband sought to blame you.  When we do, we are saying that we are powerless over our own lives and when addiction comes into the picture, we sometime are. Alcoholism is probably the easiest substance to abuse because the potential is there - it's legal and available.  It is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don't have a disease and it is the perfect fit for dissolving marriages and families.  What we as a society must do is not hate the addict, but hate the disease; not hate the person, hate the behavior; it's hard to watch it, imagine how hard it is to live it.  

Forgive your husband not because he deserves forgiveness, but because you deserve peace.  Take care of yourself and the girls; they need you more than ever now.  Know that you are in my prayers and I ask God to give Hope and Strength in this journey; Hope that it will get better and Strength to hold on until it does.
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I am so sorry for your loss and for all you went through before and after.  I'm very glad you're getting counseling, you will need it after years of this, it had to be hard.  Sometimes people can love each other but not be in a good place to show it.  He had serious problems that you couldn't control.  Please take good care of yourself and your kids.  None of you deserved this.  When people commit suicide it's because they're unhappy with themselves, they have issues and need more help than family can provide.  I had a friend that commit suicide, he was seeing a therapist, his family loved him and tried so hard, but he was depressed and unhappy.  It's sad but no one's fault, not even his own.  I hope your kids are getting counseling too.  I wish for you some peace in your life.

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davesdon, I don't even know what words to express in response to you, except I am deeply sorry. A horrendous life story with a tragic ending and my heart goes out to you and your children. I hope that all of you can get into family grief counseling. Children internally absorb all they see and hear. All of this has to have had some impact on them and they need some kind of professional help now, before it has a chance to fester and grow into something much larger as they grow up.

I wish I had more to say, but your story reminds me of some similarities I went through in my first early marriage. Alcohol wasn't an issue, but the kid's dad had mental health issues which he refused to get help for. He verbally abused us, which escalated into physical abuse. I took myself and the kids out of that situation. The kids all had their counseling, in which I am grateful I made the right choices back then. My situation didn't end with death, but it very easily could have ended up with mine, at the kid's dad's hand. My kids would have ended up with no parents.

Again, I am truly sorry for everything you and your family had to endure, still enduring, with the loss of your husband and the children's father.

Sending you prayers of love, comfort and eventual peace.

 

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Yeah, it reminds me of my first marriage too...mine was a monster I finally got out of to save my life (he threatened to kill me).  He never commit suicide although he attempted to once as a ploy to try to get what he wanted.  It was a tumultuous and difficult relationship, no matter how hard I tried, it wasn't "enough".

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KayC, We endured much early in life, but we were blessed in finding our soulmate, which more than made up for those bad times.:wub:

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3 hours ago, KayC said:

.mine was a monster I finally got out of to save my life (he threatened to kill me).

Wow!  That must have been very difficult; I'm happy you found your George who appears to have been a wonderful person.  Me, I was lucky to have found Charles - we were married young and truly built our lives and love together; for that I truly am grateful.

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21 hours ago, KMB said:

KayC, We endured much early in life, but we were blessed in finding our soulmate, which more than made up for those bad times.:wub:

Yes, I feel everything before meeting George was leading up to that point.  The bad experiences before meeting him only made me appreciate HIM all the more!  

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