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chasnrosa

my husband passed away monday morning

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My husband was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in February. He was in constant pain. For the last few months on hospice he was feeling better. Sunday came and he couldn't walk and went to the bathroom on himself. I called hospice and they put him into hospice so they could take care of him.  Monday morning, 6:50, he was gone. I can't stop crying. I can't concentrate. I have so much to do and no job right now. I have 4 dogs and 3 cats and a 17 year old daughter to take care of. We were together for almost 10 years. He did everything to make sure my daughter and I were happy.  What if this pain never stops?  I can't do this if it doesn't. I'm so empty. My heart is broken. I have a wonderful support system and I just can't do this. Please someone help me. I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm empty, I hate myself and life. I hate what I am because of this. Its just too much.  Someone please tell me What to do. I feel like I am going insane.  I have no control. I know his death was expected but my God it hurts so bad.  Just please help me. 

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1 hour ago, chasnrosa said:

Someone please tell me What to do.

Chasnrosa, The first and best piece of advice I ever received was to "just get out of bed".

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Chasnrosa,

I am so very sorry about the loss of your husband. You begin by just breathing, and getting through a little at a time. Cry, vent, eat, sleep, whatever you need to do. The soul-ripping anguish you are feeling will fade in time. You will be able to keep going. For now, surround yourself with people who will support you. Take care of yourself. Talk about your feelings. 

We will be here with you,

ModKonnie

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I have been out of bed. I try and sleep only at night. I thought that I would not be able to sleep but thankfully I can. I was so angry five minutes ago and now I'm back to crying. I feel like I will never be whole again. I can't live my life with this feeling. There's no hope. I have a 17 year old I have to live for and our animals but I can't even function for them. I haven't eaten since he died because I feel like I will be sick. I'm so hopeless. I'm trying so hard. It hurts so bad. 

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Jamiesc   

I'm going through the same my wife passed away with cancer 2 month ago I've just had to drag my self through it for my young children it's hard

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It's ridiculous. The pain is just so raw.  And I am very thankful that I have my family to help me. I know it could be so much worse. But, my God, the pain. And the uncertainty. I'm just so screwed. 

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Ka9219   

Chasnrosa I am so sorry for your lost, I can't imagine the pain and the struggle of seeing your love one being consumed by cancer, it must be devastating.

What to do? There is not right or wrong thing to do while grieving, we all grieve different, some people need to get busy, go back to work as fast as they can, and distract their mind in order of not thinking about, other need to take some time away from job, staying on bed, cry and think about it constantly. It all depends what make us feel better. When my boyfriend passed away I knew I needed some time away, I couldn't think in job or responsibilities, and my parents agreed to helped me to process.

Cry as much as you need, punch a pillow, scream if you need to... Pain is overwhelming, losing our partner is devastating, it takes so much of us.

I understand the feeling of "being screwed", yes... life is now upside down, we don't know where to go or what to think, we don't know what is our purpose anymore.

Expected or not, death is beyond comprehension, the pain takes ud down.

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Ka9219   
2 hours ago, Jamiesc said:

I'm going through the same my wife passed away with cancer 2 month ago I've just had to drag my self through it for my young children it's hard

Hi Jamiesc, would you like to start a new topic and tell us about you? I am sorry for your lost, the pain is overwhelming and we can't do nothing to help it.

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Eagle-96   

I am so sorry for your loss. The pain you feel right now is raw and can seem overwhelming. Half of your being has been ripped from you in an instant so everything you are feeling is normal and to be expected. The emotions will tend to come like waves. You don't know when or how big the waves will come. The emotions can be singular or many all at once. I try not to avoid the emotions if I can because they will find you whether you want them to or not. I just try to ride them out until they dissipate. You may feel anger, sadness, despair, regret, denial, fear, etc... I am four months in and the fog I was in during the first few weeks has lifted somewhat(I have a hard time remembering anything that happened in the month of April). This fog is your body's defense mechanisms kicking in to shield you from the intense pain. I wasn't hungry for a month and I lost 10-15 pounds(not on purpose). People noticed my weight and friends and family forced me to eat and I was thankful for it. In my mind I knew I should eat but I just had no desire or hunger to do so. Please do not let eating well slide as you will need all the strength you can muster. I am praying for you and wish you comfort as you walk this path. Just know that we will walk it with you.

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KayC   
20 hours ago, chasnrosa said:

My husband was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in February. He was in constant pain. For the last few months on hospice he was feeling better. Sunday came and he couldn't walk and went to the bathroom on himself. I called hospice and they put him into hospice so they could take care of him.  Monday morning, 6:50, he was gone. I can't stop crying. I can't concentrate. I have so much to do and no job right now. I have 4 dogs and 3 cats and a 17 year old daughter to take care of. We were together for almost 10 years. He did everything to make sure my daughter and I were happy.  What if this pain never stops?  I can't do this if it doesn't. I'm so empty. My heart is broken. I have a wonderful support system and I just can't do this. Please someone help me. I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm empty, I hate myself and life. I hate what I am because of this. Its just too much.  Someone please tell me What to do. I feel like I am going insane.  I have no control. I know his death was expected but my God it hurts so bad.  Just please help me. 

My dear, I am so sorry for your loss, we will help you.  The intense pain you are feeling right now will not last, it will become more manageable, it eventually settles into a more calm grief that we carry inside of us, but it does take much time to process the grief, it's like brain trauma, it is hard hitting and affects every aspect of our lives, but eventually we adjust to the unthinkable and learn to continue in our now altered lives.  It has been 12 years for me, and in the beginning I felt as you, I didn't see how I could live one week without him, let alone the rest of my life.  Within months I lost my job, it was the beginning of the recession, I was in my 50s and it seemed no one wanted to hire me anymore...but I did get a job, and I haven't missed a meal yet.

Today, right now it is enough just to remember to breathe.  Try not to think about the rest of your life, it is too much, only take on today, that is more than enough.  One day at a time, that is how I do it, even still.  You are undoubtedly still in shock, it's too much to take in, that is the way our body protects us and little by little it seeps in, but like Sean said, we have grief fog, that can last quite a while.  Focusing is hard.  Accept help from wherever you can get it.  I hope you have someone with you following you around with food and water, it's easy to forget to eat.  I lost weight at first and then I did the mindless eating.  Grief affects us physically so it's good to see your doctor too and tell him about any problems you might notice, whether it's lack of sleep or anxiety or whatever you experience.  

It's good to cry, it can be releasing, but don't worry about whether you do or don't, everyone is a little different.  Pretty much any and every emotion you can imagine is normal in grief, even conflicting ones at the same time.  Taking walks is good, it relieves stress and helps us feel better.

In the early days we're busy, planning the service, tending to details when we can hardly even think.  Once that slows down you might want to consider seeing a grief counselor, you can contact hospice for information/referral.  You will want to contact the social security office, you should get some financial help for you and your daughter.  Food stamps, Obamacare, anything that might be of help.  

Please continue to come here, we'll help you through this.  It helps to be able to express your feelings to those who get it.  

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Francine   
On 8/16/2017 at 1:02 PM, chasnrosa said:

I can't stop crying. I can't concentrate. I have so much to do and no job right now. I have 4 dogs and 3 cats and a 17 year old daughter to take care of. We were together for almost 10 years. He did everything to make sure my daughter and I were happy.  What if this pain never stops?  I can't do this if it doesn't. I'm so empty. My heart is broken. I have a wonderful support system and I just can't do this. Please someone help me. I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm empty, I hate myself and life. I hate what I am because of this. Its just too much.  Someone please tell me What to do. I feel like I am going insane.  I have no control. I know his death was expected but my God it hurts so bad.  Just please help me. 

I am so sorry for your loss and really can relate to what you are experiencing.  It's crazy to think that someone who had such a huge part of your life can be gone in a second.  And the crazy thing about a devastating loss is that life actually goes on while your life ceased to exist.  When you're face with a tragedy, a loss so huge that you have no idea how you can live through it, somehow, the world keeps turning, the seconds keep ticking.   It is apparent how much you loved your husband and what people need to understand is that no amount of time is going to change what you feel; your loss will be your loss forever.  Grieving him will never stop. Yes, in time, you may not express your feelings outwardly as much but you will still continue to grieve him. 

You are still so early in your grief and like you, I too was angry, sad, bitter, and the pain was just unbearable.  I didn't want to live without my Charles and didn't think I'd could. I lost touch with my soul and it seemed I had no where to turn or go.  I thought I'd never make it through because I had not hope to hold on to.  I felt so lonely I even had suicidal thoughts, I literally thought I would break down completely.   But through prayer, faith and God, I found strength I didn't know I had;  but I'm not completely there yet, but I'm so much better than what I was.

You have a strength inside of you that is more powerful than you'll ever know.   I thought I'd never find my way or lift this very heavy weight but little by little, I am and so will you.  It won't be easy; as a matter of fact, it's going to be hell, but you're going through hell right now; just don't stay there.  Sometimes it just too much and we want to quit, give up, throw the towel in  -  No.... You're going to do whatever you must in order to get through this; you are going to show your daughter, who you might not think is listening to a single word you are saying, who is actually still learning from you as she watches you to see how you deal with difficulty situations. No matter what, you both need each other more than ever now.

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Francine,

You always know what to say to make people feel better.  Thank you. You are a huge comfort.  

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KMB   

chasnrosa, I am deeply sorry. I don't know what to say, because we know that words are inadequate when it comes to pain. The heart wants what it wants, to be with our soul mates. That is not going to change for the majority of us, the rest of our life. We take it moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day. We learn to coexist with the grieving and the yearning to be reunited. Baby step by baby step, we learn what works for each of us in coping, functioning, trying to get through each day.

You are in good company here. We listen and truly "get it" and we will be here for you.  (HUGS)

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KMB   
On 8/16/2017 at 3:44 PM, Jamiesc said:

I'm going through the same my wife passed away with cancer 2 month ago I've just had to drag my self through it for my young children it's hard

It is hard, extremely difficult, even more so I imagine, with children who are now totally dependent on you. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I am deeply sorry for your loss. Cancer is a vicious robber of life and I am sorry it took your wife and the mother of your children. Life rarely makes sense sometimes and can be mean and cruel. 

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Words are inadequate. But knowing someone else feels the same helps. This is a really weird question, but does anyone find themselves holding their breath?  I find myself thinking about him and holding my breath and I have to remind myself to breathe. Or maybe I'm just weird. 

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KayC   

In the beginning we do have to remind ourselves to breathe.  This is a really hard hitting thing, I equate it to brain trauma, I know of nothing else to compare it to.

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KMB   
14 hours ago, chasnrosa said:

Words are inadequate. But knowing someone else feels the same helps. This is a really weird question, but does anyone find themselves holding their breath?  I find myself thinking about him and holding my breath and I have to remind myself to breathe. Or maybe I'm just weird. 

I did a lot of that myself in the beginning. Even breathing is hard to do and exhausts us. In the following months, I found myself feeling anxious, very restless. Like I was waiting for something, but didn't know what. For me, I feel it was part of the denial. I kept expecting my husband to walk in the door, just like normal. It has been a year for me, and I still pace the rooms, go outside and look for him. I cry and find myself asking"where are you"? Our emotions, thoughts, are so complex and hard to deal with. One minute we can feel one thing and the next minute something else. This unwanted road we are on now is very long, up hill and down into valleys. Full of huge boulders, pot holes and deep pits. Every day is different in the navigation of grieving.

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Francine   
17 hours ago, chasnrosa said:

Francine,

You always know what to say to make people feel better.  Thank you. You are a huge comfort.  

Know that you are in my prayers and that life can hold very painful moments that will definitely change you.  The key is to let these moments make you stronger, smarter and wiser but don't become someone you are not.  I sometimes think of people as an ocean or a puddle.  People walk through puddles like they're nothing; Oceans are really deep and deep within them, are rare, exotic treasures.  My life with my Charles was like the ocean; at times it was calm and still and other times, it was rough and rigid; but in the end, it was always loving and beautiful.  Stay Strong.

 

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