lost without my best friend

[meghan271]

I'm new and I've never done anything like this before but I don't know what else to do. I lost my fiance two weeks ago. It was sudden and wrenched the heart right out of my chest. We were both only 34. We were about to start saving for a house. We were planning our honeymoon. We talked about the children we would have. That was all taken from me when he was taken from me. I feel like I have nothing. It took me all my life to find him and now he's gone.  I've moved back into my parent's house for the time being. I have absolutely no will to live. The thought of having to live 50 some odd years on this earth without him feels so overwhelming. Some moments I can't stand being in my own skin. Everytime I see a bad car accident or something I can't help but wish it was me. I wish I could take someone's place that has some terminal disease that wants to live because I don't. I went to a grief counselor but it doesn't seem like it's going to help me. has anyone ever felt this way, or have lost their spouse so young?  I don't know what to do. 

Meghan

[Ka9219]

Hi Meghan

Yes, I've felt what you are feeling, I am still feeling it, my boyfriend passed away 2 months ago and as you, I had dreamed all my life next to him: house, traveling, kids, cars, everything, we loved each other and since the day we met, we know we were meant to be together. Sudden deaths are such a terrible tragedy, we pray and beg to be taking with them, I've feel the same way, my willing of living died when Mario -my boyfriend- died, there is not much left for me in here. I cry and I am depressed.

I am so sorry for your lost, try to take one day at a time, thinking about future is not good for us. Is good you have support from your parents, we need so much love and support when we are grieving. I wish I could say something to bring you some relieve, but bad things happens, and something beyond bad happened to you. Desperation, anger, frustration, sadness, numbness, all this feelings, are part of grieving. Try to find what feels good for you, go easy on yourself and be patient, grieve is a long process and we need to take care of ourselves to honor our love one memory.

We are here for you

[meghan271]

Thank you. I'm very sorry for your loss as well.  It's truly a horrible experience. I am reading things that say we plan out our lives before we are born. I don't know what I believe, but I can't believe I would choose a life of such pain.  Today are the services. It's going to be extremely hard to see all of his accomplishments and pictures and know that's all there will ever be. None of our plans are real anymore. It's like I woke up from a wonderful dream and realized none of it was ever real. Except it was. At least I will get to be with his family today. I love them too.

[Eagle-96]

Meghan271,

I am sorry for the loss of your fiance. I lost my wife Lori to a heart attack. She was only 46. We had our whole lives in front of us. I too shutter to think of 30-40 years without her. I imagine a doctor letting me know I have a terminal illness with only weeks or months to live and my reaction being, "so what". I heard a noise in the house the other evening. Even the dog was freaked out and started barking. In the past I would be worried about a break-in. This time I had no fear. I was indifferent to any danger involved and actually went through the house looking for a fight. Quite a change for me. 

I will be praying for you as you go through the service today. I won't lie to you and say it will be easy because it won't be. The emotions will be there so don't worry about what others think about your emotions. Cry, weep, smile,(it IS ok to smile when someone brings up a happy memory). Do what you need to be able to get through this day. But know that we will all be with you there in spirit today.

[meghan271]

Thank you for your reply. Yes that is very much how I feel.  I'm sorry you are going through this too.  I talk to my Sean still and I told him how hard today was going to be. When I walked outside with the dog this morning, immediately a small perfect white feather floated down to me. I think he was telling me I can do it, and he'll be there with me. 

[KayC]

Meghan,

I am so sorry you lost your husband so young, it's very unfair.  I've never heard that we plan our lives before we're born but that's not a belief I ascribe to or understand.  I sure wouldn't have planned my life the way it's gone.  Whether we're young or whether we're old, we feel our loss keenly, regardless of how long we got with them, to us it is the greatest loss in the world and it's affect is far reaching.  I'm glad you have your parents.  My daughter is 35, my son is 33, it's hard to comprehend them going through this, but my daughter was with her husband 17 years and lost her baby and then he left, it's very hard watching her pain and having to deal with so much at once.  I told her I felt her loss was even harder than mine because I can hang on to my good memories and know my husband loved me but she struggles with the pain and rejection of his deliberately leaving her, not accidentally.  It's hard knowing she has to find her way through her grief because I have had so much grief in life I wouldn't wish it on anyone, especially my daughter or someone so young.  

I pray you have strength through the service and find comfort in all who paid tribute to him.  It was a comfort to me to see so many come out for my husband's service.  It was a very special time I will never forget, we had an open mike session people could say something about him, I loved their sharing.

I am glad you found this place.  It really helps to be able to share here, we want to be here for you in the upcoming days, and hope it is of help to you.  (((hugs)))

[Ka9219]

On 16/8/2017 at 7:17 AM, meghan271 said:

Thank you. I'm very sorry for your loss as well.  It's truly a horrible experience. I am reading things that say we plan out our lives before we are born. I don't know what I believe, but I can't believe I would choose a life of such pain.  Today are the services. It's going to be extremely hard to see all of his accomplishments and pictures and know that's all there will ever be. None of our plans are real anymore. It's like I woke up from a wonderful dream and realized none of it was ever real. Except it was. At least I will get to be with his family today. I love them too.

It all depends of our faith and believes, some people say that our souls agreed to have "this path" in order to learn something, and yes it seems unbelievable that we can accept this terrible fate, but there also theories that assure us that we can't control what is happening or what is going to happen, and our future and live is constantly changing. Both are equally heartbreaking, because if this meant to happen why do we agreed? and if bad things happens. why couldn't we protect our love one from suffering a sudden death? 

Are the "services" the same as funeral? Yes, for me the funeral was the most chocking part of Mario's death, I am terrified of coffins and I couldn't believe the man I love, was inside that horrible thing. Is overwhelming the people, the sorrow and the crying.

I love Mario's family as well, his mother have been a great source of support, she has been nice with me and gave me my place.

Yes, I see it as we are living something worst than a nightmare, because this is reality and there is no way I can "woke up" and so the sorrow and pain would stop.

[meghan271]

Yes the services were his funeral. He was cremated so there was no casket. They had pictures, paintings he made, his surf board and basketball jacket. I met friends I've heard him talk about from high school and college. His parents introduced me to everyone saying we were going to be married. It was nice but also made me cry each time I met someone or got a hug. I should have been meeting these people at our wedding, not like this. Yes I don't know what theories to believe in. I look into them to try and feel better and think he is somewhere happy and at peace and everything is as it should be. I want that for him... But what about me? I still wish something would just happen to me and take me away from this life and bring me to him.  That would be the path I would choose if I had a choice. 

[KMB]

57 minutes ago, meghan271 said:

That would be the path I would choose if I had a choice. 

For the majority of us, I feel that is a choice we would definitely take. I am deeply sorry for your loss. I know the pain, emptiness, despair, all the emotions you will be going through.

Your beloved is at peace. He is in a place filled with love. Depending on your belief system, I feel our loved ones are still with us, just in spiritual form, bringing us comfort and always loving and guiding us on this new, unwanted journey.   (HUGS)

[Eagle-96]

11 hours ago, meghan271 said:

But what about me? I still wish something would just happen to me and take me away from this life and bring me to him.  That would be the path I would choose if I had a choice. 

I think at some point we all feel that way. I know there are times when I would just as soon die and go be with Lori. I am not suicidal by any means but I wouldn't be too disappointed with a terminal diagnosis. I remember an interview that former Vice President Joe Biden gave where he was reflecting on losing his first wife and child in a car accident. He said, "I would never commit suicide, but I understand how someone could consciously decide to commit suicide". Those feelings are normal. We want nothing more than to be with our soulmate. We soldier on though. I feel that our soulmates wouldn't want that to be our legacy.

[KayC]

14 hours ago, meghan271 said:

But what about me? I still wish something would just happen to me and take me away from this life and bring me to him.  That would be the path I would choose if I had a choice. 

Yes, we all wish that.  But it reminds me, this morning when I was reading my Bible I ran across this:
"For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain.  For I am hard-pressed between the two, having a desire to depart and be with Christ, which is far better, nevertheless to remain in the flesh is more needful for you." Philippians 1:21,23-24  
I think most of us could insert our loved one's name in addition to Christ as we so look forward to going to be with them again.  Paul is writing to the people of Philippi here and stating he realizes his need to stay here for them.  Perhaps all of us have a purpose here and it's up to us to discover that purpose to occupy us in the interim.  Most of my purpose is being here for all of you...I am plain, ordinary, going through nothing out of the ordinary, but having experienced what you all are going through, I hope to lend a perspective that I hope is of help to you.  I honestly can't think of much else purpose.  I do my church's Treasury job, but quite honestly they could hire any bookkeeper to do the same.  I try to make a difference in the lives of the people I come into contact with, but not sure if I do.  Most of what we do doesn't seem to give feedback to indicate to us if we are doing well at our purpose.  But nonetheless, we continue in it all the same.

I think about "It's a Wonderful Life", one of the most poignant Christmas movies...it shows what a difference that George's life made to those he was around, even though he'd been little aware of it.  I think that's one of the things we proceed on faith...none of us being privy of attempted suicide and then someone to show us what life would be like without us in it.  Still we have to know, we make a difference even while we are unaware of it.

[KMB]

Very well said, Kay! Yes, you have a purpose here, for being here for us and keeping us going, keeping us up lifted, encouraged, with sharing your own grieving and the wisdom you have gained through your own trials of adapting. You have been and always will be an inspiration to all on here. You are making a difference, a positive one, for the good of all. God watches and guides you along and you know that George is walking alongside of you. I'm sure that those in your immediate environment feel the same as does your family.

It is all good, Kay. You are a shining example of how everyone on this planet should be. Giving unconditionally to each other. Your reward will be that long awaited reunion with God and George.

[Ka9219]

19 hours ago, meghan271 said:

Yes the services were his funeral. He was cremated so there was no casket. They had pictures, paintings he made, his surf board and basketball jacket. I met friends I've heard him talk about from high school and college. His parents introduced me to everyone saying we were going to be married. It was nice but also made me cry each time I met someone or got a hug. I should have been meeting these people at our wedding, not like this. Yes I don't know what theories to believe in. I look into them to try and feel better and think he is somewhere happy and at peace and everything is as it should be. I want that for him... But what about me? I still wish something would just happen to me and take me away from this life and bring me to him.  That would be the path I would choose if I had a choice. 

Mario was cremated after the funeral, so I had to see him inside that horrible thing.

I am glad his parents gave you your place as his official partner, mi parents in law were to shocked so they sat down and cried most of the time.

I have the same thought, I should be meeting them in a white dress holding Mario's hand, not on his funeral, life is cruel and unfair.

Despite my believes, I know Mario is in a good place, I don't know how to call it: heaven or paradise, I don't know, truth is, he is an a good place, because I feel it. When he used to be sad or upset I felt it in my chest, so did he, we were somehow "connected", and now I feel he's in peace, a joyful feeling. I know you feel the same

What about us? What I could say.... I don't know, I'd like to give a good answer, a word of peace or relieve. But I feel forsaken, I feel like I was meant to die, but they forgot about me and now I am moving from here to there trying to figure out how am I living if half of me is dead. I would choose the same as you, is not about dying or suicide, is just the deep desire in our hearts to be reunited with our love one

[meghan271]

4 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

 When he used to be sad or upset I felt it in my chest, so did he, we were somehow "connected", and now I feel he's in peace, a joyful feeling. I know you feel the same

What about us? What I could say.... I don't know, I'd like to give a good answer, a word of peace or relieve. But I feel forsaken, I feel like I was meant to die, but they forgot about me and now I am moving from here to there trying to figure out how am I living if half of me is dead. I would choose the same as you, is not about dying or suicide, is just the deep desire in our hearts to be reunited with our love one

I think Sean and I were connected as well. We both knew instantly from the moment we laid eyes on each other that we never wanted to be without the other. We moved in together a month later. It was definitely love at first sight, more than that I believe.  I do know he is ok and he has sent me many signs.  But the connection we shared is what makes this even harder than normal. As you said, I literally feel like part of me has died. Like I am torn in two, with part of me forever lost.  I should be where he is no matter where that is. I have such anxiety all day everyday now. My stomach never stops being in knots. I don't know what to do or how to cope with these feelings. I even started seeing a counselor. It's nice to talk about him and have a safe place to cry, but so far it has not made the pain or anxiety any less.

[Ka9219]

Only time will make anxiety lesser, but pain will never go away, it's something we need to learn how to live with and some day, I don't know exactly when, but some day we will be able to handle the pain of losing them.

I regret I didn't move with him when I could, we were waiting "the right time". Yes, this connections that in life bring us so many joy and happiness, are the same that breaks us every day knowing they are gone. Stomachache, headache, I am always feeling a sort of pain in my arms and my chest, like if something was crawling beneath my skin and make me difficult to breath... 

Yes counselors and therapies are a good relieve, but it doesn't make it any easier, nothing make this easier....

[KayC]

That connection does not die when their body gives out, I feel it still.  It's not something I can explain, I know he can't answer me audibly, but it continues on faith...in him, in our relationship, same as we always had.

The pain does change...from that intense sharp pain, to something softer, easier to carry, quieter, a kind of a sadness that coexists with the rest of our life.  We are aware of our grief even while going about our lives, it doesn't go away, we can't put it down, but we can smile, we can feel a momentary happiness, all the while carrying our grief.

[meghan271]

KayC

I hope you are right about the sharpness going away. I don't know how to handle it. I snap at my parent's constantly. I don't mean to but seeing everyone going on with their normal life feels like a stab in the back almost. Like no one cares about him or me or that our life is over. They just watch tv and talk about ordering food and go in the pool. All the while I just want to scream.  I've never had to deal with anything so hard. I loved Sean and I know he loved me. But I also have to deal with the fact that we both made choices that lead to this. He had depression and was an alcoholic. I tried to get him help. He went through multiple addiction programs but would never address his depression. He chose to drink. I chose to make him leave the house the night before. If either of us had made different decisions that day, he would still be here with me. His last day on this earth, he was alone and sad. I obviously had no idea this would or could happen, but how can I ever get over the fact that I abandoned him when he needed me most. I loved him more than anything in this world. He called me his Angel, and I failed him.

[KayC]

It does, although I can't say when, we're all different, we cope different, progress different, had unique relationships, but the common trend is that the intensity does eventually lessen, the tears become less frequent, the triggers eventually no longer have their hold, but we are left with missing them.  I continue thinking about him every day, I talk to him in my mind, if not aloud, every day.  I guess it's good that the powers that be can't see into me, they'd probably haul me off!  But seriously, this is something most of us do.

I don't see you as someone that abandoned him.  We all make choices in our own interest, we have to, but you aren't responsible for him or his choices, he was.  You are only responsible for you and I hope you will proceed by taking care of yourself and doing what you can to help yourself have a good and productive life...it won't happen overnight, but it can happen, just don't rule it out.