Grief and guilt

[ricolean]

         I lost my dad less than 2 months ago (June 30, 2017) at the age of 85. I also lost my mom 19 years ago and I could say that I've already fully accepted her passing. For my mom, the grief was not so devastating because she had been ill for many years and was bedridden for 2 years. Apart from it, i was comforted by the presence of my dad whom I consider as my favorite. Since childhood, losing my dad is my greatest fear. I don't want that to happen ever in my life even though death is a fact of life. I'm their only child.

   I'm married and have 2 daughters ages 12 and 11. Starting my own family had changed my priorities. Two years after marriage, i lived separatedly from my dad and built a separate house around 30 kilometers apart. I left him at our ancestral home with his 6 year old son whom he sired 2 years after my mom's death. I go visit him around  2 times a month. I was then too preoccupied with raising my little girls. At times, it would be my dad who would visit us at our place. He was around 75 years old at that time. Things seemed normal at that time. He had accepted my decision to live apart, knowing that his habbit of smoking is hazardous to my children but its just that he can't do away with it.

    Even if i lived separately, i provide for his support considering that his pension is too minimal to afford a comfortable life. In 2007, he had a heart attack. From then on, i never failed to provide for his medicines and vitamins. However, despite the medications, he still smoke. At times he would complain about difficulty in breathing, i would tell him that "if only you would lessen your smoking, you wont feel that way". I didn't consider bringing him to the doctor for check-up because it just got me frustrated when he dont follow doctors advice. Besides, im also having financial issues and thinking that with the doctors additional prescription, my finances would worsen to the detriment of my family.

     Supporting him financially with his needs, providing for his medication, vitamins and some stuff, plus a weekly visit since the past year made me believe that I am doing my best for him. That despite financial constrains, i still was able to provide for those. He has been hospitalized last March and up to now Im still paying the bank for the expenses for the hospitalization. He was prescribed with a lot more medicines and I provided it completely, but admittedly i choose the cheaper brands.

     Last June 26, when i visited him, he said that he is having a hard time breathing and dying anytime. I didn't took it seriously because i could see him still able to eat and still with his usual appetite. I also brought him nebulizer to help ease his breathing.  I had been too busy after that visit that i was not able to look after him personally. I just monitored his condition over the phone through the maid. During those times, i was too much confused on what to do. I feared of bringing him to the hospital because i anticipated that he could be confined at the ICU and that i'm not financially capable of it. I also worried for my children that in case i become financially distressed, they will be primarily affected. Honestly, i felt too burdened by the circumstances.

     When I was imformed about my dad's death, initially the thought that came my mind is relief. Relief that my dad will no longer suffer and relief that i need not worry about gim anymore because God has already lifted my burden. I then thought that recovering wont be hard.

     I was wrong. Everyday when I wake up, im confronted with the reality that I cant be with him anymore. I felt so guilty that i only visit him once a week, that i did not bring him back to the doctor when he complained of his breathing. Mostly, i regret ao much the fact that when he told me that he could die anytime, i did not sit with him, told him that i love him so much and apologize for the things i was not able to do for him. After his death, it was then that i realize that I did not do my best because there's a lot more things I could have done for him when he was still alive. Honestly, i hate myself everytime i think of this.

      Thank you for reading this long post. I just cannot shorten it with the pouring of my emotions.

[Flory]

Hey Ricolean. I know how you feel, actually I think all of us know how you feel. Because when this happens, we all find things to feel guilty about. I guess it's in our nature to look for the bad, to see what we did wrong or if there was something that we could have done to change things. But, if we did things the other way around, now we would have wondered about the other things as well. The idea is that we wonder and we feel guilty irrespective of what we do. Because it's about choices. And I believe that you made the best choice for you at that time. And this is what you need to remind yourself and accept. Even though in your dictionary that was a mistake. 

I'm struggling with the same thoughts. But I tell myself that at that time, that is what I felt like doing, that is what I considered best considering the situation. And I try to accept my choices taking into account I also can't find out how it could have been the other way around. 

I hope with time, the acceptance will bring all of us peace of mind. Take care of yourself. 

[ricolean]

Thank you so much Flory. Your comment has lessened the weight of the burden pressed upon my heart. To be honest, i couldn't find enough support around me. I cry everyday more than once. As I try to help myself, I read articles from the internet. I found a suggestion to look for an online grief support group that is why I am here now. Thank you so much for your comment. I hope and pray that one day, we all wake up with the peace that we look for and deserve.Godbless!

[reader]

Dear ricolean,

My deepest condolences and sympathies. I'm very sorry for your pain and sorrow. It is an extremely difficult time.

I know how badly we all want to go back in time. I still do too and its been 10 months since my father passed.

Please know you are not alone. We are all here to listen.

Thinking of you. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

[ricolean]

Thank you so much for the reply. My deepest condolences too for the passing of your dad. It indeed a very difficult reality to accept. The pain is tremendous but it is quite hard to find people around me who can truly understand what i am going through. Im so thankful for finding this group. This is where i can find comfort with the thought that i am not alone in this journey. I have my family of my own but sometimes it is not healthy to show them how much pain i am experiencing. I go inside the bathroom just to have a good cry. With them seeing how miserable i feel, it gives them the feeling that they are not enough to make me move forward. I love my family but no one can fill in the place emptied by my dad. Even in facebook, sometimes i feel hesitant to express my thoughts for fear of being misunderstood. Only grieving persons understand those who grieve. Thank you so much for the concern. May peace and tranquility reign our lives again. Godbless!

[FigsNewton]

I feel like this too, I lost my Dad the month before you lost yours.  Its normal to feel guilty, but please know that everyone looks back and sees things they can change, it doesn't mean we didn't do them right the first time. 

If you did take your Dad to the hospital, they wouldn't have been able to save his life if he was so sick that he was about to die. Also, a lot of folks announce that they are going to die shortly before they do.  No one is sure why this is.  I don't know if that helps, but please try to think of the happy memories. You did your best with your dad, and that is what matters. 

[ricolean]

Thank you so much for the reply and for the positive thoughts. It's true, we had a lot of good memories together. When I was still single, we watch movie together and stroll at the mall. Things just change after I had my own family and priorities changed. I get used with the presence of my dad that he is just there anytime i would go to him. I knew he was not immortal but the thought slipped from my mind. Now that he is gone, it is my heart's desire to bring back the time but unfortunately that would not happen. I still feel so broken many times that the grieving emotions is at its peak. I sob and cry a lot. Just this day, i started a diary. I named it "Diary for Papa". I will write there everything i wanted to tell him everyday. I hope things will get better. Admittedly, i cry a lot while writing but I felt better afterwards. I pray that our healing will not take too long. Godbless!