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AJWCat

Sick with grief and guilt

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I wish she'd come to me in my dreams more often.  I miss her snuggling up to me, and her feminine wiles.  My son likes dogs rather than cats and even he liked her.

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On 10/14/2017 at 2:57 PM, KayC said:

This is my Miss Mocha, the picture doesn't do her justice, she was gorgeous with blue eyes and a black heart shaped nose.  She was so feminine and used to blink-blink and was very flirtatious with men, which they couldn't resist!

59e1fb98641a7_MissMocha.jpg.4483245c55fdde0a96aa4539e8265bd2.jpg

I dreamed last night that she came back and I asked her where she'd been.  I was so glad to have her back!

KayC she is truly georgeous....My Sissy had ears like that...

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On 10/14/2017 at 4:43 PM, AJWCat said:

Oh my gosh she is so adorable. I love her. How nice to have a dream about her. I dreamt about our guy last night too. It was very strange, he was curling up and I saw him and I realized somehow time had rewound and I could pet him. 2nd dream now. Both have been "distant" feeling. But I guess better than nothing. My husband and I are still so devastated he asked me if we'd ever be the same. We lost our "innocence" since this was so unexpected. He said he feels so weird being so upset still and I said, we are not alone, everyone on the forum is just like us. :( 

I feel this way too, like I've lost my innocence ,like I was in Eden before...and now...I am somebody else,  in a cold and dark place. Thank God for this forum ,that we're here for each other. The grief is so huge that it can drive you crazy if left unshared.

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20 hours ago, Maria9 said:

I feel this way too, like I've lost my innocence

Grief does this.  Before I lost my husband, the world was wonderful and I had no reason to expect that it would change.  I assumed one day would go on like the last.  And then it happened, and everything from then on was a "before" or an "after" that point.  When I hear of something that happened before June 19, 2005, I think, "That was 'before', when I had no reason to believe my life would shatter."  We no longer feel that safe security we once had.  We know life is one diagnosis away, one moment from changing.

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Yes KayC it's so true.... My life has been split in two. One part is the "before" and one part the "after"...Two entirely different worlds.

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Yep... before and after. Speaking of which, we are back in our "home" city today. Left the vacation rental behind happily. I really feel the place was cursed. In a period of 3 months, my husband and I were both in the ER twice for medical issues and we lost the cat. It was a disaster.   

Now we are renting a new apt. and staying just down the street where we left with our cat alive and well in July. :( 

I was going to bury his favorite mouse in the yard of that house and I couldn't do it. I couldn't leave one piece of him there. So his mouse came with us - hopefully his spirit followed.

Oh @KayC my heart aches for you too. 

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Oh AJWCat, this is all so sad, I feel your own pain too...Must be hard living at the same street......My cat was alive and well in July too. I am still in disbelief.

I'm sure your kitty's spirit is everywhere with you,  we are forever connected with our pets through this unbreakable  bond of love, I believe it.

I regret that I never bought my kitty a toy mouse, in all these six years . It's one of the little things I kept forgetting with everyday preoccupations. I mean, she was playing with paper balls and strings and the edges of carpets like my other cats do, but I think she would have loved a toy mouse...and now it's too late. My heart is heavy with regrets like this.

This is a new beginning for you. I know your loss is still raw and hurting, but maybe time and new surroundings will soothe it somehow. I wish this for you.

 

 

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AJW,

I am sure her spirit followed you.  It's not the place, it's YOU she was attached to.

Maria,

My cat chooses what she plays with, so even if not an official toy, she'll find things to interest her, like a paper bag or a box, really, anything.

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I know you are both right. Thank you as always. Maria, you loved your kitty! don't beat yourself up. Our cat slept on his toys 99% of the time, and played w/ them for about 5 minutes if I engaged him, lol.

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Thank you both for consoling me...Maybe self-doubt and regret are aspects of grief. I keep wondering, did I give my kitty a good life? Could I have done more for her while she was still living with me? Shouldn't I have given her more of my time and attention? .These questions are hard. Because the only thing that offers comfort in this loss is the knowledge that our pets had a very good life, full of love and care.

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It's so easy to ask those questions. If I do though, I can't help but think, oh I could have done more! And to top it all off our cat's last few months we were gone a lot and he had teeth cleaning, tail surgery. I can't even think about it, I get either mad about it or sad.

We both lived our lives and were busy but we gave them good homes. We loved them so much. We should focus on that. :wub: 

 

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These are questions we all ask when our loved ones are gone, including our pets.  We did the best we could, we loved them as much as possible and gave them of ourselves.

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AJWCat and KayC, thank you again for listening and for offering comforting answers.It means so much to me..

AJWCat, do not be hard on yourself, you always meant only good for your cat.

 

 

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I know. So... I have been looking at pictures of rescues online. We are moving into our new place in a few weeks and plan on adopting. A new cat has such big paws to fill. I see cats that look a little like him and I am drawn to them. I know I will come to love them on their own. i do miss our sweet kitty so so much still. Last night I pictured snuggling with him. :( 

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AJW,

I'm glad to hear you come to this decision because I know you have a lot of love to give.  You will always miss your cat, but like our kids, we can love more than one in their own ways.  Good luck to you and I hope you keep us posted!

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Thanks @KayC. Oh yes, my life must have a cat in it! (I love dogs too, but I just defer to cats.) I feel normal most days now. But there is still a hole. And that is okay. I don't need it to be filled, even with another animal. We will rescue another cat. But I never want to forget our "C" cat, there can never be another just like him. Just like he was very different than my other 2. 

I will miss him forever. I am okay with that. The only thing I struggle with is how un-peaceful his last couple hours were. It still breaks my heart. If I start thinking about it, I have to stop. It is still so painful. :( 

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I know, that's the hard part.  You won't ever forget him, don't worry about that.  The bad part about living to be my age is I miss so many animals that have passed through my care.  :(

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AJWCat   I am glad too that you're planning to adopt a new kitty. All this love you have to give has to go somewhere. Of course there will never be another one like your cat and I know, though I am newer to this, that the hole in our hearts will always be there. When bad memories come, try to think of all the love you had between you. I am so sorry. I know this pain is the price of the divine love we were privileged to experience in this life but it doesn't make it any easier.:(

KayC   you give me hope because I am afraid I will forget my kitty too,but at the same time I feel your sadness and my heart hurts for your losses..... I cannot imagine going through another loss like this, but I guess this goes together with having pets. One part of me wishes that I don't live many years more, so I don't have to live with all this pain .I know it is selfish, but I cannot help thinking this way.

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@Maria9 It is painful, I don't like to hear you say you don't want more years though. Like you said to me, you are such a good, loving person! 

And as for @KayC it is true, the longer you live the more loss you see. Sadly. I don't know if it matters to you, but you are such a voice of love and reason here on this forum I can only imagine the number of people you have helped, certainly I know myself and Maria know your kindness.  

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Just remember, it is not our grief that binds us to them, it is our love, and that continues still.  Our time here together may end but we will be with them again, it is not the end of the play.

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14 hours ago, AJWCat said:

I don't know if it matters to you, but you are such a voice of love and reason here on this forum I can only imagine the number of people you have helped, certainly I know myself and Maria know your kindness. 

It matters to me greatly...it lends purpose to all of the loss I have suffered and all I have learned through my grief journey.  I have lost pets all of my life, I would have to write down the names of all of the pets who have passed through my life to know the head count, each one dear to me, some especially so, and the dog I have now more than any before, perhaps because of his personality, perhaps because of where I am in life now, but I know I've loved them all.  Losing my husband changed me, all of my life is a before and after from that point.  But I can honestly say I've learned more in these 12 years since than all of the years combined beforehand.  It's especially important to know that life has meaning, but one thing I've learned is that it doesn't just "happen", we have to create it... THAT is the challenge.  To do so at a time when we are least feeling it...

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Great points. I am glad you have your dog too! I'm sure he has been such a good companion all these years. I imagine if I lose my husband it will radically change me as well. Just another thing I worry over but try to keep enjoying each day.

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On 10/26/2017 at 3:35 AM, AJWCat said:

@Maria9 It is painful, I don't like to hear you say you don't want more years though. Like you said to me, you are such a good, loving person! 

And as for @KayC it is true, the longer you live the more loss you see. Sadly. I don't know if it matters to you, but you are such a voice of love and reason here on this forum I can only imagine the number of people you have helped, certainly I know myself and Maria know your kindness.  

Thank you  AJWCat, you're always so supportive. This is maybe the darkest time ever in my life . You and KayC  have been holding my hand and helping me ease my mind and my heart from the start, even in the midst of your own pain. I could ask no more from a friend.

 

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23 hours ago, KayC said:

Just remember, it is not our grief that binds us to them, it is our love, and that continues still.  Our time here together may end but we will be with them again, it is not the end of the play.

It is our love indeed. And I know it never ends, but I haven't yet learned to live with this absence. I know I have to learn this to survive ,but it is so hard. Yet you have walked this road ahead of me and you show me that it can be done.

23 hours ago, KayC said:

It matters to me greatly...it lends purpose to all of the loss I have suffered and all I have learned through my grief journey.  I have lost pets all of my life, I would have to write down the names of all of the pets who have passed through my life to know the head count, each one dear to me, some especially so, and the dog I have now more than any before, perhaps because of his personality, perhaps because of where I am in life now, but I know I've loved them all.  Losing my husband changed me, all of my life is a before and after from that point.  But I can honestly say I've learned more in these 12 years since than all of the years combined beforehand.  It's especially important to know that life has meaning, but one thing I've learned is that it doesn't just "happen", we have to create it... THAT is the challenge.  To do so at a time when we are least feeling it...

KayC, AJWCat is right, I am sure your kindness and your wisdom are making a difference in this world and I have personal evidence of this. All your  journey through loss and grief enabled you help heal others and that's a really huge thing ,though I wish you didn't have to face all these losses . I cannot imagine losing my partner , but it would be like my life was cut in two, also. I am glad you have your doggie in your life.

These words are so true, we have to create meaning in our lives. It is one of the biggest challenges when all we want is to surrender to our grief. I am still struggling with this.....

 

 

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The grief feels unbearable at times and we don't know what to do with it.  I've learned we can't circumvent it, if there was a way, I would have found it.  We go through it, we feel it, we allow ourselves to sit with our pain and we keep putting one foot in front of the other and tell ourselves to just get through this day...then tomorrow we get up and do it all over again.  In time we realize it's been years and we've somehow survived.  We still miss them, we always will, but somewhere along the way we stopped looking for them to come through the door and the everyday habits we shared together we no longer expect and we don't even know at what point we quit anticipating them.  This is grief.

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