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AJWCat

Sick with grief and guilt

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I know. We'll be finding somewhere new to move into so it's not even the same house... it's just going back to the area. Today has been miserable. I thought I was doing pretty good last week and today I am so sad so depressed. Everything feels hopeless. And at this point I think my husband who's been totally sad with me is starting to tire of my emotional swings. Can't blame him. He has health issues too which makes me nervous. 

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Dealing with grief AND his health at the same time is hard.  Take good care of yourself.  I hope this intensity lessens soon.

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As KayC said, try and take care of yourself .I know you  don't feel like it ,but try ,at least for your husband's sake.You have each other. And,in this forum,you're not alone.

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Thanks for the comments. It is five weeks today. I am feeling better. It's hard to explain why I was feeling so awful the other day and today okay. It's easier to remember the good times without so much guilt and agony. I have to be careful not to let my mind obsess over the end - that's when I can get to a dark place and feel terrible.

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4 hours ago, AJWCat said:

It's hard to explain why I was feeling so awful the other day and today okay.

This is the way of grief...it comes in waves, up, down, back, forth, it doesn't need to make sense, it just is.  We learn to ride the waves.  Not to fight it, to let it flow.  I'm glad today is an okay day, we need those.

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I have been on a bit of a vacation, a little distraction for a few days which has been nice. That said, every now and then I have a wave of grief... of a wave of heartache overwhelm me to remember, our sweet kitty isn't waiting for us somewhere. He's not being boarded for a few days, he's not at home... and it makes me so sad. I also emailed our vet a day or two after we lost him and they never wrote back! Which seems so odd. I haven't been able to email our last cat sitter who watched him quite often over 2 years - as we travel a fair amount. She absolutely adored him. She would take a photo every day that she visited and send to me and we'd gush over how cute he was. That said, she knew we were moving so maybe I don't need to email her at all? Thoughts? Am I just sharing pain needlessly? :(  

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I feel your pain and I am so sorry. It's in my heart too. It is good that you went on vacation, to be away from home. It is so hard to deal with the pain on a daily basis, without any distractions. And I think a pain like this has to be shared with all those who knew your kitty, and the grieving too .They were part of his life and yours. It IS odd that the vet never wrote back. Any caring and considerate vet would reply to this. I don't know what to say. I think you should try and contact your cat sitter ,to share your grief, since you both adored him. She has the right to know. Unless this will make you relive the events of that day and make your pain worse. This is the only reason I would hesitate to do it.

 

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When you feel more able, I would let your cat sitter know.  It sounds like she was very much a part of your cat's life.  I, too, think it peculiar that the vet didn't respond.

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It is weird. Maybe I will reach out to the vet again as he had an appt. in November. :( I will let my cat sitter know soon. I know it will be a tough email to write and I will likely cry over it so it needs to be a moment where I am alone and ready for that. Another odd feeling, my friend has been out visiting us and she just left. It is very strange I actually feel a sense of loss. Like this weird sense that something is off. It's strange how losing our cat has made me very unsettled in general. 

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Yes ,do reach out to the vet.Maybe they didn't see your e-mail.                                                                                                                                                                                                        You are right about "unsettled" .It is a general sense of loss and loneliness. I was at a friend's house yesterday .We spent many hours talking and I forgot myself. But when I came home this sense returned. This huge absence, this void . And the knowing that there is nothing I can do to change it ,I just have to live with it. It is so good to be able to share all this here ,with you.

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Yes it is! We all share a similar experience and even the words we use are so accurate. Like, when you said I forgot myself - that is so true. You forget all your troubles and then you remember again.   

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AJW, let us know what, if anything, the vet has to say, okay?  I pray you find the words to convey to them.

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I will. I am thinking I am going to call them in a couple weeks. I have to cancel his appt. for early Nov. :( At least I probably won't burst into tears now. We are back from our "getaway" to our vacation house today where he got sick. I know it must seem like we travel a ton, but we have no house/appt right now.  Coming back and walking in is so painful. Opening my luggage and remember how he would love to roll around and welcome us back. My Mom took the 2nd bedroom and the last remaining sign of him. He had jumped on the bed and made paw prints on the comforter in that room. Thanks for reading my posts and giving me so much support! I really really appreciate it. 

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I know how it feels....their absence is so painful. I wish I could say something that would make you feel better...I am dealing with this everyday too. Though it doesn't take the pain away,  I think it helps that you won't be returning to your old house where all the memories are.

KayC has me covered...We're all together in this.

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We are all in it together. My husband actually suggested what a mistake this all has been and had we not come here, and stayed in our place, our cat would still be alive. I cannot even go there... too much guilt it makes me ill. Then I just get so mad. But then I think, if this hadn't happened, it would've been the greatest summer ever. You just never know how things are going to do. If you live in fear, you do nothing, ever. 

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No we were not meant to live in fear. We always make the best decisions according to  present circumstances .We are not superhuman to know the future. Please don't let yourself fall again down that hole of self-blame , of "ifs" and "should haves". You cannot know what would have happened if you stayed in your place, no one can. Maybe your kitty would have gotten sick anyway, maybe something else would have happened, you cannot know. I know guilt is hard to argue with ,but please remember that you always meant only good for him.

 

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I agree...try not to go down that path.  We don't know what would have been, that isn't what is, we can only deal with the present.  The guilt thing sure is hard to shake, isn't it!  It's part of our grief, as undeserved as it may be.

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The last few days have been challenging, I have had my own health "crisis" this week and still dealing it, so my thoughts have been turned toward that. Then, when I allow myself to think about our cat, I feel so overwhelmed still. My anger has mellowed more and now I am just so sad. What an extra comfort he'd be for me now. He always was. A few months ago I was sick from food poisoning and our cat was so sweet, he followed me around, in bed, out of bed, stuck by me at every turn.  

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