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I do not think I even loved him


hisha

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but i'm sad all the time

its been over 2 years and I'm still sad all the time

I wake up scared of tomorrow and what will happen to us

have no faith in my self or people or life

sad for my children growing up without a father

 before him i had horrible life  abused   since i was a child

he was nice and normal and i thank him for that but i cant forgive him for using me and not letting me study or have a job

i think of ending my life but i'm not brave enough to do it

I want this fear to go a way  

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Hi Isha, first I am sorry for your loss and I am also sorry you are going through a bad time after 2 years.

After death some feelings should be putting to rest, like anger or resentments towards him, mostly for our own good, this "bad" feelings will only bring more weight to the grieve we have to carry, bad things happens to all of us, nobody is perfect and as humans is in our nature to commit mistakes. He might commit some mistakes, but the passed away, so there is not possibility for him to to redeem. So try to "let go" those bad feelings, I am pretty sure there are good memories and those are the one who matters.

We need to take one day at a time, tomorrow is not a place for us yet, just focus on doing the best you can "today". Sadness doesn't go away, we will just learn how to live with it, how to handle it, and with time we will get used to it. Your kids still have you, they still have his mother, and I know they are grieving his dad but are thankful his mother is still with them, your kids are blessings, support each other in order to achieve a joyful life.

Is never too late, you still can study and find a job, maybe it could be an opportunity to find meaning. 

We are here for you any time you need, feel free to talk and say what you feel

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1 hour ago, Ka9219 said:

Hi Isha, first I am sorry for your loss and I am also sorry you are going through a bad time after 2 years.

After death some feelings should be putting to rest, like anger or resentments towards him, mostly for our own good, this "bad" feelings will only bring more weight to the grieve we have to carry, bad things happens to all of us, nobody is perfect and as humans is in our nature to commit mistakes. He might commit some mistakes, but the passed away, so there is not possibility for him to to redeem. So try to "let go" those bad feelings, I am pretty sure there are good memories and those are the one who matters.

We need to take one day at a time, tomorrow is not a place for us yet, just focus on doing the best you can "today". Sadness doesn't go away, we will just learn how to live with it, how to handle it, and with time we will get used to it. Your kids still have you, they still have his mother, and I know they are grieving his dad but are thankful his mother is still with them, your kids are blessings, support each other in order to achieve a joyful life.

Is never too late, you still can study and find a job, maybe it could be an opportunity to find meaning. 

We are here for you any time you need, feel free to talk and say what you feel

ur right I have to let go of my anger and remember the good times and we had plenty of those :(

if I could find a way to live my life one day at a time and stop imagining us in the streets or hungry  if our money runs out after a few years and i couldn't invest it or find a job 

Iv'e been in a constant panic attack since he passed 

thank you

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4 hours ago, hisha said:

but i'm sad all the time

its been over 2 years and I'm still sad all the time

I wake up scared of tomorrow and what will happen to us

have no faith in my self or people or life

sad for my children growing up without a father

 before him i had horrible life  abused   since i was a child

he was nice and normal and i thank him for that but i cant forgive him for using me and not letting me study or have a job

i think of ending my life but i'm not brave enough to do it

I want this fear to go a way  

I'm sorry for the abuse you've suffered, and for having your stability knocked out from under you.  I pray you learn to have faith in yourself, to see you are worthy and capable.  I'm glad you're not brave enough to end your life because I'd like to see you be able to live it a little before losing it...really live it.  

Thinking of the rest of your life can bring anxiety, it helps to break it down into bitable chunks you can handle.  I take one day at a time, that helps me, I think I can handle one day.  Have you considered a guidance counselor to help you map out something you can work towards for yourself?

I was married 23 years to my kids' dad, following a very abusive six year marriage, so I can relate to what you say.  The one thing I can say about it is it was "normal", "stable", even though loveless.  He was very controlling and difficult to please though, which I finally realized was another kind of abuse.  Then I met George, he was my soulmate, my best friend, the love of my life, and...he died.  I am grateful we got some years together before I lost him, but having tasted what was sweet, it has been oh so hard to learn to live without him.  

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37 minutes ago, KayC said:

I'm sorry for the abuse you've suffered, and for having your stability knocked out from under you.  I pray you learn to have faith in yourself, to see you are worthy and capable.  I'm glad you're not brave enough to end your life because I'd like to see you be able to live it a little before losing it...really live it.  

Thinking of the rest of your life can bring anxiety, it helps to break it down into bitable chunks you can handle.  I take one day at a time, that helps me, I think I can handle one day.  Have you considered a guidance counselor to help you map out something you can work towards for yourself?

I was married 23 years to my kids' dad, following a very abusive six year marriage, so I can relate to what you say.  The one thing I can say about it is it was "normal", "stable", even though loveless.  He was very controlling and difficult to please though, which I finally realized was another kind of abuse.  Then I met George, he was my soulmate, my best friend, the love of my life, and...he died.  I am grateful we got some years together before I lost him, but having tasted what was sweet, it has been oh so hard to learn to live without him.  

my english  is bad  thank you for understanding what i wanted to say ..

*23 years is really long time

ur loss must be unbearable I'm really sorry

you look happy in the picture

 

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1 hour ago, hisha said:

reading everybody's posts and crying like I did the first weeks of the accident

 

Hi Hisha,

I'm sorry to hear that it is still very difficult for you.  I started individual psycho-therapy about 1-week into my loss and joined a grief support group shortly afterwards.  That, along with everything else, including being on this forum has been very helpful for me.  Have you tried this route?  It's just a thought and I think its worthwhile for you to consider to see if you can benefit from it.

 

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39 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Hi Hisha,

I'm sorry to hear that it is still very difficult for you.  I started individual psycho-therapy about 1-week into my loss and joined a grief support group shortly afterwards.  That, along with everything else, including being on this forum has been very helpful for me.  Have you tried this route?  It's just a thought and I think its worthwhile for you to consider to see if you can benefit from it.

 

therapy is very expensive here and we don't have grief support groups

also people don't like it if u talk about your loss for too long it's considered lack of faith

I am mostly scared more than sad and  I've been thinking of moving to Canada and stare a new life there with my children but honestly deep down I feel lost and don't belong anywhere

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8 hours ago, hisha said:

also people don't like it if u talk about your loss for too long it's considered lack of faith

hisha, Forget about what other people think! They are not in your shoes. You have to do what you think is best for you and your kids.

Why is it considered a lack of faith to still be grieving? I don't understand that. There is no time frame to grieving.  You, the kids, will be living with your loss the rest of your lives. You will adapt to coexisting with it.

I am sorry for your loss and the others have brought up good points and suggestions. I can understand you being afraid. We all are. We are alone in a different world that our loved ones cannot be a part of anymore. It is tough,lonely, scary and overwhelming.

Something that I did to bolster my self esteem was to write down all the things I am grateful for. I read that list every day. I also try to look for one thing during the day that makes me smile or to add to my grateful list. This is a time that we need to be our own best friend!  (HUGS)

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18 hours ago, hisha said:

also people don't like it if u talk about your loss for too long it's considered lack of faith

Grief is not a lack of faith. Even though I know I will see Lori again when I die, I still grieve the current separation until that day. Yet another example of, "They cannot understand what we go through until they go through it themselves".

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 over here crying over your dead relatives is a sin .

is it normal that I hate him know and don't like to see his pictures.

In the beginning I cried all the time talk to him all the time then I got really angry at him for leaving us like this and for not wearing seat belt and stayed angry.

Iv'e been through hell form hes family and the lawyers since he died

I cant explain exactly what I am feeling but I am also angry  coz I know I will never enjoy anything after him 

he ruined life for me ,

I think I sound selfish but I am not ;(

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hisha,

I know that some cultures handle grief differently than it comes and it sounds like you are dealing with that.  Grief may not end but it evolves as we go through it, it is a process, not something that is neatly over and done with.  If you can't cry over your dead relatives, then cry for yourself, you are in pain.  Tears are like a release valve on a pressure cooker, allowing the excess pressure to escape so you don't blow up.  They are relieving and help us.  

You can always talk to us, we're here going through it and we get it.  

I'm sorry his family is giving you hell.  I hope you can make a new start.  Dare to dream about a new life, one in which you're happier than now...dream it, that can be the beginning.

I'm sorry you feel he ruined life for you, is it because he died?

No your feelings do not make you selfish.  We experience all kinds of feelings in grief, all of them normal, some of them at odds with each other at the same time, that is okay.

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 He ruined life for me because every single good experience I had in my entire  life is because of him and with him 

before I meet him  I dreamed of going new places now I cant because the first time I got in an airplane was with him 

first time I traveled abroad was with him

first time I saw the see  or been in a boat .. 

and it hurts to member and hurts to imagine going placers now with out him 

and I feel selfish because money was part of the grieving 

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Money is a harsh reality and although we wish it wasn't a factor, it is.  We can't help that, it is a concern.  I was left destitute, we didn't expect his death, I was hit with many hospital, doctor, ambulance bills and had to remortgage my home.  I will be paying on it until I'm 80 and now that I'm retired everything keeps going wrong with it, needing costly repairs that once he could have done for very little cost.

You are speaking of "triggers" and they involve anything and everything.  In time those triggers will diminish, but the first couple of years or so they can be hard to deal with.  They come unbidden, leaving us to deal with all of the emotion involved.

Right now do what feels comfortable to you, there will be time to push past your comfort zone later as you are more ready.  Right now try not to think about the future but stay in today, one day at a time, today has enough to deal with of its own.  You will not always feel as you do today.  What you are going through equates with a brain trauma, it is far reaching and hard hitting, and it is a feat just to get up and face the day.  Give yourself credit for making it through today.  Don't forget to breathe.  Take care of yourself, it gives you the best chance of making it through this as well as you can.  Remember to drink water and eat something healthy, even if you aren't feeling like it.  Take a walk, it helps relieve stress and helps us feel better.  Try not to worry about what others say, your own feelings are of the utmost importance.  If those in your life don't validate that, WE DO!

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thanx kay Ill tray not to think of the future and when disaster happens i'll deal with it or panic then 

really sorry for what ur going through 

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hisha--- KayC has given you great, compassionate advice and encouragement. I fully agree with her. Your mind and heart, your life as you knew it, have taken a huge traumatic hit. It takes a long time to find your ways of coping and processing it all. You won't always be in this emotional state, trust me, it does evolve over time. Be kind, gentle and patient with yourself. We have no way of knowing what the future will bring. Try to have faith in the hope that it will all work out the way it is meant to. Take it one day at a time.:wub:

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After 12 years I still have to take one day at a time, I will the rest of my life.

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the kids left for my sister house  and I am feeling  alone  and miserable 

I want him back 

I cant live without him , I am really scared to be alone with my dark thoughts

 

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My sister told me yesterday that living alone is not the worst thing...of course she has never lived alone, so what does she know.  I told her that I realize there are relationships that are so bad that they are worse than living alone, however, that said, I told her it doesn't make me feel better about my situation because to tell me that is to devalue how I am feeling.  I told her it IS hard not having someone to care, no one to talk over things with, no one with whom to share the expenses and chores and decision making with, no companionship.  She just doesn't have a clue.  I think her husband is challenging to live with so she fantasizes about living alone, but then she wouldn't have anyone to take care of her when she falls, etc. she'd be at a rehab center while she recovers, she doesn't think about things like that.

I think we all think about wanting them back...eventually it sinks in that we don't get a say so, it is hard in the beginning, trying to adjust to what is, very hard hitting.  I felt like I couldn't live without my husband either, not because I was scared of doing things on my own but because I couldn't imagine life without him.  I've learned to carry him inside of me.  I've learned to do the best I can with my life, those words don't begin to depict how hard that's been, they sound simplistic, but there's nothing about this that's easy.

I hope you continue giving it your best for the sake of your kids.  Many of us don't have kids or our kids are grown, we are alone without that incentive, I hope having that incentive is a help to you.

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living alone is not so bad if it was without his memory 

I said I was abused before and part of that was not getting education or a job I was only aloud  out of the house 2 times a year shopping with my brother so I am used to being alone in my room 

but its deterrent now

I try not to remember him but its hard

 

    

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hisha, I am so sorry for the hard, lonely life you had to endure before your husband. It is no wonder you feel the way you do now. Your husband enhanced your life. Brought you beauty in living and loving and giving you children. He is not to blame for leaving you. He was not given a choice. Life itself is what happened. Try to be the best mom possible to the gifts your husband left you in his children. They are the best parts of the both of you. Someday, when you come to a sense of peace, you will come back to seeing the beauty of life again as your husband showed you and it will be his everlasting love guiding you along the way.

You will survive, somehow, someway and you have us here. We will listen and help you in any way our words can. (HUGS):wub:

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To be imprisoned in your home is abuse, I'm glad you no longer suffer that.  It can take some therapy to figure out how to deal with life on your own now but can be worth the effort.

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On ١٨‏/٨‏/٢٠١٧ at 11:31 PM, KMB said:

 

thank u you really sweet 

I dont want to sound ungrateful I love my children and lucky to have them  

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On ١٩‏/٨‏/٢٠١٧ at 5:42 PM, KayC said:

To be imprisoned in your home is abuse, I'm glad you no longer suffer that.  It can take some therapy to figure out how to deal with life on your own now but can be worth the effort.

I probably do need therapy I just dont want to spend the money their father left on my self spatially that I am not able to work and provide for them 

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6 hours ago, hisha said:

that I am not able to work and provide for them 

I do not know where you live, but maybe you could check into resources for low income assistance with counseling? You have dependent children. Surely the government must have programs to help you with financial assistance and other programs.  (HUGS)

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It could be the best $ ever spent...and why not on yourself?!  You are worth it and you may need therapy to see that, it could be life changing for you.  You've been kept down for so long...

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Kayc , KMB  I live in the worst country with human rights record

, we do have free counseling programs but I am reluctant  for many reasons

 one of them is  mental health stigma over her I dont want to be called crazy :(

 also I've been hurt for so long I believe i'm damaged and nothing will fix that and I can loos my children if their family decided to hurt me further more ( we are fighting in court over what he left)

 

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I understand, I'm very sorry.  I'm going to give you the name of a site where there is so many articles and a professional grief counselor on hand to help you, all you have to do is contact her and tell her what you need and she will provide helps.  Your needs are deep, more than most of us can begin to adequately address, I really wish for you the best.
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/06/in-grief-dreading-anniversary-date-of.html Marty Tousley is the website administrator and professional counselor.  She has so much help and support, articles, blog available besides just forum.  I like the forum here, there is more traffic, people stay on subject, but she has other helps so I go to both places.

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I am so sorry, hisha.  It is beyond me why anyone would consider you crazy or having mental health issues. You are grieving a traumatic loss of your husband!  Maybe, at a later time, you might want to consider trying counseling. In the mean time, KayC gave you a great place online to seek help.

I don't know why there should be any fighting in court. As you are your husband's wife, his belongings/financials, should go to you. Unless anything was specified in a will, which I don't know if he had one. Here, in the states, the surviving spouse is considered the inheritor and the children.  Sending prayers out to you!:wub:

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We don't know what country this is in, things are probably very different there than here.  There she is held down in fear of what could happen, understandably so.  She doesn't know the freedoms we take for granted.  My heart goes out to you hisha, I hope you are able to find your way to some peace and independence eventually.

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