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I just want this pain to stop


Dian

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I'm so sad all the time, it's been a little over two months and all I do is cry. I miss him so much. I don't know how much more I can take. I have been reading everyone's posts but I don't reply as I am not very good putting in words how I feel. I  am sick inside , I'm tired but can't sleep. I work full time , try and keep up with the house inside and out and I am overwhelmed. My work was understanding at first now it's like they feel I should just be over it and ready to go. I asked to work through my lunch one day so I could go to my grief counselor appt. And was told that I would miss a conference call so it would be better to reschedule it. I can't get another appt. until September. They just don't understand the amount of pain we are in. His birthday is Tuesday, the first in twenty plus years that I will not be able to hug him and wish him a happy birthday. I will be sitting at my desk just wanting to disappear but having to put a smile on for all. I try so hard to put one foot in front of the other but feel as if I am running in circles, every day is the same. I just miss him, I do not like my new normal , I hate it actually. I have to go on because of our children, I would never hurt them more than they already are. Sorry so negative , they day he died most of me went with him. It's so hard to see good in anything anymore. 

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I just posted how this weekend was horrible.  How I question everything and how everything is anything but normal.  Then I read your post.  My heart goes out to you because I get it.  Work - So wonderful in the beginning.  Now I hear whispers about how much I'm still not myself...  Or...that someone witnessed a glimpse of the old me. 

You're right.  They don't get it.  I know your conference call may have been important but what...our mental state isn't?  I travel often and it is so difficult.  I walk into a hotel room and the 1st thing I want to do is call and let him know I arrived.... 

I'm glad you have a grief counselor.   I'm thinking it's time...although place this is a release, I think I need to talk to someone.

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1 hour ago, Dian said:

Sorry so negative , they day he died most of me went with him. It's so hard to see good in anything anymore.

I wonder why people keep blaming theirselve for what we are feeling. Dain, we are facing death, not less no more: death. We have to accept the fact that "someone is no longer there" the brain understand it but not our heart. We don't force ourselves to feel sad, depressive and/or miserable, this feelings comes like waves in the middle of a storm and hit us over and over again, taking little breaths between each wave.

No you are not negative, you are feeling, you are human and your soul is in so much pain that it transcend to our physical body.

Two months? Is a short period of time, I am also at the second month, and I cry, struggle and feel sad and numb.

Try to do your best, you don't have to fake smiles as long as you do your job. Don't overthink on things you can not change.

1 hour ago, bela said:

Now I hear whispers about how much I'm still not myself.

I think that experiences change us, Indeed we are not the same, but people have no clue of what are we going through.

I am not the same I was, and I didn't expected to be, my love one is dead, he was taking away from me, I am alone and in pain, people can whisper as much as they want because they don't understand, I am not here to fill anyone expectations. I am sad and I am grieving and people should respect that.

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Dian, I completely understand where you are coming from. The pain, the missing of them,is unrelenting. I've heard of life being compared to the proverbial hamster wheel, but I feel in our circumstances, that hamster wheel gets way bigger and we get more exhausted from coping, trying, functioning. All we want is what we can no longer have. We cannot turn back the clock, the calendar. It is an exhausting, sometimes futile circle. But we have to keep going. We have no choice. We have to keep holding for hope that someday it will get easier to bare. Hang in there, you are not alone!:wub:

bela, If you feel it is time for a grief counselor, go with it. Your inner voice is prompting you and you need to listen. It will be for your own well being. I hope you find one who is a good fit for you and your needs.:wub:

11 minutes ago, Ka9219 said:

I am not here to fill anyone expectations. I am sad and I am grieving and people should respect that.

Good point! :wub:

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10 hours ago, Dian said:

I'm so sad all the time, it's been a little over two months and all I do is cry. I miss him so much. I don't know how much more I can take. I have been reading everyone's posts but I don't reply as I am not very good putting in words how I feel. I  am sick inside , I'm tired but can't sleep. I work full time , try and keep up with the house inside and out and I am overwhelmed. My work was understanding at first now it's like they feel I should just be over it and ready to go. I asked to work through my lunch one day so I could go to my grief counselor appt. And was told that I would miss a conference call so it would be better to reschedule it. I can't get another appt. until September. They just don't understand the amount of pain we are in. His birthday is Tuesday, the first in twenty plus years that I will not be able to hug him and wish him a happy birthday. I will be sitting at my desk just wanting to disappear but having to put a smile on for all. I try so hard to put one foot in front of the other but feel as if I am running in circles, every day is the same. I just miss him, I do not like my new normal , I hate it actually. I have to go on because of our children, I would never hurt them more than they already are. Sorry so negative , they day he died most of me went with him. It's so hard to see good in anything anymore. 

Dian,

I don't see you as negative at all, you are just honestly sharing your experience as it is.  I'm sorry your job doesn't understand.  I'd tell you to look for a different job but you have children to think of and support so that's not always an option.  I have heard of phone counseling, is that a possibility?  It seems a counselor would work after hours somewhat for people in your situation.  You've just established a relationship with your counselor so I understand not wanting to start over somewhere else.  Can you ask to have the counselor to call you to discuss appointment options?
Having his birthday coming up so close is reason enough to want an appointment, it's hard.  My husband died five days after his birthday, his banner was still up in our home, so I didn't have to face his birthday for another year, but it was hard taking the banner down. :(  My heart goes out to you, I remember those early days/months, it's so very tough.  I'm not sure this gets "easier" but we do get more used to it.  That sounds depressing in itself but it isn't, because eventually you do find something to smile at, some joy in life, and in the beginning that doesn't even seem a possibility!  

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10 hours ago, bela said:

I'm glad you have a grief counselor.   I'm thinking it's time...although place this is a release, I think I need to talk to someone.

I hope you will act on it, you are worthwhile and valuable, and it's good to do something positive for ourselves.

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Thank you everyone!

 

I am so grateful that I have this place to come too and express what I am feeling because people do not get what we are dealing with every day. Your posts make me feel like I am normal and that what I am feeling is okay. I feel like I am in that movie Groundhog Day when I wake up I just repeat the day before. I am going to ask to work from home tomorrow because I just don't think I will get through the day being that it is his birthday and the first of many firsts with out him. I do not feel like crying at my desk for all to see. I know two months is only a short time but in the same sense it has felt like an eternity. I know Doug would want me to be happy and find joy again and I hope that one day I will be able too. Again thank you for your kind words and support, it means more than you know. Hugs to all!!

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That's the one glaring truth in all of this grief. People just don't get it. They simply do not understand no matter how much we want them to. They don't realize that we are held hostage by grief. We have no say so when the waves will hit and we certainly don't get to choose which emotion will hit with each wave. We literally reach into the bag and pull out whichever horrible feeling the world wants us to have at that moment. I was doing fine(or so I thought) last Thursday. I was watching a show that Lori and I really liked. I smiled at times and even laughed a bit. At the very end of the episode three of the main characters were in a room laughing when one of the men looked around and said "Where is my wife?". Those four words hit me like a ton of bricks. I lost it. I balled like a baby for 30 minutes. The world outside of our club wants us to "move on", "get over it", or "be happy again". They want the impossible then they are upset that we can't provide them what THEY want.

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2 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

They want the impossible then they are upset that we can't provide them what THEY want.

So much of that is selfishness. They should be asking what they can do for us. They could spend some time holding our hand, giving a hug and just listening. Most think their "time" is their own precious commodity. I wish they would realize that some of that "time" would be better spent giving to others. None of them are going to "get it" until it happens to them. Some have to learn the hard way I guess.

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I get so tired of people telling me, you need to get out of the house more and do fun things. I am out of the house every day working and then I come home and take care of dinner, laundry etc. The weekends are spent mowing the lawn cleaning grocery shopping. How much free time do they think I have now? I was somewhat of a homebody before he passed, we both were. Now that he passed I'm expected to be some other person? Maybe they mean well but it is getting really annoying like I'm doing something wrong. Grief is exhausting and they don't understand the toll it takes. Maybe someday I will want to do fun things but right now I am doing the best I can to make it through another day. You are all right, they will never understand  until it happens to them. Not that I would wish this on anyone. 

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I would imagine this is true for a lot of us.  When my husband was here, chores, tasks, errands were 50/50 - 60/40, even 70/30.  Now they are 100%.  Sure, let's all get out of the house more often.  I must tell myself 50 times a day...He means well...She saying that from a good place...But their best intentions sometimes hurt.

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5 hours ago, Dian said:

I get so tired of people telling me, you need to get out of the house more and do fun things. I am out of the house every day working and then I come home and take care of dinner, laundry etc. The weekends are spent mowing the lawn cleaning grocery shopping. How much free time do they think I have now? I was somewhat of a homebody before he passed, we both were. Now that he passed I'm expected to be some other person? Maybe they mean well but it is getting really annoying like I'm doing something wrong. Grief is exhausting and they don't understand the toll it takes. Maybe someday I will want to do fun things but right now I am doing the best I can to make it through another day. You are all right, they will never understand  until it happens to them. Not that I would wish this on anyone. 

You just say it, grieving is exhausting, and people don't have a clue about the process and the weight we are carrying. The main reason people say such a things is because they haven't go through this, they are not grieving, they haven't feel the pain and frustration of losing someone, and they are so afraid of the pain related with death that they try to minimize it or invalidate it. Yes, losing someone is horrifying and people have no right to tell us what to do or what is best.

"Oh yeah my boyfriend/husband died 2 months ago, sure I want to party" SWEET LORD, NO!!!!! "fun things" maybe they mean good but sometimes is better silence. As you say, maybe one day, yes, of course, we need to laugh, but not now.

We need to do what is better for us and not what people think is better for us.

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Dian,

I hope you are able to work from home today.  You're right, no one wants to be bawling at their job, it's somehow easier to do it in private.

It's VERY irritating to have people make these clueless suggestions to us as to how to live our lives or deal with our grief when they don't have a clue about us or our grief.  It's amazing to me how people feel because we lost our spouse that they are somehow experts on how we should live our lives.  ???!  What part did I miss?

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I was able to use a sick day today. I have been trying to keep busy. I raked up the crab apples that keep falling in my yard, I mowed the lawn, ran errands and now I will do laundry. I am afraid if I stop I will fall apart. Today is hard  but then again they all are. Thanks so much for the support! I don't know what I would do with out you guys! 

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On 8/14/2017 at 7:36 PM, Dian said:

I get so tired of people telling me, you need to get out of the house more and do fun things. I am out of the house every day working and then I come home and take care of dinner, laundry etc. The weekends are spent mowing the lawn cleaning grocery shopping. How much free time do they think I have now? I was somewhat of a homebody before he passed, we both were. Now that he passed I'm expected to be some other person? Maybe they mean well but it is getting really annoying like I'm doing something wrong. Grief is exhausting and they don't understand the toll it takes. Maybe someday I will want to do fun things but right now I am doing the best I can to make it through another day. You are all right, they will never understand  until it happens to them. Not that I would wish this on anyone. 

Not only are we doing all of the things we once split with our better half, we are also exhausted all of the time. Yet another thing people don't understand is that no matter how much sleep I get(or try to at least) I am always tired. Always worn out. I do all of the housework. All of the yard work. I make all of the decisions both small and large. Physically and mentally running on empty 24/7. These things were not transitioned to us slowly. We had all of these tasks heaped upon us in the blink of an eye. And we're doing them while suffering the greatest pain we have ever experienced. 

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52 minutes ago, Eagle-96 said:

Physically and mentally running on empty 24/7. These things were not transitioned to us slowly. We had all of these tasks heaped upon us in the blink of an eye. And we're doing them while suffering the greatest pain we have ever experienced. 

This is a terrible, traumatic loss we are fighting ourselves through. I'm exhausted at the end of the day and exhausted when I have to start another day. If I could have 5 minutes to see and talk to my husband, once a month, would give me something to hang onto and keep going.

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2 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

Not only are we doing all of the things we once split with our better half, we are also exhausted all of the time. Yet another thing people don't understand is that no matter how much sleep I get(or try to at least) I am always tired. Always worn out. I do all of the housework. All of the yard work. I make all of the decisions both small and large. Physically and mentally running on empty 24/7. These things were not transitioned to us slowly. We had all of these tasks heaped upon us in the blink of an eye. And we're doing them while suffering the greatest pain we have ever experienced. 

You are so right, I guess it's no wonder that even after all this time I feel so overwhelmed at times.  It's hard making all of the decisions, doing all of the work, paying for everything on one income, all without moral support or anyone to talk it over with.  When you wrote this it struck me "No wonder I'm feeling like I am!"  I haven't gotten completely used to it.  I wish he would come back and take care of me for a while...sigh...

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

 "No wonder I'm feeling like I am!"  I haven't gotten completely used to it.  I wish he would come back and take care of me for a while...sigh...

I wish for the same. I feel this way after only a year and you have felt this way through 12 years. I guess there are some things that we will never get used to-----:(

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I truly believe that if I could put my head on his shoulder or hold his hand for five minutes and close my eyes I would feel more rested than I have felt in the past 10 months nights of sleep.  Ya'll are so right about others not understanding. 

 

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rlw, I am deeply sorry for your loss. You have joined a great forum here. Many compassionate people here, willing to give amidst their own pain. It puts another dent into my already broken heart when I see someone else join, knowing the pain they are enduring.  You are welcome to just read posts if you want and to join in and share when you need to. We are here for you.  (HUGS)

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rlw I am sorry for your loss. I totally get the lack of sleep, I wake up every hour on the hour. Like KMB said this forum gives you a place to say how you feel without judgement. We understand where you are coming from. Hugs to you. 

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17 hours ago, rlw said:

I truly believe that if I could put my head on his shoulder or hold his hand for five minutes and close my eyes I would feel more rested than I have felt in the past 10 months nights of sleep.  Ya'll are so right about others not understanding. 

For sure!  The lack of sleep is one of the hard parts about this.  I never felt so rested as I did in George's arms.  It felt like the best place in all the world to be.  I never felt like that with anyone else, a sense of "being home".

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

For sure!  The lack of sleep is one of the hard parts about this.  I never felt so rested as I did in George's arms.  It felt like the best place in all the world to be.  I never felt like that with anyone else, a sense of "being home".

Spot on! This is the very reason that I could never contemplate, at my age, of dating or another relationship. My Ed was my "home" and I was his. I can never go "home" again in this life, but I will be when God and Ed call for me when it is time.

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28 minutes ago, KMB said:

Spot on! This is the very reason that I could never contemplate, at my age, of dating or another relationship. My Ed was my "home" and I was his. I can never go "home" again in this life, but I will be when God and Ed call for me when it is time.

I'm there with you; what Charles and I shared together is enough to last my lifetime and it will.  You know, that kind of love that awakens your soul; makes you reach for more; plants the fire in your heart and brings peace to your mind. That's what I had and that is what will sustain me until I too am reunited with my Charles.

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