Jump to content
Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
  • Announcements

    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
sad_maddie

I've lost the most important person in my life

Recommended Posts

First of all, please don't judge me by my language skills (you can think that I'm immature or so), but English isn't my native language. I'm only 16 years old. A few weeks ago I lost my dear boyfriend, he and his father died in a plane crash (puddle jumper plane). He wasn't even 16, his birthday were meant to be on 23rd of August. This whole situation is so overwhelming, it was so sudden.

First, I'll tell a bit about our relationship. We weren't the same as most of our age-peers. He had had a lot of problems in his life before, so had I, we had to get mature and responsible much earlier than the others. This relationship lasted almost 2 years... I can call it a true love. Some people claim that true, conscious and responsible love can't exist at that age; I think it's quite the opposite. We were everything for each other, he was the half of me and my heart. I love him so much... I miss him so much. As a couple we weren't perfect, but do there exist any perfect relationships? I could rely on him, so did he. When I had a problem he was always there for me, even though he had so little time for himself. So was I. I loved spending time with him, even when it was only a couple of hours spent on talking or just sitting beside each other. His attitude towards life, towards any topic, impressed me. It was showing his maturity. When all my friends betrayed me and left me, he was there with me. He was mentally abused by his mother and siblings, they didn't love him, they treated him like a robot for working or like a trash. I was always there for him, ready to help and support him. This was such a great love, our friends were envious of it, they told us that they also wanted such a love and such a mature relationship. We were so happy with each other, we had a lot in common.

And now, about situation. It was so sudden that I still don't believe in it, I don't believe that it happened. I feel so... stressed, depressed, scared, shocked, miserable, down, downcast, gloomy, downhearted and so empty, my heart really hurts. That day we planned to meet, because he was coming back from his grandma's house, and he was meant to be at home at 8.30 a.m., but this **** happened. We had so many plans together, he had so many plans because he was fuc*ing ambitious, he wanted to go to one of the best highschools in our country, he wanted to go to the best economy college in Europe! He was such a kind-hearted person, everybody liked him so much. Our big day was supposed to be the day of our wedding, not the day of his funeral... He wanted to make a summer party the following week, for me and our friends... For his birthday party I wanted to bake a chocolate and raspberry cake for him (these were his favorite flavors), he was so joyful because of this fact... We wanted to do so many things together this summer, this schoolyear... ugh, this life....

Now I'm trying to live somehow but... Sometimes there's a "strong day" that I do so many good things and all that stuff, but there are much more "bad days" when I sleep 15-16 hours, wake up, cry, eat, cry, sleep, cry... I'm conscious that I need time.. but now I have so many worries... I'm trying to live the way, that he can be proud of from the heaven. He always wanted me to be a strong girl, he liked the fact that I'm ambitious too, he was proud of me and my successes. But it's so bloody hard! I want him and his father to be proud of me, but it's so hard to do anything now... I miss him so much... I'm still in love with him... Also I'm so afraid... Because I know that it'll be a good thing for me to find someone that I'll truly love, and I know it'd be best because I'm this kind of person that can't exist alone, without this second person... But he was... the one.. This one... and I don't know if I'd be able to love anyone again... And if I would, there's a very high possibility that I will compare him to my dear Leon and I will think: Leon was better, it isn't the same, he's lacking so many things that Leon had... and so on.

I don't want this life without him, it's horrible, but I also want him to be proud of me... We were that close that it's impossible to imagine for anybody else than us... Everything collapsed for me now. Yesterday I visited him on the cemetery for the first time since funeral.. I was sitting there for 6 hours, listening to our favorite music and eating our favorite oreo chocolate... I can't imagine my life now... Waking up is horrible for me now... I love sleeping and dreaming now, because when I lie on my bed, listen to music and dream, I can be there with Leon, in my perfect world... just hugging or kissing him, just talking.. or sitting beside each other... Please God, give him back to me... Is this too much?

This is my story... Unfortunately the real one, not the nightmare or a made-up story...

I'm so sorry that this is so chaotic, but I wanted to imply here everything at once... Also I'm very sorry for any mistakes that I've done here.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, sad_maddie said:

First of all, please don't judge me by my language skills (you can think that I'm immature or so), but English isn't my native language. I'm only 16 years old. A few weeks ago I lost my dear boyfriend, he and his father died in a plane crash (puddle jumper plane). He wasn't even 16, his birthday were meant to be on 23th of August. This whole situation is so overwhelming, it was so sudden.

First, I'll tell a bit about our relationship. We weren't the same as most of our age-peers. He had had a lot of problems in his life before, so had I, we had to get mature and responsible much earlier than the others. This relationship lasted almost 2 years... I can call it a true love. Some people claim that true, conscious and responsible love can't exist at that age; I think it's quite the opposite. We were everything for each other, he was the half of me and my heart. I love him so much... I miss him so much. As a couple we weren't perfect, but do there exist any perfect relationships? I could rely on him, so did he. When I had a problem he was always there for me, even though he had so little time for himself. So was I. I loved spending time with him, even when it was only a couple of hours spent on talking or just sitting beside each other. His attitude towards life, towards any topic, impressed me. It was showing his maturity. When all my friends betrayed me and left me, he was there with me. He was mentally abused by his mother and siblings, they didn't love him, they treated him like a robot for working or like a trash. I was always there for him, ready to help and support him. This was such a great love, our friends were envious of it, they told us that they also wanted such a love and such a mature relationship. We were so happy with each other, we had a lot in common.

And now, about situation. It was so sudden that I still don't believe in it, I don't believe that it happened. I feel so... stressed, depressed, scared, shocked, miserable, down, downcast, gloomy, downhearted and so empty, my heart really hurts. That day we planned to meet, because he was coming back from his grandma's house, and he was meant to be at home at 8.30 a.m., but this **** happened. We had so many plans together, he had so many plans because he was fuc*ing ambitious, he wanted to go to one of the best highschools in our country, he wanted to go to the best economy college in Europe! He was such a kind-hearted person, everybody liked him so much. Our big day was supposed to be the day of our wedding, not the day of his funeral... He wanted to make a summer party the following week, for me and our friends... For his birthday party I wanted to bake a chocolate and raspberry cake for him (these were his favorite flavors), he was so joyful because of this fact... We wanted to do so many things together this summer, this schoolyear... ugh, this life....

Now I'm trying to live somehow but... Sometimes there's a "strong day" that I do so many good things and all that stuff, but there are much more "bad days" when I sleep 15-16 hours, wake up, cry, eat, cry, sleep, cry... I'm conscious that I need time.. but now I have so many worries... I'm trying to live the way, that he can be proud of from the heaven. He always wanted me to be a strong girl, he liked the fact that I'm ambitious too, he was proud of me and my successes. But it's so bloody hard! I want him and his father to be proud of me, but it's so hard to do anything now... I miss him so much... I'm still in love with him... Also I'm so afraid... Because I know that it'll be a good thing for me to find someone that I'll truly love, and I know it'd be best because I'm this kind of person that can't exist alone, without this second person... But he was... the one.. This one... and I don't know if I'd be able to love anyone again... And if I would, there's a very high possibility that I will compare him to my dear Leon and I will think: Leon was better, it isn't the same, he's lacking so many things that Leon had... and so on.

I don't want this life without him, it's horrible, but I also want him to be proud of me... We were that close that it's impossible to imagine for anybody else than us... Everything collapsed for me now. Yesterday I visited him on the cemetery for the first time since funeral.. I was sitting there for 6 hours, listening to our favorite music and eating our favorite oreo chocolate... I can't imagine my life now... Waking up is horrible for me now... I love sleeping and dreaming now, because when I lie on my bed, listen to music and dream, I can be there with Leon, in my perfect world... just hugging or kissing him, just talking.. or sitting beside each other... Please God, give him back to me... Is this too much?

This is my story... Unfortunately the real one, not the nightmare or a made-up story...

I'm so sorry that this is so chaotic, but I wanted to imply here everything at once... Also I'm very sorry for any mistakes that I've done here.

I am SO sorry for your loss Maddie. I'm unfortunately all too familiar with your pain and am struggling myself after 5 weeks...

I wish there was something anyone could do to help you. I wish there was something I could say to you and to myself that would make us feeel any better. 

It's so unfair that you have to go through this pain so young. I am truly sorry. Post here as you like. Noone will judge you and it might turn out to relieve you. 

Please find other's advise here who has more experience on this grief process. They can be your guide.

Hugs X

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Ka9219   

Maddie I am so sorry for your lost, this is a tragedy and I wish you shouldn't have to go through this.

First, don't listen what other people have to say about your relationship, they could say things like "you are so young...", "love at that age is not true...", "he was only your boyfriend...", "you are so pretty and will find another one to make you happy...", and stuff like that, please don't listen to them, you loved him -and I am pretty sure you will love him forever", you know your relationship was good and strong, you both love each other, you went through a lot together. Please don't pay attention to those people who are trying to make your pain less or invalidated it. 

It is a tragedy that someone so young died, my boyfriend was only 26 years old when he died two months ago, I can't imagine the pain of losing someone at your age, I know you are devastated. All the feelings you are feeling is part of the grieve, you lost your soulmate, and best friend, we all have feel the pain, the numbness, sadness and loneliness. There are good, bad and worst days, some days make our heart heavy, we cry and we can't find any peace, other days are "good" because we could reach serenity and the heaviness in our chest is lighter. 

I used to think that grieve was a path we had to take when we loved someone who died, but reality is that grieve is not a path, is a journey. We will carry that person and the loss of that person our entire live, eventually we will learn how to handle the pain, and will learn how to live with it, I am going through the second and half month of the loss of Mario, and I cry less, the shock vanished, but I still numb from time to time, sadness is over me most of the time, but some days I can feel peace.

Maddie, I might understand your pain but the reality is that only you know what your are feeling. Do what feels good for you, scream and cry as you need, punch the pillow if you need to.

We are here, we don't replay immediately but we will replay as soon as we can. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Azipod   

Maddie, I am sorry for your loss. Don't worry about any negative things you might hear from others. You expressed your feelings very well in your post and it really does sound like you have something special with your boyfriend. Please try to get the help you think you need. Losing someone special is very traumatizing and at your age, it can be even more difficult for its own reason.  Take care of yourself and you can always post here for support.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Francine   
19 hours ago, sad_maddie said:

Now I'm trying to live somehow but... Sometimes there's a "strong day" that I do so many good things and all that stuff, but there are much more "bad days" when I sleep 15-16 hours, wake up, cry, eat, cry, sleep, cry... I'm conscious that I need time.. but now I have so many worries... I'm trying to live the way, that he can be proud of from the heaven. He always wanted me to be a strong girl, he liked the fact that I'm ambitious too, he was proud of me and my successes. But it's so bloody hard! I want him and his father to be proud of me, but it's so hard to do anything now... I miss him so much... I'm still in love with him... Also I'm so afraid... Because I know that it'll be a good thing for me to find someone that I'll truly love, and I know it'd be best because I'm this kind of person that can't exist alone, without this second person... But he was... the one.. This one... and I don't know if I'd be able to love anyone again... And if I would, there's a very high possibility that I will compare him to my dear Leon and I will think: Leon was better, it isn't the same, he's lacking so many things that Leon had... and so on.

I don't want this life without him, it's horrible, but I also want him to be proud of me... I can't imagine my life now... Waking up is horrible for me now... I love sleeping and dreaming now, because when I lie on my bed, listen to music and dream, I can be there with Leon, in my perfect world... just hugging or kissing him, just talking.. or sitting beside each other... Please God, give him back to me... Is this too much?

I am  very sorry for your loss and know too well your pain.  It's hard and you will have those roller coaster days; I did and still do.  One day I'm OK and the next day, it's pure hell; but somehow, someway you get through it.  You don't know how, but you know you must because that is what Leon would want you to do.  When you lose someone you can't live without, your heart is badly broken, and you don't ever think you will make it through the loss.  Even at the young age you are, know that you will; I'm not going to pretend and tell you that it will be easy, because it wont.  But know that you have a built-in strength given by God to help you through anything this world can throw at you.  Strength doesn't come from what you can do, it comes from overcoming the things you thought you couldn't.

Your journey is not yet complete, and none of us know where this life will lead; it has many roads and twists and turns.  You never know what's around the corner and it's easy to be on the edge of your seat; you may even meet someone that will bring you joy and happiness but you will never forget Leon, nor should you. This grief journey will be difficult and the road will be long and your destination right now is unknown, but I encourage you to face it with limitless faith that the road you take will someday lead you home where Leon will be waiting.  Difficult roads often always lead to beautiful destinations.

As hard as it is to believe now, God is not punishing you, HE is preparing you.  Trust HIS plans and not your pain.  My prayer is that God gives you strength when you are tired; hope when you are discourage and peace when you are afraid.  Know that you are in my prayers.  I hope you continue to post - we are here for you and one another.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you all for this positive response! I think it helps me a little bit.

When I read others' posts, I think that I'm pretty strong... It happened not even a month ago and I'm trying to live normally, I do things that others can't do. The first week was the worst, I was sitting alone at home. I was sleeping for 15 hours, then I was going to grocery store for some junk food (before this accident I had been eating very clean, also I exercised a lot and I'd lived a very healthy life), then I was eating and reading my texts with Leon, then I was going to sleep, and this was repeating for a week. The next week was better. I met my friend, we went rollerskating, I was behaving and talking completely normally. Also I went hiking two times that week. I worked out a bit. I don't know how did I do that, when others have issues in visiting grocery store. I think that I found motivation in him, I thought that I'll try to live so that he can be proud of me. Also I think that he's here with me, next to me, but not with his body, he's with his soul.

Me and my friend (Leon's best friend) were crying together when he told me: Hey, Maddie, we should stop now. He's probably now looking at us and doing facepalm or he's even laughing because we're wasting time in such a way. When I'm able to think this way, everything is so much easier.

I'm trying to eat just a little bit healthier, to work out again. His family is also very helpful (I think that they finally understood their mistakes... But it's too late.), talking to them is slightly soothing me. Especially to his older brother (Leon has 5 siblings and most of them is younger), he's so similar to Leon and he was the only one in this family that treated Leon with respect, treated him as he should. I think we understand each other the best.

Tomorrow I'll go hiking again. Mountains are my love, there I feel so free and now I feel closer to Leon there. During the rest of holidays I'll visit Leon as often as possible, because I live in a town that i 30mins far away from his (going by bus) and during schoolyear I probably won't be able to visit him each week, so now I want to make of this time and visit him perhaps 4-5 days a week.

Also I'm planning to make a meeting with his family and the friend and we'll look at pictures that we have with Leon.

Posting here and reading your responses is really helpful, thank you all for your effort.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KMB   

Maddie, I know that words don't really mean much at this time, but I am deeply sorry for your tragic loss. And I can't even imagine what Leon's family is going through. They lost a husband, father, son, sibling, etc. Two people from the same family has to be insufferable. Your lost your soul mate, best friend,future life partner. I can understand how unbearable it is for you. You have been resuming some of your activities though and it is so heartening to hear. Leon loves you and you will make him very proud to keep living life for him and yourself.

It must feel so relieving that you have such a good relationship with Leon's family. It is a blessing that they are so willing, amidst their own grieving, to include you with sharing their photos and memories.

Welcome to the forum, though I wish someone as young as you didn't have a reason for being here. We try our best in helping each other through this difficult journey.:wub:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC   

Maddie,

I am so sorry, Hon, your English is great, and none of us would ever discount your love.  Young love can be real, especially when you've been through so much and get each other.  People sometimes say inappropriate things, that's because of THEIR ignorance, not because it's right.  I wish I'd known to expect that but was caught off guard by it when it happened, I've learned to stand up for myself and correct them.  Maybe I should let it go in one ear and out the other, but that's not my personality, I want people to learn not to say stupid things to grievers.

I've learned to cherish the time I had with my George, it doesn't discount what I've been through but it does help me to know that once in my life I had someone that loved me more than anything, that special someone who is my soulmate.

It's good you've found this place, you can express yourself, vent, we're all here to listen...

We all wish it had gone different, it's not fair, nothing about this is. :(

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Ka9219   

Maddie, Indeed you are strong, keep like that, there is not need to rush in bad feelings and depression, if you can, stay the as far away as you can of this toxic feelings. 

I think you've heard that we all grieve differently, maybe your way of grieving is going out there and own every moment honoring Leon and enjoying life on his behalf.

Staying in touch is always good, with his family and friends, you are the responsible to make his memory immortal and taking him with you wherever you are.

I think the meeting is such a great idea :) 

Take care of you and your heath, exercise fight back sad feelings 

We are here all for you

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now


×