TooDevastated

Seeing a medium?

60 posts in this topic

17 hours ago, Lulu said:

I haven't posted in a bit. I've been trying to get through each day and sometimes I feel I have nothing to share that will help anyone, as I am still working my way through this thick fog of pain and loneliness. But I too have often thought this, KMB. Is God upset with me for putting my Lily above all else in my life. I say maybe but He wants us to love one other and I believe love is the one thing He wants us to share. I guess I haven't done much sharing. I poured all my love into Lily and now I have nothing. Am I wrong to constantly think about her and wish for her to be here with me when I know she is in Heaven and God is taking care of her now? I sometimes think I am being selfish but I feel how I feel. I can try to distract myself or make myself think of other things, but that's just it, I'm forcing myself to do it. My thoughts always go back to Lily and how much I wish I could talk and laugh with her. I pray every night for God's guidance but I wonder if He listens to me. Is He waiting for me to abandon all hope and thoughts of her. I would disappoint Him if that's the case.

This resonates with me Lulu. I feel guilty because when I think of my death, I think of getting to be with Lori. I think of reuniting with her and the joy that will bring. THAT is my sole focus. The reality is my focus should be on God and his sacrifice. I have a real issue with my feelings on the subject and can't help but feel that Lori should be secondary. It's hard.

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Hi Lulu, good to hear from you again.
KMB, I don't think we can be expected to feel any differently than we do, it's how it is between two people that love each other.  Of course I love my kids, but like you say, it's different, and the older they've gotten, the more they've separated from me, it's not like when they were little.  I still love them and would be crushed if anything happened to them, I thank God that's one thing I haven't had to go through.

I just made mention of this the other day, how I should be focused on getting to be with God but George seems to obliterate everything else.

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22 hours ago, KayC said:

Sue,

My husband has been gone longer than he was in my life, that feels really weird but I know it doesn't matter really, because what matters is how significant he was to me and to my life, and he was more so than anyone else combined.

I just love this site and how I have met so many that have the same feelings I am and have gone through.  You are so right...the significance means much more than "time".  

 That is exactly how I feel.  I have some in my life that truly don't understand how I could possibly have been so broken after only being with Scott for 4 months...the life we shared, the tragedy....it is embedded in my heart and soul for life.  I have become very close to his parents and grandparents since his passing....they have pulled me in as family.  I know I give them comfort as they do for me.  They get it...they know the love we shared....they know the gifts we gave each other and they know their son/grandson was loved completely when he died.  His Mom said "I could never have gotten through this without you...especially the end...you were my rock".  I had no idea.  Looking back I see it...as a mother myself...it would be heartbreaking to watch my child go through what Scott went through...I know she wanted to hold him and comfort him but he was a 45 yr old man & wasn't touchy feely with anyone but me so when his parents walked into his house and we were cuddled up on the couch watching TV or laying down together taking a nap....I think that gave her some sort of peace and comfort....to know he was being loved and cared for in a way that she couldn't.  I will never...ever...forgot any of my time with him.   I close my eyes and think about conversations and laughter and tears....I miss that man so much it hurts but I am so grateful he sent Dave to me to comfort me.   I am a true believer in everything happens the way it is supposed to and no one comes into your life by accident.  I know Scott is taking care of me. <3

 

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I'm so glad you have a closeness with your MIL, that's so special, my husband's mom died before we met each other, I would have loved knowing her.  She always told him he'd know when he met "the one" and sure enough, he knew what she was talking about when he met me.  We'd both been married previously but it was nothing like this.

I count myself fortunate to have had this love in my life, so many never know it, I know the price we are paying now but it is worth it.

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41 minutes ago, KayC said:

I count myself fortunate to have had this love in my life, so many never know it, I know the price we are paying now but it is worth it.

I wouldn't trade it for anything. Even though I know the heartache and despair is the toll I will pay for the rest of my life. I wouldn't have it any other way.

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2 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

I wouldn't trade it for anything. Even though I know the heartache and despair is the toll I will pay for the rest of my life. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I couldn't have said it better myself! Although I still have moments where I ask why or wish that Lily had never gotten ill, or that God had healed her, I am grateful that He allowed me so many years with her and for me to remain at her side in the end. It's what I imagined, that we would be together longer and one of us would be there for the other. Unfortunately, it was me being there for her and way too soon. New things have come to light as well that make me think that God knew it was better to welcome Lily home when He did. I thank Him for taking care of her. It's not how I wanted, not how she wanted, but it was how He wanted. I still struggle with this but I remind myself she is well. She is better than ever! And that is all I ever wanted for her. Complete happiness, joy, peace and love. I just wish it was with me that she was enjoying all that she so deserved!

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I feel exactly the same. As hard as this is I am so grateful. I knew I was loved everyday without question. Some people never have that their entire life, I was truly blessed. 

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Some people never approach the love we had with our soulmates. Some people spend a lifetime in search of what we had and always come up short. We reached the summit. We climbed the mountain and got to experience the beauty that only pure love can bring. The sad reality is that just as we were surveying all of the beauty, we fell off the mountain. Never saw it coming. Falling, hitting rocks and ledges along the way. As we hit bottom, the reality comes to light that we didn't die from the fall. We're left here broken and scarred. Bleeding from wounds that always seem to re-open. Alive, but not really living. We get to see the other climbers ascend the mountain with their partners. Two by two they shuffle past us. Some make it to the top and some don't. No matter how loud we scream they don't hear us. We lie there jealous of what they have. What we so desperately want back. BUT, each of us would do it all over again knowing the pain we now endure. It was ALL worth it. 

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3 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

It was ALL worth it. 

It certainly was. Your whole post touched my heart. A year ago today, a Friday, which some consider the end of a week, was my husband's last full day here. For me, I consider it the end of a beautiful, fulfilling life between two people who gave to each other selflessly. I believe my husband visited me during sleep last night. I have no memory of it, but my inner self feels it so strongly that I cannot dispute it. I fought getting out of bed this morning. I was talking to my husband, telling him how much I miss him, telling him how I detest this life without him. He let me feel his presence, the tingling waves going up and down my body. Maybe that is why I have a sense of calmness right now, he is always with me.

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On 8/17/2017 at 11:43 AM, Eagle-96 said:

I wouldn't trade it for anything. Even though I know the heartache and despair is the toll I will pay for the rest of my life. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I couldn't agree more.  

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