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TooDevastated

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7 hours ago, Azipod said:

This is so beautiful and I can't wait to get my reading.  I know my wife would do anything to comfort me and her family.   I need to know that she's still here and she sees here difficult this has been for all of us.  She needs to know how much I love and miss her.

Your wife does know how much you love and miss her. She is always with you. Things in the afterlife are a little different than here. After we cross over, we gain the knowledge of why things on earth happened the way they did. Much wisdom is gained along with the perception of the "bigger picture" of what this life here all means.  And the love they have for us here, it doesn't even compare to how we feel love on earth. Love for us from spirit is magnified by a million times. And they do know our pain and struggles without them. All that pain, suffering, struggling, will disappear when we cross over for that reunion!

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8 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I had many signs to validate my boyfriend is there. I also had been told things by the second medium to validate he is around me. It IS a great comfort to know he did not just perish and is waiting for me and is still doing the best he can in the spirit form and still cares about me. 

But still.... Even these dont ease down my pain. I dont think I am progressing at all. I cant even think of building a life without him knowing how sad and lonely it will be. 

I also had many signs from my husband and for few hours it gives me comfort but again after sometime same sadness. I also think that I am not progressing, I am stucked  in this sadness, I know I should take one day at a time but sometime when I think about my future, I saw only darkness and loneliness. No more happiness around me so I just shut my brain to think about that but sometime I can't control to think about future.

I was the person who plan everything long before so its my nature to think about future but now all I can see is miserable life so I try so hard to avoid thinking about future.

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1 hour ago, LoveGoli said:

I also had many signs from my husband and for few hours it gives me comfort but again after sometime same sadness. I also think that I am not progressing, I am stucked  in this sadness, I know I should take one day at a time but sometime when I think about my future, I saw only darkness and loneliness. No more happiness around me so I just shut my brain to think about that but sometime I can't control to think about future.

I was the person who plan everything long before so its my nature to think about future but now all I can see is miserable life so I try so hard to avoid thinking about future.

From what others have said, I think there will always be sadness.  I feel that all the time. Supposedly the pain just eases. But we will always be sad.   Don’t worry about your progress.  Our recovery is not linear. We don’t meccsassirly get better by the day.  We will at times, even go backwards.  There is no straight line for this grief.  Think about a bunch of circles drawn on top of each other. That’s how our journey is like.  It ends when we get to the end of the line in the circle.  Yeah, I know. It doesn’t look fun.

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I didn't feel my husband's spirit through the days following his death...not when I picked up his ashes, or had to go to the social security office, where they pronounced our marriage ended in death.  Not for the planning of the funeral.  Maybe he popped in now and then but if he did, I wasn't aware.  I envy those who felt that.  But I have learned he's with me still, inside my heart, he encouraged me when I went for job interviews or looked at my monthly budget.  He comforted me when I had to make my way alone with a broken right elbow, busted nose, broken off front tooth, or try to recuperate from surgery alone and my church "forgot to bring me a meal".  He was with me when I went through joblessness and discovered I needed a new roof.  All of these low points I have felt he was still here caring, and I know he would have loved to have been able to help me.  I can't imagine how frustrating it must be for them to see us going through these things and unable to help us.  But they look at things differently too now, they know we'll make it through these things, know things will work out, they can see it, we just can't.  I'm sure they'd like to be able to let us know it'll be okay.  Maybe it's then that they show us a rainbow or a hummingbird comes to drink.  Maybe it's then that we see a butterfly or some unexplainable event.  It's to encourage our hearts and let us know they still love and care for us!

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10 hours ago, Azipod said:

From what others have said, I think there will always be sadness.  I feel that all the time. Supposedly the pain just eases. But we will always be sad.   Don’t worry about your progress.  Our recovery is not linear. We don’t meccsassirly get better by the day.  We will at times, even go backwards.  There is no straight line for this grief.  Think about a bunch of circles drawn on top of each other. That’s how our journey is like.  It ends when we get to the end of the line in the circle.  Yeah, I know. It doesn’t look fun.

aaaand another start of a weekend in a few hours here. I wish I could die in my sleep so I wouldnt have to deal with the next 48 hours :/

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3 minutes ago, KayC said:

I didn't feel my husband's spirit through the days following his death...not when I picked up his ashes, or had to go to the social security office, where they pronounced our marriage ended in death.  Not for the planning of the funeral.  Maybe he popped in now and then but if he did, I wasn't aware.  I envy those who felt that.  But I have learned he's with me still, inside my heart, he encouraged me when I went for job interviews or looked at my monthly budget.  He comforted me when I had to make my way alone with a broken right elbow, busted nose, broken off front tooth, or try to recuperate from surgery.  He was with me when I went through joblessness and discovered I needed a new roof.  All of these low points I have felt he was still here caring, and I know he would have loved to have been able to help me.  I can't imagine how frustrating it must be for them to see us going through these things and unable to help us.  But they look at things differently too now, they know we'll make it through these things, know things will work out, they can see it, we just can't.  I'm sure they'd like to be able to let us know it'll be okay.  Maybe it's then that they show us a rainbow or a hummingbird comes to drink.  Maybe it's then that we see a butterfly or some unexplainable event.  It's to encourage our hearts and let us know they still love and care for us!

Oh Kay... It breaks my heart to read of all the hardship you had to endure in the last 12 years. You're a beautiful soul and deserve the best. I wish there were more people like you on earth. 

When I read your message say "They look at things differently now" I thought of how I think of my friends problems now. They all complain about little things. Things that can be solved, pseudo-problems! Maybe thats how our partners view our despair in that happy place they are now. 

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

 I'm sure they'd like to be able to let us know it'll be okay.  Maybe it's then that they show us a rainbow or a hummingbird comes to drink.  Maybe it's then that we see a butterfly or some unexplainable event.  It's to encourage our hearts and let us know they still love and care for us!

I like to think that as well

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2 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

aaaand another start of a weekend in a few hours here. I wish I could die in my sleep so I wouldnt have to deal with the next 48 hours :/

I know.  All 7 continents in the world are now either in or beginning the weekend.   I'm not sure what's worst.  Is it the fact that my wife passed away?  Or is it the fact that I left here without her?  Either way, I think I need to go.  Someone please end my life. please.

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2 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

When I read your message say "They look at things differently now" I thought of how I think of my friends problems now. They all complain about little things. 

I hear it all the time.  People constantly complain:

"My coffee isn't hot enough"

"My juice isn't sweet enough"

"This line is moving too slow"

OMG!   People just need to quit their whining.   I'm on a grief train with no destination.  Would they rather be in my shoes?   

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3 minutes ago, Azipod said:

I hear it all the time.  People constantly complain:

"My coffee isn't hot enough"

"My juice isn't sweet enough"

"This line is moving too slow"

OMG!   People just need to quit their whining.   I'm on a grief train with no destination.  Would they rather be in my shoes?   

I am not sure about you all but I was also like that before, when I got stuck in traffic I just complained, when food was not good I complained, when cab didn't arrive on time I complained. Now all these things are so silly and not worthy to give attention.

No complaints about small things, zero interest in outside world, no matter if I die today or tomorrow zero motivation.

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12 minutes ago, Azipod said:

I know.  All 7 continents in the world are now either in or beginning the weekend.   I'm not sure what's worst.  Is it the fact that my wife passed away?  Or is it the fact that I left here without her?  Either way, I think I need to go.  Someone please end my life. please.

If you find that someone, send him to my place as well.

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3 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

If you find that someone, send him to my place as well.

And to mine... That someone will need to travel from one continent to the next for us all!

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3 hours ago, Azipod said:

I hear it all the time.  People constantly complain:

"My coffee isn't hot enough"

"My juice isn't sweet enough"

"This line is moving too slow"

OMG!   People just need to quit their whining.   I'm on a grief train with no destination.  Would they rather be in my shoes?   

One of the people I supervise at the office was freaking out about the flower arrangements for her engagement ceremony. I f**king had to leave the office for a few hours! People have no clue about how absolutely horrible things can be. I never complain about little things. Even as a kid. I appreciated what I got and did my best with what I was given. I thought I would become the best possible version of myself. And THIS is the gift karma gave me for my efforts. 

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19 hours ago, KMB said:

Your wife does know how much you love and miss her. She is always with you. Things in the afterlife are a little different than here. After we cross over, we gain the knowledge of why things on earth happened the way they did. Much wisdom is gained along with the perception of the "bigger picture" of what this life here all means.  And the love they have for us here, it doesn't even compare to how we feel love on earth. Love for us from spirit is magnified by a million times. And they do know our pain and struggles without them. All that pain, suffering, struggling, will disappear when we cross over for that reunion!

Thank you, KMB.  Yes, I believe in that.  It would be so nice to crossover to join our loved ones.  Unfortunately, I've never been a patient person.  So I'm not sure how I'm going to wait like many decades to crossover.   The anxiety might just kill me.   Wait, that's problem a good thing!  :)

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20 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

And to mine... That someone will need to travel from one continent to the next for us all!

We could all meet up and do each other. That would be a crazy news headline

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24 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

I never complain about little things. Even as a kid. I appreciated what I got and did my best with what I was given. I thought I would become the best possible version of myself. And THIS is the gift karma gave me for my efforts. 

My wife was just like you.  She had the kindest heart and never did anything that would hurt someone.  Even though she had an illness, she never pictured herself as a victim but instead, lived each life the best that she could and appreciate what she could enjoy.    All you scientists are the same!!!  =P

Speaking of Karma.   Yes...... my wife was a role model for all.... but then they decided to take HER away and not me.  go figure.

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10 minutes ago, Azipod said:

My wife was just like you.  She had the kindest heart and never did anything that would hurt someone.  Even though she had an illness, she never pictured herself as a victim but instead, lived each life the best that she could and appreciate what she could enjoy.    All you scientists are the same!!!  =P

Speaking of Karma.   Yes...... my wife was a role model for all.... but then they decided to take HER away and not me.  go figure.

Defo not all of us! I have seen some horrible scientists with no moral sense whatsoever. So you should be proud your wife is one of the good ones! 

All I wished for was a simple life with my boyfriend and that would have been enough to make everyday extraordinary. Never cared about fancy houses/furniture/cars etc. Just us together supporting each other, we knew everything would somehow work out.

My life was never easy to begin with... But I always worked on the solution rather than the problem. I had to move out at 17 because of problems with my dad and then had to be there for my sister during our parents broke up. Then we had to deal with mums cancer. I guess I did pretty good having part time jobs, making a living, graduating from uni and finding a job. No loss I endured until now can compare to this! All the previous problems were solvable so I did my best to solve them and I did!

Life seems to bring a stronger blow for me everytime I get up from the previous one. But, no point trying to stand up now. Because this is a problem I cannot solve. A problem noone can solve. As a scientist and as a devastated girlfriend who lost the one guy she ever loved, I simply have to accept defeat.

No resistence left inside me. I feel so so so so tired. Why bother now doing anything when the best part of my life is so cruelly taken away?

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1 hour ago, TooDevastated said:

Why bother now doing anything when the best part of my life is so cruelly taken away?

+1.     I struggle to figure out this question several times a day.

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8 hours ago, Azipod said:

My wife was just like you.  She had the kindest heart and never did anything that would hurt someone.  Even though she had an illness, she never pictured herself as a victim but instead, lived each life the best that she could and appreciate what she could enjoy.    All you scientists are the same!!!  =P

Speaking of Karma.   Yes...... my wife was a role model for all.... but then they decided to take HER away and not me.  go figure.

My husband was like your wife , even he was sick never showed me his pain. Sometime I cried watching him in such pain but he console me that everything will be fine and it gives me so confidence that yes everything will be fine. This is just bad time or bad year, this time will pass and then everything will be okay like before. He was such a ideal person and always stayed calm no matter if we have so much happiness or such bad time, he stayed calm mostly and never excited too much.

I was like small kid, happiness excite me so much and bad things hurt me most. He was my guide to handle things and now he left me with biggest sorrow and I am unable to handle this situation, i need him to guide me.

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7 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

My husband was like your wife , even he was sick never showed me his pain. Sometime I cried watching him in such pain but he console me that everything will be fine and it gives me so confidence that yes everything will be fine. This is just bad time or bad year, this time will pass and then everything will be okay like before. He was such a ideal person and always stayed calm no matter if we have so much happiness or such bad time, he stayed calm mostly and never excited too much.

I was like small kid, happiness excite me so much and bad things hurt me most. He was my guide to handle things and now he left me with biggest sorrow and I am unable to handle this situation, i need him to guide me.

It's Friday night, 10:30 pm.  I am home, alone.  I am sad. So nice to see you online from another part of this crazy world.   Makes me feel that I am not alone. Thank you.

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8 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

All I wished for was a simple life with my boyfriend and that would have been enough to make everyday extraordinary. Never cared about fancy houses/furniture/cars etc. Just us together supporting each other, we knew everything would somehow work out.

I wished the same, all I want was him. Whenever we go Temple I only asked for his long life and pray god whenever our time comes please take me first.

My family was against us because he was not so rich but I never cared about money, big house and other stuff, I was happy because I just wanted to spend my whole life with him, I knew we will get all these stuff later. 

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1 minute ago, Azipod said:

It's Friday night, 10:30 pm.  I am home, alone.  I am sad. So nice to see you online from another part of this crazy world.   Makes me feel that I am not alone. Thank you.

Its Saturday morning here, 11 am and as I said yesterday I am listening song. You know I am also happy that you replied at least someone is there who is lonely like me, sorry but its strange happy feeling.

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I know.  It's a small bit of relief knowing that there are other people out there going through this same terrible journey. 

Friday nights, or Saturdays are suppose to be enjoyment time for regular people.   We are not regular.  We are on a journey of grief.   I just wish this would end.

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4 minutes ago, Azipod said:

I know.  It's a small bit of relief knowing that there are other people out there going through this same terrible journey. 

Friday nights, or Saturdays are suppose to be enjoyment time for regular people.   We are not regular.  We are on a journey of grief.   I just wish this would end.

Before this i was so busy on Saturday, my husband gave me whole week clothes for laundry and no matter if we were not going out, doing house work , laundry gave me happiness. We have local festival here and people sending messages from morning even in his number as well. His few friends even didn't know what happened to him.

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2 hours ago, Azipod said:

It's Friday night, 10:30 pm.  I am home, alone.  I am sad. So nice to see you online from another part of this crazy world.   Makes me feel that I am not alone. Thank you.

Its Saturday morning 9 am here. Normally we would be having a lazy morning or start doing puzzles in bed or just have a long chat about nothing! Sad, dull and grey here as is my life.

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2 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

Its Saturday morning 9 am here. Normally we would be having a lazy morning or start doing puzzles in bed or just have a long chat about nothing! Sad, dull and grey here as is my life.

I miss those lazy weekend mornings and late night sleeping.

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2 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

I wished the same, all I want was him. Whenever we go Temple I only asked for his long life and pray god whenever our time comes please take me first.

My family was against us because he was not so rich but I never cared about money, big house and other stuff, I was happy because I just wanted to spend my whole life with him, I knew we will get all these stuff later. 

Everything would have worked out if we had them... Stuff can be replaced. Or we can do without most things! They are the ones impossible to replace or live without. Why is it us left with these shitty lives... I will never understand..

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2 hours ago, Azipod said:

I know.  It's a small bit of relief knowing that there are other people out there going through this same terrible journey. 

Friday nights, or Saturdays are suppose to be enjoyment time for regular people.   We are not regular.  We are on a journey of grief.   I just wish this would end.

Part of me is comforted that I am not alone in this journey. But part of me is really sad that there are a lot of people in this terrible pain that I am. Maybe it would be better if I was all alone in this journey and no one else had to suffer the loss of their soulmates. 

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Just now, TooDevastated said:

Everything would have worked out if we had them... Stuff can be replaced. Or we can do without most things! They are the ones impossible to replace or live without. Why is it us left with these shitty lives... I will never understand..

Really I don't understand what we have asked more than them. He was the one whom I loved most in whole world, I would handle biggest crisis if he was here , i just wanted him and fate take him away from me , don't have any idea why this thrown on me.

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3 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

Part of me is comforted that I am not alone in this journey. But part of me is really sad that there are a lot of people in this terrible pain that I am. Maybe it would be better if I was all alone in this journey and no one else had to suffer the loss of their soulmates. 

I can't imagine all alone on this journey, you all people are here and you have no idea what relief i feel when i talk to you all. In my family  I am all alone in this journey but I am glad that I found new family here, who understand my situation and talk with me.

I am so thankful to all of you.

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1 minute ago, LoveGoli said:

Really I don't understand what we have asked more than them. He was the one whom I loved most in whole world, I would handle biggest crisis if he was here , i just wanted him and fate take him away from me , don't have any idea why this thrown on me.

Sometimes I still have the strangest feeling that he is just far away on a journey and will be back soon. 

I dont know which one is sadder. Losing the most precious thing in my life or ceasing to be the most precious thing in someones life. 

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LoveGoli,

Thinking of you as your country goes through its festivities and you feel like anything but celebrating...and to all those phone messages coming in for your husband, it has to be hard.  (((hugs)))

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20 hours ago, Azipod said:

I hear it all the time.  People constantly complain:

"My coffee isn't hot enough"

"My juice isn't sweet enough"

"This line is moving too slow"

OMG!   People just need to quit their whining.   I'm on a grief train with no destination.  Would they rather be in my shoes?   

Nothing like grief to put things into perspective!  It really makes you stop and think about what's important...

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Azipod, LoveGoli, TooDevastated------  My thoughts and prayers are with you all in getting through another long. lonely weekend. It is going on 11am here and the immediate chores are out of the way and I am looking at the long afternoon. This is so hard, isn't it? Finding ways to keep busy and fill the void our loved ones left behind.

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4 hours ago, KMB said:

Azipod, LoveGoli, TooDevastated------  My thoughts and prayers are with you all in getting through another long. lonely weekend. It is going on 11am here and the immediate chores are out of the way and I am looking at the long afternoon. This is so hard, isn't it? Finding ways to keep busy and fill the void our loved ones left behind.

It is harder than everything I have been through. There is a constant decline in my health too. I can hardly lift an arm let alone do any cleaning. I have no interest in food. There is a numbness all over my body. Oh and the headaches. I guess not being able to sleep properly causes the headaches. I dont know about the rest. 

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6 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

It is harder than everything I have been through. There is a constant decline in my health too. I can hardly lift an arm let alone do any cleaning. I have no interest in food. There is a numbness all over my body. Oh and the headaches. I guess not being able to sleep properly causes the headaches. I dont know about the rest. 

I am having constant pain in my arm and neck, no idea why. 

Its Sunday morning here and again sadness all around , I am tired of this sadness. Do we ever able to feel happy again.

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7 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

 

Its Sunday morning here and again sadness all around , I am tired of this sadness. Do we ever able to feel happy again.

Hi LoveGoli,

Saturday night here.  Spent the morning commuting into the big city. Spent noon time meeting another widow for chat/support.  Then went to see my psychologist for therapy.  Just finished having dinner over at my parents, again for support.

I hate this life. Everything I am doing these days are grief-related activities. It’s such a burden both physically and emotionally.

Its 8pm now.  Getting ready to commute back home.  Going back to the home we created together for each other, except that she’s no longer here.  

What in the world am I going to do with my life?

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1 minute ago, Azipod said:

Hi LoveGoli,

Saturday night here.  Spent the morning commuting into the big city. Spent noon time meeting another widow for chat/support.  Then went to see my psychologist for therapy.  Just finished having dinner over at my parents, again for support.

I hate this life. Everything I am doing these days are grief-related activities. It’s such a burden both physically and emotionally.

Its 8pm now.  Getting ready to commute back home.  Going back to the home we created together for each other, except that she’s no longer here.  

What in the world am I going to do with my life?

We don't have groups here, my whole day spent laying on bed and watching tv. I am so frustated with this same routine, no excitement at all.

World was so beautiful before, everything was so good and now everything gives me frustation.

I learn one thing from this incident that no matter how close your family members with you, no matter how much they love you, this is our pain and our journey and no one can share this with us.

I have to go alone on this grief train, without any destination.

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3 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

We don't have groups here, my whole day spent laying on bed and watching tv. I am so frustated with this same routine, no excitement at all.

World was so beautiful before, everything was so good and now everything gives me frustation.

I learn one thing from this incident that no matter how close your family members with you, no matter how much they love you, this is our pain and our journey and no one can share this with us.

I have to go alone on this grief train, without any destination.

Its a sunday morning here now too. Everyone I know has made plans to do things. I have got nothing to do. 

I want to stay in my cold bed and cry. I want to feel his arms holding me and keeping me warm. He was one of those people that are always warm. It was lovely to grab him in winter and steal some of that warmth. Its unbelievable to think that I'll never be able to do that...

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12 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

It was lovely to grab him in winter and steal some of that warmth. Its unbelievable to think that I'll never be able to do that...

It’s Saturday night just reaching midnight here and I just hopped into our bed.  It’s hitting me so hard at the moment because my mind is telling me that I’m going to be sleeping alone.... forever without her.   I feel so sad with this void in my heart.  Words cannot describe my pain and sadness.

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2 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

Its a sunday morning here now too. Everyone I know has made plans to do things. I have got nothing to do. 

I want to stay in my cold bed and cry. I want to feel his arms holding me and keeping me warm. He was one of those people that are always warm. It was lovely to grab him in winter and steal some of that warmth. Its unbelievable to think that I'll never be able to do that...

You reminded me how cold I feel in winters, my feets always so cold in winters and I used to put my feets on his side so that i can keep them warm. Soon here winters will start and I will be with my cold bed this winter.

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2 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

Thanks KayC for sharing this link. I took 2 headache pills since morning, I wish there was some pill for mental pain as well.

It’s called xanax

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On 9/30/2017 at 0:55 PM, TooDevastated said:

It is harder than everything I have been through. There is a constant decline in my health too. I can hardly lift an arm let alone do any cleaning. I have no interest in food. There is a numbness all over my body. Oh and the headaches. I guess not being able to sleep properly causes the headaches. I dont know about the rest. 

Thank you, KMB.

It's 3pm here Sunday and I'll go through the remainder of Sunday just fine.   I sort of feel like how I did when it was Friday.   In that I just finished completing another period of time.... without my wife with me.   I feel so sad to have to live all these days without her.        These days, I'm just a robot.  I'm doing things just to do things.  There's no purpose.  There's no reward.   I'm just going along with the motions.    It's meaningless.   

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19 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

I learn one thing from this incident that no matter how close your family members with you, no matter how much they love you, this is our pain and our journey and no one can share this with us.

I totally agree with you.  This is our grief and our misfortune.  As much as those who love us, they cannot help us because they don't experience what we are experiencing day in and day out..   We need to go through this journey on our own.   I think this is why this forum is instrumental to our recovery.   Where else can we voice and share our most intimate feelings, thoughts and emotions and yet, have others respond who can understand us?

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19 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

It’s called xanax

:lol: I know several on my other forum that are on it though.  They say they couldn't get by without it.  I guess I'll never know.

I hope you get to feeling better LoveGoli.

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

:lol: I know several on my other forum that are on it though.  They say they couldn't get by without it.  I guess I'll never know.

I hope you get to feeling better LoveGoli.

My mom forced me to meet doctor today and he said I have dipression symptoms, although I don't feel this. He gave me some medicine, which are anti dipression medicine and I am not sure, should I take those medicine or not. Did any of you took anti dipression medicine before. Is it ok to take anti dipression medicine because I read somewhere,  these types of medicines not good.

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