M88

Life after loss

19 posts in this topic

I'd like to share this sentence that I quote from a book called 'Sophie's Legacy'.  This sentence has been stuck on replay in my head since reading it a few days ago.  It makes a nice change from some of the distressing comments made by the unremorseful man who killed my darling when I confronted him.  

The book is written by a local woman whose daughter's life was savagely taken by her (the daughters) ex-partner.  Sophie's Mum relays part of a conversation she had with her grief counsellor.  

<“I asked him if we’d ever move on and he drew a diagram on paper saying the filled-in circle is the event and the outer circle is life. As time goes on, the event stays the same but life gets bigger and wider. While the event never goes away, life surrounding it changes.>

I feel the counsellor answers her question very well.  Maybe this will help others, as it has me.  

18 months ago I was in a very dark place and never in a million years expected to experience any good emotions again.  Yet, I've had a few wee glimpses of pleasure recently which have surprised me and given me hope that more will come my way - eventually.  I no longer feel like that 'stranger to myself' or a 'stranger in my own home' and even in my own bed, that I had been for well over a year after my loss. 

Sending strength and hugs X 

 

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That's a good analogy for the grief we experience. Nothing can alter or change the event. It's all in how we adapt to the changes in our lives. People don't seem to understand that this is no small change we have experienced. It is like no other change we have or will go through. EVERYTHING about our lives is different and people have a hard time contemplating the enormity of it. To top it off, there is nothing we can say to explain our altered state or prepare them for when it happens to them. Nothing. There truly is nothing like the loss of a spouse in it's life changing effects.

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Thank you for sharing! The quote gives grieving a different concept of looking at the bigger picture. It depends on where a person is at in their process. For me, my life has changed drastically, as many here can relate to. The circle of life outside of my "event" has not gotten wider or better by any means. It is more like a barely visible rim around it.. Early times yet to see how the outer circle grows.

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I can appreciate the analogy - it truly never goes away, but its nice to know that there's hope in all this hopelessness.   Thanks for sharing!

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4 hours ago, M88 said:

I asked him if we’d ever move on and he drew a diagram on paper saying the filled-in circle is the event and the outer circle is life. As time goes on, the event stays the same but life gets bigger and wider. While the event never goes away, life surrounding it changes.

Thank you for sharing this, it's a very good way of describing it!

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I can picture this and it totally makes sense.  I just wished my life would grow bigger with my wife and not alone.

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14 hours ago, Azipod said:

I can picture this and it totally makes sense.  I just wished my life would grow bigger with my wife and not alone.

Me too! I didnt want this new miserable world without my boyfriend in it...

I feel like this grieving process is getting used to my new miserable existence and lower and lower and lower my expectations from life.

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16 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

Me too! I didnt want this new miserable world without my boyfriend in it...

I feel like this grieving process is getting used to my new miserable existence and lower and lower and lower my expectations from life.

You might try what I've been practicing since day 11...that is, looking for some good in each day.  Focusing on what IS rather than merely what ISN'T.  It does take concerted effort in the beginning, but then more and more as you practice it, it helps you develop appreciation, which counters the "miserable existence" and instead of lowering your expectations, you realize what good there still is in life.  It doesn't have to be big things, but even just tiny glimpses of good qualify for this practice.  I found it to be lifechanging in how I view and feel about things.

You aren't very far into this journey, I realize it's hard, many are the times it gets to us, yes, even now for me.  I'm suffering infirmities and pain which make it hard to sleep and it does draw my attention to the fact that George is gone and the care he took of me is gone with him...BUT neither do I consider all of life to be past or not worthy of living.  It gets to all of us sometimes, but as Darrel (ole'Misfit) always said, "One foot in front of the other".    We keep going because there's no choice.  None of us asked for or wanted this to happen, NONE of us!  Yet here we are.  I'm glad we have this place to come to and share, it does help knowing there are others going through this, others that get it and care.  I care, I'm sorry you're feeling miserable and wish there was some way I could help you. :(

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Thank you all for sharing your thoughts on the quote.  I dithered over whether to post it or not and am now glad I did.   I feel it may have been written by someone who personally knows and understands the depths of grief.  

My heart aches for us all here on the Indigo forum, but especially so for the newly bereaved - hugs.  We've all been the newly bereaved and know too well the pain, the rawness, the fear of almost anything and everything.  It sits just below the surface of the 'brave front' we've learned to wear.  Those of us who are a few months or years into this terrible ordeal referred to as the grief journey, are learning the art of living just in the day.  It is the most valuable coping strategy that I remind myself of each day.  We are trying to learn there is nothing to be gained from worrying, thinking about what tomorrow or the rest of our lives, may hold.  Our expectations from life were knocked out of us smartly when we lost our much loved soul mates. 

I too have had a tough few days with very little sleep and found myself at times scarily close to the edge of the circle again.  But, having dealt with some issues and accepted I have no control over others (serenity prayer is a godsend even when the word God is replaced with higher power! ) I finally had a reasonable sleep last night.  Today I am pleasantly surprised to find that I haven't lost as much ground outside 'the circle that is the event' as I feared I may have.  The stretchy area outside my circle now feels like my Bank of Healing and Coping - it was kept safe and fairly intact for me to return to after an absence due to turmoil. 

Sending strength and hugs Xx

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10 hours ago, M88 said:

I too have had a tough few days with very little sleep and found myself at times scarily close to the edge of the circle again.

I have been there for the past couple of weeks, and still there. it has been a daily fight to keep myself from falling too far into the grief pit .I don't want to get to the bottom again.

Sending strength and hugs back to you!

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10 hours ago, M88 said:

But, having dealt with some issues and accepted I have no control over others (serenity prayer is a godsend even when the word God is replaced with higher power! ) I finally had a reasonable sleep last night.  

I, too, find much peace from the Serenity Prayer, but I have to remind myself from time to time that I can't change people...it seems I've tried to "teach" people all my life, not sure it's gone anywhere! :)

I slept 6 1/2 hours last night straight through last night and enjoyed feeling rested when I woke up.  That's unusual for me.

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3 hours ago, KayC said:

I slept 6 1/2 hours last night straight through last night and enjoyed feeling rested when I woke up.  That's unusual for me.

I am happy for you, Kay, that you were finally able to get that many hours of sleep! My limit on a good night is 3 hours.:)

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On 11.08.2017 at 2:14 AM, KayC said:

You might try what I've been practicing since day 11...that is, looking for some good in each day.  Focusing on what IS rather than merely what ISN'T.  It does take concerted effort in the beginning, but then more and more as you practice it, it helps you develop appreciation, which counters the "miserable existence" and instead of lowering your expectations, you realize what good there still is in life.  It doesn't have to be big things, but even just tiny glimpses of good qualify for this practice.  I found it to be lifechanging in how I view and feel about things.

You aren't very far into this journey, I realize it's hard, many are the times it gets to us, yes, even now for me.  I'm suffering infirmities and pain which make it hard to sleep and it does draw my attention to the fact that George is gone and the care he took of me is gone with him...BUT neither do I consider all of life to be past or not worthy of living.  It gets to all of us sometimes, but as Darrel (ole'Misfit) always said, "One foot in front of the other".    We keep going because there's no choice.  None of us asked for or wanted this to happen, NONE of us!  Yet here we are.  I'm glad we have this place to come to and share, it does help knowing there are others going through this, others that get it and care.  I care, I'm sorry you're feeling miserable and wish there was some way I could help you. :(

You are very very kind KayC. Part of me wishes that I can see this grief as a positive thing like you do one day...Part of me just hopes that I wont be here for long. 

I dont think the way I see the world unworhty of living is just about losing Bruce. I am heartbroken and devastated that my soulmate is gone and I am left here all alone. But on top of this, I have never closely witnessed a young persons death (and certainly not someone so significant!). One moment he was here, we were having small talks, laughing about daily jokes, and were full of life and love. The next second, they told me he was dead. I still cant comprehend how that can happen... I am still waiting for the phone call he'd give me after football ;(

So I started thinking...We go through all of the stresses and hardships in life...and to what end? Why should I keep myself to do more to achieve more? One day I'll be gone and one day I'll be forgotten just like everyone else.  

And I am heartbroken and grieving for our ever-coming true dreams now. I was stupid enough to believe that I'd have a life 'happily ever after' . That future is gone and has left a big sad hole behind. Every other possible future I might have after this point seems like options I'll have to settle for. 

Thanks for caring, and I wish there was someway anyone could have helped me. 

 

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4 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

.We go through all of the stresses and hardships in life...and to what end? Why should I keep myself to do more to achieve more?

I feel the reason we are here is to learn lessons and to teach lessons. Everything, good and bad, is for our souls growth and eventual eternal life. Whatever you and your beloved learned from each other is for each others higher good. Your beloved was meant to be in your life to learn his final lessons before being called home. You were his final teacher and you should feel honored for that blessing. Now, you are to take what he taught you and teach it to others. The meaning of life is learning unconditional love and passing it along for the better of humanity.

Sorry if this sounds preachy. None of us leave here until we've learned the lessons that were set out for us to learn when we were born. We all have our individual purpose in this life and our soul mates graduated earth school before us.

NO, you are NOT stupid for wanting and believing in a happily ever after. We all have those dreams. But, for some of us, those dreams are not meant to be our reality. Life is a crap shoot.:wub:

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This is all a journey to me...the part of my journey where I had George with me was the happiest part.  I also enjoyed the part of the journey where I had children at home, regardless of what age they were.  Living alone these last 12 years is not my favorite part, that's for sure, it's been challenging, but I've also learned more in the last 12 years than in the rest of my life put together.  George is still with me, he just can't talk to me or hold me, but I know he's helping me through this growing old alone phase.

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6 hours ago, KayC said:

George is still with me, he just can't talk to me or hold me, but I know he's helping me through this growing old alone phase.

I'm sure he is, Kay. I like to think our soul mates become one of our guardian angels until they can meet us at Heaven's door with God.

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On 13.08.2017 at 5:03 AM, KMB said:

I feel the reason we are here is to learn lessons and to teach lessons. Everything, good and bad, is for our souls growth and eventual eternal life. Whatever you and your beloved learned from each other is for each others higher good. Your beloved was meant to be in your life to learn his final lessons before being called home. You were his final teacher and you should feel honored for that blessing. Now, you are to take what he taught you and teach it to others. The meaning of life is learning unconditional love and passing it along for the better of humanity.

That sounds really nice. Although I have absolutely no motivation, I hope I can move to that phase one day. Spreading love and bringing more peace in the world. That was his life goal.

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23 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

That sounds really nice. Although I have absolutely no motivation, I hope I can move to that phase one day. Spreading love and bringing more peace in the world. That was his life goal.

He sounds really great.  A couple of years ago I made some special Christmas cards, they were angels wearing banners that said "Peace on Earth"...I notice it's still up in my doctor's office two years later.  That tells me the message of peace is so important that people proclaim it throughout the year, it is so needed.  (this is one I made, although I made her's with a pink dress because my doctor likes pink :) )
You can move to that phase one day.  Right now it's enough to get up in the morning.  To put one foot in front of the other.  But in time, you will have more energy to devote to life cause.

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That is so sweet, Kay, that your doctor's office still has that card on display!  I only half listen to the news these days. Even with half an ear, it sounds like this country, this world, is fast declining into a hate filled pit of doom. Humanity definitely needs to make peace a priority on a daily basis.

2 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

That sounds really nice. Although I have absolutely no motivation, I hope I can move to that phase one day. Spreading love and bringing more peace in the world. That was his life goal.

Someday, you will be able to do that. To be able to keep on with your beloved's legacy. Right now, you need to take care of yourself first. The rest will follow in its good timing.

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