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Mayra

My boyfriend took his life after our argument in a long distance relationship

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Mayra   

My boyfriend Roberto took his life on 7/19, he was the most wonderful, beautiful soul I had ever met. 

We only dated for 9 intense months, after day 4 he was taking care of me while I was depressed and alone. He quickly moved into my apt. and we were a couple. I met his family and everything seemed like he came from a good functioning family. He loved his mother very much and treated everyone with respect.

Roberto and I would have arguments still getting to know each other and learning each other. We were together every moment of every day. Any free time was with him. We love to hike, bike to ice cream and go to parks.  It was magical being with him. He was the best guy I had ever met. I quickly fell in love and so did he. There were times where i was unsure of the relationship because it was going to fast but, his romance and his eyes would make me swim back to him. 

This June I started a new job in Nevada, we both met in Colorado where we both reside. He was very proud I was pursuing my dream job and he supported me all the way. He was sad I was leaving, and that he would miss me a lot. We talked about communication and trust and we were both sure we could stay strong in the distance. 

The week before he took his life he was very sad he could not see me, I was on assignment for three days with no reception and low battery on my phone. I finally was able to stay in a hotel in Elko, Nevada.  He asked me if I was cheating on him and I would never do that to him.  He was very on edge and I was also physically and mentally tired.  He had broken up with me through a text at the beginning of the week and I told him I needed space but that I still loved him and I was still his. He quickly asked me if I still loved him and I couldn't reply with a yes or no answer.

 I was frustrated with him for being so doubtful in our relationship, and he would freak out on the phone when we would talk, which I would hang up and tell him to call me back when he had his mind clear.  

Last conversation we had he had called my hotel room, which he didn't know which one I was in. Some how he had found out, told me to talk to him and I had already been in bed. I told him he was a creepy for knowing where I was and that  I would talk to him in Denver and to leave me alone.   

That is the last thing I told him, out of anger and tiredness.

He took his life that night I believe, his mom didn't find him until the next day when I kept calling him non stop.  

This is truly a nightmare, my guilt takes over me and tears me apart. I don't trust his family I have anxiety when they call me or text me. My family is worried about me but I want to be alone for all the pain I caused him in his last moments. I now know how he felt because I feel it. I cry at the moon, I tell him to show himself to me and he never does.  He was so good to me and I was a horrible person. 

Can anyone relate is there anyone out there that can help me? 

  

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Mayra, I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are experiencing from this nightmare.  Unless someone has experienced this they do not have a clue what you are going through.  

One does feel tremendous guilt but realize he had issues way before he met you. Millions of people have arguments or disagreements but do not resort to ending their life. He had coping issues which was something within himself and had nothing to do with you. He would have more than likely done the same thing with whoever he was with when times got hard.

Please do not blame yourself. Pray, cry, get counseling, keep busy, exercise, talk about it until you are exhausted talking about it,  be kind to yourself,  give yourself lots of time to begin to heal and to find a new norm.  Your life will never be the same,  your outlook on life will be different and you will have trouble for a while focusing. But it is true that in time the pain you feel will begin to lessen.

May God wrap his arms around you and give you comfort, peace and strength. My thoughts and prayers are with you and write anytime.

Sincerely, Sherry. 

 

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Dear Mayra,

I am deeply sorry for the loss of your boyfriend.  It is a horrific shock.  It is hard to absorb and grasp what was truly going on with him.

You must not blame yourself.  I know its easy to say but in no way was this your fault.  He must of been deeply troubled in a way that you weren't aware of.  We all conceal parts of ourselves even to those we love.  Even when we know them really well, we conceal things.  You couldn't have known anything like this was possible.  Please seek help.  This is too much for you to handle on your own.  I am so sorry for you.

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Morgj   

Sending lots of love and comfort your way, i lost my boyfriend to the horrible depression on August 4th, so i share your pain. will keep you in my thoughts and prayers 

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