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Continuing Bonds - Maybe comforting for some


Mrs. Plummer

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Mrs. Plummer

Hello all - I entered the piece of writing below in a writing competition specifically about grieving. It didn't win, which is okay but I thought I would leave it here for anybody who might find it useful xo

From This Day Forward:
A Widow’s Understanding of Continuing Bonds


The loss of Ken, my beloved husband of thirty years, to cancer in 2016 was so devastating that I am persuaded that the grief may, in varying degrees, be lifelong. However, the speed with which advice to “Let go” and “Move on” reached me was mind-boggling. The first week brought a popular but, in my opinion, excruciatingly awful poem titled Miss Me But Let Me Go.


For many bereaved people, these platitudes are not only unhelpful, but are actively hurtful, and actually counter-intuitive. Having already been forced to “let go” of Ken at the hospital in which he died, the thought of doing it again in any other form, frankly horrified me. And, if “moving on” meant leaving the most intimate friend of my heart behind, well, thanks but no thanks. Imagine, then, my relief upon hearing about continuing bonds – a narrative of grief wherein we may foster and enjoy ongoing relationships with deceased loved ones. Further, we may do so without being perpetually mired in grief; we can move forward and we can take our beloved along with us. Several cultures have routinely practiced this wisdom for millennia - for example, in Manila you'll find little mansions in cemeteries, complete with telephone, TV and toilets, where one can go and have "sleepovers" with their deceased. Children, including my grandsons who like to leave drawings at Pop’s memorial tree, innately understand it. The continuing of bonds seems implicit also in the actions of grievers who have a party for what would have been a darling daughter’s twenty-first birthday, or who put Dad’s picture in front of the TV so he can watch the football with them. People may fear that they’re “weird” for appealing to a long-dead grandmother for help. Ultimately, however, we need nobody else’s permission to find constructive strategies for maintaining that vital attachment. It’s okay, it’s healthy, and to hell with even the best-intentioned earache about “letting go” and “moving on.”


Ways of continuing bonds with loved ones who have passed are myriad, and they don’t necessarily require any religious underpinning. I share news and jokes regularly with my husband. For the first wedding anniversary since Ken’s death, I wrote new vows, promising to love him “From this day forward into eternity.” I’m making a patchwork quilt from his clothes—this, for me, is beautifully symbolic of how our relationship still exists, just in altered form.

Continuing bonds not only allows for an ongoing relationship with a deceased loved one, but also for that relationship to grow and evolve over time. Although my grief is still pretty raw, the possibilities in that bring me truly consoling and restorative hope.


Neither should we fear that continuing the bond means “denial” or not “accepting” the death. Don’t we wake up every morning knowing that it happened? It simply means that there’s no reason to believe that our relationship with a loved one died with that person. It is a relationship, albeit in differing form. And we can have that, and hold it, for always.

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Wow, beautifully expressed from the heart. I will give you our grief family 1st prize!  Thank you for sharing, Louise!

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Very accurate, I like your new vow, it breaks our human nature in order to love him beyond the eternity, I think most of us empathize with this feeling. 

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Wow, beautifully written, Mrs Plummer.  Thanks for sharing with us xx

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Mrs. Plummer
On 09/08/2017 at 0:14 AM, KayC said:

 With your permission, I'd like to save this to share with my grief support group.

Of course, Kay! Anybody can do as they like with it - and thanks for your kind words, folks xo

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Just wanted to add, that I think what you wrote is wonderful. It's a keeper. Very comforting. 

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On 8/9/2017 at 2:28 PM, Mrs. Plummer said:

Of course, Kay! Anybody can do as they like with it - and thanks for your kind words, folks xo

Thank you!  I plan to share it with my grief support group next Wednesday.  

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