Members GhostofLight Posted August 7, 2017 Members Report Share Posted August 7, 2017 Does anyone else feel this way? Bed. Especially at night. I can pretend he's still here with me. I whisper to him. Tell him how much I love him. There are times when I can almost feel him there with me. His skin. His breath. The way his nose wrinkles when he smiles. If I can hug him just right I'll be able to keep him. This time he'll stay. But then I wake up. The other thing about bed is sleep... and I can always hope that this will be the last time. Maybe I won't wake up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members M88 Posted August 7, 2017 Members Report Share Posted August 7, 2017 Yes, I too love my bed and can relate to much of what you feel, apart from the wanting it to be the last time I sleep. It is uncanny that you write about bed at this time as although it is nearly 1.30 am, I've just been laying here thinking about how fortunate I am to still remember his scent, the warmth and feel of his silky skin, the contour of his body and his snoring. How we adored our new quality bed. How he loved cuddles, and how much we chatted and did a crossword in our bed each night. Feeling so at ease with each other and loving our life. I miss my late hubby with every fibre of my body and soul, but I wish to live for many more years. Not just for my awesome adult kids, but for their kids too. Because of the manner in which he was killed, and the poor help I received from the authorities I've had to deal with since, I have years of work ahead of me to make sure no other family has to go through the hell I did. The officer in charge of our case told me last night that one change has already been implemented at his Police Station. We hadn't long done alterations in our bedroom and put in an ensuite, before he ws killed. It was the first time we'd ever been able to create our wee haven exactly as we wanted it - but he's not here to enjoy it It was a long time after his death before I could get comfort from it, but I love it immensely again now - just wish I could actually get some quality sleep. Sending you strength and lots of hugs, Ghost. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 7, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted August 7, 2017 I haven't been able to sleep in my bed these past 12 years since I lost him because it's a huge trigger for me, a reminder of how empty it is, how he isn't there, so I guess we all react differently. Also sleep is harder to come by since he's been gone. I've tried sleeping pills but sometimes they make you drowsy but you still don't sleep so that doesn't help. If I could sleep it away I'd love to, but maybe it's good I can't because instead I've had to deal with it and get through this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted August 7, 2017 Members Report Share Posted August 7, 2017 6 hours ago, GhostofLight said: Does anyone else feel this way? Bed. Especially at night. I can pretend he's still here with me. I whisper to him. Tell him how much I love him. There are times when I can almost feel him there with me. His skin. His breath. The way his nose wrinkles when he smiles. If I can hug him just right I'll be able to keep him. This time he'll stay. But then I wake up. The other thing about bed is sleep... and I can always hope that this will be the last time. Maybe I won't wake up. Every night. I even go as far as putting on one of his nightshirts and putting his favorite cologne on so I can smell the scent he loved. I always tell him I love him and miss him and how hard it is to live without him. Before he left this earth, he would like me to sleep with one leg on him and know since he left, I have a pillow that I will put my leg on just to simulate that position he liked. I play our favorite music that we both loved to sleep by; sometimes I can get through it OK, but other times I'm overwhelmed and consumed by it. The music generally relaxes me and I drift off to sleep only to wake up 2-3 hours later unable to go back. Often, my Charles had trouble going to sleep and call it strange, but it appears I've taken over where he's left off. When I sleep and when I dream, I don't want to wake up; my dreams are where Charles and I are together and happy and all is well; when I wake up, it's to a nightmare - my reality. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted August 8, 2017 Members Report Share Posted August 8, 2017 Ghost---Ditto on your post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JustMe840 Posted August 8, 2017 Members Report Share Posted August 8, 2017 How funny that this is the first post I see tonight. I was just asking Bill, couldn't he come back for just one night to throw his leg over mine and his arm across my chest so I could get a decent night of sleep? I soooooooo miss the weight of him on me when I'm going to sleep, and his smell, and how warm and strong he was. I miss everything about him.....and us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members GhostofLight Posted August 8, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted August 8, 2017 What I want now, more than anything, is sleep. Eternal sleep. Maybe when I sleep I'll dream and I can find him again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mayra Posted August 8, 2017 Members Report Share Posted August 8, 2017 Sleep is currently the only way I see my love, I have so much guilt that every dream for the last 3 weeks I save him. Then I wake up and lay there and cry. I would love to have eternal sleep right now. To be with him again. Suicide loss of my boyfriend has torn me apart, I want the pain to go away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ka9219 Posted August 8, 2017 Members Report Share Posted August 8, 2017 5 hours ago, GhostofLight said: What I want now, more than anything, is sleep. Eternal sleep. Maybe when I sleep I'll dream and I can find him again. I relate too much. Sadly, I slept on his bed but he doesn't slept on my bed -we weren't living together yet- but few days after he passed away I went to his house and laid on his bed for 5 minutes, and I wanted to stay there, close my eyes and never wake up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 8, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted August 8, 2017 I envy those of you who find comfort in sleep, whose dreams are visited by them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted August 8, 2017 Members Report Share Posted August 8, 2017 8 hours ago, Mayra said: Sleep is currently the only way I see my love, I have so much guilt that every dream for the last 3 weeks I save him. Then I wake up and lay there and cry. I would love to have eternal sleep right now. To be with him again. Suicide loss of my boyfriend has torn me apart, I want the pain to go away. Mayra I am so sorry for your pain and I know there is no way you can fully express the pain of losing someone near and dear to you. It seems like in a blink of an eye, your life changed and was turned upside down; you cry often and your heart is broken knowing that he isn't coming back. You feel guilty wondering what you could have done, but know you did nothing wrong. I think people who take their own lives don't necessary want attention, and are not necessarily taking the easy way out. I feel they believe there is absolutely no other choice. The disease has ultimately taken hold of their mind, sucked them into a deep black hole and convinced them that disappearing from this earth would be best thing for everyone involved. It is unfortunate the demons overpowered him and he lost the battle. I think people who die by suicide don't necessarily want to end their lives, they want to end their pain. And there's no way you can make others fully understand the pain you are experiencing, sometimes you don't understand it yourself. All you can do is deal with things the best you can and hope that those close to you will care enough to support you through the most difficult time in your life. Take care of yourself and my prayer is for God to give you hope, strength and peace. Hope that you will get through this; Strength to hold on until you do, and Peace to calm your spirit. . You may not realize this, but your have a inner strength to make it through anything the world throws at you; I know it, I just want you to know it. God Bless you, bless us all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted August 8, 2017 Members Report Share Posted August 8, 2017 16 hours ago, Mayra said: Sleep is currently the only way I see my love, I have so much guilt that every dream for the last 3 weeks I save him. Then I wake up and lay there and cry. I would love to have eternal sleep right now. To be with him again. Suicide loss of my boyfriend has torn me apart, I want the pain to go away. Mayra, I understand your pain and suffering.The only one who can relieve our pain, is the one who is no longer with us. It is a very hard concept for our mind to deal with, to process and adapt to. I had quite a few dreams in the beginning where I was trying to save my husband, nurse him back to good health. The dreams were my mind's way of processing the guilt feelings I had. I've worked my way through the guilt feelings, thank goodness! Now that some of the brain fog has lifted, I am able to think logically on the real reason my husband passed over. I did my best in taking care of him and he knew it and expressed that appreciation to me. Grieving does take control over our whole being. Time, patience, self care, self effort, is what it takes to keep going on this unwanted new path. I wish that I could sleep. Insomnia issues are still with me. When I don't sleep for 3 or 4 nights, then I will get deep sleep for 2 or 3 hours. Otherwise, I'm lucky to get an hour here or there. Sending prayers of comfort to you. (HUGS) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eagle-96 Posted August 9, 2017 Members Report Share Posted August 9, 2017 Sleep is a foreign concept for me now. I sleep for short bursts but rarely deep enough to dream or get any real rest. The great paradox is that I'm always exhausted but find it hard to get to sleep. If I don't wake up 8 or 9 times a night I consider it a success. Just one of the many new realities of our life in grief and yet another thing people don't understand about us. People see us tired and lethargic all the time and don't understand why we don't just get some sleep. Simple concept right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.