Hello again and an upsetting online experience

[Mrs. Plummer]

Dear People, It's nice to be here to speak to you again.

I've only posted here once since my wedding anniversary in February (a time when you were all very helpful), but I've lurked from time to time, and hope that I now have some more energy for giving support, and posting coherently.

I'm now nine months post the loss of my Ken in November last year, and have made some progress. One of the best things is understanding that taking steps toward healing will NOT make me "forget" him. I'm still very sad a lot, but I now trust my ability to survive it

Could I please ask for some support with something?

I joined a Facebook group for widowed people, which purported to be a safe place. I was a bit dubious about it because they seemed quite pushy about dating. Then one of my friends posted there that she is sick of people pushing dating talk at her; as far as she's concerned, she still feels married to her husband. Many of us feel the same way - we're just not interested in anybody else, and telling us what we may or may not do in future is completely irrelevant. I'm sick of it too - I wish people would exercise some basic widow etiquette, and let widowed people be the ones to introduce the topic of dating if they wish to. They need to hear that a widow may be lonely without presenting dating/repartnering as an immediate cure. That's just basic respect - it's meeting somebody where they're at. I imagine that there are others here who will explode if they hear "Never say never" again.

Anyway. the response of the  moderators of this group was to post a public shaming post, stating that those of us who still feel married and are sick of dating talk are "stuck" and "negative" and just wanting support to keep grieving. Further, for those of us who still feel married, the law, they informed us, says we are not married anymore so that's it - we aren't. Then, (I think - I was reading through a red haze) they compared saying "I had the best and I'm not interested in anybody else" to steak eating! I felt so sick and angry, and told them that perhaps they had better stop advertising the group as a safe place for widowed people and instead say it is only a safe place for people who are healing in the way that THEY consider appropriate. Then I left.

I'm very shaken, and a bit afraid of putting this out here, but past experience reminded me that it will be safe to do so.

I love my Ken, and where I'm at right now is building and growing my ongoing bond with him in whatever way possible. That's what's most important to me. I perceive that there's a real taboo around those of us who consider ourselves still married, and I know I am not "stuck" or "negative" (my own counsellor admires my proactivity). Healing, for me, is only possible because I know I can continue some sort of a relationship with my sweetheart, albeit in altered form. Why is love and commitment so much less valid because he died?

Thankyou for listening and hugs if wanted to anybody else dealing with this

Louise xo

[KMB]

Sounds like a site to stay away from. I joined one of those groups early on, just before I joined this forum. There apparently were asshole guys trolling that site and I was receiving messages that are not worthy of repeating. I deleted myself from that garbage. It was supposed to be a safe, monitored site as well. WRONG!!  The comments from other women were similar to your experience. Some were bragging and quite catty about it. I figure these women couldn't have truly known soulmate love with their deceased husbands. I don't have anything against finding companionship, a new love, but some sensitivity, compassion, needs to be expressed along with giving hope that it is possible. In my heart, I am still my husband's wife. I still wear my wedding ring. Piss off on anyone who dare says otherwise. They have no clue and probably never will.

Aside from that, it is so nice to hear from you, Louise! It is so heartening that you having been taking the steps in learning to survive this tragedy of loss. In 2 weeks, it will be a year for me. I cannot believe it, but the calendar isn't lying. Sometimes, I feel it is still the first few days. My emotions still bounce back and forth for me, but I will admit, I am not the constant crying basket case I was in the early months. I still have my meltdowns, I just go with them and pull myself back up and try to keep going.

1 hour ago, Mrs. Plummer said:

Why is love and commitment so much less valid because he died?

My take on that is because people require the physical presence. I miss my husband's physical presence every second, but I have come to recognize that our spiritual bond is quite strong, always will be. I talk to my husband via my thoughts and also out loud. I feel his presence quite frequently. He is always going to be with me until we are reunited. This type of communication, this bond, isn't easy to explain. It is just a "knowing", an "awareness".

PRAYERS and HUGS going out to you, Louise. Hang in there, we will trudge this journey together.

[Autocharge]

4 hours ago, Mrs. Plummer said:

I'm very shaken, and a bit afraid of putting this out here, but past experience reminded me that it will be safe to do so.

Mrs. Plummer, We are here. We do not judge .  Ask , rant, speak your mind.

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[KayC]

15 hours ago, Mrs. Plummer said:

Dear People, It's nice to be here to speak to you again.

I've only posted here once since my wedding anniversary in February (a time when you were all very helpful), but I've lurked from time to time, and hope that I now have some more energy for giving support, and posting coherently.

I'm now nine months post the loss of my Ken in November last year, and have made some progress. One of the best things is understanding that taking steps toward healing will NOT make me "forget" him. I'm still very sad a lot, but I now trust my ability to survive it

Could I please ask for some support with something?

I joined a Facebook group for widowed people, which purported to be a safe place. I was a bit dubious about it because they seemed quite pushy about dating. Then one of my friends posted there that she is sick of people pushing dating talk at her; as far as she's concerned, she still feels married to her husband. Many of us feel the same way - we're just not interested in anybody else, and telling us what we may or may not do in future is completely irrelevant. I'm sick of it too - I wish people would exercise some basic widow etiquette, and let widowed people be the ones to introduce the topic of dating if they wish to. They need to hear that a widow may be lonely without presenting dating/repartnering as an immediate cure. That's just basic respect - it's meeting somebody where they're at. I imagine that there are others here who will explode if they hear "Never say never" again.

Anyway. the response of the  moderators of this group was to post a public shaming post, stating that those of us who still feel married and are sick of dating talk are "stuck" and "negative" and just wanting support to keep grieving. Further, for those of us who still feel married, the law, they informed us, says we are not married anymore so that's it - we aren't. Then, (I think - I was reading through a red haze) they compared saying "I had the best and I'm not interested in anybody else" to steak eating! I felt so sick and angry, and told them that perhaps they had better stop advertising the group as a safe place for widowed people and instead say it is only a safe place for people who are healing in the way that THEY consider appropriate. Then I left.

I'm very shaken, and a bit afraid of putting this out here, but past experience reminded me that it will be safe to do so.

I love my Ken, and where I'm at right now is building and growing my ongoing bond with him in whatever way possible. That's what's most important to me. I perceive that there's a real taboo around those of us who consider ourselves still married, and I know I am not "stuck" or "negative" (my own counsellor admires my proactivity). Healing, for me, is only possible because I know I can continue some sort of a relationship with my sweetheart, albeit in altered form. Why is love and commitment so much less valid because he died?

Thankyou for listening and hugs if wanted to anybody else dealing with this

Louise xo

Louise,

First let me say I am so glad to hear from you, it seems like a long time!  I am SO SORRY for this horrid experience you had!  The moderator of that group is abominable, no other way to put it!  To shame you, to disregard your feelings, to assume anything, is just so inappropriate!  No one should suggest dating to someone who is grieving, all the more so if they are newly grieving.  OMG, I can't believe that a site that purports to be a safe place for widows grieving would think this is okay!  So NOT!  It is fine for some to want to date, but many do not want to.  They were going along in life, happily married and all of a sudden through no fault of their own, their world is pulled out from under them!  Of COURSE you still feel married!  It takes much time and effort to process this loss.  Our marital status seeps in little by little, but many, even though they know the law regards them as unmarried (we get our first rude awakening at the social security office when they pronounce us single, and the second when we have to file our taxes as such. )   Even the IRS is more understanding than that, letting us claim them that first year of widowhood.

I can safely assume that the moderator does not have a degree in thanatology.

I don't know why some people feel so bent on telling other people how to live, it's more than annoying.  Maybe they are so unable to manage their own lives they see fit to try to manage others, I don't know.  

Rant away, you have every right to!

[Francine]

 

19 hours ago, Mrs. Plummer said:

stating that those of us who still feel married and are sick of dating talk are "stuck" and "negative" and just wanting support to keep grieving. Further, for those of us who still feel married, the law, they informed us, says we are not married anymore so that's it - we aren't. Then, (I think - I was reading through a red haze) they compared saying "I had the best and I'm not interested in anybody else" to steak eating!

WHAT!  Maybe I shouldn't go there - by that pisses me off!  How dare they.  I have been married to my Charles for 45 years, and still consider myself married; I don't care who and what says differently.  If I wanted to date (that sounds so strange to say), I'd think I'd know it and I'll be d _mned if I going to let anyone push me into it.  Kudos to you for telling them exactly what you thought of their "Safe Place for Widowed People" website.   Personally, I don't think I could have been so refined as you.  Making statement like those shows me how insensitive people are and I'd asked them to stop being stupid without considering how incredibly difficult that must be for them. 

If dating is your thing, that's fine and I'd be the first to support you in that; but if I choose not to date, don't you dare tell me I'm *Stuck* and *Negative*.  My God, my faith, my Charles and this website are what's helping me get through horrific deal not some website like theirs.

[Mrs. Plummer]

Thankyou for your kindness, lovely people. I feel better today - I was just so shocked and appalled by that site. I sat there shaking with disbelief, and then rage kicked in. I just could not believe the judgementality. I'd been a bit dubious about frequent references to "negativity" on that page - I think there needs to be safe places for people who have been hurt in the catastrophic way that we have, to be very very sad, and admit that sometimes everything seems pointless without our sweethearts. It's not necessarily "negative", just being honest about where somebody is at. Don't we face enough pressure out in the world, to be seen to be "getting on with life?" On this journey, I've certainly learned that mine is not to question how other people view their situations, or the thoughts they have that literally help them survive, such as "I can still have a kind of relationship with my deceased loved one".

You are terrific - thankyou for supporting me xxoo

 

[KayC]

I wish I knew the site so I could give them a piece of my mind!  ...but I suppose I don't have any to spare.  

For 12 years I've belonged to a site run by a professional grief counselor.  (I see you joined that site once but never posted.)  The FB site goes against everything I have learned there!  

I thought of this article:
http://blog.griefrecoverymethod.com/blog/2015/02/14-things-you-should-and-should-not-say-widows-and-widowers 

While it has helped me tremendously to get a dog, I wouldn't recommend it right away, a person will know if it's right for them and when...it's not for everyone.  I already had one when George died, she grieved for him as well.  The one I have now brings me smiles, someone to come home to, he's goofy and loving, perfect for me!  We have little energy or "want to" when it comes to our old hobbies, let alone conceive of starting new ones!  I've made cards for over 30 years, and when George died, my pastor's wife and her friend came to my house every Tuesday evening for a year to "teach" them stamp art.  I realize later it was their way of spending time with me and trying to get my interest in something, I appreciate that.  Even now, 12 years later, I find little allure in my old hobby, making a card only as I need one and not for "fun" like I once did.  If I had someone to do it with, I might feel different, but then it's not about the hobby, it's about spending time with someone.

[Mrs. Plummer]

On 08/08/2017 at 11:48 PM, KayC said:

I wish I knew the site so I could give them a piece of my mind!  ...but I suppose I don't have any to spare.  

For 12 years I've belonged to a site run by a professional grief counselor.  (I see you joined that site once but never posted.)  The FB site goes against everything I have learned there!  

I thought of this article:
http://blog.griefrecoverymethod.com/blog/2015/02/14-things-you-should-and-should-not-say-widows-and-widowers 

While it has helped me tremendously to get a dog, I wouldn't recommend it right away, a person will know if it's right for them and when...it's not for everyone.  I already had one when George died, she grieved for him as well.  The one I have now brings me smiles, someone to come home to, he's goofy and loving, perfect for me!  We have little energy or "want to" when it comes to our old hobbies, let alone conceive of starting new ones!  I've made cards for over 30 years, and when George died, my pastor's wife and her friend came to my house every Tuesday evening for a year to "teach" them stamp art.  I realize later it was their way of spending time with me and trying to get my interest in something, I appreciate that.  Even now, 12 years later, I find little allure in my old hobby, making a card only as I need one and not for "fun" like I once did.  If I had someone to do it with, I might feel different, but then it's not about the hobby, it's about spending time with someone.

Ah, yes, Kay, I think you're referring to Marty Tousley's forum? I love her articles.

I have a cat who was given to me after Ken died - she has given me a few smiles that In wouldn't otherwise have had. I didn't know if I could handle the responsibility, but I'm very happy to have Punkin I don't think it's for everybody either thugh.

Thankyou for the "what not to say" article xo

 

[KayC]

Yes, she has a great collection of articles and has been a tremendous help over the years.  I'm glad you have Punkin!