Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

Never Ending Pain


Numb and Lost

Recommended Posts

  • Members
Numb and Lost

I haven't posted in a while. I don't know what my purpose in it is today except for I'm just tired of talking to my friends who don't get it. Today I feel like I'm just filled with this terrible anger. It's an anger towards those who don't understand how I feel. This pain isn't something that can go away. They don't understand what it feels like to remember someone so vividly as if he is still here, his voice, his mannerisms, and all of the memories, and yet know I can never have any of that ever again on this earth. It's been over 7 months now and there hasn't been one day that has gone by without tears, not one. I have a few okay days and then I wake up the next day shocked by the harsh reality that this will never change and nothing can ever be okay. I work, care for my family, my home...I live, but everything just feels pointless. I live, but I don't have life in me like before. I will never ever be the me I was. I just feel hollow like an empty shell. I even smile and laugh sometimes and then I find myself staring into the distance remembering my pain. I can hide the pain but it's always there. I just miss him so much. I try to keep hope in seeing him again in heaven but it's  hard to look forward to something when I can't fathom what it will be like or how people will know and love one another there. It's also hard to feel comfort in that hope when it could be so far away. I'm 34 so it could be 50 years or more before I see him again. I wish I didn't live every day just trying to make it through until the next but I know I will never stop missing him and this pain will never go away. Nobody understands what he meant to me and how much I cared for him. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I understand everything you said and exactly what you meant. What's the point of living when your reason to get up in the morning is gone? Every day is a nightmare. Just crossing off one more until I die. I can't imagine having to do this for another 50 years. I'll jump in front of train way before that. You aren't alone

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
1 hour ago, Numb and Lost said:

I just miss him so much. I try to keep hope in seeing him again in heaven but it's  hard to look forward to something when I can't fathom what it will be like or how people will know and love one another there. It's also hard to feel comfort in that hope when it could be so far away. I'm 34 so it could be 50 years or more before I see him again.

Our souls will always be connected to our loved ones. The recognition will be there instantly and they will be there to meet us when it is our turn to go to Heaven. Heaven is all love, peace and harmony. A beautiful place. I know it seems like we will be here, without them, for a too long of a time. it is up to God when He calls us home and all we can do is keep trying to survive the best we can until then.

Thank you for posting and letting us know you are still doing as well as can be expected. You know I have always been concerned for you since I know how difficult your situation is.

2 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

Nobody understands what he meant to me and how much I cared for him. 

We understand. He knows, you know, God knows, and so do we. That is what matters.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I am so sorry for your loss.  I agree with everything you said - I feel the same way.  Days go by mind numbingly slowly.  I go from feeling completely numb one moment to feeling as though my soul is being wrenched from my body the next.  No one understands what I'm going through.  But that is why I came here - because people here do understand and maybe can bring some iota of hope, because mine is gone.  I am new to the site but I am hoping it will help, if even in some small way.  I think we need all the help and support we can get to somehow survive the loss of our partners and the futures we had planned with them.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Thank you, RWT. I know your loss is fresh, raw for you. And here you are, putting your heart and compassion out there for others, amidst your own pain. That is why this forum is so important to so many. We all "get it". We each give and receive what we need from each other.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Numb and Lost
4 hours ago, KMB said:

Our souls will always be connected to our loved ones. The recognition will be there instantly and they will be there to meet us when it is our turn to go to Heaven. Heaven is all love, peace and harmony. A beautiful place. I know it seems like we will be here, without them, for a too long of a time. it is up to God when He calls us home and all we can do is keep trying to survive the best we can until then.

Thank you for posting and letting us know you are still doing as well as can be expected. You know I have always been concerned for you since I know how difficult your situation is.

We understand. He knows, you know, God knows, and so do we. That is what matters.

Thank you KMB. I hope he knows. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
6 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

I will never ever be the me I was.

So true, but do you want to be?   For me, that person died when my Charles was taken from this earth; she just was not buried.  That *me* loved life and with Charles by my side, could face any challenge life through my way.  That *me* was happy and looking forward to our *golden* years together. I'm not the same soul I once was; a lot has changed and a lot had to change.  Why? Because that *me* was seriously wounded and the pain is relentless.  It doesn't really matter now who I used to be, all that matters is who I have become.  I don't know this person and I don't think I want to know her; she is quite the opposite of her former self. 

Have I changed? I sure have; after all pain makes people change.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Numb and Lost
3 hours ago, RWT143 said:

I am so sorry for your loss.  I agree with everything you said - I feel the same way.  Days go by mind numbingly slowly.  I go from feeling completely numb one moment to feeling as though my soul is being wrenched from my body the next.  No one understands what I'm going through.  But that is why I came here - because people here do understand and maybe can bring some iota of hope, because mine is gone.  I am new to the site but I am hoping it will help, if even in some small way.  I think we need all the help and support we can get to somehow survive the loss of our partners and the futures we had planned with them.  

Thank you. I'm sorry for your loss as well. You describe it well, numb one min and your souls being wrenched the next. I've said that all along, that I feel part of my soul has been ripped away. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Numb and Lost
5 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I understand everything you said and exactly what you meant. What's the point of living when your reason to get up in the morning is gone? Every day is a nightmare. Just crossing off one more until I die. I can't imagine having to do this for another 50 years. I'll jump in front of train way before that. You aren't alone

I feel like I spend so much time just trying to make sense of something that can't be made sense of.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Numb and Lost
3 minutes ago, Francine said:

So true, but do you want to be?   For me, that person died when my Charles was taken from this earth; she just was not buried.  That *me* loved life and with Charles by my side, could face any challenge life through my way.  That *me* was happy and looking forward to our *golden* years together. I'm not the same soul I once was; a lot has changed and a lot had to change.  Why? Because that *me* was seriously wounded and the pain is relentless.  It doesn't really matter now who I used to be, all that matters is who I have become.  I don't know this person and I don't think I want to know her; she is quite the opposite of her former self. 

Have I changed? I sure have; after all pain makes people change.  

I don't know how anyone can ever be truly happy again after experiencing pain like this. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
32 minutes ago, Numb and Lost said:

I hope he knows. 

The both of you loved and cared for each other while he was here. That has not changed. They can see us and hear us. He will always love you from Heaven. :wub:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I feel the same way,it's been a little over two months since I lost my husband. The pain is never ending. I can't imagine the rest of my life feeling this way. I try so hard to put one foot in front of the other but this feeling of emptiness is so overwhelming. I just miss him so much. I don't know how I am going to make it through. My heart goes out to all of you here. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
20 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

I haven't posted in a while. I don't know what my purpose in it is today except for I'm just tired of talking to my friends who don't get it. Today I feel like I'm just filled with this terrible anger. It's an anger towards those who don't understand how I feel. This pain isn't something that can go away. They don't understand what it feels like to remember someone so vividly as if he is still here, his voice, his mannerisms, and all of the memories, and yet know I can never have any of that ever again on this earth.

I will never ever be the me I was. I just feel hollow like an empty shell. I even smile and laugh sometimes and then I find myself staring into the distance remembering my pain. 

They will never understand the change we go through. We are forever altered. When we meet our soulmates we go through gradual changes in personality, interests, emotions. People don't always notice these changes because they happen slowly over time. When our soulmate died, we changed drastically and rapidly. Sometimes family and friends don't recognize us. They don't even know who we are anymore. We didn't want to change. We didn't have a choice in the matter. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
21 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

I don't know how anyone can ever be truly happy again after experiencing pain like this. 

I feel you and I don't think I'll ever be truly happy again and I can live with that; getting to be *OK* again is what I'm striving for.  Keep me uplifted in prayer; that's all that can help me; I think that's all that can help all of us.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
22 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

I haven't posted in a while. I don't know what my purpose in it is today except for I'm just tired of talking to my friends who don't get it. Today I feel like I'm just filled with this terrible anger. It's an anger towards those who don't understand how I feel. This pain isn't something that can go away. They don't understand what it feels like to remember someone so vividly as if he is still here, his voice, his mannerisms, and all of the memories, and yet know I can never have any of that ever again on this earth. It's been over 7 months now and there hasn't been one day that has gone by without tears, not one. I have a few okay days and then I wake up the next day shocked by the harsh reality that this will never change and nothing can ever be okay. I work, care for my family, my home...I live, but everything just feels pointless. I live, but I don't have life in me like before. I will never ever be the me I was. I just feel hollow like an empty shell. I even smile and laugh sometimes and then I find myself staring into the distance remembering my pain. I can hide the pain but it's always there. I just miss him so much. I try to keep hope in seeing him again in heaven but it's  hard to look forward to something when I can't fathom what it will be like or how people will know and love one another there. It's also hard to feel comfort in that hope when it could be so far away. I'm 34 so it could be 50 years or more before I see him again. I wish I didn't live every day just trying to make it through until the next but I know I will never stop missing him and this pain will never go away. Nobody understands what he meant to me and how much I cared for him. 

Numb and Lost,

It's so good to hear from you again, I'd wondered about you!  You're at seven months, they say around six months is one of the hardest times because that's when reality fully kicks in, of course it may be four months or eight, there is no set timetable or one size fits all.  But in light of that, it's no wonder you're struggling.  No, your friends can't get it.  I was 52 when my husband died, and they live well into their 90s in my family, so I remember thinking I could have another 40 years of this!  That was daunting, until I reminded myself to stick to today, and try not to worry about all of the tomorrows, today has enough to deal with.  One day at a time, that's how I've had to do this, now I'm at 12 years and I imagine I will still have to take one day at a time the rest of my life.

Last night for one brief second I felt happy.  That's about it, it's one second snatches here and there, but I'll take any of those I can get no matter how brief.  It's very different from the happy state I was in when George was here.

I don't worry about heaven, it's supposed to be perfect and that's hard to imagine when all we've ever known is imperfection, but just being reunited with George is enough perfection for me.  God will work out the logistics.  My brain isn't big enough to figure it all out, so I trust and rest in Him.

I don't feel the pain I felt in the earlier years, I've adjusted as much as one can, but I do miss him and the being totally alone gets old.  I rarely cry anymore but it still hits now and then, and I can't predict when it will hit.  Some don't like hearing it gets "better" and I guess that's not an appropriate word because it's not like we get them back so how can it be better, but it feels like the grief journey isn't quite as hard once we've put in the time and effort in our grief work.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Numb and Lost

KayC every time I start thinking about years to come I always remember you telling me to just think about today :) so I try to kick the thoughts out when they come but it's hard to do of course. Average age on both my mother and father's side of the family is around 85. 

No one having not been through this could ever comprehend the feelings we have. I can't even put my struggles and thoughts into words. I think about him and I try to push the memories away because there isn't any point in thinking about someone I can never see or talk to again. I have dark thoughts that "he isn't real" anymore. Constantly I'm trying to process how it's possible that he is gone. I can hear his voice in my mind, and I remember things so clearly and I feel those feeling I had in those moments. I still "feel" him, and yet I tell myself I can't love someone that isn't here anymore. I still don't listen to the radio. I hear songs with the sentimental lyrics and I don't want to hear them because I can't have thoughts like that for someone who "doesn't exist" anymore. I know that is a lie. I know he does exist but I just hear that dark voice in my mind repeating those words. Sometimes I get so deep in my memories I find myself smiling about something he said, or overthinking and analyzing something he said like us women tend to do. I get so lost in my thoughts and then suddenly I realize it doesn't matter anymore because I'll never talk to him again. For those that already know my complicated situation, it makes it so much harder because I still feel guilty in so many different ways. I don't know if it is even right for me to hold on to him so tightly or to even look forward to seeing him in heaven. Even now the shock of it all hits me and it's so overwhelming even after 7 months. I just can't believe something I feared so much came true I can't stop trying to make sense of it. I can't stop thinking about what his last thoughts might have been or if he had time to be scared. I wonder if he can think of me now. I am a Christian and I have found that some Christians believe in soul sleep which is very unsettling to me. Although I don't believe in it at all, it still creeps into my mind and makes me upset. 

I don't know how to think about him and that is what is upsetting me the most. I don't understand how I should feel. I just don't know how to accept that I can't see him or talk to him again. My heart feels like this just can't be right. I "feel" him still, and yet I don't at the same time. Everything in my life is before and after. I'm sure everyone is familiar with that feeling. Even in my phone when I look at pictures, not of him but of anything, I think "that was before" and I can't look at them. Sometimes I wish I could go to his grave but at the same time I think it would upset me further if I did. The idea of him being cremated is very upsetting to me. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
8 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

I try to kick the thoughts out when they come but it's hard to do of course.

That's what I do too!  The thoughts come unbidden but I reject them and go back to TODAY, it's really all I can handle anyway. 
 

 

8 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

I have dark thoughts that "he isn't real"

There've been times I feel like maybe I made him up, maybe he never was a part of my life, and I physically have gone to the file drawer and looked at his birth certificate, our marriage certificate, his death certificate, pictures of him.  I see his handwriting.  Nope, he's real.  He really lived, he was really my husband, he's just gone to be with God ahead of me and I have to wait.
 

 

8 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

I can't love someone that isn't here anymore.

Yeah?  I do, our love didn't die when his body gave out.  We still love each other, nothing changed that.

So if there's soul sleep, perhaps there's dreams and he can still think of me.  Try not to worry unduly about the stuff we can't understand, take it as a given you will be with him again and it will all be good.  All that is right and good about your relationship will be kept!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Numb and Lost

KayC thank you for your encouraging words. When I say I get those dark thoughts that he "isn't real" I know that he was. I also look at pictures, and the one thing I have which is a snapshot of our text message. That's when the thought creeps in....."but he isn't real now" I know that isn't true and I refute it in my mind as soon as I think it, nevertheless it creeps in again. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
TooDevastated

Numb and Lost,

I can relate to exactly how you feel. The thought of living for decade without my boyfriend seems so scarry. It has only been a little over a month since he died and I am already afraid that I might forget precious little details about him as days go by. 

I feel lucky now that my family is full of people with cancers and brain tumors. With any 'luck', I'll reunite with him soon. This pain is too much to handle and it will never ever become easy, will it?.. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Numb and Lost
11 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

Numb and Lost,

I can relate to exactly how you feel. The thought of living for decade without my boyfriend seems so scarry. It has only been a little over a month since he died and I am already afraid that I might forget precious little details about him as days go by. 

I feel lucky now that my family is full of people with cancers and brain tumors. With any 'luck', I'll reunite with him soon. This pain is too much to handle and it will never ever become easy, will it?.. 

I wish I could tell you that it gets easier but it hasn't in my case. It hurts just as bad as the day I found out it's just a different kind of hurt. In that first month I literally could not function, I didn't eat at all. Now I function, I work, care for my family, still have some times with zero appetite but it's better than it was, but I live in a melancholy state. I have times daily that the shock hits me and I feel like I'm suffocating all over again. One of my biggest fears has also been forgetting the little details, or that one day he will become a memory that is so distant it will feel like a dream. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
10 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

I wish I could tell you that it gets easier but it hasn't in my case. It hurts just as bad as the day I found out it's just a different kind of hurt. In that first month I literally could not function, I didn't eat at all. Now I function, I work, care for my family, still have some times with zero appetite but it's better than it was, but I live in a melancholy state. I have times daily that the shock hits me and I feel like I'm suffocating all over again. One of my biggest fears has also been forgetting the little details, or that one day he will become a memory that is so distant it will feel like a dream. 

Right there with you. I fear that I will forget what her laugh sounds like. How it felt to be in her arms. The butterflies when I saw her smile. I too wonder sometimes if those fourteen years really happened. I mean, I know they did but I question if she was really here. It all seems like such a blur now. The thought of 30 + years without her seems like more than I can bear sometimes.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
23 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

KayC thank you for your encouraging words. When I say I get those dark thoughts that he "isn't real" I know that he was. I also look at pictures, and the one thing I have which is a snapshot of our text message. That's when the thought creeps in....."but he isn't real now" I know that isn't true and I refute it in my mind as soon as I think it, nevertheless it creeps in again. 

Just keep refuting it.  It's the enemy speaking, don't give him heed.

You say you wish you could say it's gotten better but it hasn't in your case.  It's much too soon for it to feel any "better", but I'm not sure that's an apt word when it comes to grief.  The only way this could truly be better is if they showed up alive again!  But we do eventually adjust to this new life we have now, and we get better at coping, if we put forth the effort into our grief work...it doesn't necessarily magically happen with the passage of time.  Many things we can do to help us, see a grief counselor, go to a grief support group, journal, read/post in grief forum, cry, express ourselves, rituals/memorializing, I even did art therapy.  Doing nothing brings nothing results.  We can't ignore our grief!  And I say this not to you because I know you do not ignore your grief, I say this to others who might be tempted to.  

Eagle, 

Isn't it weird how we all seem to feel that same thing, "were they really here???"  Weird!

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Numb and Lost
8 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

Right there with you. I fear that I will forget what her laugh sounds like. How it felt to be in her arms. The butterflies when I saw her smile. I too wonder sometimes if those fourteen years really happened. I mean, I know they did but I question if she was really here. It all seems like such a blur now. The thought of 30 + years without her seems like more than I can bear sometimes.

There is one short video one of his friends posted on Facebook that has his voice in it. That's all I have to remember it, although right now I can hear it clearly in my head. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Numb and Lost
7 hours ago, KayC said:

Just keep refuting it.  It's the enemy speaking, don't give him heed.

You say you wish you could say it's gotten better but it hasn't in your case.  It's much too soon for it to feel any "better", but I'm not sure that's an apt word when it comes to grief.  The only way this could truly be better is if they showed up alive again!  But we do eventually adjust to this new life we have now, and we get better at coping, if we put forth the effort into our grief work...it doesn't necessarily magically happen with the passage of time.  Many things we can do to help us, see a grief counselor, go to a grief support group, journal, read/post in grief forum, cry, express ourselves, rituals/memorializing, I even did art therapy.  Doing nothing brings nothing results.  We can't ignore our grief!  And I say this not to you because I know you do not ignore your grief, I say this to others who might be tempted to.  

Eagle, 

Isn't it weird how we all seem to feel that same thing, "were they really here???"  Weird!

 

The grief counselor never worked for me, but running helps clear my head. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
TooDevastated
7 minutes ago, Numb and Lost said:

There is one short video one of his friends posted on Facebook that has his voice in it. That's all I have to remember it, although right now I can hear it clearly in my head. 

How I wish I had recorded us together..having a laugh, looking at a statue in a museum or cooking or anything...

I will go through my old laptop and his laptop soon when I find the strength. I wish I can find a miraculous video or something. :/

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
3 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

The grief counselor never worked for me, but running helps clear my head. 

Running is a good outlet. Like you said, it clears the mind. Exercise and fresh air are other perks. Some time has passed, maybe try a different grief counselor?   (HUGS)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

Exercise is a great stress reliever and helps us feel better, so if that helps you, by all means, keep it up!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
On 8/7/2017 at 10:13 PM, Numb and Lost said:

I am a Christian and I have found that some Christians believe in soul sleep which is very unsettling to me. Although I don't believe in it at all, it still creeps into my mind and makes me upset. 

Whether it is or isn't I see as of no consequence, the fact remains they continue to exist and just as we sleep and sometimes enter each other's dreams and somehow communicate, whether our bodies are asleep or not, we still have thoughts and communication.

I see you quoted Sean @Eagle-96 I was just wondering about him the other day, have not seen either of you here for quite a while.  I see people come and go, I often wonder what makes them drop off, perhaps they don't see the point or aren't feeling helped anymore.  Whatever the case, they're missed, I wish everyone would drop by once in a while and let us know how they're doing.  Sometimes their advancement helps other have some hope.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
2 hours ago, KayC said:

I see people come and go, I often wonder what makes them drop off, perhaps they don't see the point or aren't feeling helped anymore.  Whatever the case, they're missed, I wish everyone would drop by once in a while and let us know how they're doing.  Sometimes their advancement helps other have some hope.

I have often wondered that myself.  So many posts from awhile ago resonate with what I'm feeling/experiencing now at 5 months in and I get curious how they are, now further in their journey.  I appreciate how you are so faithful to this forum, KayC.  You help so many of us.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.