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RWT143

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I can't live without him. He was my life and my future.  I can't imagine minutes from now, never mind days, weeks, months from now without him being by my side.  My love, my soul mate, of 19 years died on July 8th.  I am broken.  My heart. My soul.   All I want is to go with him.  I get angry when people ask how I'm doing, because they don't want, nor could they handle, the honest answer.  But, I have a 5yr old and my 80yr old father who need me.  How do I keep from resenting them for preventing me from the only thing I know can reunite me with the only person  who helped make this world tolerable?  Every night I cry myself to sleep begging to be with him.  Every day I wake up and slowly remember he is gone.  I went back to work last week - I can't focus or get anything accomplished.  I cry openly in front of friends,  family,  strangers.  All I can do is try to survive, one minute at a time.  I am scared I'll forget memories, his face, his voice...  it is breaking my soul.

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Hi RWT I am so sorry for your loss, losing someone is not easy, and nobody understand the pain and the agony of living without our soulmate. I wish I can say something to help you, but we both know our heart is too broken and no word could put it back together.

Since my boyfriend died I've been feeling the same way you are feeling, hopeless, I'm always crying, with fears. The pain is to big to handle it, time will become your best friend but also your enemy, because every day that goes on, is one more day that you learn how to handle the pain, but also, is one more day without him.

You are blessed, your daughter is the product of your love, you need her now as much as she needs you, give each other enough support to take one day at a time.

A big hug for you

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RWT143, 

I'm so sorry for your loss, the grief you're experiencing and this new, bleak reality you've found yourself in. Indeed, your soul, your heart, even at times, your mind, is breaking. The sorrow can and will leave you broken and crippled with sadness. You feel as if you're standing on the precipice of some unknown alien landscape, a cold place filled with shadows and fear. This and more will become the new routine of endless longing and helplessness, nights spent in torment and days with anxiety and frayed nerves. BUT, things will get easier. Time doesn't heal all wounds, but it allows for acceptance and coping, we begin to process any regrets, guilt, anger, fear, we start to see a little clearer. I'm going into my 8th month, and I'm beginning to experience clarity. I was married over 24 years, with her 27 years, and on December 31st of 2016, my wife slipped away. I will miss her until I die and that's okay. I will love her beyond the grave, I will long for her voice, her smile, her hand in mine, and that's okay. I'll carry this grief with me, forever, and that's okay. It's all okay because as much as we love them, we also grieve for them. And we manage, you will manage. Not easily, not without days of utter and complete misery. Your father and your child will test your patience, but you won't truly resent them. You may, in moments, feel as if you've been denied the right I grieve, that even our fundamental right to work out the things in our hearts and mind, has been taken away. I know. I really, really do, but you will make it through. You will do the things you need to do, you will succeed, you'll be okay. I know. 

Please, post as often as you feel the need, the people here are so kind, so compassionate, filled with a desire to help when and if they can. Lovely, all of them. May you find rest, peace and strength,

Andy

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RWT,

I think all of us can relate to what you've written.  We survive because we have to.  I didn't commit suicide because of my spiritual beliefs, my family, and I want to make sure I go be with him when my time comes.  It's not that I wanted to die, it's that I didn't want to have to go through what I'd have to go through if I lived.  But I have, one day at a time, and little by little, I've processed, adjusted, coped.  It hasn't been easy but I know my George would be proud of me.  I didn't see it possible in the beginning, but it is.  Coming to a grief site was a lifesaver, being around those who "get it", because family/friends don't, they can't, they haven't been there.  My mom did, but now she's gone too.  Having a dog helps tremendously, at least it's contact, someone to love, but that doesn't help a whole lot for conversation, someone contributing in financial or physical way, making decisions, but still, it's helped.

Keep coming here, we're all in this together and it does help to have a place to express yourself.  When others ask how you are you catch yourself saying "fine" because you know they don't really want to know or you don't want to get into it, but here you can be real and tell us how you are, we've all felt the same.

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12 hours ago, RWT143 said:

I can't live without him.

After almost a year, that thought is still in my mind daily. I wouldn't call it "living", more like surviving, navigating around the mine field of grief. I am deeply sorry for your loss. It hurts my heart even more when I see a new member that has joined this club. I know the pain, heart ache, loneliness, emptiness, that you will be going through. I am relieved that you did find us here. We listen, share, encourage. We understand, since we are coming from the same place of grief. People that still have their significant other, they don't fully understand the total devastation that has happened to us. We didn't just lose the closest person that was our everything, we lost our whole way of life, our identity, our other half.

Time, patience, self care, will help you in taking each step throughout the day. Your child needs you as mom. You will support each other and help each other through this transition. You will be the one to provide the memories, the eternal love of dad. Your father needs you as well. You are his child, you will be there for him.

You will survive. You don't feel like it, I know that feeling well, but you will!   (HUGS)

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18 hours ago, RWT143 said:

I can't live without him. He was my life and my future.  I can't imagine minutes from now, never mind days, weeks, months from now without him being by my side.  My love, my soul mate, of 19 years died on July 8th.  I am broken.  My heart. My soul.   All I want is to go with him.  I get angry when people ask how I'm doing, because they don't want, nor could they handle, the honest answer.  But, I have a 5yr old and my 80yr old father who need me.  How do I keep from resenting them for preventing me from the only thing I know can reunite me with the only person  who helped make this world tolerable?  Every night I cry myself to sleep begging to be with him.  Every day I wake up and slowly remember he is gone.  I went back to work last week - I can't focus or get anything accomplished.  I cry openly in front of friends,  family,  strangers.  All I can do is try to survive, one minute at a time.  I am scared I'll forget memories, his face, his voice...  it is breaking my soul.

I am sorry for your loss and can feel your pain from your post.  I truly get it; my Charles and I were blessed to share our lives together for 45 years and for that I am forever grateful. He was my true soulmate; like a best friend only more.  The one person in the world who knew me better than anyone else.  That special someone who made me a better person; no, he didn't actually make me a better person; I like to think I did that myself because he inspired me.  You know, that person that you carry with you forever; the one person who truly knew you, accepted you and believed in you before anyone else did or when no one else would.  No matter what happens, that one person you'll love forever and nothing could ever change that.

Losing that soulmate will break you down and by you being so fresh into this grief journey (not that I'm a pro)  you will fill all types of emotions; it only natural. It hurts when you have someone in your heart but can't have them in your arms. That may not the kind of hurt that causes you to cry all the time, but more of a hurt that overwhelms your entire body, leaving your heart aching and your stomach empty making you feel week and tired; and yet you cannot sleep cause the hurt is in your dreams too.  It's almost like a hurt you just can't escape.

If you must cry in front of family and friends, even strangers, then you do it.  You are allowed to scream, you're allowed to cry, but the one thing you are NOT allowed to do is give up.  So you do whatever it takes to get you through this grief; you must survive, not only for yourself, but for your child and father.  I don't think you will ever get over grief; you get through it; it doesn't get better, it gets different; everyday expect it to wear a different face.   You may have fallen, but the greatest victory is not in never falling, but rising every time we do..   You WILL get through this; you are stronger than you realize.  You have within you, right now, everything you need to deal with whatever this world can throw at you.  And know that God is never blind to your tears; never deaf to your prayers; and never silent to your pain.  HE sees; HE hears and HE will deliver - just wait, you'll see. 
 
My prayer is that God grant you the hope and strength needed to get through this nightmare; Hope that it will get better and the Strength to hold on until it does. 
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Thank you so much for your kind words, thoughtfulness, and support.  It truly means a lot.  I won't give up.  I don't know how but I know I won't.  Russell would never want me to.  Maybe it's because I know that he is still with me, and he always will be.  I feel him around me.  I talk to him all the time.  I know he tries to comfort me, just as he has always done.  I believe that not even death can separate true soul mates.  I just need to try to figure out how to survive without him being physically with me, hearing his voice, holding his hand, laughing with him.  Thinking about it is enough to bring me to my knees. But that is why we're here, together, on this site right?  To find a way to figure out how to not give up, and maybe find some solace from being with others who understand what we're going through and up against.  So again, thank you... xo

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As human we need that physical "touch" the laughs, hug, kisses, etc. And as you say the hardest part is to accept our live will keep going without our love one. You are right when you say death can't separate soulmates, contrary of the human nature, souls are not bond into a single dimension, neither does love. So when we found our real soulmate we are capable of love beyond any possible barrier. After death, souls and love remains.

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RWT,

I'm glad you feel him with you, not everyone does, and that's a tremendous help.  I proceed on faith that we'll be together again, it's like he's on a long, long trip, and I have to wait until we're reunited, this is not the end, it's just a long hard wait.

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37 minutes ago, KayC said:

this is not the end, it's just a long hard wait.

I love this...  Thank you.   :wub:

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You're so welcome.  I just want you to know that it's been 12 years for me and that's a good down payment on the 40 or so I might have to do...my mom outlived my dad by 32 years.  I didn't see how it was possible, but now I do.

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22 hours ago, RWT143 said:

Thank you so much for your kind words, thoughtfulness, and support.  It truly means a lot.  I won't give up.  I don't know how but I know I won't.  Russell would never want me to.  Maybe it's because I know that he is still with me, and he always will be.  I feel him around me.  I talk to him all the time.  I know he tries to comfort me, just as he has always done.  I believe that not even death can separate true soul mates.  I just need to try to figure out how to survive without him being physically with me, hearing his voice, holding his hand, laughing with him.  Thinking about it is enough to bring me to my knees. But that is why we're here, together, on this site right?  To find a way to figure out how to not give up, and maybe find some solace from being with others who understand what we're going through and up against.  So again, thank you... xo

No, thank you. I truly admire your post and the message you tell.   Yes, Russell's spirit is with you; you just can't see him, because he is in spirit form and you're not - but he's there.  So talk to him,  because he hears you; know that he is at your side comforting you. And you are so right - nothing can ever separate true soulmates.  I personally believe there is a bond that nothing can shatter; they say nothing last forever but I am a firm believer in the fact that true loves goes on after we're gone. 

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Mrs. Plummer

Hey RWT, I am so sorry about your loss, hon.I read posts like yours, where everything is so fresh, and feel the utmost compassion for the shocking, terrible heartache. Nobody knows what to do with it first off; we need to slowly accommodate it. I was exactly like you in the first month - crying openly at shopping centres etc. And you know what, you are absolutely right that your Russell is still with you, and can hear you. You will always have a relationship with him, and you will be able to build it and grow it - which of course, does not cancel out the sheer awfulness of adjusting to the lack of physical presence, but this is likely to bring you comfort in some measure.

I totally relate to the sense of resenting the people who are keeping you from joining him...I suppose that I now see them as my anchors in the world in a good way. My take is this: I do not believe that suicides are punished in the afterlife - not in the hellfire sense (haven't suicides already been to hell? The God of my understanding would be far too compassionate to abandon them and torture them for eternity) - but I imagine that there are some consequences. For example, I know that even if I went to join my Ken, I could not look upon the pain I left behind and be happy, and still call myself a decent person. Plus, it isn't what Ken wants me to do.

One day at a time love, and please continue to talk to your Russell. This forum is also tremendous support.

Louise xo

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12 hours ago, Mrs. Plummer said:

I do not believe that suicides are punished in the afterlife

I don't either...but my belief is not strong enough to bank my life on it, so I couldn't do it...besides I too didn't want to put my kids and sisters through hell on earth.  They say life is a gift, it didn't seem like one when my George died, but I've come to view it as such years on down the road, sometimes it's up to me to make it such or see what's good in it.  Nothing compares to the life I had with George, but I still keep on trying...

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14 hours ago, Mrs. Plummer said:

please continue to talk to your Russell.

I will.  I can't imagine ever stopping.  It's funny because he used to say I talk more than anyone he's ever known.  I'm not going to stop now :)

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Nothing compares to the life I had with George, but I still keep on trying...

I think that is one the most important parts - to keep trying and never give up.  Some people here have said that you grieve as much as you love.  I think that when you have loved someone completely, so deeply that it feels as though you were put on this earth to find and love them for eternity, you can't imagine giving up on them, or giving them up.   So, for them, you have to keep trying and you can never give up hope.  Hope for signs that they still are and will always be with you.  Hope that you will somehow you will make it through the day.  Hope that you will be in eachother's arms again someday.  Russell and I were destined to find and love each other,  We were in each other's hearts before we met, we just didn't know it.  I dreamed of finding and loving him my whole life.  I'd lost faith a many times and never thought I'd find my soul mate, but I always kept trying.  And I did find him.  Now I just need to keep trying until I find him again...  :wub:

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When I was younger I guess I thought that the romance novels and movies were a fantasy, I didn't know it could even be real until I met George.  We were the culmination of everything wonderful and good wrapped into one!  That I got to have that and experience it to me is nothing short of a miracle!  I miss him with all of my being and yet I also realize I am not totally without him...our love did not die June 19, 2005, only his body gave out.  He lives on, so do I, and our love continues, and there will come a day we can be together again.  The Bible says we'll get a new body, so that means we'll be able to hug again!  One moment of his holding me again will obliterate all of the pain and anguish I've had to endure here.  All will be well...

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6 hours ago, KayC said:

 One moment of his holding me again will obliterate all of the pain and anguish I've had to endure here.  All will be well...

My constant daily prayer!

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22 hours ago, KayC said:

One moment of his holding me again will obliterate all of the pain and anguish I've had to endure here.  All will be well...

All of this pain and despair will be forgotten the moment we hold our soulmate. This terrible chapter of our lives will be closed and the book of our mortal lives shelved for posterity. Then the new book will be started. That's the book I wanna read. The one where I won't have to say goodbye to Lori ever again. I won't have to let her go. I wont have worry about the future. It's this chapter that is so hard because I don't know when it ends. 

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3 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

It's this chapter that is so hard because I don't know when it ends. 

So very true. Makes me feel despondent. We are not guaranteed tomorrow, but the waiting is insufferable. When my pets end their life spans, maybe the "powers that be"will show me mercy also. I know this sounds negative, but I am not doing so well lately with this process. I thought I was making some progress, but I seem to be sliding backwards again. It is so hard to keep from falling into that "dark place". It is a constant struggle.

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My god, KMB. I am also feeling like I'm slipping backwards after thinking I was managing better. So many triggers. Saw my eye doctor today who was also my husbands doctor. He didn't know and I had to tell him. So painful. Yes, it s a constant struggle.

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5 hours ago, KMB said:

So very true. Makes me feel despondent. We are not guaranteed tomorrow, but the waiting is insufferable. When my pets end their life spans, maybe the "powers that be"will show me mercy also. I know this sounds negative, but I am not doing so well lately with this process. I thought I was making some progress, but I seem to be sliding backwards again. It is so hard to keep from falling into that "dark place". It is a constant struggle.

KMB,

Three steps forward, two steps backward, are STILL moving in a progressive fashion.  Allot yourself the process and time you need, it will all work out.  I'm sorry you're having a down time.
I get annoyed that people think I should be "over it" because it's been 12 years.  That's the part they don't get, we're NEVER "over it"!  I'm sorry if that depresses people.  I'm not here to depress people but to show them that we can continue our lives even with the changes this has meant to us.  None of us are perfect, me the least.  I miss George each and every day.  If that bothers someone, they can deal with it, this is my experience.  I know some who have gone on to have wonderful love relationships with someone else...I'm not one of them.  If it works out like that for them, I'm truly happy for them!  My best friend is one of those and I'm so glad for her.  But truth be told, I've never met anyone even close to being like my George, it was perfect for us, I wouldn't want to settle for less.  I keep plugging away every day, doing my best, looking for the good in the day, practicing living in the present, trying to stick to one day at a time.  And this very much is a practice.  I don't know any part of this that comes easily or naturally.  My relationship with George came easily and naturally.  Nothing about the last 12 years compares to the time we had together, and yet I'm so grateful I had that time with him, I carry his love with me.  He is the one person in the world that truly got me, he always understood me, we could always communicate effectively.  We share this love and it continues still...

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Thank you, Kay-----

I'm still not doing ok, but what is new? I feel so adrift on a vast ocean with no engine or paddles. My husband was my "home" and I feel so lost and alone. I kept busy yesterday. I have been trying since spring to sell a rocker recliner my husband didn't particularly care for. It is too big for me. I am short and my feet don't even touch the floor while sitting in it. I always kept it covered and it looks still new. I've spent money listing it for sale 2 weeks at a time in all the area papers, even had it on craigslist. Now, with my daughter here with all of her things, it has become even more in the way. I contacted one of my husband's friends and we loaded up the chair and donated it to the closest thrift shop. Then, with same friend, he helped me level off the fuel oil tank that the furnace uses. The tank sits on old railroad ties, which have been rotting and causing the tank to tip out. My husband and I were going to install new supports last year---- As a temporary fix, our friend and I scrounged up some treated blocks of wood from the garage and did our best at leveling. One less thing off my shoulders, for now.

Hope your injuries are still improving in healing.:wub:

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My injuries are getting better, slowly.  However, I got stung by a wasp Tuesday and much to my dismay, discovered I am allergic to them now!  I got 100 stings a couple of years ago and that probably caused it.  I've been keeping an eye on it, I'll give it a week to see if it heals on its own, otherwise I'll have to make an appt.

I'm glad you got some help and got your tank leveled, as well as got rid of your chair.  I wish so much I could get some things done around here but without help, it makes it pretty tough.

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I feel for you with the wasp sting! Those nasty, flying creatures can be relentless. Around the last half of August, into Sept., I have an issue with them and the hummingbird feeders. I've used Benadryl for my stings and a paste of meat tenderizer can be helpful .I do not know how you survived being stung that many times a couple years ago!

Well, the friend that helped me out yesterday, lives a few hours away and came up to his cabin for a few days. I took advantage of his help. Otherwise, I'm usually on my own. The base of the chair was heavy and I knew that even with my daughter helping, we wouldn't have been able to get it out of the house and lifted into the back of a pickup .I take my blessings when I get them!

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When I got so many stings before, I got Mersa and blood poisoning, had to go in emergency, but fortunately wasn't allergic then.  Now I'll have to be super vigilant!  It's getting better every day now.

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6 hours ago, KayC said:

 It's getting better every day now.

I'm glad to hear that!  You were lucky to get through the Mersa and blood poisoning! Some people die from Mersa. My husband acquired Mersa in the hospital while being treated for something else that was minor. He went through 2 long rounds of Vancomycin that I hooked him up at home here, through a catheter. It was finally discovered through an infectious disease specialist that the reason why the Vanco wasn't working was that the Mersa was located in a toe bone (bones don't have much blood circulation) and he had to have an amputation. I remember we both were spitting angry and scared. That whole process lasted through most of 2006. Then we had to spend 3 more separate trips to the specialist for testing in order for the Mersa to be cleared on his records.

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On 8/6/2017 at 2:41 AM, Andy said:

this new, bleak reality you've found yourself in. Indeed, your soul, your heart, even at times, your mind, is breaking. The sorrow can and will leave you broken and crippled with sadness. You feel as if you're standing on the precipice of some unknown alien landscape, a cold place filled with shadows and fear. This and more will become the new routine of endless longing and helplessness, nights spent in torment and days with anxiety and frayed nerves.

This is how it is.  This is the routine.  Waking up  in the middle of night screaming or crying, running outside to see if the world still exists.  Spending days with frayed nerves and endless anxiety.  All these slowly improve but the overwelming sadness of what was and what could have been remain.  Sometimes the unknown world, this new world, completely overwelms me and I simply have to run home and cry and feel the pain of a world that at times seems completely alien, other times it seems ok.  Its just more tricks from the grief monster I suppose as this world DID exist before I was married.  But the endless anxiety seems everpresent.  

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On 8/6/2017 at 2:41 AM, Andy said:

this new, bleak reality you've found yourself in. Indeed, your soul, your heart, even at times, your mind, is breaking. The sorrow can and will leave you broken and crippled with sadness. You feel as if you're standing on the precipice of some unknown alien landscape, a cold place filled with shadows and fear. This and more will become the new routine of endless longing and helplessness, nights spent in torment and days with anxiety and frayed nerves.

This is how it is.  This is the routine.  Waking up  in the middle of night screaming or crying, running outside to see if the world still exists.  Spending days with frayed nerves and endless anxiety.  All these slowly improve but the overwelming sadness of what was and what could have been remain.  Sometimes the unknown world, this new world, completely overwelms me and I simply have to run home and cry and feel the pain of a world that at times seems completely alien, other times it seems ok.  Its just more tricks from the grief monster I suppose as this world DID exist before I was married.  But the endless anxiety seems everpresent.  

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On 8/6/2017 at 2:41 AM, Andy said:

this new, bleak reality you've found yourself in. Indeed, your soul, your heart, even at times, your mind, is breaking. The sorrow can and will leave you broken and crippled with sadness. You feel as if you're standing on the precipice of some unknown alien landscape, a cold place filled with shadows and fear. This and more will become the new routine of endless longing and helplessness, nights spent in torment and days with anxiety and frayed nerves.

This is how it is.  This is the routine.  Waking up  in the middle of night screaming or crying, running outside to see if the world still exists.  Spending days with frayed nerves and endless anxiety.  All these slowly improve but the overwelming sadness of what was and what could have been remain.  Sometimes the unknown world, this new world, completely overwelms me and I simply have to run home and cry and feel the pain of a world that at times seems completely alien, other times it seems ok.  Its just more tricks from the grief monster I suppose as this world DID exist before I was married.  But the endless anxiety seems everpresent.  

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i have no idea why it posted multple times.  I just posted once. I am sorry about this.

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10 hours ago, bradley1985 said:

This is how it is.  This is the routine.  Waking up  in the middle of night screaming or crying, running outside to see if the world still exists.  Spending days with frayed nerves and endless anxiety.  All these slowly improve but the overwelming sadness of what was and what could have been remain.  Sometimes the unknown world, this new world, completely overwelms me and I simply have to run home and cry and feel the pain of a world that at times seems completely alien, other times it seems ok.  Its just more tricks from the grief monster I suppose as this world DID exist before I was married.  But the endless anxiety seems everpresent.  

Routine is an understatement. Same thing different day. Wake up thinking about Lori. Shower. Cry. Let the dog out. Go to work and think about Lori all day. Tear up several times during the day. Go home. Let the dog out. Sit on the couch thinking about Lori. Cry periodically. Go to bed. Wake up 8-9 times a night. Wake up still tired and do it all over again. 

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1 hour ago, Eagle-96 said:

Routine is an understatement. Same thing different day. Wake up thinking about Lori. Shower. Cry. Let the dog out. Go to work and think about Lori all day. Tear up several times during the day. Go home. Let the dog out. Sit on the couch thinking about Lori. Cry periodically. Go to bed. Wake up 8-9 times a night. Wake up still tired and do it all over again. 

Ditto on that. With the exception I am retired and our spouse's names. I am drained out, exhausted, trying to fight the same daily fight. Have to find the inner, hidden reserves to keep going. We have no choice.

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Sean,

When you wrote that, it reminded me of groundhog day, all over again, day after day.  It amazes me how I still have to take one day at a time, even after all these years.  I can't look at how long the wait is or how many years I have looming before me, it's too much.

I, like KMB, am retired, so I don't have a job to go to to kill the time.  I've gotten active in volunteering so I have somewhere to go nearly every day.  Yesterday I stayed home all day and I find it's hard to be home alone ALL DAY, it seems much too long.  I can't help thinking how different it would be if George were here to share in that time.  How very different indeed.

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On 8/14/2017 at 10:33 AM, Eagle-96 said:

Routine is an understatement. Same thing different day. Wake up thinking about Lori. Shower. Cry. Let the dog out. Go to work and think about Lori all day. Tear up several times during the day. Go home. Let the dog out. Sit on the couch thinking about Lori. Cry periodically. Go to bed. Wake up 8-9 times a night. Wake up still tired and do it all over again. 

 

On 8/14/2017 at 0:28 PM, KMB said:

I am drained out, exhausted, trying to fight the same daily fight. Have to find the inner, hidden reserves to keep going. We have no choice.

I understand this.  I make myself a little busy to ease the pain for a few hours but it really doesnt ease.  Its always there, always waiting when I am finished with the task.  I don't wake up as much as you but 2-3 times is hard enough and those are some of the worst moments of the 24 hour day.   Last night I had a nightmare that I was being chased by the police and wanted for murder.  Then I wake up to my real nightmare that she isnt beside me to talk too.  Gut wrenching.  It feels like I am going to feel guilty for the rest of my life.  Not so much for her lack of taking care of herself (her fault), but because I didnt recognize the dangers of her behavior and didnt see the emergency for what it was. There are no do-overs. I feel sick most of the time, but its not the same kind of sick I felt in the first six months.  Its a different "more emotional" sickness that affects the mind and stomach more and alters the way the world appears.  

Every morning I wake up just as drained as when I went to sleep but I cant sleep any longer.  I just get up, make coffee, go for a walk, and start trying to work.  I am trying to take better care of myself these days but I dont know what for.   The question "why keep going on?" continually pops up.  Whats the point?  I dont feel that close to most of my family, even less close after Nicole died.  I only have one person in the whole world that actually somewhat depends on me.  I have no animals.  When I make plans with people it keeps me busy for awhile and sometimes I even feel hopeful that I can have a life again.  But it always comes back to this sick feeling, like its all over.  Looking at the sky and trees and birds and dreaming of how things could have been but will never be.  Looking to the future and imagining myself growing older as a single man without Nicole makes me sick and depressed beyond comprehension.  Enough to drive one to death.  But it makes me just as sick to my stomach when I think about killing myself.  I dont know who I am anymore.  Its just lose/lose. 

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7 hours ago, bradley1985 said:

 

I understand this.  I make myself a little busy to ease the pain for a few hours but it really doesnt ease.  Its always there, always waiting when I am finished with the task.  I don't wake up as much as you but 2-3 times is hard enough and those are some of the worst moments of the 24 hour day.   Last night I had a nightmare that I was being chased by the police and wanted for murder.  Then I wake up to my real nightmare that she isnt beside me to talk too.  Gut wrenching.  It feels like I am going to feel guilty for the rest of my life.  Not so much for her lack of taking care of herself (her fault), but because I didnt recognize the dangers of her behavior and didnt see the emergency for what it was. There are no do-overs. I feel sick most of the time, but its not the same kind of sick I felt in the first six months.  Its a different "more emotional" sickness that affects the mind and stomach more and alters the way the world appears.  

Every morning I wake up just as drained as when I went to sleep but I cant sleep any longer.  I just get up, make coffee, go for a walk, and start trying to work.  I am trying to take better care of myself these days but I dont know what for.   The question "why keep going on?" continually pops up.  Whats the point?  I dont feel that close to most of my family, even less close after Nicole died.  I only have one person in the whole world that actually somewhat depends on me.  I have no animals.  When I make plans with people it keeps me busy for awhile and sometimes I even feel hopeful that I can have a life again.  But it always comes back to this sick feeling, like its all over.  Looking at the sky and trees and birds and dreaming of how things could have been but will never be.  Looking to the future and imagining myself growing older as a single man without Nicole makes me sick and depressed beyond comprehension.  Enough to drive one to death.  But it makes me just as sick to my stomach when I think about killing myself.  I dont know who I am anymore.  Its just lose/lose. 

What a strange existence we live in when having a nightmare while sleeping is preferred to the real nightmare we live while awake. It's so frustrating to wake up in the morning and be just as tired as when I went to sleep the night before. Sometimes it feels like I am the one who died and this existence is my personal Hell. Sleeping with no relief. Crying with no resolution. Not having the one person that would understand my despair. Going from being the happiest person I know to the saddest. And the scariest part is, will my legacy be happy person who was sad for the rest of his life after his wife died or a sad person who was happy for 45 years. Which part is the anomaly?

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8 hours ago, bradley1985 said:

When I make plans with people it keeps me busy for awhile and sometimes I even feel hopeful that I can have a life again.  But it always comes back to this sick feeling, like its all over.

Having even a fleeting glimmer of hope or any good feeling is a very positive sign I've learned to embrace for the moment it lasts, hopefully it'll continue to increase.  Even if we immediately return to the sick feeling, still it's not continually the sick feeling so we know it's possible.  In time it will quit "hitting" you again and again and you will become aware of and even adjust to her being gone, I know that doesn't seem possible but it happens, and I do think it's easier to handle once it quits hitting you afresh with reality.

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3 hours ago, KayC said:

Having even a fleeting glimmer of hope or any good feeling is a very positive sign I've learned to embrace for the moment it lasts, hopefully it'll continue to increase.  Even if we immediately return to the sick feeling, still it's not continually the sick feeling so we know it's possible.  In time it will quit "hitting" you again and again and you will become aware of and even adjust to her being gone, I know that doesn't seem possible but it happens, and I do think it's easier to handle once it quits hitting you afresh with reality.

What has been going on with me, is that I don't even know what I want, or even if I should be wanting anything else from this life. I'm going under the assumption that this is part of the adjusting. It has been a year and I am still floating with the day, just to get that day done. All I think about is wanting to be with my husband. A want I cannot have until God decides that for me.

I have moments when I smile, laugh, but it is for the benefit of my daughter or anyone else I am interacting with. On the inside, I am a crying, emotional wreck. But, I don't need anyone worrying about me and if I am going to go off the deep end. I don't want for my daughter to feel she has to be on some kind of suicide watch over me. So, I put on the mask at certain times and struggle through. She knows how I feel, we have our talks. I just don't want for her to worry about me, when she is trying to get herself back on her feet.

I had an appointment at the funeral home earlier this week. I had a funeral trust fund account set up along with my arrangements. My kids approve of what I have done. It will be my final gift to them. I don't wish for them to have to agonize over decisions on if they were doing the right things for me. Since they all live from paycheck to paycheck, I've relieved them of any financial burdens.

I don't know what my future holds or my length of time here. This past year without my husband has been pure hell. I've learned a lot. Neither one of us were expecting him to leave as suddenly as he did. Yes, I am speaking for my husband, also. I'm sure when he found himself in Heaven, he was just as shocked as I was. But, since Heaven is such a wonderful place, he adjusted and is at peace, under God's care. A lot better than what I am going through. I've just gone with the inner push to see to my own legal/financial/ end of life responsibilities. As a mother, I still I have this need to take care of my kids and make their load of living as easy as I can.

Thanks for letting me ramble, for anyone reading this. Even though I am constantly sad, lonely for my husband, my mind still thinks somewhat rationally, logically, (which I consider a miracle).

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I've talked with my kids about who I want to have certain things, made out my will, made my son Executor because if it were left to my daughter it wouldn't get done...she's capable, but she's a procrastinator.  He has children who will hopefully be able to help him when the time comes that he has to deal with this.  I just want cremated and they can do what they want about all of the stuff I've accumulated, if they don't want any of it it doesn't matter, I'll be done with it. :)  I hope to have the place paid for so they can sell it and get something out of it.

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

I've talked with my kids about who I want to have certain things, made out my will, made my son Executor because if it were left to my daughter it wouldn't get done...she's capable, but she's a procrastinator.  He has children who will hopefully be able to help him when the time comes that he has to deal with this.  I just want cremated and they can do what they want about all of the stuff I've accumulated, if they don't want any of it it doesn't matter, I'll be done with it. :)  I hope to have the place paid for so they can sell it and get something out of it.

Cremation is all I arranged for also. I opted out of a memorial service. My oldest daughter, the one who moved in with me, is executor of my will, power of attorney for health and financial decisions. I told her if her and her brother and sister want to have their own celebration of life, that all 3 should just go out for a good steak dinner or a pizza party. I've always been a more quiet, private type of person, similar to my husband. My kids and my few friends understand me, that is all that matters.

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