Young, childless and barely existing

[AlwaysDee]

My husband.. my life, love and soulmate died two weeks ago. He was 29... healthy, no drugs, no drinking, No smoking, happy.

We were highschool sweethearts, together for almost 13 years, married less than 2 months. We had all these checklists and plans that we wanted to accomplish together first, "before we went into wedding debt". We graduated high school together, immediately moved in together in our first apartment, went to college, got jobs, saved for a home, bought a home, and finally got married in May. Had a glorious 3 week honeymoon, started trying to get pregnant...

Then he died. Out of nowhere. My sister found him in our community pool, he had been working out there like he does all the time. He was a great swimmer. The coroner said the 1st week, she thought lightning hit the pool. I had somehow come to terms with that. Nature, Freak accident... He would have liked that he went out with a bang... (he had a spectacular morbid sense of humor) and then yesterday, They call and tell me it wasn't that. That they still don't know what caused his death.  TWENTY-NINE. When they did the autopsy they said there was no sign of heart attack or blood clot... That he looked like every 29 year old should. She said shes not giving up, that she will figure it out, but in the meantime, what do I do? I've lost half my soul and I don't even know why or how. I have nothing to latch onto.

My heart is aching for him. I had perfection. We didn't fight, we were best friends. We haven't ever gone two weeks without talking, or seeing each other. I'm waiting for him to come back. I'm in shock and I keep thinking this is an elaborate hoax. I have his ashes and I still expect him to walk in the door.

I've been staying with my mom because I can't go home, that isn't home without him... But I keep thinking what if hes there? waiting on me? I haven't dream't of him, what if his spirit is there waiting for me but I'm too sad and scared to go home? I can't drive past the pool he died in everyday. We worked so hard to get our little home and I don't know if I can go back. He wouldn't want me to do anything I was uncomfortable with, So I know he'd understand but I still feel so guilty...

I was a homemaker, he proudly did everything, We've spent our whole adult lives together, I have no idea how to be an adult without him. Every decision was run past him, Everything I cooked was because I thought he'd like it. All of my memories, everything for the past 13 years, my whole adult life was him. How, How am I going to get by without him?

I'm in so much pain I can't stand it. I keep asking God to help me through this, but nothing gives me hope...

I feel in my heart that hes okay. I felt it in that first week and still i feel it in my heart that he is fine, that he wants me to be okay, that hes always with me. I'm not worried about him. I feel like he's in heaven, My sister had a dream that he was and he consoled her, which I'm happy for because she wasn't doing well, she found him in the pool and jumped in to be with him.. She needed him to come to her and he did.

Why hasn't he come to me? I can't find any signs hes with me..

Sorry this was so long. I'm floundering and I feel like a complete ghost. So empty, so alone, just existing. All our young plans... ripped away. No newly weds, no babies, no wedding anniversary.... How can I continue? How can I start over at 29? How do you live without your heart and soul? 13 years of plans for a future together and all I wanted and needed was him.

[Djh0901kc]

This is so similar to my own situation. 32 and together for 16 years. Now my wife is gone in the blink of an eye and my life is ripped away. I don't have any advice. I don't think you can live without your heart and soul. Just exist. Which sucks. Just wanted you to know at least you aren't alone in this situation. 

[Francine]

43 minutes ago, AlwaysDee said:

I'm in so much pain I can't stand it. I keep asking God to help me through this, but nothing gives me hope...

I feel in my heart that hes okay. I felt it in that first week and still i feel it in my heart that he is fine, that he wants me to be okay, that hes always with me. I'm not worried about him. I feel like he's in heaven, My sister had a dream that he was and he consoled her, which I'm happy for because she wasn't doing well, she found him in the pool and jumped in to be with him.. She needed him to come to her and he did.

Why hasn't he come to me? I can't find any signs hes with me..

I am so very sorry for your loss and the pain I know you're going through, believe me, I was there.  I lost the love of my life, my Charles, who I was blessed to share 45 years together to a massive heart attack and was never prepared for it.  In the past, whenever I heard that someone had been through a loss, I thought I understood what they were going through, but I was wrong; I had no idea what it truly felt like until I lost my Charles. Never truly understood the meaning of heartbreak; never knew I could be so lonely; never knew how much my life could change; never knew my heart could hurt this way; never knew I'd still be here without my Charles; never knew extreme emotional pain - but I  know, and it tears me apart.  Charles  and I always felt we were each other’s missing half. It was as if we were pieces of a puzzle that had come together and fit perfectly. Charles was the mirror to my soul. He was the person who was my cheerleader. He wanted me to succeed and I, in turn, wanted him to flourish. We were one organism that functioned as an integrated unit. He was the key to my lock and I gave him the key to my chastity belt. (I had to inject some humor since the tears were beginning to wet my keyboard.)   We felt safe in our love and we allowed each other to function at a level of honesty and honor without pretenses. We attained a level of comfort and security that gave us a safety net that not many couples share. We were inseparable companions enjoying our daily rituals of check-in phone calls and anticipating being together sharing stories of our day. It was our verbal cleansing and we cherished it daily. We desperately wanted to grow older together and keep our life rhythm pulsing. We both felt privileged to have shared such a rare intimacy and kindness toward each other. We felt grateful to share a sense of humor and perseverance about life. We were truly soulmates.  Those who are soulmates today are destined to be together for eternity.

I know the pain you're in; the thing about pain is it demands to be felt and time won't heal it, but  will teach us how to live with it. Find a place inside where there's joy and the joy will burn out the pain. I think God gave us pain to remind us we are alive, so we will learn to value the joys and beauty of this world. If you have not already done so, surround yourself with people who understand and support you; recovery begins with embracing our pain and taking the risk to share it with others. 

Being a true believer in God and faith, HE knows out pain.  Nothing can happen without God's permission and HE will not allow a difficulty unless HE has a divine purpose for it.  As hard as it is now, keep your trust in God and HE will bring you out better than you went in.  I don't know why you have not yet had a dream of your loved one; perhaps your sister needed it more than you; but what I do know is that everyday, God thinks of us; every hour HE looks after us; every minute, HE cares for us because every second HE loves us.   Missing someone gets easier everyday because even though you are one day further from the last time you saw them, you are one day closer to the next time you will. 

 

1 hour ago, AlwaysDee said:

How can I continue? How can I start over at 29? How do you live without your heart and soul?

You continue because you must and he would have wanted you to.  You continue because you must not only represent yourself; but him as well.   You don't live without your heart and soul because he will always inhabit a space inside your heart despite any circumstance, happening, or situation.  They left a piece of themselves in your soul and there they will subtly remain.

Continue to post; you are in my thoughts and prayers; I ask that God gives you the strength and peace you need at this most difficult time. 

You're sorry for the long post; I'm sorry for the long reply
 

[AlwaysDee]

Thank you both for responding, I'm sorry for your losses. I've been reading lots of posts on this forum. Its weird how much I feel the need to read all these stories... sadly comforting to know I'm not alone.

I'm just drifting one minute at a time, suffering till the next hour happens. My whole life revolved around John, I don't know what to do with myself. It's like when he was away at the store and I just sat on the couch and waited for him to come home. My life would pause until he was back with me and then I would continue on, but now i'm paused and waiting on someone who will never walk in the door.

I know I'm supposed to keep going. I'll have a moment where I feel him in my heart, I feel a little stronger, know the encouraging words he would say to me, and I know I have to live a life that would make him proud, one that honors him and in the end, gets me to him... but its so hard. Im so heartbroken, I miss him so much.

I'm still at the point where remembering anything, which is actually everything in my adult life, about him just breaks my heart. I'm so happy to know how happy we were, but im aching for more time, I have so much more of myself to give to him.

[Ka9219]

Hi, I am really sorry about your love, I understand the shock of losing someone so young, my boyfriend was only 26 years old when he passed away 2 months ago, it's hard to understand why are they taken away from us so soon. It is not fair.

Signs are different for all of us, I haven't have one since Mario passed away. 

Grieving is a process and will take not just time but part of you.

[darkshadowgirl]

3 hours ago, AlwaysDee said:

 

I'm just drifting one minute at a time, suffering till the next hour happens. My whole life revolved around John, I don't know what to do with myself. It's like when he was away at the store and I just sat on the couch and waited for him to come home. My life would pause until he was back with me and then I would continue on, but now i'm paused and waiting on someone who will never walk in the door.

I'm still at the point where remembering anything, which is actually everything in my adult life, about him just breaks my heart. I'm so happy to know how happy we were, but im aching for more time, I have so much more of myself to give to him.

I was the exact same way, when Ryan left the house I would be on pause until he came home. Everything revovled around him. I lost him at 36, suddenly to suicide, when our relationship was better then it had ever been. It was out of the blue. The memories are painful. Like you I am still fresh into this journey, only 6 weeks. So we are in similar phase. But I would like to stay in touch over time and see how our jouneys unfold and to give support and advice along the way. 

All I can do is to stay hopeful for the future and believe that I can create a beautiful life once again. It might not be soon, but someday. I can't let that hope die. And neither should you.

[Sadaf Nazim]

12 hours ago, AlwaysDee said:

My husband.. my life, love and soulmate died two weeks ago. He was 29... healthy, no drugs, no drinking, No smoking, happy.

We were highschool sweethearts, together for almost 13 years, married less than 2 months. We had all these checklists and plans that we wanted to accomplish together first, "before we went into wedding debt". We graduated high school together, immediately moved in together in our first apartment, went to college, got jobs, saved for a home, bought a home, and finally got married in May. Had a glorious 3 week honeymoon, started trying to get pregnant...

Then he died. Out of nowhere. My sister found him in our community pool, he had been working out there like he does all the time. He was a great swimmer. The coroner said the 1st week, she thought lightning hit the pool. I had somehow come to terms with that. Nature, Freak accident... He would have liked that he went out with a bang... (he had a spectacular morbid sense of humor) and then yesterday, They call and tell me it wasn't that. That they still don't know what caused his death.  TWENTY-NINE. When they did the autopsy they said there was no sign of heart attack or blood clot... That he looked like every 29 year old should. She said shes not giving up, that she will figure it out, but in the meantime, what do I do? I've lost half my soul and I don't even know why or how. I have nothing to latch onto.

My heart is aching for him. I had perfection. We didn't fight, we were best friends. We haven't ever gone two weeks without talking, or seeing each other. I'm waiting for him to come back. I'm in shock and I keep thinking this is an elaborate hoax. I have his ashes and I still expect him to walk in the door.

I've been staying with my mom because I can't go home, that isn't home without him... But I keep thinking what if hes there? waiting on me? I haven't dream't of him, what if his spirit is there waiting for me but I'm too sad and scared to go home? I can't drive past the pool he died in everyday. We worked so hard to get our little home and I don't know if I can go back. He wouldn't want me to do anything I was uncomfortable with, So I know he'd understand but I still feel so guilty...

I was a homemaker, he proudly did everything, We've spent our whole adult lives together, I have no idea how to be an adult without him. Every decision was run past him, Everything I cooked was because I thought he'd like it. All of my memories, everything for the past 13 years, my whole adult life was him. How, How am I going to get by without him?

I'm in so much pain I can't stand it. I keep asking God to help me through this, but nothing gives me hope...

I feel in my heart that hes okay. I felt it in that first week and still i feel it in my heart that he is fine, that he wants me to be okay, that hes always with me. I'm not worried about him. I feel like he's in heaven, My sister had a dream that he was and he consoled her, which I'm happy for because she wasn't doing well, she found him in the pool and jumped in to be with him.. She needed him to come to her and he did.

Why hasn't he come to me? I can't find any signs hes with me..

Sorry this was so long. I'm floundering and I feel like a complete ghost. So empty, so alone, just existing. All our young plans... ripped away. No newly weds, no babies, no wedding anniversary.... How can I continue? How can I start over at 29? How do you live without your heart and soul? 13 years of plans for a future together and all I wanted and needed was him.

Always dee, 

My heart goes out to you. In so many ways, your story is similar to mine. 

I was 22 when my fiance died in November 2016. He was 24. We have been childhood bestfriends. I knew him since I was 7 or 8 years. I don't remember the first day I met him. We were family friends. But don't know a day of my existence that he had not been a part of it. Our elders tell us stories about how we always hanged our together when we were young. So young that we could barely remember. 

And then the next 15 years of my life spent with him. First as bestfriends, then classmates, then he became my boyfriend and then my fiance. Every stage of my life was with him. Except one.. He could never become my husband. We were about to get married soon. But he met with an unfortunate accident. 

He drowned. Despite being the best swimmer I've known. Despite swimming in such dangerous rivers all his life.. He drowned in a small river. And no blood clot, no heart attack.. The autopsy report said that they weren't sure if the cause of death was drowning. It's a mystery what happened to him.

I Can totally understand you. We feel like the best part of our lives have been snatched from us. I'm so sorry. May God give you the strength to cope up. 

Sending love and peace to you. 

[KayC]

AlwaysDee

I am so sorry, there are not words adequate, it's just too young and so unfair.  I hope you get some answer as to what happened at least.

Some people have a hard time coming home to the place they shared, others find comfort being where they were.  At some point you'll have to decide what you want to do with it, but for the first month or so, do what feels comfortable for you.

Not everyone gets "signs", some of us block them without being aware of it.  Try not to worry about signs and dreams, it'll likely come eventually, but we have no control over it.  It took 1-2 years for me to have a dream of my George, and I couldn't understand why everyone else seemed to but me, we were together all the time, we were each other's world!  It just is.  I still rarely get them and it's been 12 years, but he's always on my mind and continues to live in my heart, he always will.  We are soulmate, best friends, I miss him with everything within me.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[KMB]

AlwaysDee, Just wanted to let you know how deeply sorry I am. The others have given you much encouragement and compassion, so, I won't repeat. In 2 weeks, it will be a year since I lost my beloved husband. I cannot believe I have gotten this far. Every day is filled with different emotions, struggles, challenges.

You and your beloved had a beautiful, loving relationship. The love bond never dies, it becomes a spiritual bond that only gets stronger. It will be carried in your heart always and help to see you through on your grieving journey. Sending prayers of comfort and peace to you.   (HUGS)

[Eagle-96]

AlwaysDee,

The unknown is so hard to deal with. We all want reasons why our soulmates left. We want a disease to blame, a condition to hate, a driver to question. I pray that you will find answers to your husband's passing soon. I know it won't bring him back but hopefully it will give you some peace. There were no questions with Lori. We knew it was a massive heart attack immediately. She was only 46. I had a disease to be angry about. I had her family genes to curse. But I also had a healthy dose of what-ifs and second guessing. Please come here when you need to. Read, post, vent. We are here for you no matter what. 

[AlwaysDee]

Thanks again to everyone for reaching out and responding.

I think my heart, mind and soul has hit some sort of grief-cap at the moment, and even thought my chest feels like a truck is sitting on it, my stomach is upset constantly, there's the lump in my throat and tears in my eyes... I want to break down at all seconds, but nothing happens. I feel very numb and empty... I don't want him to look down on me and see that I didn't cry as much as the day before, and think I'm getting over him... I'm in so much pain, and I miss him so much but its like I'm not alive.

I talk to him constantly in my heart, I know the things he would say, how he would say them... what he would tell me about this or that... I wonder if I'm going crazy? I've had to do the things hes always done, and at first I cried, like, I  miss watching his routine with our dog, but now I feel him say "take the dog out babe", "you know she wants to go for a walk", "fix her food like I do it, that's why she wont eat", so I do these things that have to be done, and the whole time I tell myself, John would be so proud and he tells me "I am babe!"    I feel like the only thing that gets me up and moving throughout the day is my constant "talking" to him and I don't know if its him as my guardian angel helping me through this in my heart, or if I'm slowly going crazy...

I found a grief counselor, I like her and she seems earnest in helping me. I am a big planner, and the sudden dissolvement of John and I's life together and all our plans, is killing me..  The idea that we'll never have babies, to see him be a daddy, that we'll never grow old together... my heart breaks for the life we had and were going to have. Everything else, every other potential plan, seems pointless. The counselor said what everyone has said... take it one day at a time. Make small plans, try not to get ahead of myself, try and find a small piece of accomplishment in anything, So i'm trying that..

I had horrible anxiety as a teenager, but for 13 years I had John to help me with my anxiety and my worries but its back with a vengeance now.  Because we don't know how he passed, everything scares me. I was never one to worry about death and now its all I think about. What if I'm next? or my mom, my best friend or my little sister?? John was so healthy, it could come for any of us and I'm petrified I will lose more people or I'll die and leave behind my family. I keep replaying the day we found him over and over in my head.

I hear him tell me "stop dwelling", something he told me all the time, "stop thinking about it"  and I try and listen to him, but its hard. do these thoughts go away? I only want to remember good times, not that horrible day over and over and over.

 

[KayC]

I've had to learn to TURN those thoughts away.  They come unbidden, but if you put up the hand and STOP them and go to something else, it gives us a degree of control over what controls our mind.  Like anything, it takes practice.

I'm glad you found a good grief counselor!  The one I had in the beginning wasn't any good, but I've been under the tutelage of Marty Tousley the last 12 years on her grief site and she's helped me tremendously.

[Ka9219]

I don't know if this is ironic or inappropriate, but I think the only way we can go through this is becoming a little bit crazy, taking this path into total sanity is not human possible. Our mind is not ready to take so much anger, sadness and suffering, that's why we need to find something that help us, I speak with Mario all day, I take my cellphone and look for his photo and started talking to him, and at least I know he knows what I am feeling and why, and I tell him every day in the morning: Hi baby, good morning, I love you. And before I fell sleep I tell him: Good night my sweet little bear, I love you. And who knows, maybe he can hear me, maybe not, but I want to believe he is still close and he can hears me.

[KMB]

4 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

I don't know if this is ironic or inappropriate, but I think the only way we can go through this is becoming a little bit crazy, taking this path into total sanity is not human possible. Our mind is not ready to take so much anger, sadness and suffering, that's why we need to find something that help us, I speak with Mario all day, I take my cellphone and look for his photo and started talking to him, and at least I know he knows what I am feeling and why, and I tell him every day in the morning: Hi baby, good morning, I love you. And before I fell sleep I tell him: Good night my sweet little bear, I love you. And who knows, maybe he can hear me, maybe not, but I want to believe he is still close and he can hears me.

I don't feel your post is inappropriate at all. You are being honest in how you think, feel, and we can relate. Our mind and heart has been shattered. It is normal in this process to think ourselves as being crazy. We need to do, what we need to, in order to help ourselves. It is going to be a long term journey.  (HUGS)

[Eagle-96]

Talking to our soulmates is perfectly normal and not crazy in any sense. I talk to Lori every day. We can't just turn off the feelings we have like a spigot. It doesn't work that way, although those that have not experienced this seem to think so. Whatever we do to help us in this journey is ok as long as it is not physically harmful to us or others. We have been thrust into this grief journey with no directions or instruction manual to help. We are figuring this out as we go along. 

[TooDevastated]

On 09.08.2017 at 6:05 PM, AlwaysDee said:

I found a grief counselor, I like her and she seems earnest in helping me. I am a big planner, and the sudden dissolvement of John and I's life together and all our plans, is killing me..  The idea that we'll never have babies, to see him be a daddy, that we'll never grow old together... my heart breaks for the life we had and were going to have. Everything else, every other potential plan, seems pointless. The counselor said what everyone has said... take it one day at a time. Make small plans, try not to get ahead of myself, try and find a small piece of accomplishment in anything, So i'm trying that..

Sounds to me like you're very strong AlwaysDee. Hang in there. I fall into pieces whenever I remember a plan we made together. We were supposed to have a cheese tour in France in his new car. We were supposed to have a safari. We were supposed to plan our wedding. We were supposed to adopt a puppy beagle and have babies. We were supposed to move to Netherlands. We were supposed to have our whole lives ahead of us to grow old and make more plans. All of that is down the toilet now. 

I say you're strong becaue I cant even begin to try making small plans or find a small piece of accomplishment in stuff.

On 09.08.2017 at 6:05 PM, AlwaysDee said:

I had horrible anxiety as a teenager, but for 13 years I had John to help me with my anxiety and my worries but its back with a vengeance now.  Because we don't know how he passed, everything scares me. I was never one to worry about death and now its all I think about. What if I'm next? or my mom, my best friend or my little sister?? John was so healthy, it could come for any of us and I'm petrified I will lose more people or I'll die and leave behind my family. I keep replaying the day we found him over and over in my head.

I do not share this scare of death, though. Bruce was the one I love the most in my life. Losing others couldnt have been worse now could it. Now that I have had the worst happen, I feel like I cant sink any lower...

As for my own death, I'd bloody welcome it now!  

[KayC]

I don't think anyone has said anything inappropriate and if you're crazy, we all are!  Nothing wrong with talking to them, I believe our spirits continue and although I can't prove he hears me, no one can prove he can't either!

[Francine]

9 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I do not share this scare of death,

I don't either; not anymore; not since my Charles has gone. I just want to do God's will so that when my time comes, HE will welcome me home where my Charles will be waiting and we will never, ever had to worry about being separated again.

[KayC]

Me too, Francine.  I so look forward to that!  Sometimes I have to remind myself that my focus shouldn't be only on getting to be with George again, but being in the very presence of God Himself!

[EternalFlames]

I'm so sorry for your loss!

I also lost my love and soulmate too early (age 30). Not only was I grieving, but I was constantly grappling with tragedy that she was robbed of the rest of her life so early, before getting to have children or so many life experiences, "barely existing". I mourn for both my loss and for her loss!

2 weeks is so early. You're probably going to feel shattered, broken, and incomplete. It's OK if you do and it's OK if it lasts for a while. But life does get better. At some point in the future, maybe the 6-month or 1-year mark, the crippling sadness lessens. The burden on your shoulders lightens. In the mean time, all you can do is process the grief, deal with whatever feelings come up and try to remember the good times.

In the short term, get all the support you can. If you need your mom to help you out, there's no shame in staying with her for a while. For me, it felt so painful to return to our home and find it empty every night. It didn't feel like home anymore. If staying away helps keep you together for now, do what you need to do. He loves you deeply and his spirit will find you wherever you are.

[Djh0901kc]

34 minutes ago, EternalFlames said:

In the short term, get all the support you can. If you need your mom to help you out, there's no shame in staying with her for a while. For me, it felt so painful to return to our home and find it empty every night. It didn't feel like home anymore. If staying away helps keep you together for now, do what you need to do. He loves you deeply and his spirit will find you wherever you are.

It's so nice to see someone else say this. In the 8 weeks since my wife passed, I've only stayed at our house a few times. I can't bare to be there without her. It's actually caused a good deal of problems with her family who think it's strange that I have no desire to be around other people. Even being around my own family feels alien to me. If I'm with other people for more than 15 minutes or so I end up getting angry and lashing out and I know that's not fair. So I just stay away from other humans and keep to myself.

[AlwaysDee]

Thanks again everyone.

I'm on day 24 without him, still staying with my mom. People come in and out, stay for a few days, leave, someone else comes...

I know I'm in denial. The grief counselor said it was still normal still so early. I'm very lucky to have a strong support system that absolutely refuses to let me sink away into nothing. They know my weakness is John. So they say "come on, lets go get dinner, John loved this place, lets do it for him." and I do. Whats keeping me going is him. I talk to him, say "should I do this?" when I want to stay home and wallow, and he says "No Dee! Go do it! It'll be fun, I'll be with you"  He loved me because I was happy, goofy, playful, I smiled and laughed.. Thats why he fell in love with me. I hear him tell me not to lose that version of me. Its so, so hard though. 

 I still haven't gone home, but I know I'm not going to have the luxury of time. Probate told me I have 80 days to get the house switched to my name. I was a homemaker and have no income, I haven't worked in around 8 years. I have fair credit, but only because John set me up so well by putting my name on things. I know they wont re-finance my home to me, I won't qualify. So I know I'm going to have to go home soon, before I'm ready, and start getting the house situated to sell it. I know I can't live there anyways, and he never intended for that to be our forever home. Its not home anyways without him. I did want the time to be able to go back when I was ready, but now I feel rushed.

On 8/10/2017 at 11:26 AM, TooDevastated said:

I do not share this scare of death, though. Bruce was the one I love the most in my life. Losing others couldnt have been worse now could it. Now that I have had the worst happen, I feel like I cant sink any lower...

As for my own death, I'd bloody welcome it now!  

 

On 8/10/2017 at 8:45 PM, Francine said:

I don't either; not anymore; not since my Charles has gone. I just want to do God's will so that when my time comes, HE will welcome me home where my Charles will be waiting and we will never, ever had to worry about being separated again.

The fear of death comes now in not wanting to leave my loved ones behind.  I am in so much pain, they are in so much pain, if something happened to me, I couldn't bare to put them through that. I have a little sister who means so much to me. Shes just lost her brother (in law) who she considered more of a dad than her own, if she lost me it would scar her forever. I can't leave them behind. I'm not worried for me, bc I know John is waiting for me. But I'm scared to lose anyone else, and I'm scared to go, bc I dont want my family to suffer anymore.

I was at the top of the stairs that 2nd week and I thought, maybe if I threw myself down them I'd die, and I could be with him. and I heard him almost shout at me in my head "are you kidding me? seriously? you want to do that to your sister, mom and best friend? really? you know better dee." and hes right.

 

On 8/11/2017 at 11:27 AM, KayC said:

Me too, Francine.  I so look forward to that!  Sometimes I have to remind myself that my focus shouldn't be only on getting to be with George again, but being in the very presence of God Himself!

John wants me to live, continue on for him. Hes in me, and with me, and even though I can't see him. I feel him and how much he loves me. I am so lucky to have the kind of love we have. He keeps me strong and helps me do the things I need to do to be with him in the end. We were never really religious before this, I was always spiritual though. But I always made him promise that if we were ever separated to give me signs he was okay. and he has. I know hes okay, He tells me hes somewhere that we could never comprehend. He was a good, good man. and I know that if I continue to live a good life like him, I will go where he is. God knows our hearts and souls and will make sure everything ends up right in the end.

Today is one of those "im doing okay" days. I feel him strong in my heart and it gives me strength to keep going for him. I want to be strong like he was, I want to make him proud. Tomorrow, ill wake up again in crippling saddness, but I'll breath. Ill look at our honeymoon pictures from just a month ago. ill touch his urn and ring the biker bells sitting next to it, Ill take care of our dog and scratch her the way he scratched her, and I'll try and get through the day.

 

[Francine]

On 8/11/2017 at 10:27 AM, KayC said:

Me too, Francine.  I so look forward to that!  Sometimes I have to remind myself that my focus shouldn't be only on getting to be with George again, but being in the very presence of God Himself!

Hallelujah! You are so spot on and absolutely correct.  Being in the presence of God - man, that's something to look forward to and an added bonus - Charles and I together, forever.  Wishful thinking, but I'd like to I consider myself a princess; not because I'll be reunited with my prince (Charles), but because my Father is the ultimate King and HE is God.  If God is all we have, then we have all we need.

[Francine]

3 hours ago, AlwaysDee said:

The fear of death comes now in not wanting to leave my loved ones behind.  I am in so much pain, they are in so much pain, if something happened to me, I couldn't bare to put them through that. I have a little sister who means so much to me. Shes just lost her brother (in law) who she considered more of a dad than her own, if she lost me it would scar her forever. I can't leave them behind. I'm not worried for me, bc I know John is waiting for me. But I'm scared to lose anyone else, and I'm scared to go, bc I dont want my family to suffer anymore.

I was at the top of the stairs that 2nd week and I thought, maybe if I threw myself down them I'd die, and I could be with him. and I heard him almost shout at me in my head "are you kidding me? seriously? you want to do that to your sister, mom and best friend? really? you know better dee." and hes right.

I feel you. But know that eventually, we all must take that journey, because that's what we're here to do. And when our time comes, know that death is not end, it's simply a new beginning to everlasting life; an amazing transition into a new world called "Heaven".     So might I suggest that you don't let a single day go by that you don't think of your family; spend time together, be kind and serve one another. Make no room for regrets and don't let the busy world of today keep you from showing how much you love and appreciate them. Tell them you love them and will always be there for them because yesterday is gone, today's almost over and tomorrow is not promised.  God bless and keep you safe, keep all of us safe. 

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Francine said:

Hallelujah! You are so spot on and absolutely correct.  Being in the presence of God - man, that's something to look forward to and an added bonus

I guess I don't think about it more because that's something we haven't experienced yet and so it feels more far removed...whereas I have experienced my life with George.  I really don't know what these changes are going to mean for us.  Will we ever have time alone in heaven?  Will we share a home?  I guess I felt like our life here was pretty heavenly, it's hard to imagine anything else!  And of course there are some things it's hard to conceive, how there can be billions of people and God can be there for each one of them all at once...kind of mind-boggling.  But then it's that way now, we just don't think about it that much.  We talk to Him, listen to Him, without realizing He's also listening and speaking to so many others at the same time.  Omnipresent...hard for our minds to fathom.

[AlwaysDee]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

I guess I don't think about it more because that's something we haven't experienced yet and so it feels more far removed...whereas I have experienced my life with George.  I really don't know what these changes are going to mean for us.  Will we ever have time alone in heaven?  Will we share a home?  I guess I felt like our life here was pretty heavenly, it's hard to imagine anything else!  And of course there are some things it's hard to conceive, how there can be billions of people and God can be there for each one of them all at once...kind of mind-boggling.  But then it's that way now, we just don't think about it that much.  We talk to Him, listen to Him, without realizing He's also listening and speaking to so many others at the same time.  Omnipresent...hard for our minds to fathom.

Totally with you. My life was perfect with John so its so hard to imagine anything better.

I was raised that ultimately God speaks to your heart. That spirituality is very personal and only your heart and soul, and the conversations they have with God are what really matters. Lately in my thoughts with John I feel like he is someplace we can't even comprehend. I know hes okay, our souls are so intertwined I can feel that he's okay.

Its my feeling and opinion that we are just specks on this planet filled with a mighty soul trudging through this life, learning to be the best we can be. I truly believe this world isn't the final destination, and whats on the other side is something can't even fathom. I don't think any of us know for sure. No book written by men, no church, or temple or anything or anyone knows the answer for sure. But in the end, I know that so long as we are truly good, our souls will be in the right place. I feel like we have to get through this sucky, sucky, life and if we can get through this world with our goodness and humanity intact, that God or whatever and whoever is on the other side will make sure we are welcomed with open arms into something amazing.

I think of God as not the cause and result of things but a presence, a guiding hand helping us make the right decisions, helping us back up when we fall, reassuring us when we feel hopeless... less of one guy in the sky sifting through never ending prayer emails, and more like the air we breath. We cant see it, but its everywhere and we need it to live. An all loving God knows our hearts and souls and knows whats important in the grand scheme of eternal life. We are attached to our soul mates for a reason and I feel in my soul that I will be with him again.

Hope I'm not rambling.

[Sadaf Nazim]

On 8/11/2017 at 8:57 PM, KayC said:

Me too, Francine.  I so look forward to that!  Sometimes I have to remind myself that my focus shouldn't be only on getting to be with George again, but being in the very presence of God Himself!

Spot on kayC! My thoughts exactly. 

[Eagle-96]

Even when I lose focus and feel more strongly about being with Lori when I die than with God I know that He put those thoughts within me. Maybe it's His way of causing me to examine what's truly in my heart. It's hard though. The heart wants what the heart wants.

[KayC]

Always Dee,

I feel the same way about all that you wrote too!
 

Sean,

Yep, the heart wants what the heart wants.  I've long ago quit hoping for him to come back, I know that's not going to happen, but I do look forward to the day we can be reunited!

[KMB]

4 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

Even when I lose focus and feel more strongly about being with Lori when I die than with God I know that He put those thoughts within me. Maybe it's His way of causing me to examine what's truly in my heart. It's hard though. The heart wants what the heart wants.

That is a nice way of looking at it. That you know that God put those thoughts within you, of you wanting to be with Lori in eternal life. God knows what is in our hearts and He will grant that wish when the time comes.