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I lost my husband 2 weeks ago


Ray123

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 Just don't believe it !  I am in complete shock! He was 40 ! I don't know what's going on with my mind! I saw him, I went to the funeral but it still feels like he's coming home! I have cried some but I fear something might be wrong because i can't seem to believe it or let it out! We have 2 kids 16 and 20! I don't know how I'm suppose to do this! He was my best friend we always did everything together! We weren't social we always wanted it to just be us! We meet at age 15 ! I thought we were going to have forever or at least grow old! People keep telling me they understand yet there husbands are still with them! My heart hearts so much and the thought of never seeing him again or touching him, that smile ! I'm also overwhelmed with  Financial worry people say stop worrying it will all take care of itself but it was the main provider. He was the best man he did everything for me and our kids! 

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Its been two weeks for me as well since I lost my husband. He was 29, We still don't know what happened to him. He was healthy, didn't drink or do drugs... I feel similar to you, complete shock, disbelief. I keep waiting for him to walk down the hall, show up anywhere. I know hes gone, but everything in me keeps saying "he'll be inside when you walk in." "wake up, he'll be on the couch waiting for you". I don't understand how I can know hes gone but still try and tell myself this is an elaborate hoax.

We we're trying for kids but do not have any, we thought we had time, I ache for a piece of him, It kills me he couldn't be a daddy. We also did everything together, best friends, us against the world.        I hate the people who keep telling me they are grieving him too, that they are so heartbroken. I know they are but its not the same... at the end of the day they get to lay in bed with their special someone. We go to bed alone. I was a homemaker, so the financial worry is real as well.

I know none of this is helpful advice... Maybe someone on here can tell you, and me, it gets easier. But, I can tell you, you aren't alone in how you feel.

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Ray, I'm so very sorry for your loss. It's hard enough losing your soulmate without having to worry about money as well. This is all so very new to you right now. The shock and numbness still with you. It's hard to keep expecting them to walk through the door. Slowly the numb and fog fades and the reality sets in. Please come here to read or post when you feel up to it as there is a wealth of knowledge here to help you on your journey. I wish you nothing but peace and comfort

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8 hours ago, Ray123 said:

 Just don't believe it !  I am in complete shock! He was 40 ! I don't know what's going on with my mind! I saw him, I went to the funeral but it still feels like he's coming home! I have cried some but I fear something might be wrong because i can't seem to believe it or let it out! We have 2 kids 16 and 20! I don't know how I'm suppose to do this! He was my best friend we always did everything together! We weren't social we always wanted it to just be us! We meet at age 15 ! I thought we were going to have forever or at least grow old! People keep telling me they understand yet there husbands are still with them! My heart hearts so much and the thought of never seeing him again or touching him, that smile ! I'm also overwhelmed with  Financial worry people say stop worrying it will all take care of itself but it was the main provider. He was the best man he did everything for me and our kids! 

I am so sorry for your loss and sometimes words are inadequate; but know they are from the heart. From your post, you seemed like you had a good loving relationship and loved one another very much.   When my Charles left this earth (I still find it difficult to say, died) it was the biggest shock of my entire life; nothing prepared me for it; there were no manuals or instructions on how one gets through losing half of themselves.  I still live each day wondering how I will get through it  - and then I remember, my Charles would have wanted me to. 

What you are suppose to do, for now, is grieve your husband; the man you love; the man you shared your life with; your protector; best friend; the father of your children; your provider; your other half.  At times you may feel confused; fearful; guilty; angry; and very lonely - that is only natural.  The pain is hard and you are unsure which pain is worse -  the shock of what happened or the ache that never will.  It won't always hurt this much.  You and your children will get through this and your lives will be OK because you're family and being family means you are part of something very wonderful; it is, without doubt, the greatest wealth that you will ever posses. Treasure every moment, good and bad, and take the time to ensure that the story you create with your family is one that you will be proud of and look back on with a huge smile.  During this journey you're on, I've learned to appreciate people comforting words, but they will never truly understand what you are going through until it happens to them. 

Death of a love one can and often sets off a domino effect of change, adjustment and additional losses such as income, home, financial security and home just to name a few.  My husband and I were both retired with a limited income but we were adjusting.  Having your income literally cut in half is very difficult especially if you have children, but somehow, someway, God will provide. HIS ways are often different than ours, but HE always provides. 

Continue to post!  My prayers are with you and your children to get through this horrific ordeal you find yourself in - you will, after all, you're family.  And we are your family as well.  Stay strong and God Bless.

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Ray I am so sorry, we are supposed to grow old next to the person we loved, next to our soulmate, but life is unfair and bad thing happens, my boyfriend died two months ago and he was only 26 years old, we haven't start living when life took him away. No chance of marrying, of having kids, no chance to grow old, no chance to achieve goals.

Support yourself in your kids, they are old enough to understand what you are going through, support each other, and grieve as much as you need, we can not change this awful reality and all we can do is cry, and try to honor them with our lives

 

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23 hours ago, Ray123 said:

I went to the funeral but it still feels like he's coming home! I have cried some but I fear something might be wrong because i can't seem to believe it or let it out!

It's a process, it takes a while to sink in.  It's little by little, our minds can't grasp it at once, it's too much.

I am so sorry for your loss.  This is something none of us wanted yet we find ourselves living in.  I just posted this for someone else and hope it's of help to you...you might want to print it out and save it, you may not be able to absorb or remember anything right now.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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23 hours ago, Ray123 said:

Financial worry people say stop worrying it will all take care of itself but it was the main provider. He was the best man he did everything for me and our kids! 

Make an appt. with the social security office and file for assistance for you and your kids.  Check with his work and see if they had any life insurance.  

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On 8/5/2017 at 9:45 AM, Ray123 said:

 Just don't believe it !  I am in complete shock! He was 40 ! I don't know what's going on with my mind! I saw him, I went to the funeral but it still feels like he's coming home! I have cried some but I fear something might be wrong because i can't seem to believe it or let it out!

I'm so very sorry for your loss.  I know from personal experience that it's devastating.  I lost my husband to a massive heart attack in 2005.  He was 35 years old.  We spent 15 years together and during those years we had two children whom were ages 8 and 14 at the time of his death.  His death was sudden and overwhelming for all of us.  Like you, I had a very difficult time with the concept that he was gone.  For the longest time, I kept expecting him to come walking through the door.  A few months after his death, I was in the shower and found myself thinking, "My God, I haven't heard from him in so long."  I had to remind myself that he wasn't here anymore.  I think that moment was when my mind finally accepted the finality of what had happened.  I totally broke down.   I remember feeling this tremendous, heart-wrenching wave of loss and hearing this loud sobbing.  It sounded like the sobbing was coming from a distance.  It took me a few minutes to realize that I was the one making all that noise.  I couldn't control it.  It hurt so bad, I could barely catch my breath.  It was a very scary and weird moment.  I know it may not seem possible at this point, but there will come a time when your grief isn't so raw and consuming.  It won't happen all at once, but you will gradually learn to cope with your new normal and move forward with your life.  Financial hardship only compounds the grief.  You should contact the social security administration to inquire about survivor benefits for you and your children.  That income should help lift some of that financial stress off of your shoulders.  I'll be keeping you in my prayers - praying for God's love to ease your pain and financial burden and for Him to hold you close in his loving and healing hands.

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Ray123, I am deeply sorry for your loss.

On 8/5/2017 at 8:45 AM, Ray123 said:

I don't know how I'm suppose to do this! He was my best friend we always did everything together! We weren't social we always wanted it to just be us!

None of us know "how to do this". But, somehow, we do. My marriage was similar to yours. My husband and I did everything together. We were not overly social either and preferred being in the company of each other. This is the hardest trial of our lives to overcome and it is very hard. We don't want this different, unwanted life. We were not given a choice in the matter. But, we do have the choice in moving forward, or being stuck. Some of us are stuck for a long time, but it is not healthy to stay there ( I found that out the hard way for myself). Our husbands would want for us to try to move forward.  Just try. One step, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.

Please, keep coming here to read posts. Express yourself when you feel the need. We listen, empathize, encourage. We are here for each other.  (HUGS)

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