Father died unexpectedly

[Emmy]

I've never really had to deal with loss until now, and it's completely true that you have no idea what it's like until you do, and it's horrible. I miss my Dad so much. I've lived with my Dad for about 4 years now. He was 74 and I'm 34. I was back in school and working part-time. It was nice for him because he had some company (he never remarried) and I would help him out with stuff when he needed it. We didn't spend a lot of time together but got used to seeing each other practically daily, and sometimes would watch a show together on T.V. He always kept his bedroom door closed, whether or not he was in the room. The last time I saw him was Friday afternoon, before I headed into work at 3:30. We said our normal goodbyes and I came back around 9:30 and went to my room shortly after having a quick bite, since I had to be up at for work again at 9am. He usually is out of the house before me (he's an early riser) and goes to swim laps at the pool almost every day. It didn't surprise me not to see him. I came back home for a bit between 5:30-7  before I went back out again to see a show with my friends and his door was closed so I figured he was taking a nap or out grabbing a bite to eat, then I came back again maybe around 11pm and his door was still closed, so I figured he was sleeping. The next day, I woke up on the late side, and figured he was out of the house early doing his laps, and maybe getting some food, or going to the school he taught at. It did seem odd that he was away for so long though...I was just about to leave for work to be there at 3:30 and I noticed the top lock was still locked, and that one could only be locked from the inside, so of course then I had the sudden terrible realization that he was inside the whole time, and I knew something was wrong. I opened up his door and was calling for him, and then I saw he was under the covers, and he was cold and blue. I don't even remembered how I managed to call 911, but I was sobbing and trying to remember if I still knew how to do CPR...but I think deep down I knew there was nothing I could do...I felt for his pulse and there was none. The dispatcher kept me on the phone until the police arrived. There are so many things that are upsetting to me about what happened: I can't believe I was in the other rooms in the house not having any idea that he had passed (based on the last times he communicated it was late fri/early sat morning) so that was a day and a half that I didn't know. I still feel awful about it....I also had never seen a dead person before, and I can't believe the first person I ever saw was the person I loved the most. My dad was so special, and I didn't realize how special, and I didn't get a chance to say goodbye. Part of what makes me so sad is all the future memories we'll never have (my graduating PA school, maybe having kids) and when I think to myself that i'll never get to see him again my heart just breaks. I feel so cheated of all this time I thought i'd have with my Dad, and that I didn't get to tell him how much I loved him, and to thank him for how selfless he's been all these years. I still can't believe this is real, my heart won't believe it even though I know it's real it's like I can't accept it, until there are times when it hits me hard, when something reminds me of him. I just feel like there's a part of me missing that i'll never get back, now that he's gone. It's unreal to me that someone is in your life for 34 years, and then poof they are gone just like that, and you have to figure out how to live without having them around. It's the worst thing that's ever happened to me, and I don't know that i'll ever be able to get over it. I'm starting a support group next week, hopefully that will help me to feel not so alone. 

[MissionBlue]

Dear Emmy:

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.  It is extremely hard to lose a beloved parent, especially so suddenly.  You are not to blame for anything that happened.  How could you ever expect this when your dear dad was still so active and independent?   Even though my dad was 86 when I lost him, and in poor health for years, it was still a horrible shock when he died.  I always knew he was a wonderful person, but we never fully realize just how special our fathers are until they are gone.  I also feel so sad about the future memories we won't share.  I am in the process of selling my home and I wish so much that my dad could enjoy my new home with me.  My dad and I lived in the same house for 54 years.   He was my best friend and the only person I could trust completely.  I also have to learn how to live without someone who was always there for me and I for him.   My heart goes out to you!   Your dad was so lucky to have you with him.  He knew you loved him.  Seeing you almost daily and watching tv shows together  I'm sure made his life happier than it otherwise would have been.  My dad never remarried either after his divorce.  I hope that you find the grief support group helpful.  Just knowing that others feel exactly like we do, can help us not to feel so alone and overwhelmed.  God bless you and grant you strength and resilience during this very difficult time. 

[sadandlost]

Dear Emmy,

I am so deeply sorry for your heartbreaking loss.  You must be traumatised.  Loosing a parent is traumatising in itself but your story is very traumatic.  Just terrible.  My heart goes out to you.  I can't even imagine how you felt finding him.  Of course none of it is your fault.  If you found him one day earlier would it have made a difference?  Its a terrible shock and that feeling of disbelief unable to absorb what has happened will go on for a while.  I am glad you are seeking help.  You must.

It sounds like you had a special and beautiful relationship with your dad that no doubt he valued.  I am so sorry for the road you have ahead of you.  All of us are here because of our grief.  All I know is that grief is long, sad and lonely.  Stay in the support group as long as you can.  So sorry for your loss.

[reader]

Dear Emmy,

My deepest condolences and sympathies. I'm so sorry for your loss. I feel for you because everything you wrote reminds me so much of me and my dad.

I hope the support group will be helpful in your grief journey.

Please know you are not alone. We are all here to listen and support you.

Thinking of you. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.