TooDevastated

My soulmate/best friend died

52 posts in this topic

1 hour ago, KMB said:

That is so harsh, cruel! it has only been a couple months since your loss. It is beyond me how some people treat others in the manner they do. Your own family at that! Love, loss, grieving, all go together and no one has the right to put a time frame on that.

Maybe, in time, you could get your own place, become interested in your career again. It would give you something to focus on. Your partner would want you to live a good life, complete your dreams for him, yourself.  (HUGS)

It has been 5 days and a month since he died... And I am really not sure if I will ever be interested in my career plans again. 

HE was the one supporting me regardless of anything, being there for me whenever Id need it, knowing what to say/hot to comfort me when I was down. How do I live without that? 

How does this pain get less? Does it ever get less? 

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I felt the same, We had planned a lot of things and he was supporting me to start my Master next year, and now it feel meaningless

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I wish I had an answer.  Yesterday marked one month since Russell died.  I don't know if or how I'll get through this - I only know that I have to try.  Sometimes it seems impossible.  Sometimes I want to give up and pray that I die too so we can be together again. But I talk to him and know that he wants me to keep trying.  So I do...

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8 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

Eagle-96,

You are so lucky have your child together. You have got your wifes most precious part with you to love and cherish for the rest of your life even though she herself is gone, you have the chance to look at her/him and see your lovely wife..

Eagle-96, I just realised it may not be you who said you had a child! If I mixed you up with someone else, sorry! Sorry! Sorry! 

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5 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

Eagle-96, I just realised it may not be you who said you had a child! If I mixed you up with someone else, sorry! Sorry! Sorry! 

No worries at all. This is a forum where apologies are not necessary. It's hard enough to go about our daily lives trying to survive, let alone keep everyone's stories straight. We did not have children by our own conscious decision. We gave 100% of our love to each other and I have no regrets. 

 

The pain of this loss will be with us forever. Others that are farther in to this reality have said that while the pain may not lessen, our ability to adjust and live with it increases. The hard reality is that we have lost the most important thing in our lives. Our soulmates will always be with us but so will the longing for them. I am not sure I want the pain to go away. I fear that if it does, Lori will be slipping away from me again. The terrible thing is that unlike most things in life, there is not an instruction manual to guide us through this. 

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2 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

No worries at all. This is a forum where apologies are not necessary. It's hard enough to go about our daily lives trying to survive, let alone keep everyone's stories straight. We did not have children by our own conscious decision. We gave 100% of our love to each other and I have no regrets. 

Thanks for the understanding!

2 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

The pain of this loss will be with us forever. Others that are farther in to this reality have said that while the pain may not lessen, our ability to adjust and live with it increases. The hard reality is that we have lost the most important thing in our lives. Our soulmates will always be with us but so will the longing for them. I am not sure I want the pain to go away. I fear that if it does, Lori will be slipping away from me again. The terrible thing is that unlike most things in life, there is not an instruction manual to guide us through this. 

I too have felt that if the pain passes away, my boyfriend will then be truly gone. Actually, this is what I have felt like eversince I found out he collapsed and they couldnt revive him...

Are we now doomed to a life in solitude having our better halves gone? Doomed to a life in agony until it's our time to re-unite with them? 

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26 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

Are we now doomed to a life in solitude having our better halves gone? Doomed to a life in agony until it's our time to re-unite with them? 

That is a decision that each of us has to make, so to speak. Some choose to seek love again. To make the choice to search for love and companionship while knowing the devastation of the loss of your soulmate is a brave endeavor. I work with a woman that has lost two husbands. I can't imagine the pain and heartache she feels. Others choose to live the rest of their days without seeking another relationship and that's ok too. For me personally, I made a vow to Lori when we got married that said forever. I meant my forever too and at 45 years old it is a daunting task indeed not knowing if I'll have another 30 years without her. 

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2 minutes ago, Eagle-96 said:

That is a decision that each of us has to make, so to speak. Some choose to seek love again. To make the choice to search for love and companionship while knowing the devastation of the loss of your soulmate is a brave endeavor. I work with a woman that has lost two husbands. I can't imagine the pain and heartache she feels. Others choose to live the rest of their days without seeking another relationship and that's ok too. For me personally, I made a vow to Lori when we got married that said forever. I meant my forever too and at 45 years old it is a daunting task indeed not knowing if i'll have another 30 years without her. 

We did not get to get married or make official vows in front of people. But we loved each other and have chosen each other as companions in life. I cant start seeking love again knowing the my true soulmate is "out there" waiting to unite with me again one day.

Just because he died all of a sudden does not change my decision that he was the best and only one for me. He spent the rest of his life with me and I plan on doing the same. I cant settle for anything less than him. That being said, I agree that the choice to search for love and companionship while knowing the devastation of the loss of your soulmate is a brave endeavor. 

It is too hard to even think about isnt it? Being have to live (maybe) for decades after losing the best part of our lives... 

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19 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

It has been 5 days and a month since he died... And I am really not sure if I will ever be interested in my career plans again. 

HE was the one supporting me regardless of anything, being there for me whenever Id need it, knowing what to say/hot to comfort me when I was down. How do I live without that? 

How does this pain get less? Does it ever get less? 

My response isn't showing up here, so not sure what happened, I probably exited out before it fully saved. :(  You ask about the pain getting less...yes it does.  We could not survive this if the intensity of pain did not lessen, it'd be too hard to bear.  It's hard enough to bear up under what we do have to in those early days/months, even years.  But just as our bodies have a way of recuperating and healing, so does the inside of us, we eventually adjust to this new life as we process our loss and grief.  I don't know of anything that I've ever been called upon to do that was any harder, yet I've made it through it, we all do.  

 

7 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

We did not get to get married or make official vows in front of people. But we loved each other and have chosen each other as companions in life. I cant start seeking love again knowing the my true soulmate is "out there" waiting to unite with me again one day.

Just because he died all of a sudden does not change my decision that he was the best and only one for me. He spent the rest of his life with me and I plan on doing the same. I cant settle for anything less than him. That being said, I agree that the choice to search for love and companionship while knowing the devastation of the loss of your soulmate is a brave endeavor. 

It is too hard to even think about isnt it? Being have to live (maybe) for decades after losing the best part of our lives... 

Nor should you have to.  Whether or not to seek love again is an individual decision, some do, some don't.  I cherish the time I shared with George, to me there will never be another like him, not even close.  I have decided to remember and cherish what we have together because I draw comfort and encouragement knowing I was blessed with the greatest love of all time.  In my honest opinion, I think the ones here, right here on this site, are the ones who knew what it was to have a wonderful soulmate relationship, they are the ones at the end of the day that struggle to continue in the face of this loss, but doing it, wanting to make them proud, drawing strength from the love that continues still.  It's hard when we can't hold them, talk to them, but I feel like it's a walking on faith kind of thing, much like when they'd go on a trip, and we'd have to have faith in our love when we were apart...only difference is now we don't have a date they're coming home, and we don't know how long it'll be until we see them again.  But I have complete faith and hope that we WILL.

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On 11.08.2017 at 2:23 AM, KayC said:

Nor should you have to.  Whether or not to seek love again is an individual decision, some do, some don't.  I cherish the time I shared with George, to me there will never be another like him, not even close.  I have decided to remember and cherish what we have together because I draw comfort and encouragement knowing I was blessed with the greatest love of all time.  In my honest opinion, I think the ones here, right here on this site, are the ones who knew what it was to have a wonderful soulmate relationship, they are the ones at the end of the day that struggle to continue in the face of this loss, but doing it, wanting to make them proud, drawing strength from the love that continues still.  It's hard when we can't hold them, talk to them, but I feel like it's a walking on faith kind of thing, much like when they'd go on a trip, and we'd have to have faith in our love when we were apart...only difference is now we don't have a date they're coming home, and we don't know how long it'll be until we see them again.  But I have complete faith and hope that we WILL.

Thanks for your words KayC. I wish people would stop telling me I have to keep living. That I have to find someone else that I am too young to spend a life alone. 

I want to scream at all of these "well-meaning" people SHUT UP!!! 

I wish the pain would get less. But it seems like the more I miss him the more it hurts. Everyday I cry more and hurt more. 

I had to go to the hospital yesterday because of heavy pains in my chest. The doctors found an anomaly in my heart but havent yet given a diagnosis. (Im wearing a holter device for 24 hours so they'll know whats wrong soon).

I have been up all night staring at the walls and ceiling.. And fantasized something would be severely wrong with my heart so I'd find out I dont have a lot of time left! Thats my fantasies now! A scenario in which I dont kill myself but a health issue or a natural disaster etc. kills me very soon so I can go and be with my boyfriend in that other dimension. 

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I'm so sorry!  But I'm glad you sought help and I hope they can give you some relief.  My sister has a hole in her heart and they didn't discover it until her 60s, they were able to put her on some medicine and she has more energy now.  I don't see how medicine can help a hole in the heart but it seems to.

I do understand your fantasies, I feel that way sometimes too but I have my dog and cat to live for so I pray I outlive them, they deserve the best care.

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TooDevastated, I am sorry you have been suffering chest pains and also relieved you sought out help. Please, keep us updated!

I also understand your fantasies, have had them myself many times. But, I am healthy as far as I know. And, like KayC, I also have a dog and cat to keep going for. They are in their elderly years. They cling to me, only a couple feet away, since my husband passed. My dog has aged quite a bit since he lost his buddy. His hearing is going and he sleeps more and more. We give and receive comfort from each other. I'm dreading the day I lose them. What is left of our little family will be gone someday, except for me.

Sending prayers and hugs to you!

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6 hours ago, KayC said:

I do understand your fantasies, I feel that way sometimes too but I have my dog and cat to live for so I pray I outlive them, they deserve the best care.

I have an appointment with the doctor on monday so I will know then I suppose. I dont have any pets to look after or anything to look forward to (not anymore) really. But I'm glad I'm not alone in these fantasies! It means I havent gone completely mental right?

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5 hours ago, KMB said:

TooDevastated, I am sorry you have been suffering chest pains and also relieved you sought out help. Please, keep us updated!

I will! I have an appointment with the doctor on Monday. I hope they give me a diagnosis then. I'd actually be happy if they said something like "Sorry for bringing these news but you have a few months left as your condition is serious". Its a relief that I am not completely alone with these thoughts...

I'm glad you have companions. Especially from the days you were still together. I'm sure its a great comfort. 

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On 11/8/2017 at 11:45 PM, TooDevastated said:

And fantasized something would be severely wrong with my heart so I'd find out I dont have a lot of time left

I've been there too, I still thinking about something happening to me. But as KayC and KMB I own two bunnies, I love them and I know no one take care of them if a leave.

Once a read about a heart disease associated with suffering, when a person is going through a long period of sadness and suffering the heart due to the stress increases his size and it can cause a lot of pain and arrhythmia.

I've been struggling even more lately, after two months I am fully conscious of my reality, thinking: Mario is dead, hits me deeper and I can't help it, I always end up crying, details and memories are even more painful than before. 

This is awful and unfair    

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21 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I will! I have an appointment with the doctor on Monday. I hope they give me a diagnosis then. I'd actually be happy if they said something like "Sorry for bringing these news but you have a few months left as your condition is serious". Its a relief that I am not completely alone with these thoughts...

I'm glad you have companions. Especially from the days you were still together. I'm sure its a great comfort. 

I think a lot of us have the same thoughts. I used to go to grief support meetings. I had a couple of long phone conversations with the coordinator of that group. I got the usual pep talks. "You have a life to finish out. You have to develop a new life, new friends. Go out, have fun. Maybe, in time, start dating again." All things you don't want to hear, but it is for your own good. How does anyone know what is good for me, but me?

Yes, my pets do provide companionship. It is not the same as when my husband was here, though. We would always tease each other about who spoiled them the worst. Last night, the dog had me out of bed at 2 AM because he had to go out. If my husband were here, he would have teased me about it. Nothing is how it used to be and I carry around this constant cloud of sadness.

I apologize for mixing up your time frame in one of my earlier posts. I believe I mentioned 2 months and it has only been a little over a month for you. We read so many posts here and respond that it isn't easy keeping everyone's info straight.

My thoughts will be with you tomorrow and your doctor appointment.:wub:

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11 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

Once a read about a heart disease associated with suffering, when a person is going through a long period of sadness and suffering the heart due to the stress increases his size and it can cause a lot of pain and arrhythmia.

Maybe this is what is referred to as "broken heart syndrome"?  I've read a little about it. But, it most likely happens to the elderly who already have underlying health issues when they lose a souse.

 

11 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

This is awful and unfair    

It is and there is nothing we can do about it. Just face it and take it one day at time.:wub:

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TooDevestated,

I hope you'll let us know what your doctor says.  It can be hard to digest no matter what it is.  No, you'e not going crazy.

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14 hours ago, KMB said:

My thoughts will be with you tomorrow and your doctor appointment.:wub:

 

12 hours ago, KayC said:

I hope you'll let us know what your doctor says.  It can be hard to digest no matter what it is.

 

On 13.08.2017 at 10:02 AM, Ka9219 said:

Once a read about a heart disease associated with suffering, when a person is going through a long period of sadness and suffering the heart due to the stress increases his size and it can cause a lot of pain and arrhythmia. 

Thanks everyone. The doctor said I have arrhythmia in my heart and it is very likely to be permanent. But it is not fatal and I need to take a pill everyday. 

He said we cant know for sure whether or not it is caused by sadness but stress has a huge impact on heart. 

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TooDevastated,

You are most assuredly not alone in your thoughts. Before Lori died, I would be concerned with pains, ailments, things that didn't feel right, etc... I felt that way because I had someone to live for. I had Lori to grow old with so I would fear the terminal diagnosis or condition. I would go to the doctor to get checked out because I wanted to be around for Lori. Now I don't have that. I don't fear death. If the doctor called me tomorrow and said I had six months to live then I would say thanks and start counting the days until I could be with Lori. If treatments were offered I would likely politely decline and just bide my much shortened time. Yet another complete 180 turn in our lives that we neither wanted nor asked for. 

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8 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

Thanks everyone. The doctor said I have arrhythmia in my heart and it is very likely to be permanent. But it is not fatal and I need to take a pill everyday. 

He said we cant know for sure whether or not it is caused by sadness but stress has a huge impact on heart. 

Thank you for letting us know. At least you know for sure, and it is logical that the stress of grieving has an impact on us physically, not just emotionally/mentally.:wub:

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1 hour ago, Eagle-96 said:

You are most assuredly not alone in your thoughts. Before Lori died, I would be concerned with pains, ailments, things that didn't feel right, etc... I felt that way because I had someone to live for. I had Lori to grow old with so I would fear the terminal diagnosis or condition. I would go to the doctor to get checked out because I wanted to be around for Lori. Now I don't have that. I don't fear death. If the doctor called me tomorrow and said I had six months to live then I would say thanks and start counting the days until I could be with Lori. If treatments were offered I would likely politely decline and just bide my much shortened time. Yet another complete 180 turn in our lives that we neither wanted nor asked for. 

I feel the same as you. I no longer fear death. While Ed was here, I was into healthy eating, taking supplements, walking, staying active. That has all flown out the window the day he had to leave. Eating healthier, taking his meds, supplements, wasn't of any help to him in the long run. I still have not regained any appetite. When I do eat, it is an unhealthy quick choice just to stave off the hunger pains. Everything is tasteless. I still go for the occasional short walk. Mostly to relieve some stress and the ever present restless, anxious feelings.

I know this sounds negative,gives a sense of hopelessness, but, it is where I am at currently. I don't recommend this for anyone.

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On 14.08.2017 at 9:05 PM, KMB said:

I feel the same as you. I no longer fear death. While Ed was here, I was into healthy eating, taking supplements, walking, staying active. That has all flown out the window the day he had to leave. Eating healthier, taking his meds, supplements, wasn't of any help to him in the long run. I still have not regained any appetite. When I do eat, it is an unhealthy quick choice just to stave off the hunger pains. Everything is tasteless. I still go for the occasional short walk. Mostly to relieve some stress and the ever present restless, anxious feelings.

I know this sounds negative,gives a sense of hopelessness, but, it is where I am at currently. I don't recommend this for anyone.

This is exactly what I feel like.

 

On 14.08.2017 at 6:52 PM, Eagle-96 said:

Before Lori died, I would be concerned with pains, ailments, things that didn't feel right, etc... I felt that way because I had someone to live for. I had Lori to grow old with so I would fear the terminal diagnosis or condition. I would go to the doctor to get checked out because I wanted to be around for Lori. Now I don't have that. I don't fear death. If the doctor called me tomorrow and said I had six months to live then I would say thanks and start counting the days until I could be with Lori. If treatments were offered I would likely politely decline and just bide my much shortened time. Yet another complete 180 turn in our lives that we neither wanted nor asked for. 

Exactly. There is no one I live for now. That part of my life is closed for good. I am living but not really alive. I have loved ones but thats not a good enough motivation to keep me going.

My appetite isnt back. Never had a big appetite anyways. I feel like my body is giving up. I feel weaker and weaker everyday and its harder to focus on work/daily tasks as well. 

I dont know whats to happen to me now... I am trying really hard not to push everyone away.

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1 hour ago, TooDevastated said:

I feel like my body is giving up. I feel weaker and weaker everyday and its harder to focus on work/daily tasks as well. 

I dont know whats to happen to me now... I am trying really hard not to push everyone away.

Hang in there the best you can. I lost 25 pounds in the beginning. I have gained some back, but only because I go for the comfort of chocolate. Which is supposed to raise your feel good endorphins or whatever the scientific jargon is. I don't care about any of that though, except chocolate is comforting and tastes good. i don't have much taste for anything else. We are here with you, every step of the way!  (HUGS):wub:

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