Bereavement Support Group

[Azipod]

Last night, I attended for the very first time, one of several bereavement support groups which are offered for free in my community.  The one that I attended last night, is a general bereavement group (loss of all kinds) that is held on a weekly basis.  All participants are free to come as often as they like.  It is a "drop in" group.     Last night, there were about 15 attendees.   Most were women.

In short, I think it was helpful for me.  Things are still early for me (today is the 32nd day since my loss), but it was better than sitting at home to grief alone.   In my session, the facilitator opened the floor up to anyone who wanted to talk.  We were all seated in a small conference room, in a circle, facing each other.   They placed a plant in the middle of the circle, with boxes of tissues around it.    The only thing they ask is that you identify your name, who you loss, and that person's name.    After that, you can say whatever you want.   We had a group of about 15, and in the 1 hour and 45 minutes, only about 5-6 spoke, including myself.

I recognized last night that all losses are tragic.  It didn't matter who you lost, whether it was a sibling, parent, or significant other.  Everyone grieves.  And grief affects everyone differently.  I also recognized that I am lucky to have my wife pass peacefully, abeit suddenly.     There was a young gal who talked about losing her mom after she spent nearly 3-months in ICU -- that sounds really difficult.   And then there are spouses that loss their partner for who they've been married to for decades.    Everyone's loss is unique in their own way.   I also felt that it was a very "safe and supportive" environment to grieve, and not have to worry about being judged or whether your feelings are appropriate.

I'm signed up for some other upcoming grief support groups that are specific for the loss of a spouse.  I'm looking forward to it.   Please take the time to research what's available in your community and take advantage of these services if they are available.   I think every support group is different, based on format, demographics, environment, or the faciliator.   It may make sense to try more than one.

 

[KMB]

I am glad that you gave it a try and it was a positive experience for you. I wish I had access to a 'drop in" weekly group. It is a convenient opportunity. The grief support I attended was once a month for 1 1/2 hrs. Some participants, like me, wished for weekly sessions, or even every 2 weeks. Especially in the first several months, when a person might have need of support on a continual basis, depending on their situation of a family/friend support system. It is so fortunate you signed up and have access to a support group for loss of spouse.  I think a specific loss group would be much more helpful, beneficial, due to so much more sharing in the commonalities of each type of loss. I wish you well with the support groups. Please, keep us updated and know that we are here for you also.  (HUGS)

[Francine]

When I first lost my Charles, I didn't think I needed to see anyone - I was against it; but at the request of my daughter, I reluctantly agreed to see a grief counselor.  Horrible; a waste of time and money - I told myself, never again.  My daughter felt really bad and suggested perhaps seeing another one.  Once again I reluctantly agreed; only this time, it was great.  This one-on-one grief session met weekly and was just what I needed.  The counselor and I bounded and he was able to really reach me so that I was able to release all the built-up frustration, pain, anger and love stored inside.  I even joined a bereavement counseling  group sponsored by the church which is just as helpful.  It's amazing just knowing you are not alone and others  are there supporting you along this journey.   Unfortunately, it too only meets once a month and since my health insurance changed, I am unable to continue my one-on-one session.   I was able to see my one-on-one counselor for 5 months and in those 5 months, I saw and so did he, a change in me.  Anything is worth it if it helps the person it was intended to help.   I'm glad that you have signed yourself up for more groups; anything we can do to help us with this loss is worth its weight in gold.

[Eagle-96]

I am really glad you had a good experience there. I hope you find the comfort and understanding that you are seeking from this. Keep us updated on how it's going.

[KayC]

Azipod,

I'm so glad your experience was positive.  It's true, it's not a one size fits all, some are a better fit than others, as Francine discovered. It's good to try another if the first one doesn't seem right for you, whether a grief counselor or a grief support group.

[Djh0901kc]

I haven't been able to find a group in my area. The closest one was a GriefShare group an hour away. It's also a religion based thing that is more like a 12 week course. I don't think I would find it very helpful. A drop in group like you described would be ideal.

[June]

I've thought about a support group - if I can find one.  
Or one on one.  
I feel very guilty.  I keep questioning if I did everything right; if I made mistakes or wrong decisions.  I keep thinking he is angry with me.  
The doctors told me they would keep him sedated and he wouldn't suffer.  But I watched him and I'm afraid he was suffering one night till I finally told the nurse she had to call the doctor cause he seemed to be laboring to breathe so bad.  They then put him on a morphine drip that seemed to keep him under.  
I hated seeing him that way.  But I couldn't watch him suffer.  I don't know if I did the right things. 
This is tearing me apart.

 

[KayC]

Djh0901kc,

I've heard a lot about Grief/Share, have heard good things about it, I didn't realize it was religious-based.  I hope you can find a group you feel comfortable with.  Have you contacted Hospice?  They might know of something.

June,

It seems to me you did the right thing, grief is just one of those things that makes us question everything we did.

[KMB]

21 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I haven't been able to find a group in my area. The closest one was a GriefShare group an hour away. It's also a religion based thing that is more like a 12 week course. I don't think I would find it very helpful. A drop in group like you described would be ideal.

I had the same issue when I was trying to locate a group. I started with the GriefShare website and the closest one was over an hour away. I ended up calling the closest hospice (20 miles) and lucked out with their monthly support group, which is the drop in type.The downside was once a month sessions. At the time, I needed weekly or every other week but in these isolated areas like where I live, you take what you can get. Have you checked with area clinics or hospitals? Somebody connected with healthcare should have information. I was going to mention funeral homes. But I found out that a funeral home 25 miles out conducted 8 week courses right at the funeral home. That wasn't going to work for me.

[KMB]

18 hours ago, June said:

I feel very guilty.  I keep questioning if I did everything right; if I made mistakes or wrong decisions.

Of course you did the right things!  Grieving has a way of causing us to question everything.Our mind keeps searching for the scenarios where the outcome is a good one, We cannot change anything no matter how badly we wish to. So, try not to be hard on yourself. Easier said than done, I know. I went through all that myself. Those thoughts do fade with time.

[M88]

Well done Azipod, on attending the grief group.  Like some of the other posters I wish zi had one in my area. 

After my loss, a grief therapist came to my home for consults once a fortnight for months as the manner of my late partners death brought on a phobia about travelling and driving - still very much an ongoing problem.  

Two of my neighbours are also newly widowed and the one who was widowed first is very keen for us three ladies to go have lunch at a cafe at a plant nursery a few miles away,  Maybe one day in the not too distant future I'll be up to an outing like this,  but not just yet. 

We were all very keen gardeners but I haven't regained any interest in my garden yet - I see it more as time consuming and unnecessary hardwork.  

Wishing you all the best with your groups.  They sound helpul.  

 

Strength and hugs 

[Eagle-96]

2 hours ago, M88 said:

Two of my neighbours are also newly widowed and the one who was widowed first is very keen for us three ladies to go have lunch at a cafe at a plant nursery a few miles away,  Maybe one day in the not too distant future I'll be up to an outing like this,  but not just yet. 

We were all very keen gardeners but I haven't regained any interest in my garden yet - I see it more as time consuming and unnecessary hardwork.   

People want a lot of things from and for us. It's a Herculean task to get out of bed some days let alone have lunch with someone. And hobbies and interests go out the window. They say, "Oh, you used to love to do that" or "Don't you do such and such anymore". As if they are surprised that we could lose interest in things we once held so dear. I've been harping on this lately but I just wish they could understand how much we changed in the instant we lost our soulmate. 

[Francine]

On 8/4/2017 at 5:49 PM, June said:

I don't know if I did the right things.    This is tearing me apart.

You did what you could do and while we all have wondered if there was something, just anything else that we could have done to keep them here, know that we couldn't.  Take a deep breathe, regroup and stop blaming yourself when things totally out of your control, doesn't t work out.   Life can get you down, but that doesn't mean you have to stay there.  Too often I feel as if I'm falling apart and I can feel every little piece hitting the ground and it  kills me; but at the end of the day, we can either focus on what's tearing us apart, or what's holding us together.  It's so easy to give up; it's one of the easiest things in the world to do; but to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart is true strength..   I strongly suggest finding a support group or the one-on-one counselor.  Both helped me tremendously and I think they will help you as well.   Stay Strong, young lady, and know you are in my prayers.

[Eagle-96]

6 hours ago, Francine said:

It's so easy to give up; it's one of the easiest things in the world to do; but to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart is true strength.

THAT is right on the money Francine. Some people would love nothing more than for us to give up. But to find the will to go on. To continue to be the person our soulmates helped mold. That is what drives us to carry on. I want the rest of my life to be a testament to the person that Lori was and the person she made me. It won't be easy but it is what I will try to do. 

[KayC]

5 hours ago, M88 said:

Well done Azipod, on attending the grief group.  Like some of the other posters I wish zi had one in my area. 

After my loss, a grief therapist came to my home for consults once a fortnight for months as the manner of my late partners death brought on a phobia about travelling and driving - still very much an ongoing problem.  

Two of my neighbours are also newly widowed and the one who was widowed first is very keen for us three ladies to go have lunch at a cafe at a plant nursery a few miles away,  Maybe one day in the not too distant future I'll be up to an outing like this,  but not just yet. 

We were all very keen gardeners but I haven't regained any interest in my garden yet - I see it more as time consuming and unnecessary hardwork.  

Wishing you all the best with your groups.  They sound helpul.  

 

Strength and hugs 

It would be nice to go for lunch with them SOMEDAY, but not until you're ready.  Like Sean said, just getting out of bed can be hard enough for now.

I tried to keep up the gardening George loved but failed at it miserably.  I had to accept the fact that we all have different things we're good at.  As for hobbies, honestly, even now I don't have the interest I once did.  

[Francine]

4 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

I want the rest of my life to be a testament to the person that Lori was and the person she made me. It won't be easy but it is what I will try to do. 

There's nothing more to be said - except, Amen!