4 months in

[natalierbone]

I lost my partner of 15 years in April this year, very suddenly to cardiac arrest. He was only 30 years old. I was with him the entire time and I am still dealing with what I saw that night, which I am finding very hard.

Although I have days where I am feeling ok and the first fog I experienced is beginning to lift, I am also finding it difficult to understand some of the things that have come to light since his passing. 

Exactly two weeks after he died, I found a Facebook message hidden away in my spam folder that was sent in 2014, from a fake profile. The message contained such hate and vitriol towards me, and it explained that my partner was cheating on me with multiple women and had been for ages. The message named one of the women he was supposedly cheating on me with, and I knew her name. Due to the detail contained within the message, I felt compelled to confront her, hoping that the original message was as fake as it seemed but coincidental in the level of detail it contained. Unfortunately the truth came out - admittedly the woman was very brave to tell the truth given the circumstances - but she made me aware of her affair with my partner back in 2013/14 that I had absolutely no inclination about. She also confirmed he was seeing two other women before her, but she didn't know who they were. I still have no idea who the fake profile is, which unsettles me as I believe it is someone I know. 

I don't know the identities of the two other women mentioned and it's making me very wary of people, given that the one woman named in the message I knew of. I am also trying to "park" the anger brought on by this news, as there's nowhere for my anger to go. I am finding it really hard to locate and process my feelings about all of this towards my partner, in terms of what I saw that night, the loss I am feeling but also the anger. I feel like I have buried someone I didn't know, but I am also grieving someone who I was with when I had no inclination whatsoever about the infidelity. Even today, I still can't think of any signs that he was cheating in hindsight.

It has also since come out on the post mortem report that his death was due to advanced heart disease, accelerated by daily cocaine use. I knew of instances where he did take the drug, however I was so strongly against him taking it (I felt I almost began living as a codependent) that he became so good at lying and hiding it. I have such anger about the fact that he has effectively killed himself despite me saying to him on many occasions that this drug is deadly and causes such an affect to your heart over prolonged use. It was beginning to affect our relationship in the last year, and it has now also taken away my partner. 

I now look back and think how could I have missed it all - the women, the drugs... I feel so silly and used. And then I feel so guilty for thinking these things, as I am still here. 

Does anyone have experience in dealing with infidelity after your loved ones death? I am finding the grief of losing my best friend hard enough to cope with on it's own, let alone having this news thrown at me too. I just don't know what I have done to deserve this all. It all feels too much. 

Xxx

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss, you've spent half your lives together, that has to be really hard.

You mention you're having a difficult time with what you saw that night, that's something that haunts most of us.  You might want to consider trying imagery as described here:
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/04/nightmares-and-bad-dreams-in-grief.html

You are dealing with a lot of complications, and that makes it really hard.  My husband confessed his use of Meth to me three weeks before he died, he was in rehab counseling when he died.  I appreciate that he did confess to me before he died and was making attempts to be clean, but with drug use comes secrets, many of which I learned in the coming year.  It's hard to deal with all of that when they're dead and you can't ask them anything.  I finally learned to accept the whole of the man, not perfect, but someone I knew to be a very loving husband and stepfather, and perfect for me.  You may not draw the same conclusion, your feelings may change as you go through this (mine vacillated as I grappled to deal with everything).  Just know that whatever you are feeling is normal and will not be judged here, we are here to support you and care about you as you make your way through this journey.  And one more thing, none of this is your doing, you deserve the best not the worst, and I'm so sorry you're left dealing with this.

You say you feel silly and used...please don't.  You are neither, it was him that was messed up, not you.  He's paid the ultimate price, but I hope you can spare yourself, try not to beat up on yourself.  Sometimes we think we should have seen something but it wasn't shown for us to see.

[KMB]

3 hours ago, natalierbone said:

I just don't know what I have done to deserve this all. It all feels too much. 

You didn't do anything except love someone! I am deeply sorry for your loss and the resulting things that have come to light. You are enduring things no one should have to, on top of your loss itself. My heart goes out to you! KayC expressed some good words of consolation and advice and I agree with her. Please, even though I know how hard it is, do NOT keep beating up on yourself. You had no way of knowing this information that came to light. We are here for you. There is no judging or criticizing done here. Just compassionate people who know the pain of grieving.  (HUGS)

[Ka9219]

Hi, sometimes we see ourselves in the middle of bad situation, sadly I cant tell your what to do or I don't know what to say, your situation is unique given the circumstances, you might look for professional help. You are living two grieves at once, when we go through a emotional break we face up a grieve, and when a person die we also grieve.

I cant imagine the struggle in your heart, good and bad feelings facing up each other.

As KMB and KayC said, none of this is your fault, bad things happen to good people. I think is normal feeling silly or used, but don't let those emotions take control of your head.