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bela

Vent

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I haven't really been here in the last few weeks.  It seemed to be helping in some warped way to read everyone's posts.  Maybe knowing that other's feel similar?  Then I got mad.  How can other's pain soothe mine?  Why should my pain be eased anyway?  I do hurt.  I should just accept it.  Augh!  I've always been a bit of an over analyzer.  I know that.  But, this is just too much.  I lost my husband and it hurts.  I want to grieve but, then I want to feel 'normal' but then when I have a glimpse of 'normal' - I feel bad...guilty almost...then sad.... Then I'm mad.  Why...Why now?  Why after we went through so much.  Why when we were so good...so happy.  Why before our kids weddings.  Before grandkids. 

Everywhere I go I see couples. It actually hurts.  I wanted to grow old with him.  I've been told I'm just lonely.  No.  I'm mad and sad...frustrated, anxious, hopeless and a million other things.  I have memories.  I have family.  I have friends.  It's not lonely.  It's a fog.  It's that I have no motivation.  Things I cared about now seem unimportant.  I have no focus.  I don't care.  But....I do.  But I'm numb.

I cannot function.  I hate this.  All day I fake it.  I smile.  I work.  I do the things I have to.  But I'm so tired of being tired.  Tired of just going through the motions.    I don't understand.  Is there a lesson...a point....something?  3 1/2 months and still...it feels like there is a hole inside of me that just consumes a little more everyday.

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Bella, 

I am sorry for your loss. Your feelings are the same as mine in so many ways. I lost my husband two months ago tho a sudden heart attack. It happened right in front of me, I tried CPR , I begged him not to leave me. He was only fifty years old. Just like you, we went thought so much, why when we were happy, why when he finally got that big raise. He won't be here to see our children get married, grandchildren! I have friends but i am so alone. I feel like everything has no purpose. I am pissed, hopeless, broken . I will never feel normal again. I am overwhelmed with trying to care for the house, bills, yard work. People ask and I just say hanging in there, they don't really want to know. The people here get it, I have been given great advice, support and they  are so kind. I don't have any answers I wish I did. Just know that the people here care and know our pain first hand. They don't judge our feelings. Hugs to you.

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Dian,

I tried to get my feeling out  in my post.  In re-reading it, I'm surprised anyone understood.  I was crying so hard while writing that.  What you said

8 hours ago, Dian said:

I have friends but i am so alone.

YES!  That is it.  I'm not lonely.  I feel alone.  Empty, too.

 

8 hours ago, Dian said:

People ask and I just say hanging in there, they don't really want to know.

YES. Yes.  I want to talk about it.  Sometimes it's all I want to talk about.  But as much as people say "how are you" "Can I do anything" or, a variation "I wish I could help" I know they mean well.  I even think that most people are saying these things from a genuinely good place.  However, even the people I'm closest to...   If I do start opening up, they don't want to know.  Or they start to politely steer the conversation somewhere else.  I think even though people care and may want to help, they just don't know.  They don't know the loss, the struggles after, the emptiness, the anger, the confusion.  I can't even blame them.  I wish I didn't know.  I wish we all didn't know.

My Dad passed away the morning of my Husband's service.  I have no idea how I made it through the day.  I lost my Husband and my Dad.  I feel like I never had a chance to breathe and then my Dad was gone.  Everyone tells me, as horrible as it is true..."Talk to your Mom.  Be there for each other."  Again, I believe this is coming from a genuinely good place but...it's not the same...and it is.  Losing your Husband & your Dad isn't the same as your Husband & Son-in-law.  Losing your Husband after your unique struggles and just entering in to the 'best' part of your lives isn't the same as losing your Husband after a 50 year marriage where you had kids, grandkids, travel and retirement.  I am in NO WAY slighting my Mom's pain.  It's just different. 

Maybe it doesn't matter.  Loss is loss right?  But it does matter to me.  I feel cheated.  After all he went through, all we both went through in the early years, we were finally in a place were everything was good.  Where we were comfortable.  Where we were looking forward to sometime together.  Looking forward to our kids upcoming weddings and hopefully grandkids.  Now we'll never have that.  People say....but you will.  NO.  I.  WON'T.  I won't have it with him!  That's the loss...THAT is what they don't understand.  THAT is the emptiness, the hopelessness.

Dian, I don't even know you but I wish I could hug you.  Thank you for your words.  My heart breaks for you.  I saw my husband's lung collapsed in front of me.  I saw them poke him with a needle to get him to be able to breathe.  It didn't work.  They took him away and put in a chest tube.  I was so scared.  I remember I couldn't move.  They tried to help me to a chair and if not for whoever caught me, I would have fell.  My whole body was shaking. He survived but this was the beginning of a very quick landslide.  When he died just a little over 3 months later, we were in the hospital.  I knew he had problems breathing but had no idea what was coming.  I was there.  I felt so helpless.  I felt like they should have told me this was a possibility.  I think about him going to the ER that morning and it's just a blur.  We went out to dinner the day before... He had appointments scheduled for that week.  I just thought it was another 'episode' and that they would fix him.  I never called anyone to come to the hospital...because he'd be out soon...  They made me leave his side.  There were alarms...people...and still I didn't see it coming.  Then he said those words.  "I'm sorry" - Why....

I don't know how I'm ever going to accept this.  It's now 3 months later and nothing is right.  Nothing even remotely resembles normal.  I go from hot to cold, happy to sad, busy busy to I don't give a ****.  I don't know why people call us the 'surviving' spouse.  It doesn't feel like it.

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Hi Bela, 

No one is asking you to fake it. I hope you have people in your life who can hold space for your raw, real emotions. 3 and 1/2 months is VERY recent. Of course you are feeling this way. No one is asking you to get back to normal. I would invite you to take even more space for yourself to feel and experience all that is going on inside of you. Grief takes time, as I am sure you know. You are not just grieving this person, you are dreaming all the lost dreams you wanted to create with this person as well. This can be overwhelming and excruciatingly painful. However, you will get through this. There is no such thing as normal but I promise you will find joy in life again when it is time. This loss will only make you a deeper person and that depth will guide you to beautiful experiences in life (if you choose to let it). Again, no words can take away the pain. Knowing other people are in pain doesn’t take away your pain. Your pain is your pain. However, I believe you can heal this hole that you feel. I believe you can open yourself to life again. You are doing great job, I hope you have someone reminding you of that :) 

XoXo, 

Julie

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I am truly sorry for what you are experiencing.  I am feeling the same.  My soulmate passed only a week and a half ago.  I am having a hard time getting through each minute of the day.  I'm also angry because of all of our future plans and like you, I don't want those things with anyone but him. I feel cheated and am still denying the fact that he is not coming back, that his side of the bed is now empty, that he will never hold me throughout the night anymore.  He was such an amazing man.  While reading your post, all I could think of is how did you even make it to this point?  I can't see past the minute.  I definitely can't see getting to 3 months.  I absolutely HATE this hell I seem to be stuck in.  You do not have to fake it for anybody.  I don't.  They have no idea the pain that we are all going through.  Like you, I hate it when people ask how am I feeling today or how I'm doing.  I just want to scream, "How the hell do you think I'm doing?  Why would you even ask me such a stupid question?"  I know they mean well but to me, it's still a dumb question.  I hate going out in public.  It seems like being out in the world and seeing everyone laughing, smiling, and carrying on with their lives is just pure torture to my soul.  For right now, I will be ordering groceries and other household items online.  Right now I don't feel that I can co-exist with the public.  I am also feeling so guilty because my two children are seeing me so sad and closed in and I am not functioning on a parental level.  My 15 year old son expressed to me that he hates seeing me this way and he doesn't want me to go through this for too long and miss out on his or his sister's life.  I know he is right but I cannot just "snap" out of this but I do need to be there for him as well.  I do not know how to do this on my own.  Are we really surviving?  Life sucks!!!

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1 hour ago, Sheree72 said:

I am truly sorry for what you are experiencing.  I am feeling the same.  My soulmate passed only a week and a half ago.  I am having a hard time getting through each minute of the day.  I'm also angry because of all of our future plans and like you, I don't want those things with anyone but him. I feel cheated and am still denying the fact that he is not coming back, that his side of the bed is now empty, that he will never hold me throughout the night anymore.  He was such an amazing man.  While reading your post, all I could think of is how did you even make it to this point?  I can't see past the minute.  I definitely can't see getting to 3 months.  I absolutely HATE this hell I seem to be stuck in.  You do not have to fake it for anybody.  I don't.  They have no idea the pain that we are all going through.  Like you, I hate it when people ask how am I feeling today or how I'm doing.  I just want to scream, "How the hell do you think I'm doing?  Why would you even ask me such a stupid question?"  I know they mean well but to me, it's still a dumb question.  I hate going out in public.  It seems like being out in the world and seeing everyone laughing, smiling, and carrying on with their lives is just pure torture to my soul.  For right now, I will be ordering groceries and other household items online.  Right now I don't feel that I can co-exist with the public.  I am also feeling so guilty because my two children are seeing me so sad and closed in and I am not functioning on a parental level.  My 15 year old son expressed to me that he hates seeing me this way and he doesn't want me to go through this for too long and miss out on his or his sister's life.  I know he is right but I cannot just "snap" out of this but I do need to be there for him as well.  I do not know how to do this on my own.  Are we really surviving?  Life sucks!!!

Surviving, existing, getting by, treading water. That's what we do now. I just try to make it through the day(and sometimes to the next minute if 24 hours seems too daunting). I lost Lori on 04/01/17 and when I was a week and a half in I couldn't see myself getting this far. You can do it. It's not easy. It's actually the hardest thing you will ever do. But you CAN do it. For me, getting this far was a combination of family and friends supporting me, my faith, and online grief support forums. I also want to be the best version of me that I can because Lori helped mold me into who I am. In fourteen years, she changed me for the better and that gives me a reason to go on. I pray for your peace and comfort as you navigate this road.

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Bela,

I am so terribly sorry for your loss and your pain.  I don't think the pain of others on this website is meant to soothe yours but to let you know we understand and we pain just like you, and for the same reason as you - the loss of someone that meant more to us than we meant to ourselves.  Your pain should not be eased away - pain demands to be felt and will be.  I think we are learning to work through our pain with the hope there is some kind of reward on the other side of the pain.  We try to use this pain to push forward - little by little - step by step.  We can and will get through this pain because deep down inside us we are bigger than our pain.  Because we don't give up or give in.

I think we will always have those *why* questions, it's only natural; we want to know.  Being a believer in God, I know there are somethings we are just not meant to know. As hard as we hurt and pain and as difficult as it is, we simply have to trust that God in all HIS infinite wisdom knows what is best for us - better than we know ourselves.  God has no phone, but we can still talk to HIM; HE has no facebook, but HE is our best friend; HE doesn't have twitter, but we still follow HIM.  Scripture is true, in John 10:27, it states, "My sheep listens to my voice; I know them and they follow me".  My faith tells me that death is not the end, it is simply walking out of the physical form and into the spirit realm which is our true home - its simply going back home. In spite of the natural order of the world, pain and suffering is random; bad things happen to good people just about as often as they happen to bad people.  God has given us a shield protecting us from tragedy, and within all of us waiting to be discovered, is a strength to deal with this tragedy, this pain and suffering, to overcome it, and learn from it so we can still find love, laughter and perhaps joy despite of it.

On 7/29/2017 at 5:37 PM, bela said:

Everywhere I go I see couples. It actually hurts.  I wanted to grow old with him.  I've been told I'm just lonely.  No.  I'm mad and sad...frustrated, anxious, hopeless and a million other things.  I have memories.  I have family.  I have friends.  It's not lonely.  It's a fog.  It's that I have no motivation.  Things I cared about now seem unimportant.  I have no focus.  I don't care.  But....I do.  But I'm numb.

 
I have been truly blessed to have had 45 years with the man of my heart and dreams - and for that I am so grateful; but no time is ever enough.  I personally have mixed feeling on seeing couples and especially older ones, perhaps holding hands, or just sitting together and talking.    It makes me realize that someone can love you forever, and that's what my Charles did - love me until he was taken from this earth.  But there are times I might look away; not that I hate to seeing happy couples, it reminds me of the question nobody can answer - *Wheres Mine?*  It's all good because I know the love we shared for one another never dies; our love was more than just date nights, holding hands and sneaking kisses; it was about accepting each other's weirdness and flaws; it was about finding ourselves in each other and finding our happiness together; it was about seeing an imperfect person perfectly.
 
I pray you find comfort in knowing you are not alone on this journey; we are all here with you going through our pain and sufferings; we will make it through this fog you mentioned; because beyond the fog lies clarity; and if we want to see the sunshine again, we must weather the storm.  Sending prayers your way.  Stay Strong!
 

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bela, I'm deeply sorry for your tragic losses of your husband and your dad. Suffering one loss is overwhelming agony, but two, so very close together, is just unfathomable. I remember when you first became a member of the grief family here. There is nothing anyone can do for your pain, but we can be there for you, listen, share. We can send you virtual hugs and prayers.

12 hours ago, bela said:

  I don't know why people call us the 'surviving' spouse.  It doesn't feel like it.

Oh, I know it doesn't feel like it. You HAVE been surviving, call it existing, if you will, but you are still breathing, still able to put another day behind you. Even if it is minute by minute, you will survive. I don't feel we need to "accept", that word to me means agree and we absolutely did not agree to our losses. We do slowly learn to adapt though.

It has been a few months, so maybe the shock has worn off some and denial, anger are coming in. It is common for those feelings as well. Try being your own best friend. Give yourself patience and time. The love and care you were giving your husband and your dad, direct it towards yourself. Grieving is said to be love with no where to go with it.  We have to give it to ourselves to help us through this so painful, different journey.   (HUGS)

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On 7/29/2017 at 5:37 PM, bela said:

I cannot function.  I hate this.  All day I fake it.  I smile.  I work.  I do the things I have to.  But I'm so tired of being tired.  Tired of just going through the motions.    I don't understand.  Is there a lesson...a point....something?  3 1/2 months and still...it feels like there is a hole inside of me that just consumes a little more everyday.

Bela, I am sorry for your loss and having to be here.  3 1/2 months is nothing.  6 months is nothing.  This is a life altering change and its best, for me anyway, to ignore peoples hopes and expectation of me going forward.  Life will never be the same but some days it does get easier to get through the day.  I felt consumed more and more all the way up until about seven months.  A few weeks ago I thought eventually I would  just die from this grief.  Sometimes the hole left in me feels to large to fill and that I will just eventually bleed out.  But today I feel slightly better and probably wont die this month.  But every day and every week is different.  I dont know what the future will bring and this is terrifying as well.  I just get up and do what has to be done and try to enjoy a coffee or bagel or a conversation to the best of my ability.  I know I sound positive but just give me a few days and I am sure the negative Brad will be back.  Its a rollercoaster.

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Bela,

I'm glad you've come back here.  No one should have to go it completely on their own and it DOES help to have others that get it.  It doesn't take away your pain, but it helps, and we all share together our thoughts, what's worked for us, what hasn't, it all helps us on our grief journey.  3 1/2 months is the beginning.

One day at a time, that's all I can handle still.

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I am so grateful for this place.  Just wanted to share that.

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1 hour ago, bela said:

I am so grateful for this place.  Just wanted to share that.

Hang in there the best you can, one day at a time----:wub:

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On 7/29/2017 at 5:37 PM, bela said:

I've always been a bit of an over analyzer.  I know that.

Bela, You want to see how "Type A introvert " over analyzes things, just read some of my thread "Autocharge my experience ". Your not the first to over analyze this process. just saying.

It's ok to ask questions.

Autocharge

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I went out last night with 2 friends.  It was going well I guess until it was again...me crying.  We were in a restaurant and I'm trying to hide and I'm in the line of sight of so many people. So I just left.  I couldn't grab my keys without making more of a scene so I left without my keys or purse.  I just want to hide in my car but I can't even unlock it.  I'm trying to do normal things and I can't.  And I don't want to hear it's normal.  No it's not.  I've never ever been in public in 47 years and seen someone just randomly lose it.  It is not normal.  It almost been 4 months and I can't say I don't have good days...but it's always there.  Always.  And when it overtakes me it feels just as intense as the beginning.  Today I'm trying to pack up my house...not the whole thing just 1 room. 1 room.  Since about 7 this morning I've gotten nothing done.  I keep going in there and I can't even tell you what I do?  I just sit there.  Or I cry....  I can' take this.

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bela, I know how hard this is. The first couple of times I had to be in a grocery store, I had meltdowns. Since then, I have been able to hold back until I at least get to my vehicle. I avoided restaurants, outings, for a long time. I knew what my triggers were going to be and I avoided some things if possible. When the grief attacks hit, there is no control. All you can do is go with it. Who cares who witnesses it? They can either go about their business or come up and give you a hug and a shoulder to lean on. There is not enough compassion in this world, for my taste.

I have been there many times, with thinking I can accomplish something, but unable to.:wub: Dealing with 1 room is such an overwhelming thing. We sit and stare at what we think we should be doing. We make a small attempt at picking up something, only to drop it and sit and cry. We wonder what the point of it is? I used to go for a week without a shower. It was too exhausting. Wear the same clothes because doing laundry was too much and also a trigger. Where are my husband's clothes that need to be washed? Even taking out the garbage was too much, even when it was to the point of smelling up the kitchen. It took months for me to reach a point where I got back into some sort of a basic routine for myself.

I'm just saying to you, it does get a little easier. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Take your time and have patience.:wub:

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Yes, Bela, seeing couples hurts so much, doesn't it? Older couples holding hands slaughters me. The sad thing though is that they'll all face what we have faced one day....

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Bela, this is normal so don't worry. Part of our recovery is trying to find out what our triggers are. You will learn a lot about yourself.  I have been back to work for the last 3 weeks. I have been sad so I've been avoiding groups of people at work. I',fine talk in to individuals or a group of 2 but in general I wanted to detach from groups.  Last week, I had to attend a meeting with a group of 10 people. Although I was just a listener, I had such a hard time being there. I just didn't want to be in a group of people. I ended up going to my office to let out some tears afterwards.  It's OK to feel how you feel.  Just pay attention to your triggers and you will do a much better job coping with it the second time around.

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Bela,

Unfortunately, this IS normal!  And yes, I've lost it, plenty of times.  We usually don't get enough warning to get gone beforehand so it's witnessed by plenty.  I remember getting my car worked on about a year after George died, and they had a little van they'd drive you back to work in, it's loaded with people and all of a sudden I realized that George had been on this very van when he'd had the car worked on, that was all it took, I started bawling out of the blue and everyone got quiet and looked at me like I was from Mars.  I didn't even bother trying to explain, don't think I could have anyway.  It happens.

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I stopped at a random place to eat the other day while I was at work. They brought me my food, I looked at it, realized how alone I was, started sobbing and walked out. I barely remembered to leave money at the table. It hits at the strangest times.

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It does hit at strange times.  Someone said or, maybe I read that you should look for your triggers.  Why this just popped into my head, I have no clue.  I will say though that I think everything's a trigger.  I had so many things I needed to do this weekend.  Most of it I just stayed in bed.  In the restaurant Friday, woke up Saturday crying, then in my basement, then today on and off all day.  I've even woke up in the middle of the night crying.  In all my life, maybe a dozen people have ever witnessed this.  Now?  It takes everything I have to try to hold off until I get to the bathroom or my car or just away.  Sometimes there's no stopping it. 

It's not just the crying.  It's not being able to get out of my head.  I question when I cry, when I don't, I question why, why now, why didn't I see it, why didn't the doc's tell me...I question my questions.  It so draining.  Then I have a day where I feel kinda okay and I'm glad...then I question that.  I know I've said this doesn't feel normal.  I've read a few posts where people say that nothing is normal about this but that, that is normal.  Nothing feels normal, things don't taste normal, people don't act normal...I don't feel normal.  You all as well as everyone I work with, family etc...all say that say but then if this is all normal...why don't people talk about it?  I mean here we do...but if all this is normal, why do I feel like I have no support.  Like I need to hide it.  Like I'm going crazy? 

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You are NOT going crazy! You are grieving. Grieving is complex and has its own way with us. It is a monster we have no control of. All we can do is face it, let it get its punches in, get up and face it again and again and again. We learn how to deal with it, coexist with it. It gets tiring, exhausting, but we can't give up. Life won't let us give up.

You don't need to hide your grieving. Other people need to accept that at some point, every single person in this world is going to suffer a loss. You're right. Grieving should be brought out into the open more. Not hidden away. Grieving is another very real aspect of life. If it was allowed out of hiding, the world would be a much more tolerable, compassionate place. But, people are afraid of grievers. I think they feel if they are exposed to someone's loss, that it becomes like the plague and they might catch it. They might lose the person they are closest to. No one wants to think about that, so they avoid people who are grieving. :wub:

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People that haven't been through this don't talk about it because they haven't a clue what they will go through or how it will be.  Those of us who have experienced loss do know what it's like, so we talk about it with each other.  Your old life and your new existence are very different so it's no wonder nothing seems normal anymore, there's been tremendous changes.  They were so entwined with us that nearly anything can potentially be a trigger, so it's pretty hard to avoid them.  Still, if we know music sets us in a tailspin, we can try to avoid it, maybe that's what people mean by knowing your triggers, I don't know.  You don't need to hide it here, this is a safe place you can come to and air your true feelings.  Like KMB said, we remind people of their mortality and that they can be us at any time, so they avoid us to keep from thinking about it.

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12 hours ago, bela said:

It does hit at strange times.  Someone said or, maybe I read that you should look for your triggers.  Why this just popped into my head, I have no clue.  I will say though that I think everything's a trigger.  I had so many things I needed to do this weekend.  Most of it I just stayed in bed.  In the restaurant Friday, woke up Saturday crying, then in my basement, then today on and off all day.  I've even woke up in the middle of the night crying.  In all my life, maybe a dozen people have ever witnessed this.  Now?  It takes everything I have to try to hold off until I get to the bathroom or my car or just away.  Sometimes there's no stopping it. 

It's not just the crying.  It's not being able to get out of my head.  I question when I cry, when I don't, I question why, why now, why didn't I see it, why didn't the doc's tell me...I question my questions.  It so draining.  Then I have a day where I feel kinda okay and I'm glad...then I question that.  I know I've said this doesn't feel normal.  I've read a few posts where people say that nothing is normal about this but that, that is normal.  Nothing feels normal, things don't taste normal, people don't act normal...I don't feel normal.  You all as well as everyone I work with, family etc...all say that say but then if this is all normal...why don't people talk about it?  I mean here we do...but if all this is normal, why do I feel like I have no support.  Like I need to hide it.  Like I'm going crazy? 

I am so sorry Bela.  I completely understand - I feel the same way.  A lot of the time I feel as though can't function and when I think I can I am not doing it very well.  I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel, a time when this new "normal" will be less heart-wrenchingly painful, lonely, and hopeless.   I feel like if I laugh or joke with people they think I am "better", or "over it."  I know that isn't true.  There are days when I have to take yet another day off of work because I can't function, didn't sleep, and can't stop crying.  I don't think people understand that when I said "I had a bad night" it means that I feel as though my soul is being torn in two, that I spent the night crying uncontrollably, telling him I can't do this alone, begging that this is all a horrible nightmare, pleading to go back in time, and trying to convince myself that need to stay alive another day for the sake of my grandson and dad,  I want to have hope that that things get "better" but even that makes me feel guilty and more devastated because I feel like if that happens it will mean I'm throwing away all of the love, memories, and happiness that he brought to my life - that I'm giving up on him, on us.  

This past Saturday was 5 weeks since Russell died.  Some days it seems like just yesterday and some days it seems like I have been missing him for eternity. Every Saturday I relive the events of that day.  Each time I look at the clock I remember what was happening at that time on the day he died.  I play that day over and over in my head thinking what if I didn't leave in the morning?  What if I had gone back when he didn't text/call me back?  Was there something I could have said/done that would have changed the events of that day?  It is torture.  I think about how every decision you make during the normal routine of your day can be a decision that can change the fate of your world, s decision you can regret every moment of the rest of your life.  There is no longer a "normal".

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40 minutes ago, RWT143 said:

I don't think people understand that when I said "I had a bad night" it means that I feel as though my soul is being torn in two, that I spent the night crying uncontrollably, telling him I can't do this alone, begging that this is all a horrible nightmare, pleading to go back in time, and trying to convince myself that need to stay alive another day for the sake of my grandson and dad,  I want to have hope that that things get "better" but even that makes me feel guilty and more devastated because I feel like if that happens it will mean I'm throwing away all of the love, memories, and happiness that he brought to my life - that I'm giving up on him, on us.

Our baseline for good, bad, great, terrible, etc... has been turned upside down. All of the old adjectives are meaningless and have been drastically re-defined. Our good days are a far cry from even the average days we used to experience. Our bad days are worse than any nightmare we could have imagined in our previous existence. Yet ANOTHER thing people don't understand about grief.

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8 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

Our baseline for good, bad, great, terrible, etc... has been turned upside down. All of the old adjectives are meaningless and have been drastically re-defined. Our good days are a far cry from even the average days we used to experience. Our bad days are worse than any nightmare we could have imagined in our previous existence. Yet ANOTHER thing people don't understand about grief.

This is so true.  I had no clue what a bad day actually was.  Although I am completely dumbfounded that no one shares this.  I understand that you can't understand unless you experience a loss but I remember losing my Grandparents, my Uncle, friends...  I really don't recall ever seeing or hearing anything remotely close to what I am...what we all here are experiencing. 

The other day in the restaurant, I could not get out fast enough.  Crying in the line of sight of all those people...it was horrible.  But why?  It's how I feel.  Why do we hide it?  Why is it...this taboo subject?  People don't understand.  They couldn't possibly.  I know I didn't.  But...if it wasn't so taboo, if it was talked about, if we saw it...maybe I'd at least feel less isolated?  I don't know.  I'm so tired.  I wish I could just turn off my brain.

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