Am I stealing another's grief?

[Azipod]

I lost my wife.  She was only 39.  For The past month, I've been believing that my wife's sudden passing has affected me the most. Besides, she's MY wife and half of MY life.  In short, I'm the primary griever.... or am I?

Now, I'm wondering if this is in fact true.  On my wife's side of the family, she is survived by both parents and a younger sister.  She has a fantastic relationship with her mom and younger sister.

Everyone is here for me.  The in-laws do everything they need for me to make it through each day.  It doesn't matter that my wife is no longer here, they still and have told me that I'm always going to be family.  I've actually spent more time with my inlaws than my own family.

So now I'm wondering.  While I know everyone is grieving, im beginning to wonder if I'm grieving harder or my wife's mother?  Who suffered the greater loss?   I know you can't really set a hierarchy on this, as it's all different and it all depends on the relationship, but I'm just wondering if we are to talk on general terms, assuming all things being equal.

Who typically takes this harder?  The spouse or the parents?

[Djh0901kc]

I don't think it really matters. You aren't stealing grief from anyone. There's plenty to go around. I know in my case, everyone else has something in their life. Children, spouse, bf or gf. Point being, everyone has a reason to keep on living. I do not. My reason for getting up every morning is gone. I can't think about anything but how miserable I am so the idea of worrying who is the most sad never even crosses my mind. I think you need to worry about you right now. And in general I'm sure spouses take it harder. You lose a part of yourself and your life. Parents love their children but they aren't together every day sharing a life together. I believe I read a study that the death of the spouse is the most traumatic event one can experience. Second and third were divorce and death of a child but they were both distant runners up.

[KMB]

I don't feel anyone's loss is greater or lesser. Your in- law's lost a child, you lost your wife. Every loss has its uniqueness and circumstances. I feel I am the only one grieving for my husband. His parents are both gone and he had no siblings. He has a cousin he was close to while growing up, but he hasn't made contact since just after my husband passed. My husband has 2 grown children from a first early marriage, but they have already moved on with their lives. My own side of the family are difficult to get along with. I have talked to my mother once since my husband passed. She showed no empathy for me. She is very much self-centered. I have 3 grown children who have shown support, but basically, I am alone in this. Only 2 of my husband's friends stay in touch, but it is hard when no one talks about him.

[Azipod]

KMB,

Thank you for your ongoing support to all members on this forum. It's is fascinating to see your strength given the challenges you are facing from your family.

[KMB]

Azipod, Thank you for giving me another perspective. I've actually never thought of family as a challenge. I just always accepted things as they are. You know that cliche, you can't help the family you were born into.  I met my husband in 1991. After the first couple of meetings, we knew we belonged together. We both needed someone to love and care for us. Due to our family backgrounds, we felt it was the 2 of us against the world. We had a beautiful, loving relationship of togetherness and now I'm existing with the constant sadness that loss brings.

[Eagle-96]

23 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I know in my case, everyone else has something in their life. Children, spouse, bf or gf. Point being, everyone has a reason to keep on living. I do not. My reason for getting up every morning is gone. I can't think about anything but how miserable I am so the idea of worrying who is the most sad never even crosses my mind.

This says it all right here and I'm not sure I can add anything to it. But seeing as brevity is not my strong suit, I will. Everyone else in my life has their rock to lean on as they navigate their own grief journey. They have their spouse or children to go to. Not so for me. The one person on Earth who could help me through this kind of sorrow is not here. Lori's gone and she can't comfort me no matter how much I wish she could. If I died tomorrow, there is nobody that relies on me. Nobody that counts on me like Lori did. Sure there would be people that would be sad and a few tears shed. But there would not be anybody that grieves for me as strongly as I grieve for Lori. It is a stark reminder of my new reality and one that hits pretty hard. 

As we grieve for our soulmates, human nature sends us to a place where we view grief as a contest. We question who hurts the most. We want the acknowledgement that our pain is the worst. Ours is the toughest journey. To think this way is completely natural. It's the way we are built. But the thing that really matters is that our grief is real and it is intense and it is likely the most difficult thing we will ever experience. 

[Djh0901kc]

^this

[Francine]

On 7/29/2017 at 3:32 PM, Azipod said:

So now I'm wondering.  While I know everyone is grieving, im beginning to wonder if I'm grieving harder or my wife's mother?  Who suffered the greater loss?   I know you can't really set a hierarchy on this, as it's all different and it all depends on the relationship, but I'm just wondering if we are to talk on general terms, assuming all things being equal.

Who typically takes this harder?  The spouse or the parents?

I think we all grieve differently for different individuals.  You both loved her in your own special way -

They loved the child they raised into the young strong women she became and there is no greater loss than that of your child, no matter the age.  After all, we are not suppose to out live our children, right?  When you lose a child, everything hurts - every part of your mind, your body, your heart, and your soul.  Every cell in your body aches from the tips of your hair to the tips of your toes.  The pain is unbearable.  

You fell in love with that young woman they raised and when you married, the two of you became one.   Scripture states, Genesis 2:24 "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife and they shall become one flesh" and you shared things only a man and women could share.  When you lose a spouse, everything hurts - every part of your mind, your body, your heart, and your soul.  Every cell in your body aches from the tips of your hair to the tips of your toes.  The pain is unbearable.  

It hurts the same only differently, don't you think?

[KayC]

We grieve differently, each person feeling their own grief the greatest and correct in their own right.  Comparisons are detrimental.

There are so many things affecting our grief...our relationship, our interactions, etc.  This is like asking me who would grieve the hardest, my son's wife or myself if he died.  I gave birth to him, I've known him all his life, I know him through and through, we always had an ability to communicate, to understand each other.  But his wife is his other half, they share an intimate relationship that excludes all others.  How can we compare the two?  We can't.  There is something unnatural about losing your child.  We always think we'll go first.  There is no appeasement for that loss.  Yet having lost my husband, I can't imagine anything more difficult.  We were so close, we were everything to each other.  Just suffice to say, these losses are very different, each one very very hard, each one carrying significant secondary losses.