Oread

Lost boyfriend, hurt by family's comments

6 posts in this topic

Hello..

My boyfriend of five years passed away on New Year's. He overdosed that night. He was an alcoholic and binge drank until he lost his senses, and he took fentanyl that night. I'm dealing with a mixture of anger,  grief, and love for him. I loved him so much but his drinking brought me down so much over the years and now he's gone because of it. Not only was he my boyfriend,  he was my best and only friend.  I have no one to talk to.

I haven't spoken to my grandma since he died, and I haven't spoken to my dad since February.  My grandma and I don't have the same political views, which has always annoyed her. The day after he died,  she commented on my FB 

"This is why there shouldn't be immigration..they are bringing drugs into the country.He will be missed."

We had not long ago argued about immigration, so I felt like she was saying in a way that he died because of my incorrect views, or like "I told you so." I deleted her comment and sent her a message asking how she could have thought that was appropriate and not to use my dead boyfriend to prove her political agenda.  She didnt respond and she didn't"apologize" for three months. Her apology was a letter saying she's sorry IF  what she she offended me and she loved me. My mom asked her to apologize.  I didn't think this was enough and didn't respond. I haven't heard anything else from her.

My dad is another pain that I have in addition to my grief. I've always felt he's belittled my feelings and patronizes me. Last year I was having nervous breakdowns because of my boyfriends drinking. He always acted annoyed about it and once I just said "I just need a little pity" and he said "You dont need any pity. We all go through things like this."a month after my boyfriend died, he visited me and asked how I was doing. I said bad, and he made an impatient smirk-grimace and said "Sharon. .." as though I was being ridiculous or exaggerating for not being over it.  My boyfriend was cremated and his mom decided to put him in a mausoleum. On the day of the funeral we were driving up and my dad exclaimed "Ugh! I wouldnt want to be in one of those things!" This hurt me so much because I knew my boyfriend wouldnt of liked it either but there was nothing I could do about it. My dad's words just emphasized my hurt and I felt it was insensitive. 

I told him what he said on the day of my boyfriend's funeral hurt me and he said "Why should that have hurt you?!!!!!" I was just telling you my preference! !!!"

I told him it hurt me because it was Scott, and asked why he couldn't just acknowledge my feelings and apologize.  He couldn't do that and continued to express aggravation.

Later I sent him a text saying saying that if he can't acknowlege my feelings it's best that we didn't talk. He hasnt made ant attempt to fix things beyond an occasional text saying "how ya doin?" Which I've been ignoring.

I can' talk to my mom either. She doesn't believe alcoholism exists and she also sides with my grandmas political views and I can just sense a vibe of "I told you so" from her as well. Plus, I've never been able to talk to her.

I haven't dreamt of my boyfriend since he died...I feel like the anger is blocking him.

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Hi Oread, I am so sorry you lost your boyfriend, I loss my boyfriend 2 months ago =(

Let's be clear, when we talk about alcoholism, we are talking of an addiction, and addiction is a mental condition, so we can not point fingers and blame here and there, your boyfriend needed help and I know you were a big supporter helping him go through his addiction, so please even if we want to blame someone, the only one who is responsible was his condition. People tend to underrate this kind of mental conditions and it is not right, I am terrible sorry this condition take your love one apart from you.

In the other hand, every person is unique, as they are unique they have their own thoughts, maybe your grandma is trying to focus the pain in the wrong way, because en every continent there's people dying for alcoholism, and not because they have -or have not- immigrates, but because as I told you people underrate the mental condition in an addiction. About your dad, we all face up the death in different ways and not all people know about empathy. When Mario -my bf- died, I told my parents in law that he wanted to be cremated and put his ashes on sea, luckily for me, they respected Mario's last wish. But in your situation try to think this: what is "left" is just ashes, is not him, he is in a beautiful place surrounded by light and happiness, joy and love. People don't understand the pain and the struggle of losing someone until they go through that situation.

If you have the support of Scott's family, attach to it, grieving is a tough process, we need to be supporter by someone.

I haven't dreamed with Mario neither. Maybe we are so much in pain that as you said, we are blocking them. The pain and the anger is part of this.

We are here for you this group is plenty of nice and beautiful people willing to help and support each other

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I'm sorry to hear about your boyfriend. Thank you for your kind words. I'm sorry if my post came off as whiny; I was having a bad moment. 

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I am truly sorry for your loss and for the lack of support from your family.   It's tough enough to lose someone you truly love but to have to listen to inappropriate words or comments from your family must be devastating.  Words are so powerful; they can either inspire or destroy - it's unfortunate your family doesn't know the difference.  Sometimes, all we need is for someone to simply be there - not fix anything or do anything in particular, but just to let us feel we are supported and cared about.  Life has taught me that you can't control someone's commitment to you; sometime the people you think you love the most are the ones you like the least.  I like to think of this forum as family; sometimes the family we make for ourselves is more important than the family we are given through blood.

One would think family is supposed to be there for us no matter what comes our way.  Shame on the ones who are not - that is Not what family is all about.  They are not all perfect, they may argue, fight, make inappropriate comments.  They may even stop talking to each other at times, but they are our family.  I hope in time you might be able to forgive them for not being there for you.  Forgiveness is not always easy.  At times, it feels more painful than some of the words and comments inflicted on you; and yet, there is not peace without forgiveness.   Think about it, you certainly deserve that peace; we all do.

Continue to post and know you certainly have *family* here. God bless and keep you safe, my prayers are with you.

 

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Oread, 

I am sorry you are dealing with these energies from your family. Your anger is understandable. I am sure you did all you could to help your partner live a clean and healthy life. I relate to the feelings of anger, it almost blocks the raw sadness of grief that lies behind it. My brother overdosed on heroine and died. I felt very angry and betrayed by him and it took awhile to let it all go. I think it may be best if you set some serious boundaries with your family why you are healing from this traumatic event. Maybe ask everyone (who you feel is not helping you heal at this time) to please not contact you for a month while you deal with your heart and emotions. If you can seek out a spiritual support group or attend an Alanon meeting, that may be helpful too. In my experience, it felt good to be surrounded by people who were dealing with similar traumas and I found that in Alanon and other spiritual circles. As much as we want to be comforted by our family when traumatic events occur, they sometimes are they ones who make it worse. Please know that everything you are feeling is normal. It will take time to move through all the stages of grief and making peace with this being who has passed on. Please know that they did their best and for whatever reason, it was time for him to leave Earth. Now is the time for you to make amends with the past and heal your own heart and soul. 

XoXo, 

Julie

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Sharon,

I'm so sorry for your loss and that you seem to be going through it alone.  No more, you have found a family of grievers that gets it and we'll be here for you if you want us to.  Most of us check in every day and read/post.

It seems in your family it's considered higher priority to be "right" than to show "caring".  The only one that can break that is you because we don't have control over other people's responses, but you're not in a time/place to have anything to give right now.  That said, it'll be important to realize that these people don't have much support to offer you.  And they don't even realize it.  Their seemingly void overtures show that.

Alanon is is a good idea.  So would be a grief support group.  It might take a couple of tries to find the right one for you.

While your BF seemed trapped in his addiction, he was likely so wrapped up in his own inner pain he wasn't thinking of what this would do to you.  Right now it's understandable you should feel all kinds of feelings, love, anger, etc. at the same time, all of them are normal with grief.  In time it would be good to forgive him but understand that forgiveness is a process, not an instant moment and it doesn't mean you agree with what happened or like it.  You didn't deserve this.  Loss is an unfair part of life, it's hard to swallow.  Sending you hugs...

https://themighty.com/2016/12/what-to-say-to-someone-whos-grieving/

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