Anyone Experience This?

[Sheree72]

This day last week was when I lost my Jeff.  Two days ago, while lying in bed in my "I can't believe he's gone stupor," in the blink of an eye, I felt a sense of peace and joy come over me.  You see, my Jeff would always get upset at seeing me cry or upset and I had heard his famous line throughout our relationship, "It hurts me when you're hurting.  My job is to make you happy and make sure you always have a smile on your face."  Can't tell you how many times he said this to me.  Anyway, when it happened, I had two thoughts.  Either I am actually going crazy or he somehow found a way to comfort me.  I immediately got out of the bed, feeling so relieved of the pain, and called my neighbor.  He had lost his soulmate of 30 years 1.5 years ago and so he could definitely relate to my loss.  I asked him if I was going crazy and he assured me I wasn't.  He did say that more than likely it's only temporary.  So, I took advantage of this "new" relief and actually had a normal few hours.  Sure enough, by the next morning, my peace was gone and I was back to my dreadful lying in bed dazed stupor.  Last night, I took a sleep aid prescribed by my doctor, had a few good dreams, only to wake up to my new reality, and there comes the tears again.  The pain is once again unbearable.  Has anyone else experienced this or am I really losing it?

[KMB]

30 minutes ago, Sheree72 said:

 Has anyone else experienced this or am I really losing it?

NO, you are NOT losing it! This is the roller coaster of grieving, unfortunately. One moment, or for a few hours, you think you are ok and the next, you are crying and feeling like you are crawling out of your skin with despair, denial, gut wrenching pain that has no where to go.

It has only been a week for you. It is going to get worse, before it gets a little easier, to cope with. It is going to take a LOT of time and patience. We are here for you. Prayers for comfort going your way.  (HUGS)

[Eagle-96]

Sheree,

You are not crazy at all. There are times when I am at my lowest when I get that "sense of peace" you speak of. When I see or hear things that are not easily explained away. I don't really know if it is Lori comforting me but that is not the important part. The important part is that we have the peace or comfort no matter how fleeting. You will see that ANY amount of joy is something to be held on to as tightly as you can. I used to feel guilty for having any good feelings but quickly learned from others that a good grief wave and a bad grief wave are alike in that we have to ride them both out. I pray that you will find more of these comforting moments.

[Sheree72]

Wow.  Wishful thinking had me believing that he wanted to relieve me of this pain.  I still want to think so and even though I realize this is part of grieving, it gives me some comfort "thinking" he had something to do with this.  It's still so hard to believe that we have to really go through this.  This is so cruel and awful.  I know I don't have a choice and if it weren't for my two children, I don't think I would want anything to do with this "new reality."  How did I get here?  What happened to us growing old together?  I hate this.  Others have no idea how truly life can change in an instant.  I just desperately want "our" life back.  I know everyone here feels the exact same way.  I'm just venting, trying to figure out how am I really going to get through this.  I am taking it minute by minute, and at times, that seems to be more than I can give.

[Azipod]

You are not crazy.  The feelings you have are normal and expected. I'm in my 4th week and this has been the most difficult for me thus far. Of course, I am expecting more to come.  Reality is just starting to sink in for me.  Keep an open mind and try to recognize your triggers. I'm still learning about myself.  Sometimes I can go for a few hours just being sad before I tear up for a few minutes.  Sometimes I'll cry often.  Every day is different. There's no way out of this. To put it bluntly, it just sucks.

[M88]

Hi Sheree, in my experiences, signs from our newly departed loved ones are at their most powerful during the week after death and although they can be a bit scary the first time you experience them,  embrace them - they will bring comfort to you in the future.  Our departed loved ones do know our pain. 

Grief is so unbelievably cruel (what could our creator have been thinking!) and if we want to eventually find some sort of contentment in life again, there is no going round it - we must go through it.  And it's a slippery old slope - often three steps forward, two backwards.  

You have learned early to take life a minute at a time and later on you'll be able to cope an hour at a time and eventually a day at a time.  This skill will by far be your biggest asset to help endure the tough times.  I was slow to learn of this method of survival and it initially took a lot of self-discipline to actually be able to carry it out, but now I have mastered it, this is how I will live the rest of my days.   

Sometimes when I'm sitting on my deck or in hubby's workshop, I often feel a gentle, current of warm air on my face, accompanied by a feeling of peace.  This is one of the things that started occurring within a day or two of my dear mans death - during a week of cold rain. 18 months on, I still welcome these special drifts of warmth and peace when they come - they make me smile.  I feel very lucky in that he sends me a lot of signs. He's still guiding and looking out for me  

I like the phrase 'new reality' as I know I'll never have a 'new normal'.  

Sending strength and hugs. 

[KayC]

10 hours ago, Sheree72 said:

Wishful thinking had me believing that he wanted to relieve me of this pain.

I'm sure he would love to relieve you of this pain if it were within his power to do so.  

Pretty much any an all feelings in grief are "normal", you're not going crazy.  I've been the whole gamut!