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Nervous to visit my mother's grave?


Sweetheart346

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Sweetheart346

Every day when driving to work, I have to pass the city of where my mother was buried two months ago. I'm starting to feel deep inside like I should go and pay my respect before I leave for college, but I'm scared of how my mind will actually react once I get there. I'm scared I won't be able to drive from the crying or that my mind will not be able to focus on the road clearly. Also do not want to ask my sister to come because she starts work on Monday and that will just depress her again. Plus, I feel weird when I have someone there with me seeing me cry or being sad. What I'm asking is, if I go alone, how can I handle it in a proper way without losing my mind? How long does it take to get it together again after the first visit to a parent's grave? What do you bring? Do the things you bring stay on the grave or do they eventually disappear by the wind or get taken away by the maintenance crew? The tombstone is not yet set so how do I recognize where my mother is if someone was buried around the same area? Sorry for the random questions... 

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Dear Sweetheart346,

If you can maybe go with a trusted friend or another family member. Please don't worry about crying that is completely normal. After my dad passed away, I would visit him 2 or three times a week. And even now I sometimes like to go once a week or twice a month sometimes more. The first few months, I cried every time I got back to the car. I would sit there and just cry for a bit. And then once I composed myself a little, I would start the car and go home. I like to bring my dad flowers every time I go or a cup of his favorite coffee.

Before my dad's memorial was put up, the funeral home I had put a small marker into the ground.

We all grieve differently, so don't feel or think there is only one right way to visit someone's grave.

Thinking of you.

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Phillip1985

Dear Sweetheart246,

Reader is right, there is no wrong or right way to visit your mom's grave site.

I visit my mom's grave site at least twice a week. Just like your mom's site, my mom's marker hasn't arrived yet. So we planted some flowers in her grave site. I water those flowers every time I visit. We also installed a couple of those solar powered crosses. I actually visited her site after dark once, just to see those crosses lit up. They look absolutely wonderful after dark. Also bought a Jacob's hook, planted it into the ground and hung a flower pot on the hook. We also put in one of those plastic bird whose wings rotate as a gust of wind hits them.

I talk to my mom every time I visit. I use the same tone of voice I used when she was still alive. I tell her about my day. Occasionally mid-sentence the wind will hit the bird wings and they'll rotate fast and make a humming sound. I take that as a sign that my mom is agreeing with what I'm telling her. So I'll say, "you think so too huh mom". Sometimes I'll say something and those wings won't move a millimeter. So I'll say, "why not mom?"

And always before I leave, I say, "see you later mom, enjoy the rest of your day." And I won't leave until I see those wings move. One time I had to wait more than 10 minutes before the wings moved. Prior to that, I said, "C'mon mom I gotta go, please say goodnight. I promise I'll be back Sunday". That happened on a Thursday.

I haven't done it yet, but I promised my mom to bring her, her favorite soup. Grounds keeper told me that they mow the grass every week. I told them that if they see a tiny bowl of soup on my mom's site, just toss it away. I told them I'll remember their kind gesture by sending them occasional gifts. I plan to send the ground keepers a gift card every three months or so.

Some people may think that I've gone nuts, but I know I'm perfectly sane. Just my way of creating more memories with my mom. 

Thank you for reading.

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Dear Philip1985,

I talk to my mom every day.  I too tell her things about my day.  If you've gone mad, then we all have!  I think we all go insane with grief.  Its beyond anything accepting that your mother is gone.  My mind fluctuates between so many emotions, sadness, guilt, loneliness, anger, feeling stuck and unable to enjoy anything.  I ask my mom to help me all the time and then I feel awful that I am pulling on her when now she is finally free and having a different existence.  

To sweetheart246, there is no right or wrong thing to do.  Some feel better visiting the grave, others don't.  Don't put pressure on yourself.  Go when you are ready.  Don't if you're not.  I light a candle for my mom every day since she died.  Its next to a picture of her and I talk to her then.  Its my way of honouring her.

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