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Second birthday


M88

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Yesterday was my beloved late hubby's Birthday - he would have been 69.  If he was still living, we'd have had fun the last couple of weeks researching where we'd go for a few days away, where we'd stay, what we wanted to see and do etc.  In our later years together, instead of buying each other birthday and Christmas gifts, we much preferred to spend money on renting a holiday cottage or a cabin at a camp ground, and have wee adventures.  Instead yesterday I spent time at his grave and on our beach, without him. 

Yesterday was tough, but it 'was easier' than last year.  As I sat at his grave I recalled some of the lovely comments his oldest friends spoke of  in their eulogy at his funeral service and messages in sympathy cards.  I hadn't known that he'd talked about his feelings and our relationship with them whilst on car or work related trips. This is not the usual psyche of a Kiwi man - let alone an Englishman!  (He came to NZ with his folks as a 17 year old).  It was very touching to hear from his oldest friends ( all 3 Englishmen! ) how contented he felt, how much he loved me,  our way of life, valued the stability of our relationship, and admired my determination to lead as productive a life as possible, despite physical limitations.  Each night, or if he was going some distance without me during the day, he'd tell me he loved me and each birthday and Valentines, he'd write the same message in the cards he gave me - I treasure each of them :)  As was usual, his last words to me before he drove off that fateful day, were, I love you.  

I so miss the kind, lovely man who loved me to bits for 22 years - his sense of humour and easy company - our fun times - we were good together - made a great team. I miss loving him - miss everything about him.  We were so trusting of each other that we grew to know each other as well as we knew ourselves.  His love gave me the courage to stop carrying other peoples shame - hand it back to whom it belonged, and become the person I am today.  I will love, honour and miss him dearly forever and I'm so thankful that he chose to spend the rest of his life with me.  Naturally, with a blended family situation we encountered problems, but together we worked through them and went on to experience the true happiness that had eluded us in our earlier marriages.   I know he is with me in spirit for as long as I need him to be.  And I know whatever my future holds, I will be OK.  

I found this poem (author unknown) on-line which touched my heart.  

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Sending strength and hugs to you all.  

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Your post literally brought me to tears.  I know only too well the love you shared with your man, for I shared a similar love with my Charles.  Blessed with 45 year with the man of my dreams - I am so grateful.  Yes, I love my husband and still do and I depended on him; and him, me.  We supported one another and that's how it was supposed to work, and it did. It wasn't always perfect, no fairytale or storybook and wasn't always easy; it was work but most of all, it was realizing that every hour, every minute and every second was worth it, because we did it together.

This generation is becoming too busy trying to prove that a woman can do it all by herself and doesn't need a man to complete her and that women are losing their uniqueness.  Guess I'm from a different age, where both women and men needed one another.  Women were not created to do everything a man can do or should we want to.  We were created to do everything he can't do like being the soulmate God had intended us to be.  

One of my biggest accomplishments and greatest joys on this earth was being my Charles' wife and mother of our children.  In our wedding vows, we promise to love one another and on our wedding night, I envisioned spending the rest of my life with the man I truly loved; now I realized, he spent the rest of his life with me.  I smile because I know he loved me till the day he went away and will keep loving me until the day we are together again.  We often talked about the love we had for one another and he would jokingly say I was the luckiest women in the world to land him - and of course I'd say just the opposite. That man was my heart - and now it feels like its gone; and in a way, it is.  Like you, I don't know what my future holds, but I know who holds my future - God - the same person who gave me my Charles; and as hard as it is go one alone, I know my Charles would want me to continue - and continue, I will.  Just not the same - differently.

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M88,

Five years or fifty, this IS how we feel!  Whatever time we got, it was not enough, it never could be.  Thank you for sharing that, I saved the picture of the card, I've seen that before, it's so perfect, it was penned just for us left feeling this way on their birthdays.

Francine,

I've thought about that too...how I didn't get to spend the rest of my life with him, but he did get to spend the rest of his life with me.  I feel honored, I treasure that, I just wish it could have been way longer and we could have gone together.

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M88, Francine, I have no words that can express my feelings at this moment from reading your posts here. All of us on this forum, women and men, have undoubtedly been so very fortunate, blessed, to have found our soulmates in this life. Our love is great and it will always be great. That bond of great love will sustain us until we are reunited in eternity.:wub:

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I cried while reading your post as well, my husbands birthday is only a few weeks away and it will be the first one without him. I am dreading that day, actually I dread everyday without him. I long for the day when memories will bring a smile rather than tears. I love the poem, thank you for sharing:wub:

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When Mario died -few days later- and I was still in shock I was thinking that my main goal is to love him every day more and more, so one day, my love will be bigger than the pain, and even if it still hurts, I could remember all the good things and feel blessed. Somehow you have reach that point, even if you are telling us about the struggle of going through his birthday, and all the feelings of sadness are still there, your post is filled with love and good memories. Even if he wasn't there physically you could do things to honor him, and remember the good things. I was and he still is with you, watching over and he is in joy because he feels your love.

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I feel so, so fortunate for having found this wonderful forum, a family of hurting people bound by mutual understanding, compassion and love. 

I do still get the odd intense bout of aloneness that is so familiar to us all, but they don't last as long now - whether due to living one day at a time, acceptance of my darlings death - can it be called acceptance even though I still ask myself daily could he really have got killed in such a terrible manner?   Maybe, it's still having so many supportive people around me - I don't know the answer but I'm glad I don't experience them too often now.  On Gerry's birthday I left the beach deep in one of these bouts, but by the time I reached home I'd chit chatted with people at the local shop, had an aquaintance who was out walking wave out to me, another in her garden wave, so when I pulled up I was already feeling better.  As I got out of my car my friend next door came to the fence with a bag of veg from her garden.  I hadn't told or reminded anyone local that it was Gerry's birthday as I didn't want a fuss, but I told this friend then, and then had to dash inside quickly before going to bits again. These people brought home that I still have many loving supportive people around me, and I thank my lucky stars to have them in my life. 

Very tough, testing times loom ahead, as in October, the man who killed my darling stands trial for doing so.  This is not the outcome I envisaged the day I paid him an unannounced visit at his home, to hand him back his shame.  But, hopefully we'll get to the truth and get justice for Gerry.  I'll be back on that rollercoaster, which will no doubt be moving at top speed, and I'll be back living one minute at a time.  All without the person I need the most, sitting by my side, holding my hand.  In a city 2 hours away.  Thankfully, I'll have family and friends by my side.  As I've learned how to live one day at a time, I'm not stressing about it all yet. 

Sending strength and hugs to all. 

 

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M88,

I'm glad you made it through his birthday, those days are very emotional and tough.  When you go through the trial, we'll be there with you, encouraging and supporting you, I hope you can feel it from where you are.

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M88.

6 hours ago, KayC said:

I'm glad you made it through his birthday, those days are very emotional and tough.  When you go through the trial, we'll be there with you, encouraging and supporting you, I hope you can feel it from where you are.

Yes, we will be here for you!

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I never thought about it that our departed spouse spent the rest of their lives with us. Something about that is beautiful. Thank you

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49 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

Something about that is beautiful.

It is beautiful. It wasn't until I joined this forum, read posts from others, that I started thinking of different perspectives. We get so mired down in our grief and loss in the early stages and we question the why's and search for answers. We were the chosen ones for our our loved ones. We feel honored and blessed that it was us they spent the rest of their life with. Whether it was God's choosing, or some other higher power, we were chosen as soulmates for our loved ones.

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It really is a beautiful thought to have. To know that our soulmate spent the rest of their life with us. It brings me comfort to know Lori died as my wife. That when she passed away, she was mine and I was hers. 

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Thank you guys.  Knowing my wonderfully caring grief family's thoughts will be with will be very comforting. 

I didn't get to say goodbye to my darling, which has left a deep wound on my soul, but I recently got to say goodbye to a lovely, elderly neighbour whom I'd been spending time with over the past couple of months - he was on palliative care at home.   I would keep him company so his dear wife could have time away to do her shopping and messages in the city.  He asked me how it really is for the one left behind and he only wanted honest answers.  We grew close very quickly, and had honest, in-depth chats about my experiences of losing loved ones and we shared tears, but some laughter too.  I learned he had a great sense of humour.  

The day he passed away was tough on us all but we kept our composure.  I found that final goodbye both traumatic, and in a sense healing.  Healing, I think because I felt honoured to be asked and trusted to support this loving couple through such an emotional, personal event.  And of course, the opportunity to say goodbye to him was a privilege and very, very emotional and the pain of Gerry's death got mixed up in my emotions too - I was hurting badly.  He spent his last hour, alone with his sweetheart of 53 years laying beside him - a beautiful ending - just what he'd asked me for.  His funeral service in the little historic church next to us, was truly beautiful with their son and grandchildren delivering a loving, well thought out eulogy.  

I've needed a few weeks to try and process this loss.  The strength and courage to help my friends could only have come from my late Mother whom I helped nurse in the hospital, during her last two weeks of life, from Gerry,  and perhaps from my dying friend himself.  Helping others, has certainly helped me with my own grief. 

I'd grown very fond of D - he was good company and I miss him very much.  

Sending strength and hugs to everyone.  

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2 hours ago, M88 said:

Thank you guys.  Knowing my wonderfully caring grief family's thoughts will be with will be very comforting. 

I didn't get to say goodbye to my darling, which has left a deep wound on my soul, but I recently got to say goodbye to a lovely, elderly neighbour whom I'd been spending time with over the past couple of months - he was on palliative care at home.   I would keep him company so his dear wife could have time away to do her shopping and messages in the city.  He asked me how it really is for the one left behind and he only wanted honest answers.  We grew close very quickly, and had honest, in-depth chats about my experiences of losing loved ones and we shared tears, but some laughter too.  I learned he had a great sense of humour.  

The day he passed away was tough on us all but we kept our composure.  I found that final goodbye both traumatic, and in a sense healing.  Healing, I think because I felt honoured to be asked and trusted to support this loving couple through such an emotional, personal event.  And of course, the opportunity to say goodbye to him was a privilege and very, very emotional and the pain of Gerry's death got mixed up in my emotions too - I was hurting badly.  He spent his last hour, alone with his sweetheart of 53 years laying beside him - a beautiful ending - just what he'd asked me for.  His funeral service in the little historic church next to us, was truly beautiful with their son and grandchildren delivering a loving, well thought out eulogy.  

I've needed a few weeks to try and process this loss.  The strength and courage to help my friends could only have come from my late Mother whom I helped nurse in the hospital, during her last two weeks of life, from Gerry,  and perhaps from my dying friend himself.  Helping others, has certainly helped me with my own grief. 

I'd grown very fond of D - he was good company and I miss him very much.  

Sending strength and hugs to everyone.  

I'm glad you shared this with us.  It does sound like a very special time you shared with him.  I'm sure his wife is grateful for your presence in their lives and in his death.  There is something about death drawing near that gives us some really authentic time with them, it has a way of making people contemplative and thinking about what is to come.

I didn't get to say goodbye to my husband either.  I've always regretted that but maybe it's best, maybe it's better we say "so long" instead of goodbye.  For me it isn't goodbye.  Our circumstances changed, our interaction changed, my life changed, but he's still part of me.

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Yes, it was a very, very special time, KayC.   Upon us moving into town from the country three years ago, it didn't take his wife and I long to become close friends, nor to realize that we are kindred spirits :)  

In those three years her husband and I only ever chatted over the fence about our vegetable gardens and the weather.  But we made up for lost time in the short, but close friendship we developed towards the end of his life. 

I have met three of the brave, selfless people who tried to comfort my darling as he took his last breath, and although it was traumatic for us all, I had to hear everything about that.  I will meet more folk who went to his aide, at the trial. 

I haven't been able to say the words 'rest in peace' to my dear Gerry, because I know he will have no peace until those responsible for his death are made by a court of law , to take repsonibility for their actions.  

Sending strength and hugs. 

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And I pray that happens for your sake and his, M88.  I do hope you'll let us know when the law does something, I'll keep you in prayer about this.

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