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Suddenly Lost My Soulmate


Sheree72

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4 days ago, I lost my Jeff.  He was 49.  I had been reading posts for 2 days on this site and felt this is where I needed to share my pain.  Jeff and I were living together and had been together for 7 years.  He was an outstanding provider not only to me but to my children as well.  5 days ago, I received a call from his sister that he was in the hospital and suffered a seizure which led to a massive stroke.  Being a person who prayed just about every night for God to protect my children, Jeff, my parents and my family, I had hope that he would be okay.  About 2 minutes later, I got a call from his daughter who was so distraught, I could barely make out what she was saying but I knew it was bad.  I then called his youngest daughter only to find out that his stroke was so bad, he wasn't going to make it.  Not my Jeff (which is what I told myself).  My Jeff would never, ever leave me.  He worshiped the ground I walk on.  He constantly bragged to anyone who would listen about how much he loved me.  He was not afraid to let anyone know how much he loved me.  He was my protector, he was so caring, affectionate, a great provider, and made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.  After receiving that call, I rushed to the hospital.  All I kept thinking was that my Sweetheart was going to be okay once he knew I was there.  Seeing him, I knew it was grim but believing in a higher power, I held onto my faith, expecting a miracle.  Through my flood of tears, I rubbed his head and chest and told him I was there (thinking I was all he needed).  I told him to fight and that we were suppose to grow old together.  I reminded him of all of our plans together.  The doctor then said that he only had hours to live.  I refused to accept that.  I had hope.  I knew miracles happen everyday and I was not going to give up hope. Doctors said that even if he somehow pulled through, he was already permanently damaged on the right side, would never walk or talk again.  I didn't care.  I would rather have some of him than have none.  I was willing to be a full time care giver to him (still believing in miracles).  I cried myself to sleep, only to wake up to a phone call early in the morning.  I didn't answer.  I already knew.  Then came a text.  Didn't look at it.  Then his daughter was calling.  I knew I had to face the truth.  And there it was.  He was gone.  My world came crumbling down.  All I can do is barely function.  I lie in bed in a daze for hours on end wondering why God would bring me such a wonderful man, only to snatch him away from me.  He was the man I was going to marry.  We had been through everything together and we weathered every single storm and it was like we both knew we had found our soulmate.  This is not fair.  I can't eat, I can't even think about enjoying anything, and I just want him back.  He didn't deserve this and I try to hold onto the fact that when it's my time to leave this earth, he will waiting with open arms.  I love him so much.

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Hello Sheree72, I'm terrible sorry about your loss, I can't imagine the pain and the struggle you are going through right now, the shock of the first days after the loss, is the worst feeling ever, I still remember the days in the hospital and the day Mario passed away, my mind tried to erase the memories, but my heart remembers well all the agony, the pain stroke me right in the middle of my heart, my mind stopped functioning because all I could felt was pain, agony and sadness, maybe you are going to the same and I know how terrifying is going through all this horrible feelings, hopelessness and helplessness are the main states of mind.

I understand how hope and faith turns into a raging fire when our love one is a hospital, even when the doctors said Mario had brain death, that I had to say goodbye, I went into the room and I begged god to wake him up, and I told Mario that he promised me that we will never ever leave me alone, he told me that he will say "I love you" every single day, and here I am, I haven't heard "I love you" since 2 months ago. I know you have faith and was the biggest faith you ever had before. As you, I thought the only thing Mario needed was no know that I was there for him, he was sedated but I talked to him and told him he will be ok, I told him the doctors were taking care of him and he was strong and healthy, he just had to fight back a bit to come back with me, but he never woke up.

You came to the right place, this forum is filled with beautiful people, people who will support you and will tell you that the pain wont vanish, but someday will learn to handle it, that is ok to cry, to scream, to sorrow... losing someone you love is not easy, grieving someone you love is a process that will have to embrace, because the bigger the love the hardest the grieve. Life is not fair, and I am really sorry about your loss.

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What more can I add than what Ka9219 has already said...I am just so sorry, it is horrible, it's a nightmare, I know.  There are no answers that I know of as to why we lose them, I find no purpose in the loss, only pain.  I want to acknowledge your pain, your incredible loss, it matters, each and everything you feel matters.  

I hope you will continue to come here, we are all going through this together.

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Sheree72,  I am deeply sorry for your tragic loss. I feel your pain in your words. God brought you and Jeff together. God picked YOU to love and care for Jeff during the rest of his time here. God chose Jeff for you so you could know unconditional love. Such a blessing and an honor! Maybe these words don't mean anything right now, at this time, but hopefully down the road, they will. Prayers of love, support and virtual hugs going out to you.

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I knew I came to the right place.  Ka9219, KayC, KMB, I am sorry for your loss as well.  Your kind words, encouragement, and understanding means so much to me.  Friends and family support are good but they have not experienced this so they cannot begin to understand.  I find myself getting angry, even though I am aware that people are only trying to offer solutions for me to "feel better."  But I wish they would stop telling me that I need to get out of the bed and try to do other things to keep busy.  How is that even possible?  My Jeff was my world, along with my children.  He was a great father to my son who's not his biological but no one could tell him that my my son wasn't his son.  My 21 year old daughter has been so helpful and I feel guilty for not functioning around the house but all I can do is lie in bed and think about my Jeff knowing that my heart and my world is forever changed.  Like most of you, I feel the guilt of wondering what I could have done differently to prevent this from happening.  I will never have his protective arms holding me at night anymore.  I cannot bear to go through his things.  The funeral hasn't happened yet and I'm afraid I won't have the strength to endure it.  How am I suppose to get through that?  I never knew life could be this cruel.

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31 minutes ago, Sheree72 said:

  The funeral hasn't happened yet and I'm afraid I won't have the strength to endure it.  How am I suppose to get through that?  I never knew life could be this cruel.

The funeral will be difficult. There's no sugar coating it. I tried to keep myself busy by interacting with those in attendance. There were so many people there that it took up a great deal of the visitation time before the service. It was helpful to keep my mind busy. I also took a few minutes alone with Lori in the visitation room. I talked to her and said what I wanted to say. I really needed that time alone with her before anybody else went in. I'm glad I did it. During the funeral I tried my best to focus on the happy memories that the pastor and speakers talked about. Just breathe. It won't be easy but you can do it. We will be there with you in spirit.

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Thanks Eagle-96.  You are further along in your journey and this proves how strong you are.  Since I feel there is no judgment here, I have to confess that I am thankful the ceremony will be closed casket (at least that's what I've been told by the family).  If it weren't, I had reservations about attending as I couldn't bear to see him in that form.  I want to remember him just as he were.  Also, I suffer from an intense fear of deceased bodies and have nightmares about them.  I do not know why I am this way and I hate it.  Everyday that goes by without information regarding the arrangements is a relief and I feel guilty for saying that.  But again, I feel that even though I know all of this is real, it's going to become "too real" and my fear is once getting there, I am hoping not to pass out from the "realness" of it all.  I am really dreading seeing his casket (strangely that doesn't bother me) but seeing and knowing that they are going to put my Jeff in the ground is going to rip my heart to pieces.  I know everyone here felt the same but I admire everyone here for continuing to move forward.  I just don't see that happening right now.

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23 minutes ago, Sheree72 said:

Thanks Eagle-96.  You are further along in your journey and this proves how strong you are.  Since I feel there is no judgment here, I have to confess that I am thankful the ceremony will be closed casket (at least that's what I've been told by the family).  If it weren't, I had reservations about attending as I couldn't bear to see him in that form.  I want to remember him just as he were.  Also, I suffer from an intense fear of deceased bodies and have nightmares about them.  I do not know why I am this way and I hate it.  Everyday that goes by without information regarding the arrangements is a relief and I feel guilty for saying that.  But again, I feel that even though I know all of this is real, it's going to become "too real" and my fear is once getting there, I am hoping not to pass out from the "realness" of it all.  I am really dreading seeing his casket (strangely that doesn't bother me) but seeing and knowing that they are going to put my Jeff in the ground is going to rip my heart to pieces.  I know everyone here felt the same but I admire everyone here for continuing to move forward.  I just don't see that happening right now.

There's nothing to feel bad about for not wanting to see Jeff at the service. Everybody is different. For me personally, I needed to see her one last time and it didn't change or alter the way I remember her when she was alive. Again, everyone is different so you do what is best for you and you alone. I will also mention that I was still in the numbness and fog during the service so my body's defense mechanism shielded me from a lot of pain. You are right, the service will likely bring a new level of reality to this. For me, several events have driven home the reality that Lori is gone(obituary, funeral, death certificates, closing her accounts, finalizing the design of the headstone). They were each difficult in their own way but all cemented the fact that this new life is indeed real. I pray that you will find the strength to make it through that difficult day.

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Funeral is hard, we all need to take it in the best way we can, I just cried and cried, spent all the time I could next to the coffin and I needed to feel the pain, the anger and the sorrow, as Eagle said, there is not "easy way", in my case I am terrified about coffins so knowing Mario was within it, was my worst nightmare. But we all take grieve and situations differently, if you need to cry: cry, if you need to keep yourself busy: talk with people, try to remember the good things. It doesn't helped me but some people think there is just a "case", your love one, is in light, in a beautiful place, he only feels love and joy. Do what is best for you.

I couldn't see Mario "in that way" I rather remember him when he was alive, but we all need different things, his family spent hours and hours next to him looking at him, I just sat down next to his coffin and talked with him. Mario wanted to be cremated and put into the sea, and so we did. But sawing his ashes hit me hard, my big and strong man turned into "sand" was shocking, there is nothing "good", "easy", or "pretty" about death, but is part of life. It will hurt and will need to be surrounded by those who love you.

As you said people don't understand what you are going through, and anger, is part of this. I send you a big big hug, we are here for you

 

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4 hours ago, Sheree72 said:

but seeing and knowing that they are going to put my Jeff in the ground is going to rip my heart to pieces. 

There is no denying it, enduring the funeral and burial will rip you to pieces. You WILL get through it. You WILL, because you will be doing it for Jeff. I believe our loved ones are with us in spirit, more so especially during the tough times. I've read where they are spiritually present during their memorials, etc., so they can enjoy seeing all those who loved them in one place. You have more inner strength than you realize. If the funeral gets to be more than you can handle, you can take a break and go somewhere and just breathe. It is entirely your decision on what you feel you can handle.  (HUGS)

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I am so sorry for your loss, Sheree.  Life and death can be so cruel.  Like you, I had a fear of not being able to get through my darling man's funeral service and burial, but I did and you will too.  Shock gives us a degree of cushioning. Thankfully I took water and chewing gum in my handbag as at one point during the service my mouth became so dry that I just could not swallow.  

You have most definitely come to the right place, Sherree and it's good you found us so early in your grief.  Although we each grieve in our own individual manner, we encounter and experience very similar emotions.  There is comfort to be found in communicating with others who are also travelling this same painful, twisted, pot hole ridden road called the grief journey - this journey that batters our hearts, minds and souls to within an inch of our lives.  A comfort and understanding that can often not be found among our friends and family, or in a book describing what to expect in our grief.  

Who else but those who have been forced to endure the loss of a much loved spouse could possibly understand how it affects us?  Words to describe it have not been invented yet.  I hope here on this wonderful forum, which may feel like the only positive thing in your life for some time to come, you will also find even just a little relief from your pain.  The sharing and expression of our pain and of ideas we've found to help deal with particular issues, forms the heart of the forum.  There is much to learn from other members posts - both current and others made in the past. 

If your bed or bedroom is your sanctuary, use it as such.  We have to do whatever it takes to survive this emotional ordeal.  

Initially I suffered from terrible nightmares which came as soon as I went to sleep, so my GP prescribed sleeping tablets which would give me up to 3 hours nightmare free sleep, each night.  For a long time I'd have to take another one in the night but 18 months later I 'get by' on just half a tablet and now just have the occassional nightmare.

Know we are all here for you and don't be afraid to ask express yourself or ask questions.  

Sending strength and hugs X

 

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I felt the funeral went better than anticipated, so many showed up and that meant a lot to me, and the minister that officiated did a wonderful job, he was George's friend.  I hope you find comfort in his funeral as well, I was scared to go to it but then it went well.  It's everyday life that I found hard.

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Thank you all for your insight.  It's a blessing to be a part of those who have understand.  Hugs and continued strength to you all.

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