Lurker

[Stonesie]

When my husband first died Christmas Day...and for a while after...I had no trouble talking about it.

 

Now I come here and read...and want to ask for help...but all I can do is sit here and cry.  I'm numb.  I guess that's all I can say.

[Ka9219]

Stonesie, grieve hit us in different ways, and we'd like to think that hurt "vanish" with time, but we all know that's not true, next 26th will be the second month since Mario died, and I'm feeling worst than ever. Numbness, hopeless, helpless, sadness, anger, frustration, I feel it every day, and we all feel it here as well, it doesn't end, time might help, but we are not talking about days or months, we will need years to learn how to handle this.

Crying is part of this, if you need to cry do it, crying is the visible way to express our grieve, talk with your husband, we all share the hope our love one is listening to us, talk to him, tell him how you feel, he wont judge you.

If you need friends here we are for you, if you need professional help go with a therapist, they help a lot, they wont give a magical pill to "forget" but they will give you the tools to handle the grieve, 'cause this is and endless path.

[Eagle-96]

3 hours ago, Stonesie said:

When my husband first died Christmas Day...and for a while after...I had no trouble talking about it.

 

Now I come here and read...and want to ask for help...but all I can do is sit here and cry.  I'm numb.  I guess that's all I can say.

There seems to be no rhyme or reason to what we feel and when. After getting over the numbness I felt at first, I now find that I feel worse now then the first month. There are days I can talk about Lori and smile and other times make we want to weep and be alone. It's so difficult to know what each day will have in store. It's almost like flipping a coin and if it says "terrible day" I just go with it and try to fight through the mire. On the other hand, if the coin says "half-way decent day" I still wait for the other shoe to drop and wonder when the day will turn on me. My life before Lori died was pretty stable and predictable and we liked it that way. Now it truly is like being thrown into the middle of the ocean and being beaten up by the waves and the sharks. The only problem is we can't drown no matter how hard we try.

[KayC]

Stonesie,

Lurker or not, I'm glad you come here, I hope it helps you to know there are others feeling as you do and that your feelings are normal for the situation.  I remember wondering if I was going crazy.

[KMB]

Stonsie, I'm so sorry for what you are enduring. This is so tough and so very painful. I understand the numbness. I still have days of feeling nothing and not caring about anything, except how miserably lonely I am without my husband. There are days I wonder if my mind is going to totally collapse on me from the constant weight of pain, the heart break and loneliness. We want help, but there is nothing or no one that can help us, except our beloved who is gone. We are left with the choice to help ourselves. We have to become our own best friend.

Keep coming here and reading posts. We can all relate to the emotions and thoughts. Sometimes that is all I can manage, is reading others posts. Some people's struggles are so painful that I sit here and cry too. I respond back to others to relate, encourage and uplift, when I can manage the typing and my mind can handle engaging.

Hang in there, Stonsie. We are with you here.

[Dian]

Stonsie

I am right there with you. This Thursday it will be two months since I lost my husband to a heart attack. I feel broken most days and feel like nothing has any purpose anymore. There are no words to describe how much I miss him. This forum has been a godsend . There are so many caring individuals here to support you and make you not feel so alone. They understand our pain. If you need to cry then do so. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever gone through. Most people do not understand the agony we are feeling . I use to be one of them. Hugs to you.

 

[GhostofLight]

Grief is... unpredictable to say the least.  I thought I was doing well until this past weekend when it hit me like a thunderbolt.  This site has helped tremendously.  You are welcome here.  You are needed here.

All I can figure is that it's a force to submit to.  You can't outsmart grief.  You can't postpone it.  You can't reason it away.  You have to let it be.  There's no schedule, only feeling.

 

 

[Stonesie]

You all are a gift from God.  Thank you for seeing and hearing me   I wish we didn't have this terrible thing in common.  I wish none of us had this happen.

[Francine]

On 7/24/2017 at 4:03 AM, Stonesie said:

...but all I can do is sit here and cry.  I'm numb.  I guess that's all I can say.

Then thats what you do.  Cry your eyes out; cry in the shower, sob in your pillow and pray you make it - and you will; we all will.  Grief holds a kind of heartache you can feel in your bones and opens a place in your heart that you never knew could hurt so badly, but it also opens the same place to a love you never imagined possible.  It's been said that crying is good for the soul and all of our souls need some healing.   I'm sending prayers up to the heavens for you, for all of us.  Stay strong!

[Stonesie]

Prayers are definitely welcome.  I don't like life without him, I feel like I literally have no purpose.  Of course everyone names all the great things like my sweet grandbaby, my two daughters....but I can't figure out how to find joy.  Maybe someday.

It does help to come here and feel less alone in this horror.

[KayC]

5 hours ago, Stonesie said:

Maybe someday.

Then accept that, "maybe someday".  Right now perhaps it is too soon for you to find it.  Continue to express yourself, I found that helps.  I can't tell you how long it took me to find purpose...years.  It takes what it takes, everyone's timeline is different.  If your grandbaby brings you a smile, then that is joy for that moment, no matter how fleeting.  It may not be enough, but perhaps it's a start to build from.

Like Francine said, let your tears flow, we need that release.

[KMB]

11 hours ago, Stonesie said:

 I don't like life without him, I feel like I literally have no purpose.  Of course everyone names all the great things like my sweet grandbaby, my two daughters....but I can't figure out how to find joy.  Maybe someday.

I feel the same as you. I don't like this life at all without my husband to share it with. I also have grown children and grandchildren. I currently have my oldest daughter living with me until she gets on her feet again. She is my current purpose and it is temporary. Then what? I don't know. The rest of the kids all live long distance and I don't see or hear from them often. They are caught up in their own lives. My life was with my husband and it is so hard figuring this out and finding the will and motivation to keep going day by day. 

[KayC]

KMB,

My daughter stayed with me a little while when I lost George, it helped.  It doesn't fix anything though, they do go back to their lives and we're left alone to figure out what now, that's the challenge.  But I'm glad you have your daughter with you for now.  God it's hard.

[KMB]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

 It doesn't fix anything though, they do go back to their lives and we're left alone to figure out what now, that's the challenge.  But I'm glad you have your daughter with you for now.  God it's hard.

I'm sorry your kids don't live closer. I know how alone and lonely you are. Yes, it is a challenge. That word can be an understatement at times. Even with my daughter here it is. She has her own schedule and a job that is on the weekends for now. Weekends are hell for me and as much as I try to stay busy, I'm still without her company. I wonder if one of my life lessons is learning to be alone. I know that grief of loss is always going to be a life long lesson.

[Francine]

On 7/26/2017 at 2:57 AM, Stonesie said:

I don't like life without him, I feel like I literally have no purpose.  Of course everyone names all the great things like my sweet grandbaby, my two daughters....but I can't figure out how to find joy.  Maybe someday.

I know your feelings only too well. I went to my doctor today for my 3 month checkup today and felt the same way.  I had no purpose, no desire, no goal, no ambition, no function - Just because we are breathing doesn't mean we're alive.   It's as if my generation has all gone before me and I don't belong here anymore; my place is with my Charles, right by his side.  That's pretty sad  .   Friends tell me I've got so much to live for, like you, my children, grandchildren, family and friends; but without my Charles, there's no meaning.  I've pretty much ruled out ever finding *joy* again, I had it once and know the *feelings* it brought me.  I can't see that happening again for me (not on this earth).   At this point, I feel myself changing; I don't laugh the same anymore; I don't smile the same or talk the same; I'm just so tired of everything and would be more than content with being *Okay*.  I am a strong believer in God and faith, so I its not about what *I* want or think, its about what *HE* has in place for me. 

[Eagle-96]

2 hours ago, Francine said:

I know your feelings only too well. I went to my doctor today for my 3 month checkup today and felt the same way.  I had no purpose, no desire, no goal, no ambition, no function - Just because we are breathing doesn't mean we're alive.   It's as if my generation has all gone before me and I don't belong here anymore; my place is with my Charles, right by his side.  That's pretty sad  .   Friends tell me I've got so much to live for, like you, my children, grandchildren, family and friends; but without my Charles, there's no meaning.  I've pretty much ruled out ever finding *joy* again, I had it once and know the *feelings* it brought me.  I can't see that happening again for me (not on this earth).   At this point, I feel myself changing; I don't laugh the same anymore; I don't smile the same or talk the same; I'm just so tired of everything and would be more than content with being *Okay*.  I am a strong believer in God and faith, so I its not about what *I* want or think, its about what *HE* has in place for me. 

Francine,

Know that I am praying for you. It breaks my heart to see you so deeply in the grips of this grief monster. You always have such great advice and words of wisdom. You are an amazing comfort to so many who come here for help. Your faith is steadfast and quite apparent in you posts. I just pray that God will lead you to a better state in this journey and you can find the comfort and peace that you provide to so many.

[KMB]

Francine, We love you and you are always in our prayers! Our life cannot get any worse, because we've been through the worst, and are fighting to come out the other side.

 

[Francine]

51 minutes ago, Eagle-96 said:

Francine,

Know that I am praying for you. It breaks my heart to see you so deeply in the grips of this grief monster. You always have such great advice and words of wisdom. You are an amazing comfort to so many who come here for help. Your faith is steadfast and quite apparent in you posts. I just pray that God will lead you to a better state in this journey and you can find the comfort and peace that you provide to so many.

 

4 minutes ago, KMB said:

Francine, We love you and you are always in our prayers! Our life cannot get any worse, because we've been through the worst, and are fighting to come out the other side.

 

You don't know what your post meant to me - it brought me to tears - thank you both so very much.  Hugs

[Dian]

I agree with the above as well Francine , your kinds words have brought me out of that dark place more than once. You always give such good advice and have brought me comfort when I could find none. Hugs to all here.

[Stonesie]

On 7/26/2017 at 3:42 PM, KMB said:

I feel the same as you. I don't like this life at all without my husband to share it with. I also have grown children and grandchildren. I currently have my oldest daughter living with me until she gets on her feet again. She is my current purpose and it is temporary. Then what? I don't know. The rest of the kids all live long distance and I don't see or hear from them often. They are caught up in their own lives. My life was with my husband and it is so hard figuring this out and finding the will and motivation to keep going day by day. 

I also have my oldest living with me, and I'm actually pretty thankful for that.  If she wasn't around I think I'd sleep all day long and maybe only put on fresh clothes when I have to go to the doctor (which is way too often, too many specialists).  

[Stonesie]

19 hours ago, KayC said:

KMB,

My daughter stayed with me a little while when I lost George, it helped.  It doesn't fix anything though, they do go back to their lives and we're left alone to figure out what now, that's the challenge.  But I'm glad you have your daughter with you for now.  God it's hard.

I think that has been one of the crappiest things.  Everyone goes back to their lives and I'm left standing here wondering what in the world to do with a crushed heart.  Yes, hard is an understatement.

[Stonesie]

11 hours ago, Francine said:

I know your feelings only too well. I went to my doctor today for my 3 month checkup today and felt the same way.  I had no purpose, no desire, no goal, no ambition, no function - Just because we are breathing doesn't mean we're alive.   It's as if my generation has all gone before me and I don't belong here anymore; my place is with my Charles, right by his side.  That's pretty sad  .   Friends tell me I've got so much to live for, like you, my children, grandchildren, family and friends; but without my Charles, there's no meaning.  I've pretty much ruled out ever finding *joy* again, I had it once and know the *feelings* it brought me.  I can't see that happening again for me (not on this earth).   At this point, I feel myself changing; I don't laugh the same anymore; I don't smile the same or talk the same; I'm just so tired of everything and would be more than content with being *Okay*.  I am a strong believer in God and faith, so I its not about what *I* want or think, its about what *HE* has in place for me. 

I could have written the exact same words.

I am amazed and also very sad to know how similar everyone feels.  I just want to hug every single person here.

[Francine]

9 hours ago, Dian said:

I agree with the above as well Francine , your kinds words have brought me out of that dark place more than once. You always give such good advice and have brought me comfort when I could find none. Hugs to all here.

That is so thoughtful of you to say and it warms my heart so - thank you.  It's so amazing how God puts the right people in our lives at the right time with the words to say.  I truly think we have a family here that I am glad to be a part of. 

[KMB]

6 hours ago, Francine said:

I truly think we have a family here that I am glad to be a part of. 

I am also thankful to be a part of this family we have here. Without all of you, I have no clue where I would be right now. I know I would be worse off if I hadn't found this forum of warm, caring people whom all are living with grief.

[Francine]

6 hours ago, KMB said:

I am also thankful to be a part of this family we have here. Without all of you, I have no clue where I would be right now. I know I would be worse off if I hadn't found this forum of warm, caring people whom all are living with grief.

Double Ditto (if that can actually happen ) your entire post!  Truly spot on!!!

[Dian]

Triple ditto

[KayC]

On 7/27/2017 at 11:18 AM, KMB said:

I wonder if one of my life lessons is learning to be alone.

I don't know that I'll ever have this down completely.  I've been living alone these 12 years with my kids in and out of my lives a bit in the beginning, but as you well know, even when they're there, they aren't, still it was nice having them pop in and have a human to talk to once in a while.  These past several years it's SO ALONE!  Getting out and seeing people in the day is NOT the same as having someone in the home that gives a rip, you know?

It helps to have this place to come to.  I've gotten in a routine of coming here first thing in the morning.  Tomorrow I won't get to because I have to drive several hours, leaving way too early in the morning, it will feel weird not to come here first.

[KMB]

Safe travels tomorrow, KayC! I am on and off this forum all day. It has become routine for me also. A professional out there would probably say I am codependent on this site, but I don't care! I get my comfort from being on here and I try to give back to others, which I consider vitally important, because we all know this grief journey is a life long deal.There is no where in this rural area to volunteer my time and help, so for me, this forum is the best outlet for me. In between being on here, I do chores and errands, spend time talking to my daughter when she isn't doing her own thing. We go out for groceries and the occasional meal. But, basically, I am still alone and I come here to ease the loneliness for my husband. He would understand and approve my interaction here.

[Francine]

On 7/29/2017 at 11:48 AM, KMB said:

There is no where in this rural area to volunteer my time and help, so for me, this forum is the best outlet for me.   But, basically, I am still alone and I come here to ease the loneliness for my husband. He would understand and approve my interaction here.

Being in a major city, there's always a lot going on - sometimes too much.  Even when my Charles was here, we spent the majority of our time together at home, sometimes just watching TV; listening to *our* music; in deep conversation on everything; reading; sitting on the deck on nice days; walking in the park on other days; going on picnics in the park; looking at the stars at night through the telescope or just wrapped in each other's arms - and those things are much better than anything a big city could ever offer. 

Like you, I too come here to ease my loneliness and I know Charles would have encouraged me to - helping others go through this horrible journey.  While my son lives with me, and by him working,  I am alone a large portion of the day but I'm getting through it - slowly -  knowing my Charles spirit is with me every second.

[KayC]

If roles were reversed, my husband would be here, he was always on some forum or another, he sought out people and was very much in touch with his feelings and very articulate.  People always said he should have been a writer.  (sigh...)

My day went well yesterday, out of here at 6 am to be at their church at 9 am for baby dedication.  I spent the day with my grandkids, it was a wonderful day, holding baby Vincent, enjoying Ceci (two) the shade of their trees and the constant breeze they have on this all too hot day.  I was worried about my leg but iced it four times yesterday, and soaked my feet when I got home and somehow made it through the long day without too much worse for the wear.  Exhausted, but slept well last night.

I am beyond caring what others think of my being here after 12 years.  Like you, I want to be here for others, I want some meaning/purpose to come from having been through this, and I still find comfort among you all.  We don't all view everything the same, that's okay, we relate on enough commonalities to get each other and I appreciate everyone here.

[Francine]

56 minutes ago, KayC said:

My day went well yesterday, out of here at 6 am to be at their church at 9 am for baby dedication.  I spent the day with my grandkids, it was a wonderful day, holding baby Vincent, enjoying Ceci (two) the shade of their trees and the constant breeze they have on this all too hot day.  I was worried about my leg but iced it four times yesterday, and soaked my feet when I got home and somehow made it through the long day without too much worse for the wear.  Exhausted, but slept well last night.

I am beyond caring what others think of my being here after 12 years.  Like you, I want to be here for others, I want some meaning/purpose to come from having been through this, and I still find comfort among you all.  We don't all view everything the same, that's okay, we relate on enough commonalities to get each other and I appreciate everyone here.

i'm glad you had a wonderful day and you were able to spend time with the grandchildren.  Enjoy them while they are llittle - they're only that way for a short time.   I have a set of twins and they will be teenagers this year - unbelievable.  I can't promise that I'll be here for the rest of their lives but I can promise that I will love them for the rest of mine.  Sort of like what my Charles did for me.   I'll love them for the both of us. 

I'm right along with you - the heck with what others think of your time here - personally, I believe this is your calling and I hope you know your worth to all on this site.  Your post are always uplifting and encouraging, not only for me, but for all of us.   I truly thank God for your presence here.  One does not have to be ordain to minister; ministry is listening when you'd rather fix a problem; looking for the joy when it's easier to say, it's not fair; helping when you feel like you're the one that need help; being willing for God to use you, rather asking to be recused; encouraging when you don't understand God's reasoning; sending *vitural* hugs when it might feel awkwaard; sending prayers for our healing; encouraging us to never give up when things seem hopeless; contining to visit this website when you can easily say, you've given all you can; and by being that glimmer of light in someone's darkness - knowing that if KayC can continue after 12 years, there's hope for us all.

THANK YOU for being you.

[KMB]

KayC and Francine--- Ditto on both of your posts!  KayC---I am glad also that you had the day with your grandkids. I know those days don't happen too often for you.

[KayC]

Thank you so much!  I really appreciate your kind words.

Driving for five hours with my messed up leg (I have a clutch) was hard especially when there was an accident backing up the traffic on the freeway, inching along, having to use my clutch.  I hadn't figured on that, I'd figured I'd use my cruise control and when I was stopped at a light I'd put it in neutral & set the parking brake.  Anyway, I made it home intact, and rested up yesterday.  

It will be in the 100s all week this week, we're having a heat wave (no A/C) that's unusual here.  Will be glad when it's over!  I hope you're all staying cool!

[KMB]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

Driving for five hours with my messed up leg (I have a clutch

Totally get that with having clutch vehicles myself. Quite the challenge with a hurt leg or foot, arm or hand,. You did accomplish the journey though and safely!

In the mid to high 80's here with humidity. I've been going outside and taking taking of chores before the sun gets over the tree tops. The older I get, the less I can cope with hot sun and humidity. At least for us it it going to break after today. Stay cool and hydrated!

[KayC]

I'm trying to do everything in the morning and am not worth anything in the afternoon.  Tomorrow I have my grief support group and then will stay at the church and work in the A/C office in the afternoon. (I have a bag of ice in the freezer there for my knees/shin.)

[KMB]

KayC, Praying for you that your injuries keep improving in recovery!

[KayC]

Thank you!  I continue to see improvement, it's just slow going.

[Francine]

On 8/2/2017 at 10:32 AM, KayC said:

Thank you!  I continue to see improvement, it's just slow going.

Glad you're doing better - take your time and try not to do too much.  We *seasoned* ladies don't always heal as fast, but we do heal fixed.   You're in my prayers.

[KayC]

Thank you, Francine, that means a lot to me!  I'm on my church's prayer list, I'll take all I can get!