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Slicks-sister

These emotions after almost a year! Where am I supposed to place them??!!!

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It has almost been one year since I lost my brother. I wrote this almost two weeks after he passed and because of the unanswered questions and unresolved emotional issues it has since had a major impact on my relationships lately. Any advice??? I'm most worried about my marriage. I have to find out what to do with these repeated feelings. FYI I have never shared this before with anyone (this is even my first post here or anywhere) and this is just my raw feelings originally written to myself. 

Aug 2016

My brother died less than two weeks ago. I was in shock through all the arrangements and funeral. I couldn't seem to feel that it was real. I thought maybe picking out the casket would make it real, then it didn't. So then I thought writing the obituary would surely make it real, but it didn't. As if I had to keep myself busy in order to not lose myself right along with him. Then I thought that seeing him would definitely make it real. I went the night before the funeral, up to the funeral home to see him for the first time since the news and to make sure everything was "done to my satisfaction".... My satisfaction??, I thought. Did you revive him? Will he be able to sit up and tell me some crude joke to make me laugh and everything be ok? Of course not!!! So when seeing him didn't make it real either, I thought maybe his funeral and putting him in the ground might make me realize he is really gone. Well the morning came and the grieving family and friends came then they all left and still no reality. I cried that whole week during all of that but it was only when I would look at his pictures and think about the possibility of it being real, that my brother could actually really truly be dead. It was just the thought of it that made me sad though. It wasn't my reality yet. My family all went back home to try and figure out how to deal with it while picking back up with living their normal lives and then all the calls slowly stopped coming in. I was at my house alone, kids off to their first day at school, and my thoughts started to scramble. I was alone with my thoughts and nothing holding them back any longer. My heart started to melt. It felt like my entire soul got up, detached itself and walked away, leaving me sitting there lifeless for a second. It started to hit me!! HARD! My entire body wanted to scream out! Being in my own skin was uncomfortable. You always try to imagine what someone must feel like going through something like that. You imagine if you lose a sibling, what you might feel. Well my previous assumption was absolutely inaccurate! It's nothing like you think. This is an emotional experience I can honestly say I have never experienced anything close to before. No matter what memories pop into my head, I literally have to work my way up the chain of emotions to get to the better feeling ones. Sorrow, sadness, guilt, regret, rage, anger, frustration, until I finally get to peace, laughter and then love. Once I feel the love I have for him it makes me sad all over again! People would talk to me about " yea I lost my grandmother and we were close, I know how you feel". AaAHH!!! Wrong!! I lost my grandmother too! We were super close. She was like a mother to me. Definitely doesn't even compare!! She was an adult and I had been the grandchild. We didn't fight or argue or play tricks on each other for years. We didn't "get away with" things together growing up, we didn't get real with each other about how we felt at times and we definitely weren't together since both of us were infants! We didn't sleep in the next room from each other for 18-20 years and we didn't share parents siblings or the same childhood together. Me and my brother were close! He was 31, a year older than me. We had the same group of friends even. He was just always there! He WAS always there. How do I even deal? I can't even place a label on this type of emotion that I feel. I want to be able to just name it and someone honestly relate and know exactly what I am feeling! It's lonely. It's like trying to describe a color to a man who had been blind his entire life. You just can't do it! Until the person experiences it, they really don't know what you mean and even then people deal with things so differently! I'm afraid the way I feel is going to affect my marriage negatively. I mean my husband is great and so supportive but he doesn't understand what I'm going through and I think he kind of feels I should be getting over it by now, possibly. When really it's only just begun. I don't feel like I should talk about my brother to him how I really want to. I mean it's almost like even if I did, he doesn't know the emotion I'm feeling behind the things I have to say about my brother anyway. This is just hard. I tried to reach out to my family but that makes me feel more like the black sheep. It's like I'm not allowed to talk about him to anyone! Im the only one who handles emotions openly, better than bottling it up and suppressing it in order to feel normal again. My brother used to think of himself as the black sheep of the family. We had that in common, as contradictory as that sounds. I know that if I was going through this when he was here, I would have that conversation I need, that realization that I need, the laugh that I need and that part of my brother that I need right now. I can't help but question all of this. "Am I doing it right" "is it supposed to feel this way" "is this a normal level of grief" "why does it feel so uncomfortable" but most of all "is he really still here with me". All of these questions can't be answered to my satisfaction I don't think. I have been zoning out. I have always been particularly proud of how keen I was with my awareness. That has just gone away. Someone could be talking to me for 20 minutes before I realize that I haven't heard a single word they just said. That makes me only want to be alone. Have you ever had the urge to talk about something that was bothering you but not feel like talking at all, what so ever!!???? It's things like that, that make me so mixed up. It's like I just don't know anymore. I just don't know how to deal! I just had my first encounter with someone we grew up with that didn't know about my brothers death. It was too soon! I couldn't deal. I don't want to see anyone else who might ask me how he's doing. I have the urge and need to escape from this! I want to break free from the grasp it has on me. Then again even that feels wrong. I need an answer but not sure what the right question is. How can I go about determining something like that? What do I do???

...

so here it is over 11 months later and all this time I have felt pushed into bottling it up because I had no where else to place it. The bottle has finally filled up and now it's over flowing into my life and overwhelming me. I knew me and this bottle have never seen eye to eye. I found some letters that my brother wrote me a couple months after it happened. It helped a little because he wrote them about my grandmothers death and really what he had to say about death was extremely helpful. I guess now I'm still trying to face that it's real and irreversible. It's not being able to have that two way conversation with him, that I need so bad, that's making this the hardest!! I'm still not sure anything anyone could say or do would make this stop but I guess the reason for my post is to air out these emotions and possibly see that I am understood. Yes! I think being understood would be a great start!! 

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Lynelle   

Hello from someone who really knows what you are saying. I lost my sister almost 9 months ago and I can recognize all of your questions. Unfortunately I haven't found answers either. We were incredibly close, talked every day at least once, did everything together. I have a wonderful, supportive husband (who also grieves for her. He loved her too). The only way I can describe it is DARK. The world just isn't bright anymore. It's like a bright light has been extinguished and although I am grateful for so much, it will never be light again.  My 89 yo father loves to look at her pictures but I can't do it....it's still too painful. I think the idea of living another 20/30 years without seeing her and hearing her voice is unbearable. You're right about your grandmother analogy. When I lost my mother 10 years ago, I thought that was the worst grief. WRONG. No comparison. It is comforting to speak/write to another who really understands. My thoughts and prayers are with you in your journey for answers. Feel free to contact me anytime. Xo 

 

 

 

 

 

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Hi Slicks-sister.

 

You have put my emotions into words. I lost my younger brother of 25 years to a car accident over 1 year ago now and feel overwhelmed with the grief. I feel that I cannot speak to my husband about this (even though he is the most understanding person) as I do not want to seem like it is overtaking my relationship with him.

There are days where I just put my brothers thoughts at the back of my mind and get on with my daily activities and suddenly it can hit me from nowhere and just break me down every time.

 

I feel like I have lost my childhood and as though it never existed as the one person I shared my childhood with has just disappeared never to be seen/heard again! 

 

I do not understand how it gets easier with time. This forum however does help in understanding that I am not alone in this journey.

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I lost my baby sister about 8 months ago and I feel the same way....it's like this horrible reality that can't be real....every day I wake up and hope my life these past few months without her has been some horrific dream but every day I wake up and she's not here...I still wait for her to come home or call me and it just doesn't happen....she was 33, two years younger than me, and she was healthy and happy and had a beautiful baby boy...:things like his happened to other people...not us...she died in a car accident. I spoke to her that morning and that afternoon...she was gone. Half of me died that day too....the world just isn't the same...colors aren't as vibrant...there's just no point anymore for me....what keeps me going is her beautiful son who I adore and need to take care of in her honor....people just don't understand....

what you said rings true...your siblings grow with you and they share this unique bond that's is so incredible and meaningful - they're the ones who really know you, who understand how crazy your parents are , and empathize with your frustrations with other crazy family members....they're the ones you have millions of inside jokes with and the ones who would you trust with your life....at least that was my relationship with my sister...if I could I would happily switch places with her so she could be here with her son...

i don't think our grief for our loved ones will ever truly ease...I mean how can it when half of us is gone?, but I hope our coping skills improve and we have more good days than bad...I thought only her birthday and hodiayabwould be tough but every day is hard...if someone hasn't lost a sibling they were close with, they just won't understand...it's a fact...time just doesn't heal this kind of pain. 

And yes like another painter said, having to live another 40/50 years without her, hurts. We were suppose to grow old together...we were suppose to be these old ladies shopping in our scooters in the mall and just laugh and laugh....I don't know what God let this horrible thing happen to her...she was amazing 

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soph   

hi slicks-sister 

Im reading your post and nodding along.

 my heart is broken and the loss of my sister has been hard to process, the sibling bonds that held us so tightly together have snapped and now there is just a gaping void. No one knows what to say to me, i want to yell at people who think they knew her and didn't or people who try and tell me how get over her passing or say other stupid things.

 i don't have to explain all that i cant because the words escape me, because its all you have written, and i understand where you are coming from and i came here to "air-out" all these emotions i have no idea on how to deal with, so I"m not bursting out in tears when i think of her, of us of her kids... my life now.

thanks for posting your brother sounds like a real character i would like to know more if you wanted to tell someone more about him.

 

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Oh my word! It feels like you are speaking from my own heart! There's nothing worse than someone trying to compare your grief to their own. No one could know what pain it brings,  except for yourself and your sibling and the connection between the two of you. Every person's grief is different because it's their own! 

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Slicks-sister, thanks for posting this. I know it may not have been your intention, but this post helped me at a lonely time. I lost my brother weeks after you lost yours. My brother was 31 and it was sudden. Our family has supported each other but upon the one year mark I started to feel a way I haven't as much previously. I initially wanted to talk with someone about the one year mark but wanted to speak with someone other than my husband, and someone that was left to be an only child. I realized all of the other people I knew had not lost a sibling or was not left to be the only one. I can't explain why this was different, but this thought made me feel the loneliest I have felt since he died. Weird considering I already realized I was the only one left on entire side of my family (our parents are divorced and our father died just 4 years before). I have felt an emptiness since my brother was taken. I decided to look online and saw this post. I felt bad wanting to find someone that was in a similar situation since that would mean they are experiencing the same misery. I'm sorry for your loss, but thank you for posting this and helping me in a lonely time.

 

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