Judgment on length of relationship

[Nicash]

Well, it's 2:57am and I can't sleep as usual. As I said in my very first post, nights are dreadful for me.
Anyway...ever since Jake has passed, I have been finding people to be judgmental just because we had not been together very long at all- we were best friends for four months and were only together a little over a month. When you discuss losing your partner with someone, often they will ask "how long were you together?" as if once you give your answer, they judge whether your level of grief is acceptable or not. I think this is utter nonsense. I loved and cherished Jake more than anyone I had ever dated, and our love was deeper and more meaningful than what I had in my previous two year and three year relationships...I think time is irrelevant. I am sick of being judged. I am in so much pain I cannot stand it. I feel so alone and isolated. It has been almost twelve weeks and I feel so very sad, anxious, depressed, and lonely. I think people have unrealistic expectations for me and I can't bear it anymore. I lost my biggest support and my only inspiration and motivation in my life. I grieve the moments we never shared together and all of the plans we had together. I have never been more in sync with a person in my life. I miss him so much. I want to be able to express myself and be understood. I only felt understood by Jake. He was a once in a lifetime type of person. Honestly, I feel like as the weeks go by I get more sad and feel more hopeless...when will I begin to feel even a little bit better? My mind has been going to seriously dark places these past two weeks. I just want to be with him, and I cannot wait until the day I die when I get to see his beautiful face again. 
How do I handle this judgment and my feelings of isolation? 

[Ka9219]

HI Nicole, same here, nights are the worst part of the day for me, here it's 1:22 am and I feeling sad, hopeless, etc, etc, but not sleepy, it seems it is going to be a looong night for me.

How to handle judgment? Ignoring it, today is a painful day for me because I met Mario on July 23th, 2016, one year ago, our story began and end up in less than a year, so people tend to say: "it was too short, you will move on soon....", I just agreed and walked away, because I know people, I know you know people who have been in a relationship for years -even married- and they DON'T love each other, they don't even respect each other, and people judge only by the time, not the quality.

People will find the way to judge you: because you grief too much or not enough, because the relationship was too long or too short, because you take your relationship privately or you posted everything on social networks. And you need that in your mind, if you know you love him and he loved you back in the same way, that's all you need to know.

Love is not measured by time, but by moments, respect, experiences, joy, laughs, intimacy, hugs, kisses... 

My biggest dream was "my wedding day", seeing Mario's face, his smile, dressed up, I can still see it on my mind, and only person who knew about this was Mario -and now you- he knew me better than anyone and I knew him better than his brothers and his friends, we trust each other, and that's love, find out the person who can open you like a book, read you, see you and not judge you, that's true love. True love is not about time 

[KayC]

Nicole,

I get those knowing looks by people who spent a lifetime together...we were only married 3 years 8 months, only knew each other 6 1/2 years.  Please don't let people discount what you had, it's quality of relationship that counts, not quantity of time that defines it.  I'm sure the adjustment has to be hard for people who spent 50 years together, they don't know how to do life independently, but it doesn't mean you miss him any less.  That's why comparisons are never appropriate.  To each person grieving, their loss is the greatest!  

[Nicash]

16 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

HI Nicole, same here, nights are the worst part of the day for me, here it's 1:22 am and I feeling sad, hopeless, etc, etc, but not sleepy, it seems it is going to be a looong night for me.

How to handle judgment? Ignoring it, today is a painful day for me because I met Mario on July 23th, 2016, one year ago, our story began and end up in less than a year, so people tend to say: "it was too short, you will move on soon....", I just agreed and walked away, because I know people, I know you know people who have been in a relationship for years -even married- and they DON'T love each other, they don't even respect each other, and people judge only by the time, not the quality.

People will find the way to judge you: because you grief too much or not enough, because the relationship was too long or too short, because you take your relationship privately or you posted everything on social networks. And you need that in your mind, if you know you love him and he loved you back in the same way, that's all you need to know.

Love is not measured by time, but by moments, respect, experiences, joy, laughs, intimacy, hugs, kisses... 

My biggest dream was "my wedding day", seeing Mario's face, his smile, dressed up, I can still see it on my mind, and only person who knew about this was Mario -and now you- he knew me better than anyone and I knew him better than his brothers and his friends, we trust each other, and that's love, find out the person who can open you like a book, read you, see you and not judge you, that's true love. True love is not about time 

I didn't end up falling asleep until 5:30am...very common for me. I'm sorry you struggle to fall asleep as well. 
I'm sorry it was a painful day for you. You are right..love is measured by moments and the moments we shared I was able to be blessed with were the greatest moments of my life. 
Your dream about your wedding day brought tears to my eyes, because I know the thought all too well. Jake and I talked about our future, we spoke about getting eloped one day and he always said I would be the most beautiful bride and he would be so blessed to have me as his wife.
I also know the feeling you expressed of Mario knowing you best, that is how Jake was...he always took care of me, knew what to say, knew what to do to make me smile and make me feel happier than anything else in this world. I was so very happy. I try my best not to be angry, but it is difficult. Especially when people try to invalidate my grief because we had not been together for years. 
I get so tearful and angry when I think of all the things we never experienced together. 

 

[Nicash]

10 hours ago, KayC said:

Nicole,

I get those knowing looks by people who spent a lifetime together...we were only married 3 years 8 months, only knew each other 6 1/2 years.  Please don't let people discount what you had, it's quality of relationship that counts, not quantity of time that defines it.  I'm sure the adjustment has to be hard for people who spent 50 years together, they don't know how to do life independently, but it doesn't mean you miss him any less.  That's why comparisons are never appropriate.  To each person grieving, their loss is the greatest!  

I agree, each person's loss is unique and their loss is the greatest. No one else can know how another person feels, especially as there are so many influencing factors in the way that someone grieves. Thank you for your reassurance. 

[GhostofLight]

Hi Nicole,

I'm sorry for what you've been through, what you're going through.  I know exactly what you mean by a "once in a lifetime type of person."  Ignore the ignorant ones.  They'll never understand anything.

[Francine]

Nicole

KayC stated it exactly when she said,

7 hours ago, KayC said:

Please don't let people discount what you had, it's quality of relationship that counts, not quantity of time that defines it.

When it comes to sleepless nights, I'm so right there with you.  I can't tell you when I've had a full night sleep.  I'll doze off around 9:30 or 10:00 PM only to wake up around 1:30 and can't go back to sleep.  My Charles had many restless nights as well and I'm wonder if now that he is gone, I've inherited his sleeplessness.  It never ceases to amaze me how we judge one another.  No one has the right to judge you, because no one really knows what you have been through.  They may have heard stories, but they don't feel what you feel in your heart.  So let them judge you, misunderstand you, perhaps gossip about you; they can't handle half of what you've been through and as far and as I know, you haven't let anyone borrow your shoes to walk in.  Don't let anyone get you angry over the things they say; they can only pull the trigger if you hand them the gun. There a reason you operate the way you do and a reason you are who you are - don't change you.  Only you knew how much you loved Jake and what you shared together and that's really all that count.   If your love was only for a day, it was real and truth.

 

19 hours ago, nicoleashley94 said:

 Honestly, I feel like as the weeks go by I get more sad and feel more hopeless...when will I begin to feel even a little bit better? My mind has been going to seriously dark places these past two weeks. I just want to be with him, and I cannot wait until the day I die when I get to see his beautiful face again. 
How do I handle this judgment and my feelings of isolation? 

I know the feeling of hopelessness; but you do whatever you can to get through it; you force yourself to get up; you force yourself to put one foot before the other and you refuse to let it get to you.  You fight; cry, swear but you turn that hopelessness into Hope.  Not by pretending that your pain and troubles don't exist, but the hope they won't last forever.  That someday all the hurt will be healed and your difficulties overcome.  I want you to have hope and know that despite all the darkness, there is light.   My prayer is that you know that God is able to bring hope into your life even when everything seems hopeless.

I know the dark place you made reference to, I've visited it on more than one occasion.  Sometimes when you're in that dark place you think you've been buried alive, but in actuality, you've been planted. You may be in that dark place today and that's OK because you don't have to stay there. Everyday is a battle; some days you'll demolish everything in your path; other days, you'll hold on till dear life.  Remember, either way, you're a warrior - never forget that.  You're a strong young women and life has knocked you down a few times.  It has shown you things you never wanted to see.  You have experienced sadness, hurt, pain and failures; but one thing for sure, you always get up.

Know you are in my prayers - Hugs to you.

[SweetBear]

It was your love and your relationship with him. There is not another person on this earth that can ever know what the two of you had. Don't let them take from what you both had. Ever. 

I'm sorry for your loss and that you have to deal with the naysayers. 

How many romantic and loving stories start at---love at first sight? Some of them end up 80 years...and some don't. But you had one, you still do. Cherish it. 

[Ka9219]

8 hours ago, nicoleashley94 said:

I didn't end up falling asleep until 5:30am...very common for me. I'm sorry you struggle to fall asleep as well. 
I'm sorry it was a painful day for you. You are right..love is measured by moments and the moments we shared I was able to be blessed with were the greatest moments of my life. 
Your dream about your wedding day brought tears to my eyes, because I know the thought all too well. Jake and I talked about our future, we spoke about getting eloped one day and he always said I would be the most beautiful bride and he would be so blessed to have me as his wife.
I also know the feeling you expressed of Mario knowing you best, that is how Jake was...he always took care of me, knew what to say, knew what to do to make me smile and make me feel happier than anything else in this world. I was so very happy. I try my best not to be angry, but it is difficult. Especially when people try to invalidate my grief because we had not been together for years. 
I get so tearful and angry when I think of all the things we never experienced together. 

 

Sometimes I've found myself thinking that I understand Mario had to go "early" but why so soon? Maybe god or whatever thing who took him away could wait, maybe 2 or 3 years, giving us the opportunity to get married, to travel out of the country, live together, I don't know... Is it to ask too much? Just the opportunity to share just a little bit more? I have no life now, as Jake, Mario was always trying to make me feel happy, trying to make me smile, doing every moment we had perfect just by hugging me or telling me romantic things. 

Maybe Jake and Mario are hanging out together, watching over us and speaking, drinking some beer and playing some videogames meanwhile they wait for you and me to die, and maybe when we arrive we will be dress up as brides and they will be on a super hot suit, looking more handsome than ever, and we will our dreams come true "in there".

Dreaming is free, is it? I know is a childlike thought....

People will ALWAYS try to invalidate your grief, 'cause they don't know, they don't understand. Here, we all know how big is your grieve, you love him, more than anyone else in the world, what other people say, it doesn't matter...

[Eagle-96]

Nicole,

As I have discovered in grief, you will find two types of people. Those that will support you no matter what and those that will judge no matter what. Those in the first group will be there for you whether you were with with Jake for one day or ten years. They will sit with you and be with you through thick and thin. They have your back and will grieve with you for however long you need them to. The latter group cares more about how your grief affects them than what you are feeling. They expect you to just turn off your feelings and get on with your life in their timeframe. They don't want your grief to remind them of what their pain would be like if they lost their loved one. It is the very essence of selfishness and your feelings are secondary to them. Hopefully this tragic and sad event in your life will help you to parse out who your real friends are. It's just sad that it takes such a painful event to separate the wheat from the chaff.

[KayC]

9 hours ago, Francine said:

If your love was only for a day, it was real and truth.

 

9 hours ago, Francine said:

You have experienced sadness, hurt, pain and failures; but one thing for sure, you always get up.

So true!  A very well thought out and apt response to both.

What Eagle said too...
 

44 minutes ago, Eagle-96 said:

As I have discovered in grief, you will find two types of people. Those that will support you no matter what and those that will judge no matter what.

 

[Nicash]

I'm sorry Everyone.. I just don't have the energy in me to reply to each of you individually. Just know I read each of your replies and I appreciate each and every one of you. You guys often bring tears of comfort to my eyes. Thank you. 

[Francine]

1 hour ago, nicoleashley94 said:

I'm sorry Everyone.. I just don't have the energy in me to reply to each of you individually. Just know I read each of your replies and I appreciate each and every one of you. You guys often bring tears of comfort to my eyes. Thank you. 

That's what we're here for; to uplift one another in these difficult times.  Stay Strong girl!

[KayC]

We know how much emotional energy it takes, don't feel you have to respond to each of us, we just want to be here for you, we know the pain all too well.  (((hugs)))

[KMB]

Nicole, There are many of us on this site daily, it has become our life line in this oftentimes, indifferent world. We will be here for you and for each other. Grieving is so very exhausting, unending. Take care of yourself the best you can. (HUGS)

[Eagle-96]

6 minutes ago, KMB said:

Nicole, There are many of us on this site daily, it has become our life line in this oftentimes, indifferent world. We will be here for you and for each other. Grieving is so very exhausting, unending. Take care of yourself the best you can. (HUGS)

This site is indeed the lifeline I so desperately need. We have gone down with the Titanic and this site is the piece of wreckage that we all cling to. The life vest that keeps us afloat. It provides a respite in the tossing and turning ocean we now reside.

[KMB]

So very well said, Eagle.