Lost my boyfriend

[KylieL]

Hi everyone,

My boyfriend passed away 4 weeks ago. I’m 21 and he’s 28. We knew each other for 2 years and started dating a year ago. It’s a long-distance relationship, we live in different countries. We didn’t manage to meet each other for about a year because we were both busy at college and work. We both knew that we were gonna spend the rest of our life with each other. We tried so hard to maintain our relationship, we talked on skype every night no matter how busy we were. We had so many plans for the following years and we believed that we would finally live together.

That day was the last day of my college. I was going to meet him two days after. We talked on skype about 2-3 hrs the night before. We were so excited about the trip. And on the next day, it just happened. I texted him in the morning but I didn’t get any reply from him. In the evening, I received a message from his best friend saying he passed away due to pulmonary embolism. It happened so fast. It felt so unreal. I didn’t even manage to see him for the last time, or hear his last words. His family soon held the funeral that night and I didn’t manage to go to the funeral. All I can do is to wait for the 49^th day so I can visit his grave. (He is Japanese so I have to follow their culture.) It’s like he just, disappeared.

People keep saying hes gone but I still can’t believe it. Sometimes I listen to the skype call record and think he is still here. His friends are all in Japan and they get through the lost together, while I live in another country being alone. People say to me: you’re so young, you’re gonna find new love. But I’m so afraid. Whenever I felt sad or lonely, he always said “don’t worry, I’m here.” I was never told what I should do if hes not here. When I think about the following 30 years, 40 years, 50 years without him, I don’t know how to make it. I’m supposed to find a job because I’m gonna graduate from college soon, but I don’t feel like doing anything. I spend every day missing him, loving him. I don’t know what to do now.

Thank you for reading. English is not my native language I hope it didn’t bother anyone reading this.

[Eagle-96]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Sudden death is so traumatic. I am glad you found us as we understand some of what you are going through. Please continue to post when you are up to it and we will be here for you. I pray for your peace and comfort as you continue this painful journey. 

[Francine]

I am sorry and sometimes words are so inadequate when you lose someone that you loved so much; believe me,  I know.  It's strange how things happen in life; you want something and you wait and wait with great anticipation.  And then it is snatch right from you and gone - forever; and all you want to do is curl back up in that moment before  it happened.  For the short period of time you had together and it seemed he had become part of you; only to discover when he was taken from this world, he took a part of you with him and from there on out, you will never be the same person as before.

4 hours ago, KylieL said:

People keep saying hes gone but I still can’t believe it.   But I’m so afraid. Whenever I felt sad or lonely, he always said “don’t worry, I’m here.” I was never told what I should do if hes not here. When I think about the following 30 years, 40 years, 50 years without him, I don’t know how to make it. . I spend every day missing him, loving him. I don’t know what to do now.

Right now, you're sad, frighten, disappointed, confused and lost - and that is to be expected. Perhaps you might think you're on the brink of giving up on.  You say you don't know what to do, none of us did.  We took one day at a time; don't think about the future; it will take care of itself.  You will make it; it will not be easy, but you will continue; not only for yourself, but for him.  So you see, he's never gone - you carry him with you, as you should.   When you are weak, know there's still strength in you.  Yes, he maybe gone in body, but not his spirit.  My faith tells me his spirit is right beside you saying, *don’t worry, I’m here*, and he is.  The human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it.  The struggle you are experiencing today is developing into the strength you will need for tomorrow. 

My prayer is for God to give you the hope and strength to get through this horrific period in your life; Hope that things will get better for you, and the strength to hold out until it does. Continue to post, we are always here for you.

[KayC]

Kylie,

My heart breaks for you.  To come so close to being with him...it defies words.  I am so sorry.  That you both made so much effort to the relationship says a lot about it.  We don't expect this, it's a huge shock.

In the beginning I didn't want to live, I didn't see how I could go on without him, he was my life, my everything!  But I'm glad I stuck it out.  It's been 12 years now and I've worked very hard at my grief...it took me probably three years to process my grief, many years more to create some what of a life I could live, longer yet to find purpose.  Now I'm working on making friends, it's slow go at my age, people already have their friends.  But I keep pressing on, what else can we do.  

Your English is great, no worries there.

You've found a good place to be, with people who get it, that understand.  I hope you'll continue coming here, it helps to read and post, we're all in this together.

[GreenL]

Sending so much love at such a devasting time x

[KMB]

Kylie, I am deeply sorry. Words fail me right now reading your post. Both of you so young, planning on meeting and planning a life together. Life can be so unfair and cruel. I lost my husband to sudden cardiac arrest. I understand your pain, shock, disbelief and confusion. this forum has become my life line. The people here are wonderfully compassionate and have listening ears with encouraging words. Please, continue to come here and we will be here for you. Prayers for comfort and peace going to you.

[Ka9219]

Kylie I am so sorry about your loss. It is really heartbreaking to see what you had been going through, life is unfair and we can't do much to change it, my boyfriend died almost 2 months ago of a sudden death so I might understand your pain (he was only 26 years old, I am 25 years old). If you still can go to Japan, go and share time with his family and friends and stay in touch with them, support is key while going into the process of grieving.

For those people who are telling you "you will find another love", don't listen to them, is not the time to think about that, I am sure you loved your boyfriend deeply, and I am strongly sure you will love him forever, just walk away from that, when Mario died a lot of people came closer to say exactly the same: "he was just a boyfriend...", "you are young you will find another man", "you will move on..." and it was so painful, carrying all the pain of the loss and people saying that kind of things, because he was not "just a boyfriend", and we don't "move on" we learn how to live with it, how to handle the pain, but he will be always in your heart and thoughts.

Don't think about time, that only bring up anxiety, live today and take one day at a time, and yes future looks such a lonely, dark place, we don't need that in our hearts, keep yourself living today, don't think about tomorrow.

We are here for you

[KylieL]

Thank you for all the kind words. I tear up when I read the replies. I don't post but I come here everyday, reading posts. Sorry I couldn't reply individually, I don't know what to say except thank you, and sorry for your loss. All of you are working hard at grief. I am glad I found a place that I can share my feelings and finally there are people who understand how losing your love feels like. 

Friday will be the 49th day. I planned to go to Japan, but it seems impossible because I lost contact from his friend and family. His parents passed away years ago and his sister is the only one left. His sister had a car accident in Jan. She's now in rehabilitation centre, and will stay there until she can walk again. "Funnily enough", he planned to visit me in Jan and the accident happened just 2 days before we met, and the trip was canceled. I'm an atheist, but after all these happened, sometimes it feels like God doesn't want us to be together. Things that i thought only happen in movies happened to me. 

His best friend, the one who messaged me and knew him for more than 20 years, said he wanted to live in another place and started working in the US. I haven't heard from him since he went to the US. I guess that's the way he grieves. 

So, I am "disconnected" from his best friend and family, and it actually quite hurts, but I understand that everyone grieves in different ways. Besides I met another friend of him on twitter by chance. Knowing someone who knows him makes me feel a bit better.

My boyfriend's last words to me is "find a new boyfriend and be happy". In the first few weeks, I tried to be positive and wanted to live my life to the fullest because I don't want to disappoint him. But now I just hope I can die earlier. I won't commit suicide, I don't have courage and I have a feeling that I will "lose him" again if I do that. I started staying up late at night. I couldn't sleep, mostly because I don't think I need to anymore and the anxiety doesn't allow me to sleep. I honestly don't want to live to the age of 30s. Living a long life is meaningless to me now as I can't imagine being with someone, or having a child with someone that's not him. Everytime I go outside I just stare at the ground and keep walking. It's hard to see couples on the streets or people who are just simply living, without thinking "that should be us" or "that should be him". I started to find jobs, and think about working in Japan. I played video games with my friends, watch movies, read ... just something that distracts me from the pain, though I feel more alone after because I used to do these things with him. I'm not sure if I'm getting better. The pain is still as strong as one month ago but I kinda get used to live with it. 

I started to write diaries, or letters to him. I tell him what happened and what I did everyday. It actually helps. Sometimes I worry about him, is he safe? or is he lonely? Most of the time I care about myself that I forgot he might be the loneliest one. People said that I should love myself, worry about myself, not the one that's gone. Worrying about him sounds insane, but loving him is the happiest thing I've ever done in my life and death didn't stop me from loving him. Perhaps that's why I'm still here. It's weird to have such "positive" mind but my dream is to die earlier so I can meet him. 

Thank you for the replies again. It means a lot. 

[KayC]

I'm glad you came back here, and that you've read some of the posts.

I write to George too, that's how we began our relationship (he'd responded to a letter to the editor I'd written) so here we are again, full circle.  I've heard it said that we're comprised of energy and that energy doesn't die, it just changes form, my faith, my hope, is that we'll be together again, we found each other once, we will again.  

Nothing wrong with being concerned about him, so long as it doesn't recuse you from also looking out for yourself.   Of COURSE you care about him, how could you not!

I'm sorry you feel disconnected from his family and friends.  My husband's disappeared after he died.  Weird.  We were everything to each other, he would be very disappointed in them.

[KMB]

KylieL, Good to see you are still with us. I am also relieved you have been reading posts. I hope we are helping you with our stories, guidance, encouragement. It doesn't matter if you do not respond, the main matter is just coming here to feel supported and understood.

I am truly sorry you might not be going to Japan.  It must feel so hurtful, confusing, that your beloved's family, friends, have not kept in contact for various reasons. I get that. Maybe you could make the trip anyway, with a friend of yours or even by yourself? If you know the location of his resting place, just being there and talking to him will bring you comfort.

The pain is always going to be there, but it does lessen in intensity. I didn't believe that myself, in the beginning. but it does. Even though it is so hard, we do learn to cope, adjust to carrying the pain, sadness, loneliness, with us. I write letters to my husband too. It gives me a calmness, a sense of closeness that I am still able to communicate with him in some fashion. It is said that in the afterlife, they can see us and hear us. So, I like to think that my husband is at least hearing or seeing my thoughts that I write down.

I would imagine your boyfriend is OK in the afterlife. It is a place of love and peace. He is most likely reunited with his parents, other family members and friends that crossed over before him.

I know that this is a tough, lonely, different path we are on now, Kylie. Keep coming here and reading posts, join in when you feel the need. We listen and understand.

[Ka9219]

Hi KylieL, I am sorry about all the unfortunate events that have been happening, I can't imagine the stress of "losing contact". As KMB said you still can go to Japan, alone or with a friend, as you feel better. Say good bye, go to places you had planned. I am not a atheist, but I've been looking for some sort of "faith", something more accurate to my thoughts, and I've been struggling wondering where is Mario, what I know for sure is that souls are reals, I can't stand the idea that we are bones and flesh walking on earth without no sense, and souls are the true meaning of life, as souls, we learn and love, we create and remain. We are in a Universe where half of the events don't have any explanation because it is out of our human understanding, maybe souls do understand, but our human nature make us "blind" or incapable to understand certain things.

I think the strongest prove souls are real is love, can you explain love? I think love is out of understanding, and words, we can be romantic and say pretty things, but love itself is beyond words, beyond everything we know and understand. Maybe this is a "weird" reference, but have you see the movie "Interstellar" when Anne Hathawey talks about love almost at the end of the movie? She said she can't explain herself but love, after all they'd been through, is the only things that remains and is beyond every dimension, time and space are not limits for love, so I think only souls, are capable to feel such a wonderful thing.

Also you can read about Buddhism they appeal a lot about intellect and science, so for those of us who are a little skeptics, it could help.

I believe Mario is in peace, he was a good man, kind, generous, sweet man, he doesn't deserve any less than being in peace, filled with joy and hope.

I'm also thinking to start a diary, to write everything down, to the sweetest memory to the most awful and painful thought, it might help us.