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Lost my wife


Azipod

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This is my first post here and I'm hoping I can find support here.

I lost my wife 17-days ago.  She passed suddenly.  We are both 39, and had been married for just shy of 6-years.

I don't really know how I am feeling.  For the most part (about 80% of the time), I feel I am able to manage myself.  However, during other times, I am crying uncontrollably.  I miss my wife terribly and I cannot understand why she had to leave so soon.  My support system consists of family on both sides, who are nearby.   Although I find some comfort in spending time with them, I still find myself completely lost when I am at home alone (we don't have children).

This is the 1st death I've ever had in my family. I understand the grieving process is exactly that, a process.  I understand that it will never get easier, and we just learn how to cope.   The new adjustment has been really difficult for me.  Perhaps I am still in shock.

I don't know much else to say at the moment.  I miss my wife and I wish I could be with her again.

 

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I am sorry for the loss of your wife but I am glad you were able to find this forum. We are here to help you in any way we can. You are blessed that you have family to help even though they can never fill the void of losing your wife. The loneliness is a hard part of this new reality especially when you go home to an empty house. I am 3 and 1/2 months in and that is still very hard for me. You may feel a host of additional emotions like, fear, anger, sadness, regret, etc... These are normal and natural feelings that may present themselves one at a time or all at once. They may be with you for a few seconds to a few hours and there seems to be no rhyme or reason as to when and how long these feelings last day to day. I try ride them out like a wave coming into the beach. Keep coming here and posting whenever you want to talk, cry, vent, or just to read some of the other experiences on the forum.

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I'm so sorry for your loss and understand how you feel.  You are in shock, disbelief, confused, numb, frighten, lost and perhaps angry.  Know that these emotions are all normal.  It's good you are aware of the grieving process; I wasn't and had to lean, still am learning, as I go through it.  Having a good support system nearby who you can turn to when needed is a plus, but know that your grief is a *walk alone* journey.  Others will be there with comforting words for you to listen to, but know that you will walk alone, down your own path, with your raw wounds, your denial, anger, and bitter loss. You will eventually come to your own peace, but it will be on your own terms, in your own time.  As human beings, we are conditioned to focused on reaching some point in our journey, some new happiness, some reachable goal or perhaps a new adjustment, that we seem to forget that the journey is where our life happens and ends.

Of course you miss your wife; you're supposed to, you loved her and shared your life with her; she was the other half of you.  I too loved (and still do) my husband, Charles.  That man meant (and still does) the world to me.  I was allowed to share my life with the man of my dreams, a man designed specifically for me and put in my life for 45 beautiful years.  Blessed, I was, and still am.  I thank God for my blessings and I've learned to count by blessings, not my problems.  I am a strong believer in faith and God and believe that while my Charles' body was put to rest on this earth, his spirit is not of this earth and has gone home to  the spiritual Kingdom of our Heavenly Father.  My Charles is free from pain, suffering; he is experiencing the *joys* of heaven; how can I not rejoice his joy?  The pain comes to us who are left behind as we remember the memories of the past, all the love we shared with our loved one who was called home.  And often there is angry and frustration over wanting more time on earth with them. God know what we are going though; even  HE wept over the loss of a loved one; what makes us think our pain is any differently. 

So miss your wife; mourn her and know that because God loaned her to you, for that short period of time, you are a better person for it.  Continue to post, we are all here for one another and will get through this together; not today, nor tomorrow, perhaps not in the following weeks, months or year; but one day soon.   Believe it and receive it.  I pray that God Bless and keep you safe and give you the strength you need at this time.

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Azipod I am so sorry about your loss, when I lost my boyfriend almost 8 weeks ago was my first familiar death as well, and it could the third or fourth because it will be always hard, loosing your love one is losing yourself in the process as well. Family support is the best kind of support, they love you so even if the don't understand what you are going through they will be there for you, even when you are moody, they will get closer just to let you know they are there for you. Cry as much as you need, scream, break a glass, do what you need to do and what feels good for you.

You will see that sometimes you need to be surrounded by people and  the second after you will have the need to completely alone, and thats ok, will be good days, bad days and worst days, so appreciate them all because even the worst ones because it helps to take out all the anger and tears and the good ones you can do something to honor your wife like going to her favorite restaurant or whatever you need to do.

As you say, pain will always remains, but it is easier to say it, every day is a struggle, and nothing good will come out of this so just take one day at a time. 

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Azipod,  I hope you find comfort and support here. We listen,understand and empathize with the many feelings and thoughts of grieving. I am deeply sorry for your loss. Even though I lost my husband suddenly almost a year ago, I still remember like yesterday where you are. I was in shock, disbelief, for a long time. I still grapple with the disbelief. How could my husband be here one minute and gone the next?That is probably how you think of it with your wife. The mind has a tough time absorbing the truth and shock.

You will always miss your wife, just as you will always wish to be with her. There will be no getting away from those thoughts. It is a slow, roller coaster journey of learning to coexist with the pain of missing our beloveds.

I hope you keep coming here to read posts and express your own feelings when you need to. Nothing is off limits here when it comes to pain. There is no judging or criticizing. Pain of loss is well recognized by us all. The best advice is to take one day at a time and to take care of yourself and your own needs.

 

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Azipod,

I am so sorry.  I know that the moment my husband died, my life changed forever, the world as I knew it was never the same again.  It stole an innocence, my existence was no longer carefree and happy.  I miss my other half, my world.

You are right, we learn to adjust, get better at coping, can hone those skills, but at the end of the day, they're still gone.  One thing that has helped me is my belief that we'll be together again.

Like KMB said, I still remember being where you are, now 18 days out.  Yeah, probably still in shock.  I felt anxious, desperate, I needed someone to talk to and there was no one. Our friends disappeared, family didn't understand because they hadn't been through it.  12 years later that's still the case.

I didn't see how I could do it, how I could live without him.  I didn't see how the sun could still rise and set and life, people, chatter would continue.  Yet it has.  It's like the rest of the world doesn't realize that my world was so severely altered that day.  I felt it had ended.  It hasn't ended, just everything wonderful about it (him) did.  I've worked hard, very hard, at positivity, and that has helped, on focusing on what is rather than what isn't, taking one day at a time, going on, building a life for myself, finding purpose.  Nothing replaces him, nothing fills that void, but I've learned to do my life, that's a feat in itself.

I want to share an article I wrote, we each find our own way through this.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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All:

Thank you so much for the support and inspiring posts.  I read each of what you said very carefully and I can clearly tell that all you guys know how I am feeling at the moment.  You shared a lot of thoughts and feelings that hit close to heart.   I'm sorry that I don't have any more to say at the moment, but that's really because I don't have much energy to type -- but thank you again for writing very lengthy posts to help me through this.

The two most difficult things I am experiencing are 1) Going home to an empty house (we don't have any kids)    2) Thinking about the memories I had with my wife and miss not being able to physically be with her today.

The funeral was on Friday.  I went back to work on Monday.  Everyone at work is very supportive.   Most had asked why I returned to work so early.  But honestly, going back to work and actually working is the easiest of all.   It's going home to an empty house that is the most difficult.

We're both 39.  I never thought that I would lose my wife -- at least not at this stage of our life.

:: Crying ::     =*(

 

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Azipod, Coming home to an empty house is still difficult for me. I pull into our drive and see the other vehicle we used and I think, * hubby is home, I have so much to tell him*. Then it hits me, no, he isn't here and never will be again. Same thing with coming into the house. This grieving is a devastating circle with no way out. 

It helps to have everyone supportive towards you at work. Some people do find that returning to work is a comforting, normal part of their life that still exists and yet others feel the opposite. None of us expected we would lose our significant others so soon. We have our life mapped out in our mind that we'll grow old together well into the late years and it didn't happen. We are coping with the worst that life can dish out. Take care of yourself and do it one day at a time.  (HUGS)

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We all need different thing during the time of grieve, so maybe you need to go back to work as quickly as you can to keep your mind busy, I needed to stay at home so here I am, what is important is what feels good for you.

None of us thought we had yo say good bye so soon, Mario was only 26, but I think all of us think there will be always "so soon" because we don't want to lose our love one. We are strongly attached to the physical presence so it is the harder part of all of this, I want to be hugged by Mario, kiss him, feel him, and he is gone and it breaks me down, it is painful.

Accept all the love and support, we need it, so take it and appreciate it, it's a blessing.

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Azipod, I am so sorry for the loss of your wife. I am sure that the funeral services took their toll on you. If going back to work feels right for you, then that is all that matters. If it feels too soon, take some more time off. Whatever your decision is..it is okay. You need to do what is best for you in this moment. I know right now it is difficult to muster up the energy to care enough to take care of yourself; I have been there (it has been 11 weeks now since Jake has passed) and I still find days where I just cant bear to do much more other than simply get out of bed in the mornings. Do not be critical of yourself. Know that this journey called grief is filled with a huge array of emotions and each and every emotion you experience is normal, and each of us have our own unique set we experience. 

I understand somewhat the part of you wanting to come home to your wife and be with her, though I did not live with my boyfriend. There are times I find myself wanting to pick up the phone and call Jake or text him. There are times I get notifications on my phone and still a part of me gets hopeful that it is him. It is very painful and it is like a rush of pain all over again. It is overwhelming. Not much will ease this, other than time. 

Know that you are not alone, despite how isolated and lonely you may feel in this moment. Hang on, because on day it will get easier. It might not be as soon as you would wish (we can't cheat grief, sadly) but it will eventually come. You have to take the good with the bad. 

Hang in there. Reach out when you need to. You are loved. Take care of yourself. 

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15 hours ago, Azipod said:

The two most difficult things I am experiencing are 1) Going home to an empty house (we don't have any kids)    2) Thinking about the memories I had with my wife and miss not being able to physically be with her today.

I'm glad you've made it through the funeral and that your work environment is so supportive, that is very helpful.  My brain was in the "grief fog" and it was difficult to think and do my job (perfection was a requirement as everything was to mil-spec) so I asked my boss to check my work for a while, he was great about it, people at work were understanding and supportive so I was fortunate, like you, in that respect.

Going home was hard.  The break in our normal routine...he'd call me on his breaks and that was now noticeably absent.  He used to show up at my office Friday evenings with a drippy ice cream cone, and I'd wonder what I was supposed to do with it while I was busy wrapping up the day, I'd send him to the post office with the mail so I could finish "closing".  How I missed that when Friday nights rolled around!  Going home to an empty house.  Weekends were the hardest, that was "our time", I didn't know how to fill it, how to survive it.  Now I'm retired and living alone...this isn't what I'd envisioned for my life.  I miss him more than mere words could ever express.  But I've learned to do this as best as I can, we all do, the "unthinkable".  Getting there is hard.  One day at a time, I still remind myself that.

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