sudden death boyfriend

[Silva85]

Hi everyone, 

Only 4 weeks ago I lost my boyfriend due to a cardiac arrest... I found him laying on the ground. I feel guilty cause he wasent feeling good that morning, but I thought that if he would sleep he would feel good again. I left to go shopping at the supermarket but because i couldent find everything i wanted there i went to another store as well ,I was away for like 1,5 hour and then I found him. Ik keep thinking, why did I go that morning to 2 supermarkets and why didnt I return earlier and could have saved him.... Its really hard to cope with.

He was only 32 years old....  We didnt live together cause of long distance, but we saw each other very much, it was a 5 hours drive. I will return to his house in one week, I havent been there since the funeral. I think its good for me to spend some time alone in his house and grieve and see his stuff. Anyone else any advice about spending time alone in the house of a deceased loved one when you didnt live together? The family of him also lives nearby so I can visit them, but sleeping in his house alone for several nights can maybe be difficult, On the other hand I think its good for the grieving proces to see his house again and to really feel it..

[Ka9219]

Silva I am so sorry about your loss, same as you I lost my boyfriend of a sudden death about 7 weeks ago, he had an accident with his car and he went to the hospital, but 4 days later he was diagnosed with brain death, and he was also young -only 26 years old-. I might understand the pain and all you are going through. We all wonder "why", or "if". I didn't lived with Mario neither, my country is little so I just had to drive about 15 min and I was at his home. Mario had the accident on Monday, the weekend before the accident he asked me twice to stay with him until Monday and I told him that I'll rather go home Sunday and see each other again on Thursday, and well... I didn't happen... And I wonder if I stayed with him he will be still with me. I don't know and I rather think that I could not do anything, that it was "his moment", and I still think that I least we could share one more day next to each other and I just said no, because I was worry about the future and not about the moment.

I think we all need different things while grieving, maybe some couldn't stand the idea of sleeping in his house. But if you need it and you feel it will be good for you, do it, don't hesitate, you will cry take it for granted and the sorrow might be overwhelming, but it also will help you to remember all the good things, cry as much as you need, and do what feels right for you. Stay in touch with his family, for me it has been really good, we need that feeling that we are not the only one grieving that person, and get close to his mother, she is the one who is suffering the most, the love of a mother is out of understanding, she felt him in her belly, she watched born and she raised him, saw him grow old, so imagine the pain she is carrying now -at least that is what I think about my mother in law, and she have been supporting with me because mothers know who love their kids-. Stay in touch, it will help we need a lot love and support. And again I'm really sorry, remember all the good things, the greater the love the harder the grieve.

[Eagle-96]

Second guessing is such a hard thing to deal with. I lost Lori to a heart attack at the age of 46. We took her to an urgent care/ER earlier in the week and also the night before. I will always second guess myself. Did I perform CPR the right way. Should I have sought a second opinion. Should I have gone to a hospital ER the night before instead of a stand-alone ER when she complained of chest pains. There are so many thoughts that race through my head as to why and how I failed Lori. My head tells me one thing but my broken heart tells me another. I will live with the second guessing til the day I die and join her.

Being in the house for the first time alone was difficult for me. Everywhere I looked I saw and heard her. EVERYTHING was(and still is) a reminder of her. BUT, it was also good therapy for me to be there as I also felt a closeness to her I couldn't feel anywhere else but at our home. Try to ease yourself into it by having someone with you if you can. I know it helped me to have friends and family with me at first. 

[Francine]

On 7/17/2017 at 0:33 AM, Silva85 said:

Hi everyone, 

why didn't I return earlier and could have saved him.... Its really hard to cope with.

I will return to his house in one week, I havent been there since the funeral. I think its good for me to spend some time alone in his house and grieve and see his stuff. Anyone else any advice about spending time alone in the house of a deceased loved one when you didnt live together? The family of him also lives nearby so I can visit them, but sleeping in his house alone for several nights can maybe be difficult, On the other hand I think its good for the grieving proces to see his house again and to really feel it..

I am truly sorry for your loss.  My husband also died from cardiac arrest; I was with him when he took his last breath and I too died that day.  They didn't bury me, but I died none-the-less - inside.  The only difference is when my Charles made this transition, he was relieved form all his pain sufferings (I thank God for that); he transitioned to a place were peace is the norm, eternal and who couldn't ask for anything better.  When I passed on, my death (inside) started and still continues.  My pain and suffering without him feels eternal; and my peace is now war.  I love and pray for my children because one of the hardest things they may have to do is grieve the loss of a person who is still alive - namely me.

You're right - it is hard to cope; but know you don't have to do it alone and you're not alone.  Reach out to his family; after all, you shared something in common - the love for someone near and dear to you.  We don't understand why things happen to our loved one, especially someone so young, and sometimes  we're not suppose to know.  I think there's a time for everything under the heavens and when it is our time, God takes us.  So don't blame yourself thinking you perhaps could have saved him; when something doesn't go as expected; sometimes the plans we have mapped out for ourselves and our lives just doesn't work out. 

It took me sometime to go back to the home my Charles and I shared; but now I'm here 100%.  It's our home, and together we made it to where we wanted it; I could never leave, nor do I want to. Don't get me wrong, Its hard at times and I still have my meltdowns, but this I expect. It may be good for you to visit his home, but when you're ready.  Take a deep breath, regroup and figure out your next move because will get you down, but that doesn't mean you stay there. 

Your world right now may seem dark, gloomy and stormy, but the most beautiful rainbow and sunshine comes after the worst storm.  I pray and know that God will keep you safe and give you the strength and peace you need to get through this horrific ordeal.  I hope you continue to post.  We are all here weathering this awful journey together, but we will get through it; not today nor tomorrow; perhaps not even next week, month or year, but we will get through it, with the help and love of God and one another.

[KayC]

None of us can know what another should do under all circumstances because grief hits us in different ways even with similar circumstances.  I'm sorry for your loss, and I hope that spending some time in his home will bring you some comfort, but if it feels unbearable, I hope you can stay elsewhere so it won't feel overwhelming.  Does he have a sister or someone who could be with you in case it's too hard being alone there?  It's so hard to predict how we're going to feel until we're in it.

I came home to our house after he died, my daughter was with me, she slept with me, but I only slept an hour.  It's the hardest thing in the world to get used to.

[Silva85]

Thank you all very much for your replies!! it really helps I dont feel alone anymore. I am so very sorry for all of you who also lost their partner. 

On 17-7-2017 at 10:10 AM, Ka9219 said:

Silva I am so sorry about your loss, same as you I lost my boyfriend of a sudden death about 7 weeks ago, he had an accident with his car and he went to the hospital, but 4 days later he was diagnosed with brain death, and he was also young -only 26 years old-. I might understand the pain and all you are going through. We all wonder "why", or "if". I didn't lived with Mario neither, my country is little so I just had to drive about 15 min and I was at his home. Mario had the accident on Monday, the weekend before the accident he asked me twice to stay with him until Monday and I told him that I'll rather go home Sunday and see each other again on Thursday, and well... I didn't happen... And I wonder if I stayed with him he will be still with me. I don't know and I rather think that I could not do anything, that it was "his moment", and I still think that I least we could share one more day next to each other and I just said no, because I was worry about the future and not about the moment.

I think we all need different things while grieving, maybe some couldn't stand the idea of sleeping in his house. But if you need it and you feel it will be good for you, do it, don't hesitate, you will cry take it for granted and the sorrow might be overwhelming, but it also will help you to remember all the good things, cry as much as you need, and do what feels right for you. Stay in touch with his family, for me it has been really good, we need that feeling that we are not the only one grieving that person, and get close to his mother, she is the one who is suffering the most, the love of a mother is out of understanding, she felt him in her belly, she watched born and she raised him, saw him grow old, so imagine the pain she is carrying now -at least that is what I think about my mother in law, and she have been supporting with me because mothers know who love their kids-. Stay in touch, it will help we need a lot love and support. And again I'm really sorry, remember all the good things, the greater the love the harder the grieve.

Thanks for your reply, I am also very sorry for you losing your boyfriend at such a young age.... It must have been very shocking to hear the news that he had an accident..

I understand" the what if you stayed until monday cause he asked you twice"  You can think about the monday he asked you to stay, but that will only keep you focused on that one day....... cherish all the moments you had with him and know that you did everything you could. We never know whats gonna happen the next day, thats part of live and we can not prevent things from happening. It was his time for some reason just as it was my boyfriends time. I know i will struggle with this 'what if' question or 'why didnt I ' but i think by time it will heal and I remember all the good things.

 I will go to his house but the family told me because its a month ago the rent will stop in about two weeks so they already took al lot of furniture out of the house... . Now I have some things that I want to pick up but I think I will only stay several days cause seeing the house so empthy will only make me more sad and its not the same as before anymore.

 

[Ka9219]

5 hours ago, Silva85 said:

Thank you all very much for your replies!! it really helps I dont feel alone anymore. I am so very sorry for all of you who also lost their partner. 

Thanks for your reply, I am also very sorry for you losing your boyfriend at such a young age.... It must have been very shocking to hear the news that he had an accident..

I understand" the what if you stayed until monday cause he asked you twice"  You can think about the monday he asked you to stay, but that will only keep you focused on that one day....... cherish all the moments you had with him and know that you did everything you could. We never know whats gonna happen the next day, thats part of live and we can not prevent things from happening. It was his time for some reason just as it was my boyfriends time. I know i will struggle with this 'what if' question or 'why didnt I ' but i think by time it will heal and I remember all the good things.

 I will go to his house but the family told me because its a month ago the rent will stop in about two weeks so they already took al lot of furniture out of the house... . Now I have some things that I want to pick up but I think I will only stay several days cause seeing the house so empthy will only make me more sad and its not the same as before anymore.

 

We had to move all Mario's stuff out of the house 4 days after he died because the rent was already over, was shocking for me, We spent there so much time and memories and it is hard to go through that process, his bed and clothes is what causes the biggest impact. At least the first day try not to go all alone.

In grieving nothing is easy, days might  be harder as time goes by, and the remaining questions are: "why he?" "why now?", but is "normal", i think, I don't know

We will be here for you, keep posting, please let us know how your days are going 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Silva85 said:

I understand" the what if you stayed until monday cause he asked you twice"  You can think about the monday he asked you to stay, but that will only keep you focused on that one day....... cherish all the moments you had with him and know that you did everything you could. We never know whats gonna happen the next day, thats part of live and we can not prevent things from happening. It was his time for some reason just as it was my boyfriends time.

Very good points!

[Nicash]

On 7/17/2017 at 1:33 AM, Silva85 said:

Hi everyone, 

Only 4 weeks ago I lost my boyfriend due to a cardiac arrest... I found him laying on the ground. I feel guilty cause he wasent feeling good that morning, but I thought that if he would sleep he would feel good again. I left to go shopping at the supermarket but because i couldent find everything i wanted there i went to another store as well ,I was away for like 1,5 hour and then I found him. Ik keep thinking, why did I go that morning to 2 supermarkets and why didnt I return earlier and could have saved him.... Its really hard to cope with.

He was only 32 years old....  We didnt live together cause of long distance, but we saw each other very much, it was a 5 hours drive. I will return to his house in one week, I havent been there since the funeral. I think its good for me to spend some time alone in his house and grieve and see his stuff. Anyone else any advice about spending time alone in the house of a deceased loved one when you didnt live together? The family of him also lives nearby so I can visit them, but sleeping in his house alone for several nights can maybe be difficult, On the other hand I think its good for the grieving proces to see his house again and to really feel it..

Silva, I am so sorry for the loss of your boyfriend, and that you had to find him. I am so sorry you feel guilt. I can relate to all of these...I lost my boyfriend Jake, 22, to a drug overdose. I had absolutely zero idea that Jake had relapsed (he had six months clean), and his death came as a huge shock to each and every one of us. I had gone on Vacation to Vermont to sort through some personal things I had been struggling with, and did not want to even go and leave Jake behind, but I did. I knew when he and I would talk on the phone during my trip, something was off with him..but he told me he was sick with a stomach virus and I believed him, but deep down I knew something was off with him. I was offered another night free by the vacation rental owners and I accepted the extra night.
I get so angry at myself sometimes that I did not leave my trip early or refuse that extra night's stay. I should have left and been with Jake. I returned home on a Saturday and Jake and I did not have plans to see each other, due to me having a 7 hour drive home I knew I would be tired. I get home Saturday, and he told me he was in the hospital and he said he passed out at work and his boss had sent him to the ER, but he was not being clear as what was going on. We argued a lot. I ask myself all the time why didn't I just drive down and see him? I was selfish. But I know that in that very moment, I had planned on seeing him the very next day, and I had planned to have many, many more days together with him. I could have never changed what happened. I need to accept that. There are a million would have's, could have's, and should have's, But we must remember we are not always in control of things. This is never easy to accept. We as humans love having control.
I feel that it is okay to think about the list of things that we could have done differently, but don't torture yourself believing that you could have saved his life. I think to myself, sure I could have possibly saved Jake if i intervened differently, and he could have lived for hours, days, or weeks, but I know deep down he would have relapsed again and he would be led down the same fatal path regardless. We don't get to control when other people pass, sadly. 
As far as staying in his house alone, no one can tell you what is right or wrong for you..only you hold the answers. Trial and error never hurts. See what feels right and what feels wrong and always take care of yourself, though it is difficult to sometimes. 
Best wishes to you as you go through the ups and downs of this journey.