GhostofLight

I Used To Love Dogs

25 posts in this topic

I had a dream.  A dog came to visit me.

Not just any dog.  A dog I owned with my late husband.

He was so happy to see me.  Tail wagging.  Eyes welcoming.

I sent him away.  Yelled at him, "Get out!"

 

He was confused, but did as he was told.

The symbolism is pretty clear... I was sending away God.  The worst part is, I truly meant it.

 

But, yeah, it's weird.  Ever since that dream I don't really like dogs anymore.  Grief changes you.

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god now seems like a selfish and despot being, in my pain I think is "normal". We prayed, and begged "Him" to save our loved one, I always wonder: Mario was so loved, I love him with every piece of me, all I wanted in my life was making him happy, he had a lovely family and he never harmed no one, why he? there are a thousand people out there, killing, raping, and they are still here, why?

What I see is that there is not in between, you go away or you get so close with god. Last time I talked to "Him", I told him: I dont who you are or what do you want or if you are real, if you are real and you are listening to me, you are selfish, and the first time you gave something worth fighting for you took him away, dont come at me saying there is something "better" or "I'm strong enough to carry this", cauze I'm not strong and I didnt want "better" all I wanted was a life with Mario.

For me dreams are door to other dimensions, we understand things through dreams. Grief changes us, because we died with our love one, but we are forced to stay here all alone, so is like start again, live in death.  

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11 hours ago, GhostofLight said:

the symbolism is pretty clear... I was sending away God.  The worst part is, I truly meant it.     But, yeah, it's weird.  Ever since that dream I don't really like dogs anymore.  Grief changes you.

 

Perhaps you were sending God away and meant it, but the good thing is I know I have a forgiving and Loving God and HE knows my grief and pain; after all, scripture tells us Jesus wept (John 11:35) but HE never complained.   God didn't promise HE would take away our pain and discomfort, HE said HE would be right there with us when it happens.  Grief does change us; the pain sculpts us into understanding more deeply; hurt more often; appreciate more quickly; cry more easily; hope more desperately; and love more openly.

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11 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

god now seems like a selfish and despot being, in my pain I think is "normal". We prayed, and begged "Him" to save our loved one, I always wonder: Mario was so loved, I love him with every piece of me, all I wanted in my life was making him happy, he had a lovely family and he never harmed no one, why he? there are a thousand people out there, killing, raping, and they are still here, why?

What I see is that there is not in between, you go away or you get so close with god. Last time I talked to "Him", I told him: I dont who you are or what do you want or if you are real, if you are real and you are listening to me, you are selfish, and the first time you gave something worth fighting for you took him away, dont come at me saying there is something "better" or "I'm strong enough to carry this", cauze I'm not strong and I didnt want "better" all I wanted was a life with Mario.

For me dreams are door to other dimensions, we understand things through dreams. Grief changes us, because we died with our love one, but we are forced to stay here ll alone, so is like start again, live in death.  

I thought like you and was very angry with God for taking a really good man in my Charles.  A good husband, a fantastic father, a remarkable grandfather; good friend, brother etc etc etc.  I didn't want to hear all those things that people would say, you know, phrases like  *God loves you* or *God has something better in stored* for you  - yeah right, *yadda*, *yadda*, *yadda*.  I questioned how could a God who loved me so much and wanted me to be happy, allow this to happen - and literally make me the most saddest person alive.  At a group counseling session this past Saturday, I had an opportunity to meet with one of the coordinators and she shed some light on my situation.   She told me that my Charles was not *mine*, he was merely on lone from God.  God allowed him to be with me for 45 years and that was longer than a lot have had.  She told me that God wanted him back and took him; not to hurt me, but because his task was complete.  Our Creator loves us and has a plan for each of us to complete. All people have a purpose, no matter how insignificant our human minds might think it is. We are to love our God above all things, more than ourselves, our spouse, sons, daughters, or anyone else. We must trust HIM in all things, including the time each of us is given here on earth. Only our Heavenly Father knows what HE has planned for us to do in this world, and the proper time to call us home. 

For us Christians, we know the reality of Heaven. The Kingdom of God is so glorious it is beyond our human imagination. In Heaven we are all covered by our God’s love and peace, we can triumphantly worship our Heavenly Father.  And there is no more sin, no more pain or suffering. We will be in the companionship of all of our brothers and sisters who have been called home, as we await loved ones who will soon be joining us in Paradise. There is no greater place to live than in Heaven - thank God!!!

The last thing we should remember is we are to love others as Christ loved us. Though the pain of missing those who Jesus has called home might seem unbearable, Christian love dictates we should want what is best for our loved ones, our spouses, children, friends, and all people. And the greatest place for anyone to be, regardless of their age, regardless of their status in life, is in Heaven with our Lord. Knowing that someday when our work is completed on earth, through the grace of Jesus Christ, we to will join all our loved ones in Heaven.  

I pray that God brings you though this pain and that you find peace - You are in my prayers.

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I also felt anger towards God for a while, but at about a year I realized He had been with me throughout everything.  I don't think God "took" my husband, I think a heart attack did.  Maybe George contributed by not eating perfect before he met me, maybe he contributed by the stress he'd endured, but I can't blame him, I'm no different, none of us are perfect.  Some of it is just the genes we inherit.  Some of it seems to be an out of kilter world we live in.  

I don't think anything could make me hate dogs, my dog is the joy in my life now, but I understand we all grieve differently.  I'm sorry you're going through such a horrid place.

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I think we're all at different points in this journey.  And, as KayC accurately observed, we all grieve differently.

At this moment what I feel is more aligned with Ka9219's sentiments.

This whole experience definitely represents a "rupture" of some kind... as opposed to a rapture.  I see now how evil God really is, so it's unlikely I'll be able to go back to the old ways.  You can't go home again.

I know my personal life is over, which is a great shame.  I also know that, as much as I would like to, I can't commit suicide because I need to be here for my family.  So I'm basically in purgatory.  Killing time until I can be reunited with the one I loved - assuming that's even a possibility.  I'm not sure at this point.

Music is good.  I'm learning the piano.  Hobbies are a decent distraction.  There's really nothing to look forward to.

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36 minutes ago, GhostofLight said:

I think we're all at different points in this journey.

I agree, we all are at different places in our journey, but we are doing the journey together with the commonality of loss. I see you are heading in a good direction with learning the piano and staying involved with hobbies. We have to find ways to fill the empty void that our loved one filled. I know it isn't easy, but we need to keep trying, one day at a time.

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It's very good that you're able to partake in music and hobbies, a lot of people lose interest in everything, which is tough on top of how they're already feeling.  Serving time seems to be how many of us feel, no matter how many years go by.

I looked for answers in the beginning to my WHY???  but never found any.  I don't think it works like that, yep, rapists and murderers still around, and the best people in the world taken, doesn't make sense, I guess that's why I figured there's no rhyme or reason to it...

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2 hours ago, KayC said:

...yep, rapists and murderers still around, and the best people in the world taken, doesn't make sense, I guess that's why I figured there's no rhyme or reason to it...

Well, yes.  That's the rub, isn't it?  I still believe in God, but I think God is basically evil.  Malevolent.  Cruel.  Sadistic.  Not that different from what you're saying, but I suspect there is a rhyme and reason - the suffering in this world is exactly what God wants.

I took part in a (IRL) grief support group recently.  One of the people there was saying something to the effect of... the old person they used to be just didn't work in this new reality.  You can survive, but you become another person.  That's where I'm at.  I wake up every day and I don't really recognize myself... but I'm not who I once was.  The fact that I no longer like dogs is just a small example.  It's like walking into your garage and finding that your car has been replaced.  It's still "your" car, but you have to learn a completely different approach.  How do I activate the windshield wipers?  What side is the gas on?  How does the radio work?

So it's kind of like, I'm mourning the loss of my partner(s) - but I'm also mourning the loss of me - if that makes any sense.  When someone important to you dies, a part of your soul dies, too.

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When I do finally meet God... I will choke him to death with my own hands.  How dare he do this to me.  To us.  The bastard.  He should be afraid of me.

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I dont know about the symbolism part but I could care less about dogs now.  People say get a dog to help with grief but why?  To transfer my yearning and longing to an animal that cannot begin to reciprocate what my wife could have?  I never really was crazy about dogs to begin with but I certainly dont care about them any longer.  I dont want to see them get hurt obviously or die but as far as having a relationship with an animal I could care less.

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1 minute ago, bradley1985 said:

I dont know about the symbolism part but I could care less about dogs now.  People say get a dog to help with grief but why?  To transfer my yearning and longing to an animal that cannot begin to reciprocate what my wife could have?  I never really was crazy about dogs to begin with but I certainly dont care about them any longer.  I dont want to see them get hurt obviously or die but as far as having a relationship with an animal I could care less.

I feel the same way.  They're nothing to me.  Just useless.  An artifact of a past life.  Complete waste of time.

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GhostofLight, I feel your anger, in all this process we need to blame someone, Mario died because he was in a hurry and didn't take care of himself and the tragedy happened, I can't blame him, not me, not his parents, but I can blame god... It is ironic because people come around to say things like: "god wanted Mario because he is a good person", or "god didn't take away Mario from you, because Mario belong to god, he is not yours..." and I wonder how people can not see how selfish and egocentric is god, he takes away what "he likes" and doesn't care about us...

Everyday the anger grows stronger and I might understand what you are feeling, and it sucks

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3 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

GhostofLight, I feel your anger, in all this process we need to blame someone, Mario died because he was in a hurry and didn't take care of himself and the tragedy happened, I can't blame him, not me, not his parents, but I can blame god... It is ironic because people come around to say things like: "god wanted Mario because he is a good person", or "god didn't take away Mario from you, because Mario belong to god, he is not yours..." and I wonder how people can not see how selfish and egocentric is god, he takes away what "he likes" and doesn't care about us...

Everyday the anger grows stronger and I might understand what you are feeling, and it sucks

 

Thank you.

It's like that lyric from Bittersweet Symphony... "I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me."

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20 hours ago, GhostofLight said:

 I still believe in God, but I think God is basically evil.  Malevolent.  Cruel.  Sadistic.  Not that different from what you're saying, but I suspect there is a rhyme and reason - the suffering in this world is exactly what God wants.

I guess that's where our beliefs differ.  I don't think God has death all mapped out and He's just messing with us.  I see it as stuff happens, no rhyme or reason.  I don't think He takes any satisfaction from our suffering, I think He cares and is there for us through it.  I can understand your perspective though, from where you're sitting at the moment, it just plain feels cruel, doesn't it.  (((hugs)))

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9 hours ago, KayC said:

I guess that's where our beliefs differ.  I don't think God has death all mapped out and He's just messing with us.  I see it as stuff happens, no rhyme or reason.  I don't think He takes any satisfaction from our suffering, I think He cares and is there for us through it.  I can understand your perspective though, from where you're sitting at the moment, it just plain feels cruel, doesn't it.  (((hugs)))

Thank you for the hugs.

I think I'm going to have to avoid drinking for a while...  it just makes me sad.

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On 7/16/2017 at 10:05 PM, GhostofLight said:

Not just any dog.  A dog I owned with my late husband.

He was so happy to see me.  Tail wagging.  Eyes welcoming.

I am sorry you are enduring pain, anger, sadness. This life is crap without our spouses Maybe you can look at your dog dream from a different angle. Maybe your dog showed up in the dream as a way of visiting and consoling you in only the way that dogs do. I'm sure the dog is with your husband in spirit. A different perspective maybe would be of more comfort to you.    (HUGS)

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On 7/23/2017 at 11:27 AM, GhostofLight said:

Well, yes.  That's the rub, isn't it?  I still believe in God, but I think God is basically evil.  Malevolent.  Cruel.  Sadistic.  Not that different from what you're saying, but I suspect there is a rhyme and reason - the suffering in this world is exactly what God wants.

That is the rub.  I too still believe in god but feel the way you do.  I saw it with my own eyes.  He executed my family (albeit two out of three were pets) one after another during 2016 and kicked the year off on January 1 with my cat dying.  Not only that but anything I start to care about or take in interest in he seems to mess with it.  If there is a "good" god I dont see it.  He certainly showed me how powerful he is.  I clearly got the picture.  He can kill everything you care about and ruin your business over something that is incomprehensable to someone he is not "after".   Its like you order the last item in inventory of something you really want on Amazon and the Fedex truck back door swings open and one package falls out and is forever lost.  Or you have a sore on your hand and pray for the sore to be removed and he answers the prayer with removing your entire hand.   Thats the kind of god I see now.  He is a joke.

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55 minutes ago, bradley1985 said:

That is the rub.  I too still believe in god but feel the way you do.  I saw it with my own eyes.  He executed my family (albeit two out of three were pets) one after another during 2016 and kicked the year off on January 1 with my cat dying.  Not only that but anything I start to care about or take in interest in he seems to mess with it.  If there is a "good" god I dont see it.  He certainly showed me how powerful he is.  I clearly got the picture.  He can kill everything you care about and ruin your business over something that is incomprehensable to someone he is not "after".   Its like you order the last item in inventory of something you really want on Amazon and the Fedex truck back door swings open and one package falls out and is forever lost.  Or you have a sore on your hand and pray for the sore to be removed and he answers the prayer with removing your entire hand.   Thats the kind of god I see now.  He is a joke.

 

I hear you, brother.  I feel exactly the same way.  (Hugs.)

But I also feel sort of crummy about some of the things I said previously... not that I didn't mean them, but I'm also conscious of how my mood can affect other people.  Venting is good, but I don't want to push other people deeper into despair.  Especially not here.

I am not my thoughts.  I am the space between my thoughts.

Tonight I played the piano. A lot.  My fingers hurt.

Can't quite figure out the intro to "Changes."  It's in C, obviously, but there are some weird chords in there.  David was like that.

What can I lose myself in?  What can you lose yourself in?

"See the dwarves and see the giants.  Which one would you choose to be?"

 

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17 minutes ago, GhostofLight said:

I hear you, brother.  I feel exactly the same way.  (Hugs.)

But I also feel sort of crummy about some of the things I said previously... not that I didn't mean them, but I'm also conscious of how my mood can affect other people.  Venting is good, but I don't want to push other people deeper into despair.  Especially not here.

I wouldnt feel bad. For what?  I saw your comment and saw someone that I could relate with and it helped.  Made me feel like I was not the only one.  Your comment helped me.  Thanks.

Mania seems to be part of the deal.  I have better periods such as this morning and yesterday afternoon but I can still go just as low as I always have.  Thats the where I am at.  Yesterday morning I could have pulled the trigger but by the afternoon I thought maybe everything just might work out ok and I could have some kind of life (rare but thats where I am for the moment).  I dont have any sagely advice except to honestly share.  Thats all I got.

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6 minutes ago, bradley1985 said:

I wouldnt feel bad. For what?  I saw your comment and saw someone that I could relate with and it helped.  Made me feel like I was not the only one.  Your comment helped me.  Thanks.

You're very welcome.

Yes, God is an asshole... but he's not as clever as he likes to think.  By helping one another, we outsmart him.

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3 hours ago, bradley1985 said:

Yesterday morning I could have pulled the trigger but by the afternoon I thought maybe everything just might work out ok and I could have some kind of life (rare but thats where I am for the moment).  I dont have any sagely advice except to honestly share.  Thats all I got.

These days I've been thinking about this "suicidal thoughts" how do you guys handle this? I mean, from an objective perspective living is worth by itself, but giving our situation what is holding us here? We have not faith or we are doubting about faith and god, we have no partner to share our life with, I can say that I feel somehow "forsaken" by Mario. Sometimes I think I have no choice, and living day by day just waiting for my end, is it a worthy life?

And I wonder, out there is people -couples- who doesn't love each other, so why this "merciful god" will take apart a couple who DO love each other, respect each other, and let the one with no love and respect stay together? Have you wonder those kinds of things?

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3 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

These days I've been thinking about this "suicidal thoughts" how do you guys handle this? I mean, from an objective perspective living is worth by itself, but giving our situation what is holding us here? We have not faith or we are doubting about faith and god, we have no partner to share our life with, I can say that I feel somehow "forsaken" by Mario. Sometimes I think I have no choice, and living day by day just waiting for my end, is it a worthy life?

And I wonder, out there is people -couples- who doesn't love each other, so why this "merciful god" will take apart a couple who DO love each other, respect each other, and let the one with no love and respect stay together? Have you wonder those kinds of things?

Yes.  I think about this stuff constantly.

I suspect that, if you're thinking about something, you're basically looking for answers.  It's like working on a crossword puzzle or a Rubik's cube.  If you can just line up the right squares or figure out that missing word it will all fall into place... and then you'll have the answers you've always wanted.  You'll know why your love is gone.  You can't necessarily bring them back, but you'll have an explanation.

And, of course, throughout history there have been enormously clever individuals who have worked at the puzzle, and even claimed to have solve it.

BUT there's no way to actually prove anything has been solved.  We can theorize, but that's about it.

The important thing to remember is... this stuff can drive you mad.  Literally mad.

I've been meditating a lot and trying to find ways to... stop working on the puzzle.  It's difficult because, to a certain extent, it's giving up control.  It's an admission that I can't possibly solve the riddle, so I'm not going to torture myself with attempts to do so.  It certainly takes practice.  I'm getting better at it.  It's like that old saying, "you have to be comfortable with being uncomfortable."  Something like that.

 

 

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31 minutes ago, GhostofLight said:

"you have to be comfortable with being uncomfortable."

Meditation is a helpful tool.  Our mind is a powerful thing, it can help us or sink us.  I didn't learn meditation until quite a ways in, just hadn't thought about it, but the other site I go to has a lot of meditations.  

Note, if someone is new to it, start with short ones, under ten minutes.  It's like anything, takes practice.

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12 hours ago, GhostofLight said:

Yes.  I think about this stuff constantly.

I suspect that, if you're thinking about something, you're basically looking for answers.  It's like working on a crossword puzzle or a Rubik's cube.  If you can just line up the right squares or figure out that missing word it will all fall into place... and then you'll have the answers you've always wanted.  You'll know why your love is gone.  You can't necessarily bring them back, but you'll have an explanation.

And, of course, throughout history there have been enormously clever individuals who have worked at the puzzle, and even claimed to have solve it.

BUT there's no way to actually prove anything has been solved.  We can theorize, but that's about it.

The important thing to remember is... this stuff can drive you mad.  Literally mad.

I've been meditating a lot and trying to find ways to... stop working on the puzzle.  It's difficult because, to a certain extent, it's giving up control.  It's an admission that I can't possibly solve the riddle, so I'm not going to torture myself with attempts to do so.  It certainly takes practice.  I'm getting better at it.  It's like that old saying, "you have to be comfortable with being uncomfortable."  Something like that.

 

 

When Mario died, I knew that I wont found any answer, his death was a tragedy, and so many things went bad so I just understood that "was his moment", what is driving me crazy is that I can't found anything, ANYTHING, to bring me peace, I have not will to live, I feel so empty, I could achieve some "life goals" or I could end up on the streets and it doesn't matter because I don't care about living, since he was gone I have felt sadness and anger -a lot of anger- but at this point I feel nothing. When I cry my tears just fall down but I am not thinking, just feeling this hole in my existence, Is like if I had to die with him but universe went wrong and forgot the take me and then here I am, dead in life.

I liked to be in control of my life but since Mario died I didn't care anymore, I could blame me for so many things, but he left and and I didn't blame myself, I didn't thought about "what if" I am not me anymore, I am nothing.

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