blg1995

Going to his "graduation"

12 posts in this topic

This is a bit of a tough one, I'm not a very confident person right now and a bit emotionally fragile so I'm not sure how to handle this situation. 

I posted about Sam a month ago, shortly after his funeral. 

Since then I have regularly been going to his grave to see him. Occasionally I will bump into his parents or brother which is a big help for me, as I didn't know any of Sam's friends and no one in my life really knew Sam, so I feel very lonely and as if I have to deal with this alone, whereas his friends all have each other, as do his family (I do have people around me that are TRYING to help but they aren't suffering the same loss so it doesn't feel all that helpful). They've been really lovely and helpful to me so far and tell me if I need anything, just to ask them. 

 

His mother told me that on the day of the graduation at the university we attended, they were planning to present Sam with a certificate for the work that he had done, although they'd be on holiday until the night before so they'd have to drive down in the morning. When she first told me about this, it was a while away so I thought they'd invite me if they thought I should go and left it. Now that the graduation is next week, I feel a bit more strongly about it and feel like I have to go. I worked really hard to help Sam with his university work (I did the same course but 2 years ahead), I would go down to his house and spend weekends with him trying to get things finished, I would call him immediately as I got home from work to help him through it, I even did a couple of his assignments for him when he really, really needed me to. I wanted him to do well and I never wanted to see him struggle with his work. So any form of graduation that he has, is very, very important to me. 

I messaged his brother to see if it was still happening and if I could perhaps meet them afterwards (I wouldn't have a ticket so I wouldn't be able to go in and watch- now would be too late to get a ticket anyway). I also said that I would be there for the 10.30 graduation anyway so I would be in the area (so they wouldn't have to worry about getting me down there as well, since they'll be coming from the holiday). 

So far I haven't had a response. I asked on Tuesday evening and now is Saturday morning. The graduation is getting closer (on Wednesday) and if I WAS able to find a spare ticket from somewhere I would need to ask sooner rather than later. I'm just a bit confused by the lack of response. He has seen the message, and been online several times since... But no word from him. He's usually really good at responding to me, and has said before if I need anything, just to ask. I really need this.

I understand if they've decided not to accept the certificate at the graduation, or if they don't want me to come, or maybe if they're unable to stick around afterwards. Even if he had to discuss it with the other family members, he could have said that too. Something else might have happened so they might be busy, I get that. But just any message to acknowledge what I'd asked... 

What makes this whole situation worse is the amount of courage it took me to send it in the first place. Ever since Sam died, my confidence has just been completely wiped away. I'm usually so good at asking for what I want, prompting them for a response would never bother me at all and I'd know exactly how to handle it. After I'd sent the message I spent the whole next day feeling anxious about the response, scared that he'd say no. 

I'm thinking about texting his mother but I know she's on holiday and don't want to bother her, but I really need a response at some point soon. I could send another message to the brother but I might not get a response again. And I don't really know what to say at this point. This whole thing is driving me absolutely insane and I feel like a bit of a wreck right now and I KNOW everything I'm feeling about this is so irrational but I really don't know what to do right now. 

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Whether they respond or not, I hope you do go.  It's not always easy to predict or understand family response or lack of it.  I hope you do what you need to do for YOU regardless of their reaction.   I didn't get response or support or contact from George's family after he died.  We do what we need to do for us, with or without them.  Good luck to you, and congrats on his recognition!

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I'll call them, when Mario died I told my brothers in law that I needed them, I can't do this on my own, as you said, family is supporting but we need that contact with the people who loss the same person. So just grab the phone and call his mother, she will be in deep pain, but so are you, so don't be afraid of telling them that you need their support and you need an answer.

If I were you I'll be losing my mind as well, it is not irrational. 

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20 hours ago, KayC said:

Whether they respond or not, I hope you do go.  It's not always easy to predict or understand family response or lack of it.  I hope you do what you need to do for YOU regardless of their reaction.   I didn't get response or support or contact from George's family after he died.  We do what we need to do for us, with or without them.  Good luck to you, and congrats on his recognition!

Thank you for your reply. I'm really sorry to hear that you didn't get any support and I hope you're doing okay. I think I've been so worried about making sure they liked me and not doing anything to annoy or offend them, I've completely forgotten that I just need to do what's best for me. I need to just do what I need to do. Even if they don't respond or say no, I'll still be going up. I won't be able to see the graduation as I won't have a ticket to enter the venue but I can at least be around and waiting with others outside. I just wanted to be able to celebrate it with them. :(

4 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

I'll call them, when Mario died I told my brothers in law that I needed them, I can't do this on my own, as you said, family is supporting but we need that contact with the people who loss the same person. So just grab the phone and call his mother, she will be in deep pain, but so are you, so don't be afraid of telling them that you need their support and you need an answer.

If I were you I'll be losing my mind as well, it is not irrational. 

I can't call as they're abroad right now, at least that's the last I heard but their plans could have changed. I texted his mother just asking if the graduation was still on. Hopefully I'll get a response from her. 

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It seems so wrong that you not be able to attend, you were the most important person in his world.  Have you contacted the university and told them of the situation?  Maybe they could give you a ticket, you should be their honorary guest!

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blg1995, I hope the day goes well for you. Even if you cannot be at the graduation itself, just being there outside of the venue will bring you comfort. Sam will be there in spirit and he will know you are there for him. Follow your heart and do what you need to do for yourself. Sam earned the certificate with your love, support and help. If his family does not respond to you favorably, it is on them for not acknowledging you as a huge part of Sam's life and his accomplishment. That will be a shame they might regret someday.

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

It seems so wrong that you not be able to attend, you were the most important person in his world.  Have you contacted the university and told them of the situation?  Maybe they could give you a ticket, you should be their honorary guest!

I don't know if his family see it that way. I doubt the university would give me a ticket without the parents consent. I wish I could go :(

16 minutes ago, KMB said:

blg1995, I hope the day goes well for you. Even if you cannot be at the graduation itself, just being there outside of the venue will bring you comfort. Sam will be there in spirit and he will know you are there for him. Follow your heart and do what you need to do for yourself. Sam earned the certificate with your love, support and help. If his family does not respond to you favorably, it is on them for not acknowledging you as a huge part of Sam's life and his accomplishment. That will be a shame they might regret someday.

They were so supportive before, I just don't understand this sudden switch. They knew how much I helped him because he used to tell them himself and they've acknowledged that so far. But now I'm just being ignored. Hopefully the day will be nice regardless but I hate feeling like I've done something wrong and have been cut out. 

 

I did send send a text to his mother, I got a response asking who it was, since I told her and also explained how important to me I haven't had anything else... hopefully she is just busy and will get back to me soon.

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53 minutes ago, blg1995 said:

but I hate feeling like I've done something wrong and have been cut out. 

You have done nothing wrong! You love Sam. The both of you knew your relationship, and that is what matters. It is possible that his family is so overwhelmed with their grieving, that they are emotionally unable to include you. They might be holding their grieving within family only and I know how much that hurts you to not be included. There are many of us here that have ended up, having for the most part having not much or no support system. All due to life's situations or circumstances surrounding our loss. My heart aches for you and your pain in doing your grieving in not the way it should be, with love and support from both sides. I hope Sam's mom does respond to you kindly and with empathy.  (HUGS)

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11 minutes ago, KMB said:

You have done nothing wrong! You love Sam. The both of you knew your relationship, and that is what matters. It is possible that his family is so overwhelmed with their grieving, that they are emotionally unable to include you. They might be holding their grieving within family only and I know how much that hurts you to not be included. There are many of us here that have ended up, having for the most part having not much or no support system. All due to life's situations or circumstances surrounding our loss. My heart aches for you and your pain in doing your grieving in not the way it should be, with love and support from both sides. I hope Sam's mom does respond to you kindly and with empathy.  (HUGS)

It's just hurting me so much, I can't stop crying and it's driving me insane, I don't know what to do with myself, every moment that goes by without a response is just more agony. :(

Ive also had people on another forum telling me I've overstepped by asking which is making me feel worse. I need this so much and if I don't go I will never be able to live with myself. 

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blg1995, Please, do not put too much or any thought in what others tell you is right or wrong. Always listen to your heart. Personally, I do not think you overstepped in your desire to be included. You were a part of Sam's life, his family knows that fact, and I am deeply sorry that they are not reacting in a more empathetic manner towards you. People are what they are, and sometimes the pain of loss can bring out the worst in people.  Even if it means staying alone outside of the graduation venue itself, just go. Being in the area and atmosphere of the graduation will benefit you and hopefully bring you some solace in your pain. Maybe shut off your cell phone and take a walk to separate yourself from the agony of getting no response for awhile.  Is there a family member or a friend that you can talk about this with? Just having someone else listening can help in relieving your anxiety with a situation you have no control over.   (HUGS)

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blg1996 I understand how desperate are you feeling, I'll be feeling the same way, I dont understand either why are they acting like that =( 

Is there any possibility that you can take a flight and go directly to talk to them? I mean, he is your partner for almost two years, you deserve at least and answer, so maybe you can go and ask them face to face. I'll call the University as well, I'll explain them the situation maybe they could help, go through every possibility you can go, Sam is yours and he love you, and you love him, dont give up.   

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I agree, it couldn't hurt to ask the university, what does it hurt them to allow one more person in?  As for the other forum, it doesn't sound like they have much inkling of grief response, try not to take what they say to heart, they aren't getting it obviously.

I don't know why people respond like they do (or rather don't) but it is grief talking, when we're grieving we can be a mess, sounds like his family is at that place, they aren't thinking clearly.  This is not a case of they are an inner circle and you are on the outside looking in, you were his #1 and continue to be!

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