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yuyu

Visiting my wife

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Update - I've been frequently visiting my wife, its a 3 hours travel from my place but I don't mind at all. I had a realization that my life might turn up like this alone, sad and uninspired. I don't know what future I still have, I just hope that I can survive this loneliness.

At first I spend my days and weekends with my friends but now I'm starting to detach my self because I don't want them to feel sad because of my situation. Is this normal for us?

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yuyu,  Your wife's resting site is very pretty.  The long drive is so worth it just to be feel close to her, talk to her. I hope it brings you a sense of comfort.

Everything you feel and think is a part of grieving. Even the detachment from others is normal. I feel we need that space to ourselves for awhile. We do not want to be constant downers in front of others. Unless they have been through loss themselves, they will not understand the full scope of our despair, our devastation. Our loneliness. Others have an expectancy for us to return to who we were before our loss. It makes them feel better. I think fear is behind that expectancy. They do not want loss to touch their lives.

So, I completely get your detachment. I have experienced it myself and while I have been pushing myself out of my comfort zone occasionally, I also avoid certain people who will never understand. We are never going to be the same person we were before our loss. 

You will survive on your grieving journey, yuyu, even though it doesn't feel like it. The future is way down the road.  Just take care of yourself, take your time, there is no rush in this.  (HUGS)

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Detachment is completely normal and something I battle often. Like you, I don't want to be the downer. I feel like people don't want to be around me if I'm sad all the time. So I either avoid them or fake it. You might consider letting your close friends know how you feel and that is why you have separated from them lately. 

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8 hours ago, yuyu said:

I don't know what future I still have, I just hope that I can survive this loneliness.

At first I spend my days and weekends with my friends but now I'm starting to detach my self because I don't want them to feel sad because of my situation. Is this normal for us?

 

None of us do.   While we may not know what our future holds, I know who holds my future - God Almighty.   I agree with you - surviving this terrible loneliness.  My heart never knew loneliness until my Charles was taken from me; there are times I'm so lonely, I don't even know myself anymore and I feel like I'm drowning in this loneliness... and other times I feel I'm not alone because loneliness is always with me (if that makes any sense). 

Not wanting to be the reason for others feeling sad shows you have a good spirit.   But I'm learning that loneliness is dangerous and it can be addicting. Lonely people are the kindest; saddest people smile the brightest; damaged people are the wisest - all because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they do - they truly are beautiful spirits.

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It is normal, but be careful not to completely detach...you make wake up one day and find yourself completely alone and without friends and they will have moved on.  Try not to let that happen, we need our friends.  Be candid with them, explain why you're pulling back, still see them now and then.

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I've experienced detachment for the first time today.  I've been back at work for 3-weeks now.  In the past weeks, I've been completely avoiding social events at work (retirements, birthday parties, get togethers, etc.)   Today, there was a meeting that I had to go to.   And I attended without any problems.  However, afterwards I went back into my office, closed the door, and cried.  This just made me realized I have a new problem.   With practice, I'm sure I'll be fine... but its another thing for me to work on. 

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I think it is beautiful.  Go anywhere and do anything that makes you feel close to her.  I get searching yourself from others.  It is exhausting to hold back your thoughts and emotions knowing that others can't understand and can t deal with them - I think makes them uncomfortable because they don't know what to say/do, and it scares them because they don't want to imagine losing their love and being around us inevitably makes them consider that possibility.  A very good friend if mine told me the other night, and she meant no harm saying it, that she told her boyfriend "I don't want to be like Patty."  I told her know one does, including me, but that isn't a choice we get to make.  If we did, none of us would be on this site. So do what you need to feel close to your wife.  Seek solace in that closeness.  And let the love you have for eachother bring you some peace and comfort.  :wub:

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On 8/9/2017 at 6:55 PM, RWT143 said:

 A very good friend if mine told me the other night, and she meant no harm saying it, that she told her boyfriend "I don't want to be like Patty."  I told her know one does, including me, but that isn't a choice we get to make.  If we did, none of us would be on this site.

THAT is the sad new reality we live in. People see us as the tangible reminder of the ultimate pain. We remind them of their own mortality and the possible pain they could be in store for. Nobody wants to be in our shoes. And the real kicker is they have no idea of real the level of pain and anguish we go through. If they could fathom the true sadness we live in, I can only imagine what their reactions would be. BUT, maybe when they see us. Maybe it reminds them to love their spouse a little more, spend more time with their love, not take anything for granted. If someone can get some good from this then I am all for it.

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None of us wanted what came our way, but came it did!  The people that avoid us as reminders of their own mortality or tenuous hold on their lives/partners that they love are only fooling themselves...everyone's day will come.  We are not the cause, like some dreaded contagious disease, we are just the unlucky ones.  

When George died, there was a couple that were friends of ours...she told me to call anytime, I tried again and again but it was never "a good time" and she'd never call me back.  We drifted apart and lost touch.  Fast forward a few years...she died and her husband had to go through what I did.  It struck me as ironic, yet there's no rejoicing in this for anyone, loss is something we wish no one ever had to suffer.

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