Kjayne

I lost my beautiful partner and it's my fault

5 posts in this topic

Hi everyone. I hope someone will talk to me. I am hurting so much, I am distraught, feeling lost, cry all the time, or drink to lessen the pain, I feel so guilty, and I caused this situation to happen. My beautiful man is gone.  I live with a painful knot in my stomach constantly.  I can't see how my life can carry on. I don't want too be here without him..My beautiful soulmate has gone away forever.

I loved him with all of my heart more than I have ever loved before. He was the biggest joy in my life. We Just loved one another so much. We spent all of our free time together, cooking together, dancing to our beautiful music, singing together, we had so much fun together. My perfect beautiful man.  But there was one issue in our lives that bothered. I knew how much it bothered him, but I didn't do anything about it. I just felt powerless to change it. I hate myself now and fell sick to my stomach for not doing the right thing. .We had many fights over this. Just so you know, the situation I refer to involved a man, who I looked after, I paid his rent, gave him food,  he was an alcoholic and could not take care of himself, but that's another topic. I supported him.  

We argued about this a lot. But I didn't have the heart to put this man out on the street. I didn't comptehend it was affecting him so badly until the end. And now he's gone. I love him so much and I feel responsible for his death. He told me he couldn't live without me but that he couldn't take my situation anymore. I hate myself now. I don't want to live without him.  I pray for him to come back. That I will make it alright. But it is too late now. He is gone.

How do I carry on. Please someone tell me how. 

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Dear Kjayne,

I am so sorry for your devastation and pain.  You didn't say what happened?  Are you talking about suicide?  If so, I am deeply deeply sorry this has happened to you.  I can't imagine what this must feel like I really can't.  You must be so traumatised.  I don't know how you carry on.  It was not your fault though.  Of course it was not your fault.  To care for someone else who is struggling means you have an open heart.  You could not have known something like this would happen.  I am very very sorry for you. Its going to be hard for a long time and you need help to get through this.  Is there family or a friend who can be there for you?

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Hi sadandlost

Thank you so much for responding to me. I am riddlid with guilt and pain. I loved him so much. He was my soulmate and I just didn't see how badly he was being affected by my circumstances. He wrote me a beautiful letter expressing his love for me. So beautiful.   I was so blind. He loved me so much. And now he's gone. I just don't know how to live without him. I can't forgive myself. I just want him back. I'm so sad and lonely. Take care too. Let me know how you are coping too. Love Karin

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Hi Kjayne,

I am so very sorry for you.  It must be so unbearable.  I can't even imagine.  I think you will be in shock for a long time.  You don't have to try to forgive yourself now.  Its too raw and painful.  Each day is hard enough without putting more pressure on yourself and being so harsh toward yourself.  Sometimes when I feel very bad I focus on doing small things that get me through the day.  Get up, wash, dress, eat.  However bad I feel I still do those things even if I want to never get out of bed and hide away.  i get up, wash, dress, eat.  I try to have a routine and fill up the day.  You will be out of your mind with sadness and pain Karin for what will seem like forever.  Try to do small things for yourself.  It was not your fault.  I know whatever I say you will still feel the guilt.  I hope at some point the pain will lessen just a little so you can breathe again.

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Thank you so much. I feel I want to go and join my angel. Can't see any point of being here without him. He was so beautiful inside and out. And so smart, and clever, and we loved to dance and cook together. We loved music and would dance together almost every night to the old time music we loved. He was perfect for me. And now he's gone. I am old now. 54 years old.  I'll never find another love like him. How do normal people get through this. I don't know how. But thank you. It was lovely to hear from you. Hugs. 

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