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Marshacompton

I lost my soulmate today: I don't know what to do with my life

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6 hours ago, Kjayne said:

Hi my name's Karin. I also lost my soulmate 10 days ago. I don't know how to go on. Don't want to get up or get dressed or go out. I am feeling so much pain. Just want to let you know I understand your pain. Just so much pain. Strength. Hugs. Karin 

I am sorry for your loss and everything you are going through. As you likely have read here before, this is probably the hardest thing you will ever go through. But we are here for you and I hope that we can provide some guidance and hopefully some comfort.

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22 hours ago, Marshacompton said:

I could not take another person telling me they understood where I was coming from in my pain. None of them lost their lover and spouse.

And even if they had, all of our relationships are unique and thus our loss.  We can relate to each other, but to each of us, we are mourning our own unique relationship.

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Kjayne, My heart breaks for you in finding yourself becoming a member of this unwanted club of grievers. I am deeply sorry. I understand your pain, confusion, shock, disbelief, all the emotions we feel and find so hard to cope with. A living nightmare would be a way to describe this life we find ourselves in. In the beginning I couldn't function. I cried buckets of tears, paced the house looking for my husband.  I couldn't eat, dropped 25 pounds and only took a shower when I absolutely had to leave the house. I was a complete mess. If it wasn't for taking care of our cat and dog, I have no idea what would have happened to me. I am still a mess emotionally and mentally. But, I am progressing. It is a slow process and takes time and patience. My heart is always going to be broken. I miss my husband every second. But this life requires that I move forward with it. I still don't have an appetite and eat very little. I still ride the waves of grief with spells of crying and feeling like there is no point to anything. I can do chores now even though my heart isn't in it. I interact more with people even though my heart isn't into that either. I'm making an effort in getting through each day just to get another day behind me. Just a state of existence because I have no choice. I do find my greatest peace and comfort in being outside. Just doing the usual yard maintenance and being with nature has been the most helpful.

Keep coming to the forum here. It is a safe place to express your emotions and thoughts. We are here for each other. Sending prayers of comfort to you.  (HUGS)

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Karin,

I'm sorry you too are going through this.  We walk this together like a family, although we've never met in person, we know each other in a way others never will.  We're here to listen when you want to talk.

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On 7/13/2017 at 1:26 AM, Kjayne said:

Hi my name's Karin. I also lost my soulmate 10 days ago. I don't know how to go on. Don't want to get up or get dressed or go out. I am feeling so much pain. Just want to let you know I understand your pain. Just so much pain. Strength. Hugs. Karin 

Kjayne

I am so sorry for your loss. The pain can and will sometimes be so unbearable, you'll think you won't make it through.  Pain comes in all forms; the small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain we live with everyday.  Then there's the pain we just can't ignore, a pain so great that it blocks out everything else, makes the rest of your world fade away until all you can think about is how much you hurt. 

I know right now you're probably in a dark place and that is normal.  Even if you can't get out of bed and all you can do is breathe; take all the time you need.  Everyday is a battle and some days you'll demolish everything in your path; other days, you'll hold on to dear life.  Either way, you are a warrior - never forget that.  You may not ever get over the pain, but you'll get through it where the pain is not so intense and it will make you stronger.  Not today or tomorrow or even next month; but you will get through it.  Little by little; day by day, step by step.  You made it through today - that's a start.

Continue to post if you want.  We're always here if you need to talk, vent, cry, or listen.  God bless you and give you the strength and peace you need in this most difficult time. 

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On ‎7‎/‎12‎/‎2017 at 11:26 PM, Kjayne said:

Hi my name's Karin. I also lost my soulmate 10 days ago. I don't know how to go on. Don't want to get up or get dressed or go out. I am feeling so much pain. Just want to let you know I understand your pain. Just so much pain. Strength. Hugs. Karin 

Hello Karin,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I didn't respond back when you posted and wanted you to know we are in a group that understands your pain. I'm sending out hugs your way.

I went through a few days of feeling angry that life robbed me of all the plans me and Alfred had for the future. I went through moments of hating to see brides on television upset about their dresses not delivered because of a company's bankruptcy. The situation reminded me that the dress I was planning to put on deposit would never be worn by me next year when we got married. Jealousy ate at me for a few days where I hated seeing other people's happiness. An acquaintance had a baby and I couldn't bring myself to congratulate them, even though I was happy for them. 

I then went through moments of not realizing Alfred was gone. I woke up thinking he went to the store or outside for a smoke. I went through a numbing few days realizing the rest of my life is just me without him by my side. I know his heart is with me, but I'll never have him speak to me again. He will never sing to me again. I don't want to get up some mornings, but I know that sitting at home will lead to me wanting to fall into old bad habits. I came too far in my life with Alfred by my side to back slide and take walks to the park and work out. I walk and exercise myself to exhaustion and then let sleep take over for the rest of the night. 

This is the new normal for me. I lost my soulmate too, and life now is on its own. I'm taking each day one at time. 

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On 7/19/2017 at 10:04 PM, Marshacompton said:

This is the new normal for me. I lost my soulmate too, and life now is on its own. I'm taking each day one at time. 

That is all we basically can do. Take one day at a time and try to fill that daily void the best we can and try to let sleep fill the night time void.

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

Yes.  And I wish sleep would come at night.

Hello KayC,

Have you found the pain easier as time went on or does the loss of your husband still hurt the same today. I have lost both my parents and a child, and the pain is unbearable for any loss. I think of what could have been with their lives they never got to experience. I think on how my parents will never travel to Europe for their anniversary, or enjoy their retirement like other people's parents. My daughter will never go to her first dance, have her first date, go to prom, or have her own wedding day. I mourn the loss of future grandchildren. Whenever I feel sad it is me wishing they had all the milestones that most people enjoy. Now, with the death of my boyfriend, and future husband I'm experiencing a new  loss. The loss of my soulmate that includes me mourning "our future," in addition to mourning his death. My boyfriend and me were linked in a bond where I don't know where he began and where I ended. I'm learning to adjust to a new type of mourning. I don't know whether it's me being older this time suffering a loss. I was in my twenties when I lost everything, and then my boyfriend came into my life and made me feel again. 

May I ask what you did to help heal your pain.

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Marsha,

The pain has settled into a kind of sadness, I carry my grief with me, I have learned to coexist with it.  I can smile, I can enjoy life, but there will always be that missing piece, my soulmate and best friend, George.  I talk to him, I think about him continually.  12 years.  I can't say it's much different than three years out except I have worked on building my life, on finding purpose, and now am working on building friendships.  It all takes time, much of it.

Yes there are all of those secondary losses you mentioned and many more.  But I also feel such a gladness that we got to meet, that he made such a difference in my life, that I have these precious memories to carry...they do comfort me and his love encourages me.  I miss talking things over with him, I definitely could have used that last night when I was at one of my lowest points (medical issue).  

What I did to heal...here's an article I wrote, I've shared it many times but you may not have seen it:
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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