Filip

Can not go on living

8 posts in this topic

Hello.
 
 I really cannot see myself living past the age of 21, I am suicidal, but things are complicated. The love of my life and my only friend passed away unexpectedly the morning of the 5th of june. The last thing we spoke to each other was a small disagreement, ending with us going to sleep, but it was alright, we fel asleep next to eachother, an hour and a half later I woke up and found him unconscious and pale on the floor. He was 24, and just like me in every way, it might as well have been me, he was so much more talanted and smart. I wish I would have died with him, yet this existence goes on, it is torture, my life was miserable before i met him, then i got to know what it was like to be happy before we were taken from eachother. I can't go on knowing he is gone, our life together is gone and its never coming back. 

I can not see myself living in 10 or 15 years, looking back at the love of my life, he who will forever be 24 years old. The only time I feel relief is knowing my life will end too, that I can end it any time I want. The reasons I havent done it yet is to have time to preserve what my boyfriend left behind. Maybe I am too much of a coward? I am intent on dying at home. It should have been me who died, not him. I have no friends, no ambition, no things I am good at, nothing that I can give to others by living.

He was such a wonder child, everything he put his mind into he became good at, extremely talented musician, and as a child he was a national champion in all airgun tournaments. He was so well liked, cute and wonderful. Yet he dies at 24. I feel that there is no more fitting way to end it than to do it shortly after him, put our ashes by the river in his hometown. I miss him so damn much, there is NO reason for any of this, it is so cruel, I thought we could live a happy life, thought the hardships were over, it feels like there is someone who has been pushing me all my life, just being cruel enough to take everything away.

I spent some time by his body, asking him why this happened, telling him I loved him, that I always will, I kissed and hugged his dead body, he laid in a bed, looking up in the roof, not seeing me, I told him I loved him so much, he did not respond, I cried and cried, my hands against his face.

I can not go on living, I am so traumatized and broken, everyone said we were going to last forever. I believe we were meant for each other, we were so alike, I will die knowing that our time was short, I truly believe I am meant to go with him, our short lives are going to end together. Forever together at the place we first met 5 years ago. 
 
This was my first post where I explained more on what has happened; 
Everyone stands alone on the heart of the world,

pierced by a ray of sunlight,

and suddenly night falls.

 

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Filip,  I am so deeply sorry for the anguish you are feeling over your loss. I know the deep pain and heart ache , the emptiness, loneliness. Several months ago, I was feeling the same way and then some. One day, I was so bad off that I knew I needed someone to talk to. I tried calling a couple of people but they were not available. I ended up calling the suicide helpline. I didn't have the intent, but I was desperate, in need of human contact, for someone to talk to. That phone call helped me so very much. Just to get my feelings out and that another person was listening. I looked up the suicide help line number for you in Sweden.  031 711 24 00    Please, give it a try. You need someone to listen, to share your agony with.  You are not alone in this. We feel as is we are, because the pain is internalized. There are others out there who would be more than willing to give you a listening ear and provide what comfort they can. Please, give yourself a chance. You are a worthy person with compassion and empathy to give to others.

I am concerned for you and your state of mind. I do understand your pain so well. We all go through these feelings of wishing we were with our loved ones that have crossed over. Those feelings are a natural part of the grieving. The most important aspect though is NOT to follow through on those feelings.

Please, keep posting here and expressing yourself. You are among many here who know what you are going through.  Praying for you and sending virtual HUGS

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I agree with the others, I really hope you'll contact a suicide hotline.  I don't know if they have specialized grief counselors in Sweden, but if they do, I hope you'll make an appt.  Many of us FEEL suicidal in the early days, but I would hope wouldn't act on it, to do so is to take away any chance of things ever feeling better for us.  I realize you don't think that's possible, I felt that was in the beginning, because after all, George was gone, but I'm glad I didn't act on it, there are good moments I would miss if I had not given myself the chance to live through it, process my grief, and adjust to the changes it meant for my life.  

My heart goes out to you, I know that despair.  At the very least talk to your doctor, maybe you could get something that might help you.

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20 hours ago, Filip said:

He was so well liked, cute and wonderful. Yet he dies at 24. I feel that there is no more fitting way to end it than to do it shortly after him, put our ashes by the river in his hometown. I miss him so damn much, there is NO reason for any of this, it is so cruel, I thought we could live a happy life, thought the hardships were over, it feels like there is someone who has been pushing me all my life, just being cruel enough to take everything away.

I am sorry for your loss Filip. I am so familiar with "just being cruel enough to take everything away".  I think about this all the time.   Something has chased me my whole life and then I finally get someone and I thought I had a chance at life.  But then they die and it feels like the cruelest meanest joke the universe could possible play.  With so many years left and then nothing.  I am sorry.  I may not know exactly how you feel but I have an idea.  For me it feels like an invisible prankster lying killer, thats nice to your face, has followed me all my life to make my life miserable, but waited until I was finally happy to REALLY strike me down (and my family) .  He then kills all four beings (one being my wife) that depended on me, all before there time, all sequentially one after another.  I dont want to be on this earth either but I am going to hang on for one more day.  I hope you do the same.

Please try to hang in there and know you are not the only one feeling unjustly tortured.  

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Filip, yes dead is cruel, is bad, it make us feel angry and hopeless and desesperate, it is totally unfair, Mario loved more than anyone ever loves me before and more than anyone will ever do, he said I was perfect even with all my flaws, he told me he was here for me, that his main goal in life was making me happy and share each others life together, and he died in the most absurd way the world could ever take him away from me, no one knows how the accident happens, no one help him at time, and there was no reason but he died of brain death... he was only 26, life is not fair, it will never be, we are broken, all of us, our heart is death, losing someone is losing yourself as well... it is not easy, it hurts... but please give yourself a chance.

We all have promises with our loved ones, Am I right? So keep them, stay here so you can tell everyone how wonderful he is! Embrace his love so you can keep going, and when the right time comes, he will be waiting for you in the afterlife, but please do not think about suicide, we are here for you, and we need you,because here in this forum we are family, a family who understand us better than anyone, so we need you because we need each others support.

I am here for you, we all are here for you

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On 7/11/2017 at 7:36 AM, Filip said:

I can not see myself living in 10 or 15 years,  The only time I feel relief is knowing my life will end too, that I can end it any time I want.

I am so sorry for your pain and know what you are going through only too well.  Like all the other posts, I too will add my suggestion of you seeking some professional kind of help.  Grief is so unpredictable, it makes us think all kinds of crazy emotions; suicide being one of them - I know I did and a lot of others on this forum have as well.  

When I lost my Charles I wasn't prepared for his death; nobody is.  I lost someone I loved more than I loved myself and I got a quick crash course in mortality.  I would actually lie in bed night after night, wondering if there is truly a heaven and hell and finding all kinds of reasons to cling to my faith.  Like you I couldn't see living a day without him much less than 10 or 15 years.   That was unimaginable.   Yes, all of our lives will end, but in their time; our lives are gifts from God; what we do with them are our gifts to God.

On 7/11/2017 at 7:36 AM, Filip said:

The reasons I haven't done it yet is to have time to preserve what my boyfriend left behind. Maybe I am too much of a coward? I am intent on dying at home. It should have been me who died, not him. I

Don't get me wrong and I don't want to come across as sounding uncaring, but you were unfortunately left behind, so preserve yourself; preserve the love you shared; preserve the memories you made.  As hard as it is for you, switch places for a moment - Would you want him to suffer this unbearable pain or have these suicidal thoughts - I would dare to say no.  Losing someone you truly love is the hardest thing you'll ever have to endure; believe me, we all know this.  But we must go on, if not for ourselves, then for them. You are the person who can keep him and his memory alive and strong.  Don't let yourself down; don't let him down.  Get that help and continue for the both of you; because I couldn't bear to believe our loved ones aren't out there somewhere, a few whispered words of a prayer away.

I'm praying for you.  God bless and keep you safe; keep us all safe.

 

 

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On ‎7‎/‎11‎/‎2017 at 5:36 AM, Filip said:
Hello.
 
 I really cannot see myself living past the age of 21, I am suicidal, but things are complicated. The love of my life and my only friend passed away unexpectedly the morning of the 5th of june. The last thing we spoke to each other was a small disagreement, ending with us going to sleep, but it was alright, we fel asleep next to eachother, an hour and a half later I woke up and found him unconscious and pale on the floor. He was 24, and just like me in every way, it might as well have been me, he was so much more talanted and smart. I wish I would have died with him, yet this existence goes on, it is torture, my life was miserable before i met him, then i got to know what it was like to be happy before we were taken from eachother. I can't go on knowing he is gone, our life together is gone and its never coming back. 

I can not see myself living in 10 or 15 years, looking back at the love of my life, he who will forever be 24 years old. The only time I feel relief is knowing my life will end too, that I can end it any time I want. The reasons I havent done it yet is to have time to preserve what my boyfriend left behind. Maybe I am too much of a coward? I am intent on dying at home. It should have been me who died, not him. I have no friends, no ambition, no things I am good at, nothing that I can give to others by living.

He was such a wonder child, everything he put his mind into he became good at, extremely talented musician, and as a child he was a national champion in all airgun tournaments. He was so well liked, cute and wonderful. Yet he dies at 24. I feel that there is no more fitting way to end it than to do it shortly after him, put our ashes by the river in his hometown. I miss him so damn much, there is NO reason for any of this, it is so cruel, I thought we could live a happy life, thought the hardships were over, it feels like there is someone who has been pushing me all my life, just being cruel enough to take everything away.

I spent some time by his body, asking him why this happened, telling him I loved him, that I always will, I kissed and hugged his dead body, he laid in a bed, looking up in the roof, not seeing me, I told him I loved him so much, he did not respond, I cried and cried, my hands against his face.

I can not go on living, I am so traumatized and broken, everyone said we were going to last forever. I believe we were meant for each other, we were so alike, I will die knowing that our time was short, I truly believe I am meant to go with him, our short lives are going to end together. Forever together at the place we first met 5 years ago. 
 
This was my first post where I explained more on what has happened; 
Everyone stands alone on the heart of the world,

pierced by a ray of sunlight,

and suddenly night falls.

 

Filip, please, please understand, I know it hurts this pain and emptiness in your heart. Talk to counselors and people on this forum, who understand losing someone they love. Don't hurt yourself. I tried CPR on my boyfriend and he died in my arms. I thought my life was over and then I went on the forum and got people who told me to take one day at a time.  I was told the future will take care of itself.

I am so sorry for your pain. I have just lost my boyfriend yesterday. I know what it feels to live with guilt. Me and Alfred had a fight last week, but later we each said we loved each other. Even though, Filip you never got the chance to make up, and talk things over, I'm sure he knows you cared and loved him.

I know you feel like there is no way to go on. But, I know that hurting yourself won't make it better. I feel like the time I had with my boyfriend, Alfred wasn't enough time. He died at 58 and that still wasn't enough time for us to be together. But I know he wouldn't want me to hurt myself. I know that hurting myself would crush him more than anything in the world, and I couldn't do anything that broke Alfred's heart. 

I'm new to the forum but if you need someone to talk to I'm here for you. Please take a deep breath and deal with life one day at a time.

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